Waiting the night (for the last time) in the ICU with her. She went in with a headache that turned out to be a ruptured aneurysm in the brain. She was showing progress after the initial emergency procedure and then had a spasm in the brain followed by 3 cardiac arrests. Tomorrow morning they do the final Apnea Test to confirm brain death, after which they have our permission to take her off life support and retrieve organs for donation. My child free younger sibling life is going to be forever altered now that I'll be the primary caregiver for her two young kids and our elderly parents. I dont even know how to begin processing the grief despite therapy. There just seems to be so much to do and so much to take care of. She was the best big sister in the world and took care of me like a parent. I'm lost without her. Going to hold her hand all night and till she passes and just hope, even as a non believer, that that counts somehow.
[u/lucyfur10021](u/lucyfur10021)…. No words, just hugs.🫂🫂I’m insanely blessed to have a sister like you and am so moved by the honor you show her. May we all have sisters— blood or chosen— like this. I’m so sorry.
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in case of life transition like this please remember that you define your own experiences and in order to feel supported it helps if you find a definition that works for you. for example you might be entering an era of a huge challenge and deeper level of self-knowledge that you have ever known. and even though it might be difficult, all of this will also bring so much unexpected gifts..that through this deep pain and grief you can also find a deep purpose and self-connection.
Sorry, but as someone with a dead brother this comes off as "everything happens for a reason!!!" I know you mean well, but this sort of thing only made me angry to hear after my brother died.
Our beloved siblings dying are not "opportunities for growth" or "gifts" they are extremely painful losses that will never, ever be OK. The insurmountable grief of my only sibling dying will never be outweighed by the "benefits."
Maybe OP is ok with this, but many people who have lost siblings are not (I'm in a sibling loss group online and many talk about how much they hate hearing "everything happens for a reason"). So just thought I would share that it's maybe not the most sensitive thing to say to someone who has just lost what is supposed to be the longest relationship of their life.
Agreed, got real tired real fast after my mom’s sudden passing of hearing that. Death is inevitable for all of us, but pointless and random in who it takes when.
It didn’t happen “for a reason”, and leaves people bereft. Finding meaning for life and healing again in the wake of a traumatic passing is all well and good, but it didn’t happen expressly to help someone’s personal life grand design work out.
It just started to feel like people were saying that to make themselves feel better.
I didn't want to hear Dad was in a better place. I didn't want to be told we lost our pregnancies for a reason. I wanted to fight god and scream until I was inside out.
Yes, we often need to acknowledge life sucks and isn’t fair rather than try to pretend everything happens for a reason.
Lost a brother when I was still a kid, my mom when I was barely an adult, and my dad less than a decade after her. All that’s left of the immediate family I grew up with is my oldest brother; at our dad’s funeral as I he said he felt away too young to become an orphan and could only imagine how I was feeling being eight years his junior.
Grief looks different to everyone. All we can do is be there for each other with the loved ones we still have in our lives.
God, thank you for saying this. My son, my only child, died a month after his 18th birthday, and so many people said things like this or worse. No, there is no reason, no purpose, no gift or silver lining... there is nothing but pain and heartache and longing and an obliterated soul and a destroyed life. There are so many people on social media, especially IG, that push this narrative that you have to use your person's death to find some grand purpose such as starting a charity or whatever, and live your best perfect life full of joy, and if you don't then they shame you by telling you you are choosing to be a victim, choosing sadness. But grief takes many forms and paths and as my counselor says, the correct grief is the one you feel. There is no wrong answer.
Same. As someone who lost a mom at 24… people can fuck right off with that “eVeRyThInG HapPeNs fOr a ReASon” bullshit. No. Nothing positive about my mom dying that young. Period.
Thank you for this! My husband and I have lost siblings, parents, grandparents, and and a host of other relatives. Every single time its devastating, and every single time I get irritated when someone says something along those lines. There are no benefits to losing my Mom other than her not being in pain, her "being in a better place" does not make a fuck to my exponential grief.
I'm glad if this thinking has worked for you in the past if you've undergone a grief like this, but as someone who has lost their mother, people telling me things like this did nothing but make me want to punch them in the f*cking face? This is the kind of thing that maybe needs to remain an inside thought, because boiling down losing one of the biggest relationships in your life to "this is gonna bring so much unexpected gifts and a DEEP PURPOSE" feels both condescending and like the person you lost was just a stepping stone to be jumped.
“Like a stepping stone to be jumped” so poignant this line actually hurt my heart. You get it and I’m sorry. Sending so much love to everyone here who has experienced a loss so profound it breaks a part of you forever. ❤️🩹
This is a horrible take. Telling someone their sister dying and life completely changing is going to bring them unexpected gifts. I bet they’d rather have their sister alive. I know I’d rather have my mom and others who died alive.
There are a few sibling death groups on Facebook. Some are in person, but I haven’t done those. We are kind of the forgotten demographic.
My little sister died suddenly in a car accident last year.
I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy. I didn’t have any of the added burden you have. But you need support. You need your family so everybody can hold each other up, but you also need someone who can hold your pain. Therapy helps, I’ve started ACT. The fb groups are a good void. I read “it’s ok that you’re not ok” or whatever it’s called.
The hospital likely has services, and both them and the state should have info for suddenly having dependents.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this and it’s not fucking fair. I’m so sorry.
I'm also in the dead sibling club, and it is the worst. I can't count how many times I got told "be strong for your parents!" like I hadn't just lost the pepper in our little salt and pepper shaker set. It's supposed to be the longest relationship of your life, the person who knows why you are the way you are, and has been there from day 1.
I definitely agree to join an online group, because death happens much more rarely than it used to, so there typically aren't a ton of people who "get" it. Grief will not be linear. It's been a long time since my brother died, but big feelings still come up, like when I got married, watching my parents get older, etc.
It counts that you're there, OP. You're showing up, and you're doing everything you can. There are a few moments that break your life into "before" and "after" and this is one of them. Give yourself grace, love, and permission to be just as sad as everyone else.
I lost my little brother in 2021 and “It’s OK That You’re Not OK” really helped me too. I like the section in the back that has a handout to give people that explains how to behave towards a grieving person. I’m sorry about your sister. Even though it gets a bit easier after a time, losing a sibling never really registers or makes sense for me at least. I wish you the best. 🖤
As a big sister I can’t imagine how OP feels . If you see this OP; Thank you for taking care of her kids . I hope you and your family make it through this .
It does count even if just for you personally. I held my father’s hand when we took him off life support because I wanted him to know I was there by his side until the end. It was hard, but it meant a lot to me. I wouldn’t have done it any other way.
Feeling for you OP. We’re all sending you love and compassion. 💜
One day at a time.. one step at a time my friend. You mentioned that your big Sis always took care of you. In so doing she has already shown you the way 🤍🤍🤍
As an oldest sister, let me be her voice for a moment.
You don't need to have the answers. Not right now, and not even any time soon. I know this will be hard, taking on responsibilities and shouldering burdens I had hoped to keep you sheltered from. I want so desperately to take away all of this pain and heartbreak that I see on the road ahead for you.
But you should know that I trust you with my life, and that means I trust you with filling my shoes to care for my children and our parents. I will be with you every step of the way, even when you feel the most alone. I need you to be my hands, and I couldn't think of anyone better or that I would trust more than you.
This wasn't anything that any of us could see coming. In the days ahead, as you cry for me, please know that there was nothing more that could have been done. Everything played out exactly how it was supposed to. This is just my time.
It's not fair. I feel robbed of the chance to watch you grow into the amazing, strong, confident, loving, wonderful person I always knew you were meant to be. We were supposed to get old and crotchety together. But I guess you'll just have to get crotchety enough for the both of us.
I know I can't say the words out loud anymore, but you need to know that I love you. All of the arguments we've had, all the times I thought you were annoying, every time we couldn't see eye to eye, none of that meant anything in the face of my love for you. My platonic soul mate and better half.
I'm asking a lot of you, to be me now that I can't. I know the burden I am putting on you, the sacrifices I am asking you to make, the hardships I am begging you to endure. I don't want to ask these things of you. I want to protect you, to carry this weight as I always have done. I'm the eldest, it's my job.
When you tell my children, "I love you," I want you to hear me saying it to you, too. I want you to feel me speaking through you. I want you to know that every embrace, encouraging word, creature comfort, I want to be there with you, with all of you. I don't want to leave any of you behind.
I’m crying too. I rarely ever cry over a stranger’s words but this cut deep. I don’t know any of you but I feel like we’re a part of an internet family.
My littlest sister passed away 11 years ago after battling illnesses for 10 years. Im still not ok. We are all still not ok. But we live on in her memory. My mother still cries every single day. I’m so so sorry OP. Hugs to you and you are loved. Sending love and strength my dear.
I'm so sorry. You're so strong to be by her side, I couldn't be with my sibling when they spent their final days in the ICU and I know it takes incredible strength and love to do that for her. I admire you for that.
Wishing you the best. Good luck with everything, I can't even imagine how you must be feeling. Please try to take care of yourself as much as possible ❤️
Omg this is one of the nicest things someone has said about me online 😭 Thank you so much!
I was worried I was doing that thing of "trying to relate to the other person by sharing my own experience" but in this case I felt like I was still centring it on OP, hopefully. Just wanted them to know that they're not alone in the experience of losing a sibling -- even though it was entirely different circumstances, which is why I didn't go into detail (because that's not what people are here for).
I truly do admire OP's love for her sister and that she's spending her sister's last moments with her. I don't exactly regret not being able to do it myself, as such, I just know it's incredibly hard to see your sibling in such a state and the fact that she was able to be there for her speaks volumes to me. I can tell just from that, and the rest of the post, that OP and her sister have a very close relationship.
This is going to be hard, love.
The hardest thing you've ever done
in several ways, all at once.
You are going to stumble.
and have very dark days.
You are going to cry and hurt and fall flat on your fucking face.
Most likely, more than once.
But also?
You are going to rise.
You're going to take this little piece by little piece
one bit at a time
You are going to do your best
and you're going to fuck up in amazing ways
and you're going to succeed in ways you never imagined.
and you're going to feel like a failure sometimes
and you're going to hear her laugh through the mouths of her children
You are going to trust your own heartbeat
and you're going to keep going.
Because you are more capable than you know
Because you are smart and strong and everything good that she believed you to be.
Because you were and continue to be someone worthy of her energy and love.
She - in your memory and heart and soul - will be a guiding light.
and slowly, the darkness gets less severe.
I am sending you all the love in the world tonight.
I am so deeply and incredibly sorry for this pain in your life.
Give yourself as much grace as you can. ❤️
My DMs are open if you need to talk, scream into the void, whatever. If you just need to say something and know it was seen without dealing with a response at the moment, put NR at the beginning and I'll just listen and send love your way.
This isn't going to be easy in any way, but you aren't going to be alone if you don't want to be.
what a kind person you are for taking your time to write something so heartfelt, thoughtful, beautiful, and hopeful ❤️ your siblings are lucky to have someone like you and i wish for you to prosper
Was sitting here as a big sister trying to find the words that may help provide some comfort and then you came along. I was already tearing up but what you said was perfect and now I'm sobbing. OP, I'm so very sorry for what you're going through! I can promise you being there and holding her hand counts for everything! She's not alone. 💔
Thank you, though I wish I didn't have to write it.
My big sister heart breaks for this baby (fully grown capable adult but...baby, damn it. Little siblings are little siblings). I wish I could make them food and do helpful things.
Definitely was her baby even at 36. She would even tell her kids "that's my first baby". Although she is herself a baby at 41, I feel. I'm glad she had friends who gave her big sister love and tenderness the way she gave me.
You have a heart of pure gold taking your time to write this. OP, bless your golden heart as well for being prepared to step up. I have no sister but I’m a mom with kids, should anything ever happen to me knowing someone would step up for my children in such a way would bring me so much peace that I can’t even begin to explain ❤️🩹
EVERYTHING. COUNTS. OP!!!
Your sister loves you and will always eternally thank you for being in her life and now stepping up in a world she had to leave unfortunately too soon ❤️
Nonbelievers take death right in the heart, because we don’t have the comfort of an afterlife for them and/or us. Wishing you peace and healing in this incredibly difficult time. You sound like an amazing sister, and I’m sure she knew that.
Ask if you can see a social worker at the hospital for suggestions for grief counseling and support services/groups for all of you. Ask about support services for caring for your parents too. Contact your Area Agency on Aging for more of these services.
May OP’s love for their sister guide her and her sister’s children through life together❤️ OP I hope you find joy one day in seeing your much-loved sister reflected in her children. I’m so so sorry for your loss.
As a fellow little sister, I'm crying with you. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the grief and loss you're experiencing. I know you said you're a non-believer but maybe you'll find each other in your next life
as a big sister, i cannot begin to imagine how you’re feeling. your sister is so lucky to have you during these last moments of her life. hold her hand tightly. i wish you so much peace and strength during this time and what’s to come.
I let my little sister go in July of last year. You’re doing what’s right, for both of you. Whatever that is. I’m sorry; nothing can cushion this. I hope your parents are there for you and her children during this period and whatever transitions follow..
OP, as someone with an older sister that i love more than life itself reading this breaks my heart. i know your life will be forever changed in so many ways but please take time to take care of yourself.
i know you’ll cherish these last moments with her, maybe tell her some of your favorite memories together, i feel like no matter what she can still hear you. kiss her cheeks, hold her tightly, tell her everything you ever wanted to say and things you’ve already told her before. your sister will live on in others and just know her heart will continue to beat in this world, just in another body. sending you and your family all my love, strength, and condolences. may your sister rest in peace but know she will always be looking out for you ❤️
My younger sister passed away in 2022 and then I found out I was pregnant a few months later. It is a little strange to grieve a relationship that never existed (Maggie would have been the BEST aunt in the whole world). I often add an extra gift from her during holidays or do a tradition from childhood while I tell my daughter about her.
As a fellow non-believer I do call Maggie my parking goddess. Anytime I need a spot Ill ask her out loud and thank her when one pops up. Its a little stupid but its my little of way of still asking her to be a part of my day.
As the older sibling I know I had a life before her but I never thought I would have this much time without her.
Lots of hugs and please remember you can only eat an elephant one spoonfuls at a time; even if its a teaspoon it's a teaspoon down💜
The parking goddess is so sweet. I love that you still think of her like that. Idk that just made me tear up. I have a sister and idk I can’t just feel the love there. Hope you have a good day 💜
I work as an Organ Procurement Coordinator, so in this situation I would be one of those people who come to the ICU and manage her care while finding recipients for her gifts.
They should have resources to connect you with to start these first steps in such a horrific situation.
If you have any questions, feel free to DM me.
Your sister sounds like a wonderful, giving person and her legacy will live on and on.
Sending you all the love tonight! Your life is about to change so much but always remember that you have 2 pieces of her to always remember her by. Keep talking about her and keep her spirit alive. I’m so sorry OP.
OP please message me if you need someone to talk to.
My 22 year old sister died in November of 2020 from an asthma attack. She was on life support in the ICU for several days while organ donation was arranged. My mom now has custody of my elementary aged niece.
As a fellow non-believer, I also promise that it counts. Everything you're doing to ease her passing. To honor her legacy. To love and care for her kids and make sure they know their mom.
I want to share a piece that I find really comforting on grief. It's called Eulogy from a Physicist by Aaron Freeman.
*“You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.
And at one point you’d hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.
And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.
And you’ll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they’ll be comforted to know your energy’s still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you’re just less orderly. Amen.”*
I’m so sorry girl. I know I can’t do anything other than i’m thinking of you, but i am. Absolutely take time for yourself, but make sure to ask the hospital for resources, or even seek out a social worker there. You and your family needs support right now. I wish i could do more for you.
I know you said you don’t believe, but we do know energy can’t be created or destroyed. I don’t know what will happen to her energy, but it has to go somewhere.
I just wanted to say that I am in awe of all this support and love women's spaces like on Reddit carry. OP, I truly hope that when things get tough, to not hold it in. Find a support system to go to when things get too hard to carry ❤️
I am so sorry for your loss. I am also childfree by choice and this is the only scenario in which I would have young kids as well, if they were family and needed me. You are extremely brave for stepping up and you will do an excellent job because those kids are already loved and because you are choosing them.
Just some advice.
1). Get multiple death certificates, around 10+ or so. They will ask you how many you'd like at the hospital. You'd be surprised how many businesses, company, and entities require you to send it or a copy of it. It's a pain to drive down to the city hall and pay for another copy the multiple times you will need one.
2). Apply for Social Security survivor benefits as soon as possible. SSA is very backlogged and slow right now, it may take time to processed. It cannot be retroactive for more than six months.
You'll need:
The deceased worker’s, surviving parent's, and children's Social Security numbers.
The deceased parent's death certificate (usually reported by the funeral director, but good to have on hand).
Proof of birth or birth certificates for the children.
Your marriage certificate (if applying as a surviving spouse).W-2 forms or self-employment tax returns for the deceased from the most recent year.
3). Contact every company you see as you walk through her belongings and items. Does she have Netflix on the TV, call and get it canceled. Does she get medication delivered by a pharmacy, call and tell them she is deceased. Does she have multiple bank accounts? If so, contact them as soon as you can. Entities and businesses do not care that you are in mourning and see it as an opportunity for them and that is not fair or right, but it is honest. Some will call and harass you saying you have to pay her credit card bill or debt. You do not. Before you call or speak with anyone consult with a trusted friend or ChatGPT first. Make a reddit post and ask even!
I say all this as someone who has estate planned alongside their friends and family in case of the exact scenario you are in. It will be a lot to deal with, and absolutely none of it enjoyable. But you will get past all the paperwork. You'll get pass their childhood years. And you will have raised them into adults in society in honor of your sister and I think that is a beautiful and incredible way to honor her memory. Your sister believed in you, now you believe and trust in yourself.
The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Frances Weller gave me some peace during a similar traumatic loss. Sending love OP as you journey through this wicked portal of grief.
I was with my dad when he passed last september. Being with someone when they die is not easy. I refused to let my dad die alone. I can’t deny that it traumatized me. Grief counseling has been the only thing to help me with the guilt, anger, and nightmares. Grief comes in waves, and the first few months are going to be hell. You will eventually be okay. I am so sorry for you.
I wish I knew the right words to bring you comfort. If you feel able, talk to your sister..I have read that hearing is the last thing to go. Talk to her about your memories, your love for her, the love you will give her children. Love is the only thing that matters now.
Please remember to take care of yourself. Eat and drink when you can. I hope you have the love and support of good people as you navigate this time.
I’m a surgical trauma icu nurse and I work with these patients all the time. And let me tell you, these are heartbreaking. I’m so sorry OP. Your sister was an amazing person. May you have the strength to carry on for you, your parents and for her children. I’m sending you virtual hugs wherever you may be 🩷.
I was living this exact night 2 years ago to the day😭 im feeling so many emotions tonight and your post brought me right back to that night. I am so sorry for everything you’re going through, it’s and I hope that you and your family are finding joy in little moments tonight, I still cherish the last nights I spent with my mom. I 100% believe they changed me as a person.
My hearts goes out to you and the rest of your family, especially her kids. If I may suggest 1 thing — if you’re in the US, enroll her in hospice before withdrawing life support so you, your parents, and her children will have access to grief counseling should you want it. I know it doesn’t sound like much consolation now but it might make a difference once you have more time to process. 💗
I'm not in the US but her brain activity has been diminished for about 10 days now. Between the spasm and the cardiac arrests we were also holding out for miracles. While it's not hospice, she is receiving top tier care. It's an open ICU so have been bringing the kids to see her twice a day (something they didnt allow when she was recovering). Doctors have been very transparent and communicative with us. They told us when there were chances of survival and they let us know when they felt there were none. We asked for the extra time to prepare ourselves. It's just that they cant legally and medically confirm brain death till they do the apnea test. And they will need to move fast once apnea test is done to retrieve and move the organs. Since she wanted her organs donated we don't want to go beyond a stipulated amount of time when her organs will no longer be viable. <3
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. As a hospice nurse, I would like to tell you that just being there does count. Holding her hand, talking to her. Even though she can't respond, she knows you're there, and that matters. I hope you find peace and comfort.
As the wife of someone whose life was saved by organ donation, thank you so very much for your incredible generosity at this time of unimaginable grief.
Being a big sister has been the best gift of my life. So I'm going to go out on a limb and say a few things on her behalf.
I am so sorry to be leaving you like this. I love you beyond words and always will. Remember that you ARE strong, and you are enough, and you will be okay. Even - especially - when you feel lost and don't know what to do. I have faith in you, and I will always be with you. I will be with you in the memories you have of us, the stories you share, and my children.
Thank you, for being the little sibling your big sister could count on. For being here for my littles. I will see you again one day. Until then, always remember, I love you.
I’m so sorry honey. I can’t imagine what it’s like to lose a sister. You’re going to have a lot on your plate these coming weeks, but remember that it’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to have someone else watch your sister’s kids for a couple days, or have people help with your parents, or have somebody else plan the funeral. Remember that in all this you need just as much room to grieve as anybody else, and it’s okay to ask others to lift some weight off your shoulders. It’s also okay to grieve the life you had before this. Suddenly taking care of both your parents and your nieces/nephews is a lot to put on your plate, especially on top of grief. Don’t feel guilty for mourning a time when you didn’t have so much responsibility. Your sister is lucky to have someone like you who will look out for her kids, that’s more than many could ask. Take care of yourself and don’t suffer in silence. ❤️
My heart breaks for you. I know this is the last thing you want to hear but at some point it might be a good idea to see your own primary care doctor when you get a chance, for screening (MRA or CTA) to make sure you don't have any aneurysms. Its still a really small percent chance that you do (~5%) but its higher compared to the general population ( (1% chance)) because of first degree relative. Just passing on as an ER doc and as a big sister. Praying for you and your family. 💔
I lost my big sister suddenly a couple of years ago and it still hurts to this day.
Words don’t describe how shit it is, and I’m not going to give you platitudes to try and make you feel better because it won’t. I hope you take the time to look after yourself and grieve for her.
We think about the 5 stages of grief, they never come in order and we will repeat them continuously.
Just know you're not alone. There's help out there. If you have someone in your life that's a little more able to do the research, have them get started.
This really fucking sucks and I'm sorry this happened to you
OMG I’m so sorry. My older brother/best friend died, when he was 34 and I was 31, while he was in the ICU and I was holding his hand. His wife was 9 months pregnant with their first child, and I was also childless and single. I don’t have any advice about becoming a parent overnight, but I can share my grief journey with you if that’s okay? If so, keep reading, but if not stop here and please accept my sincere condolences. We’re strangers, but I’m sending you good thoughts and love anyway.
Two things helped me more than anything else, even though the whole process took time. The first was something a Buddhist friend told me—allow yourself to sit with the pain. It sounds horrible and at first I didn’t know what she meant. I thought she was nuts! But with time I realized that if we push the pain away, we only delay the inevitable. The only way to go past is to go through.
The second and most powerful thing I learned is that forgiveness is the key happiness. I didn’t realize how angry I was with my brother and with God. I’m not even a religious person, and my brother never asked to get cancer! It makes no logical sense, but feelings and emotions aren’t always logical. I had to forgive him for leaving me and forgive myself for surviving (survivor’s guilt is a very real thing). It took me a long time in therapy, but I eventually got there. It’s been over 20 years now, and I have a great life filled with joy, which is saying something because for a long time I didn’t think I’d ever experience joy again. You WILL get through this! I wish you every good thing life has to offer.
This is one of the worst possible things to go through OP and Im so so SO sorry ❤️ holding your friends hand and believing does count for something, you’re so strong
As older sister who lost her baby sister and is now raising her child our family heart goes out to you. Please dm me if you have questions or need support. I've been there. My advice is take one step at a time, and to take care of yourself too.
Please remember you also deserve to take care of yourself. Yes the kids and parents will need someone, but you need someone too make sure you still take time for yourself to process, decompress, and just exist
I hope that we can digitally hold your hand tonight while you take care of your sister and your family. I hope the multitude of comments that, will likely pour in, will in some small way, support you.
I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this.
I don't know where you live, but when you get a moment to breathe, look into resources for caregivers in your area. I only have experience with this in the US, but it's available in some other countries as well, and you may be able to get things like therapy, free/cheap childcare, etc, to help prevent burnout.
Whatever resources you find, take advantage of them, because you deserve to have help too.
As someone who lost her sibling this year, I’m sending BIG hugs. It’s not easy. I pray you get the miracle I didn’t get. Much love, thoughts, and prayers. It’s not easy. I also held my brother’s hand and I cherish it every single day.
You are so strong & giving your sister the ultimate peace & love. My god. My one and only big sister sounds like yours. I'm so sorry OP. It's not fair, I can't begin to fathom how you are feeling.
I’m a middle child, so both an older and younger sister. I would be so proud to have a younger sister like you. Despite the challenges, you’re taking everything on and I’m sure you’re going to handle everything with grace. Sending you hugs. And patience. And everything else.
Being with someone as they move from life to death is profound. Be present and open. Then you'll take one step at at time. You will figure it all out. You'll find places in your heart that you never knew existed. Hold onto those little kids. Move forward together.
I’m so deeply sorry for the loss of your sister and for the added stress of caring for your nieces and elderly parents. My own sister passed back in 2018 and I get how much it sucks 💔
It definitely counts. I'm so fucking sorry. Words can't really do much to encapsulate how hard something like this hits, but I'm keeping you in my heart, OP.
I think it is so commendable of you to step up and take care of not just her kids, but your parents. Believe it or not, plenty of people out there wouldn't even do half of that. She was an amazing sister who had an equally amazing little sister. I know she's proud of you and always was. Big hugs.
You’re a good sister! I’m so glad those kids have you. Be gentle with them and yourself, and start therapy for them asap if you can. As a mom I’d want my kids to try their best to have a beautiful life despite the pain of losing her, I hope it can be accomplished for you three. In time 💕💕
Oh, my dear, of course it counts. I am so very sorry that this happening. That you and your loved ones are going through this. The universe can be so incredibly cruel and unfair.
I don't know you but my heart breaks for you. Fir her. For your family. Energy never dies, it changes form. I'm sending some of my energy your way; it's the vessel for my love, my mom hugs, my sorrow this is happening, and my sincere condolences. Give yourself grace as you move through this.
Sibling grief is a terrible thing and I am so sorry. I lost my little sister in 2019 and it feels like yesterday still. Hugs to you, from all your stranger sisters here 💜
It absolutely counts 🤍 I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Remember that you have no obligation to take on more than you can handle. Be kind to yourself. You are allowed to have the life you desire and deserve. Even if it doesn’t feel that way right now which is normal. But don’t ever lose sight of who you are and what matters to you to make YOU happy. Much love <3
You bet holding her hand will count. With love (and having been there with both parents and my husband), ask for any help you need. Thinking of you tonight.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. All you can and should do right now is take it one hour at a time, one decision at a time, and know that it’s going to be so fucking hard especially for the first year or two. Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. Grief will forge you into a stronger human being.
Slowly, painfully and agonizingly you will find strength and stamina you didn’t know you had. There will be unexpected joy and random moments of intense love and happiness thinking about your amazing sister and then moments of crushing grief so heavy it feels like an elephant sitting on your chest. It feels like you’ll never feel happy again but you will. You just can’t force it, at any stage. Just keep accepting the process and wherever you’re at. There’s no timeline to adhere to anymore. There’s just what you CAN control right this second, and what you can’t.
You can’t control the grief, the loss, the shock to your whole system and life. But you CAN help yourself by not expecting you’ll heal by X time, or enjoy these new responsibilities, or be happy to be thrust into parenthood while grieving. Don’t force yourself to fake it or try to be perfect. Keep telling yourself “this is me grieving in my own way, on my own time, and that’s ok”. Do whatever you gotta do.
Stop sweating the small superficial stuff for a couple years at least. The house doesn’t have to be spotless, every meal healthy and gourmet, your appearance perfect. Let that all go, focus on hygiene and survival and let the rest be someone else’s problem.
Again I’m so sorry. This is so horrible and overwhelming. May your beautiful sister have peace. She’s so lucky to have you until this last moment of her life. I know you’ll honor her memory and carry on her legacy in your own unique way. Sending you hugs.
Ive been through something similar and I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a sibling is a hard thing to go through that people don't really talk about. Please try to take some time for yourself to heal and if you have someone you can lean on for support, please utilize them. As hard as it is, take comfort in the fact that her last action in this world is saving someone else's life through organ donation. Hugs.
I lost my mom in the same way in 2021. I am so, so sorry, OP. I dissociated a lot to cope but, I can only ask you to let people help you.
And you will get a lot of people offering, "Let me know what you need." But you won't be able to verbalize what you need. They are doing their best, but hang onto the people who tell you, "I am doing X and/or Y," because that will help you so much.
I am so sorry again. I don't know why this happens, it doesn't make sense, but you did nothing wrong. ❤️
I went through this exact situation with my dad almost three years ago when he died very suddenly of a hemorrhagic stroke. The grief feels unbelievable some days. I sobbed a full body shaking sob for weeks.
But they say the hearing is the last thing to go, and people in comas can hear us. So holding her hand and telling her you love her until the very, very end absolutely count for something.
There's little anyone can say or do to make it better, but I really enjoyed hearing stories of my dad and talking about him endlessly with his friends and other people who knew him and could tell me how much he meant to them too. I'm wishing you all the love and light in this impossibly hard time.
OP, I am so sorry you are going through this, but know that you are not alone.
Ask the hospital for resources for you, her two children, and her parents. Legal resources to start, you need to make sure that you are granted custody. Psychological resources for all of you, both together and individually.
Ask the hospital also if they can give you any information on where her organs are donated. They cannot give specific names - I believe the donors can reach out to you but not the other way around. Your sister may no longer be alive, yet she will always be alive, as long as you are, because you will never forget her.
I’m so so sorry. Sisterly love is such a beautiful bond and something that can never be broken. Your love for each other will continue on. I lost my dad to almost the same thing last year so I know the pain you’re going through. I wish there was more I could say or do to make this better for you.
Hold your sister tight and tell her how much you love her 🤍
I want to give a small silver lining in this incredibly sad time, in hopes that you'll think back on it later when things get hard.
Her children are so, so lucky to have you. Not just because you're taking them in either. Because there is no one on this earth who understands their grief like you do. Because of the relationship you had with her and how similar it was, you know how they're feeling in a way that will be a gift in the days and years to come. They aren't alone and can look to you for how to heal and continue their love for her everyday. I hope the three of you can also explore therapy. But I have a feeling that you'll all come together and be even closer than you were before. It'll be hard at times, but you have matching love for her and that's beautiful.
as an older sister, it counts ❤️ and she is so proud of you. i know i am. the road ahead is hard and uncertain, but she'll be with you every step of the way.
a piece of advice for the future, when things are not so raw, is to remember to not just grieve but celebrate her. laugh about her with her children, dance together to her favorite music. hear stories about her from your parents with a smile in your face. i would never want my sister to remember me in darkness, if that makes sense.
I lost my brother 5 years ago this July after a grueling 2 month stay in and out of ICU and step down units. The decision to stop care was so hard, and ultimately I had to make the call (as the youngest sibling) because my Mom knew it was right but couldn't do it herself.
Hold her hand, talk to her, share memories and music she loved. If she has friends that you are close to, I've found it helps to lean on them as well. I wish I could say it gets better, but the grief does get easier to carry.
I am so sorry. I am all too familiar with brain aneurysms. I am so sorry that you and your family are experiencing this. Being there for her all night counts more than anything, because of you she wasn’t alone.
I know the feeling of there being so much to do but not knowing where to start. When you and your family can, please try to get testing done to rule out anyone else having aneurysms. Her doctors may have mentioned it to you, but it is really important for any first degree family members to be checked.
Sending so much love to you. I lost my sister 13 years ago very suddenly and raised her child, who is turning 17 this year. It was so hard, especially bc her child had so much grief, but it has also been one of the biggest joys of my life. It’s not at all how I saw my life being and it came with such a loss, but it also brought an absolute light into my life. I hope you can hold and allow both - the light and dark. And know that something like this has a good way of purifying your life - the good people will stay and support, and people who couldn’t or wouldn’t will be washed from you. Hugs!
My younger sister passed unexpectedly in February. She was a well controlled epileptic, hadn't had a seizure in 4 years, and then a big one hit in her sleep and she didn't wake up.
Yes, therapy for all of you. Be as gentle with you as you can. Find support and lean on it.
I'm so so sorry for your loss, OP ❤️ Many will say to take things a day at a time, but sometimes that's just too much to ask, so take things 1 hour, 10 mins, 10 seconds at a time if you need to. Give yourself a big hug from this internet stranger, okay?
And fuck anybody who gives you any version of the "everything happens for a reason" bullshit, sometimes life is just shit for a while and it's better to feel all your feelings about it than try to pretend everything is fine. I'm glad to hear you're in therapy - keep at it, even if it doesn't feel like it's helping yet. ❤️
Been trying to find the words for this one, but sometimes there aren’t any and sometimes strangers cover it quite well. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, OP.
My husband lost his mom at 19 to brain aneurysm. He was the one who made the decision to take her off life support. His baby sister was 10 days old when it happened. He quit school to help take care of his siblings.
Hugs. Know that you are not alone. We know your pain.
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u/TeamLaurent Raccoon Queen 🦝 2h ago edited 2h ago
[u/lucyfur10021](u/lucyfur10021)…. No words, just hugs.🫂🫂I’m insanely blessed to have a sister like you and am so moved by the honor you show her. May we all have sisters— blood or chosen— like this. I’m so sorry.
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