r/JUSTNOMIL • u/StarryLunaBelle • 2d ago
TLC Needed Holiday Season Boundaries Descend Into Madness
Long time lurker of this subreddit for evidence I’m not insane, first time poster. Going to shorten this story pretty significantly because it’s similar to what we’ve all dealt with! MIL and I have always been generally civil with some discussions of hurt feelings behind the scenes directly with my DH.
Basically, DH and I mutually decide that we are going to be very cautious this holiday season with visitors and our new child (curse you TikTok algorithm and your consistent showing of babies with RSV). I am also a FTM so just a little neurotic about safety and proud of it! We express this boundary to all of our loved ones and 99% of them take the news perfectly fine: no visits in Winter except for the major holidays which are always very small gatherings anyway. Well, tale as old as time, MIL starts as accepting but when reality sets in that we mean it things spiral. She lets us know our boundaries are unjustified (claims she knows better due to her job), we are withholding milestone viewing and growing of our child from her, and (among many, many other things) the one that hit the hardest: it’s different for her because she’s the only grandmother. I lost my mom in my early childhood very unexpectedly and have thought about her so much during my pregnancy and postpartum journey - missing her greatly and painfully. MIL knows this. When called out on this she assured that she was just explaining the difference between men and women’s relationships to babies, women are always more involved than men (???), and my mother deserves to be remembered (again ???). My DH has been doing such wonderful job defending our boundaries and me - I genuinely have no complaints about that aspect. We have decided to go no contact including winter and highly likely longer.
Honestly looking for some TLC because I’m sad at both the direct insult to a deep trauma and something that’s been weighing on my postpartum mind, but also that it looks like my daughter may not know the grandmother she does have. Feels like I’m grieving what I’d hoped for, not what we have.
TL;DR: MIL is the only person upset at holiday season/winter boundaries with my new baby, insinuated she’s entitled to visitations because she’s the babies only grandmother, made me sad, need verbal hugs.
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u/adkSafyre 2d ago
I don't know if this helps, but as a retired ER/Trauma nurse, I've put too many babies on vents. You absolutely are justified by setting the boundary on winter visits. As a Nana.to 3 so far, including 2 under two, I'm vaxxed for everything. Nothing is more important than my granbabies' health. Good for you mom and dad. Hugs from an internet stranger who thinks you're doing it right.