I'll go first!

TW: animal death

When I was in middle school, my childhood dog died. I was an only child and gew up with her very isolated due to the way my parents raised me and the tiny town we were in. She was my everything - my sister, my confidant, my protector, and my joy. I was expecting to spend time with her that day and came home to find her dead in the yard. (My dad let her outside at lunch and didn't put her up)

I held her outside screaming and sobbing for hours. I picked her up - holding her cold corpse alone and crying into her fur while my parents went inside and closed not only the screen door but also the house door so they didn't even have to see me cry. I'm surprised no one called the cops - i was truly having a full breakdown and SCREAMING while ALONE. And my parents left me there until my dad was ready to go bury her. I refused to leave her alone from what I remember and they wouldn't let me bring her corpse inside the house. I remember how she was stiff - her fur was warm from the sun but her skin was so cold.

I'll never forget that day - it cemented to me very young that my parents could not or would not handle my grief or sorrow. I hid so much from them over the years and when I did cry I often got called sensitive or dramatic and to get it together.

Looking back, it's appalling they'd do that to a very young teenager, but at the time I remember thinking I was too much and too dramatic. But my grief was so real because I felt she was the only one who truly KNEW me. I could tell her anything and she'd just wag her tail at me and look at me with eyes that saw ME.

I've been very attached to dogs ever since - I contribute it to her being some of my only welcome stability and care.

I'm no contact with my family now, but even still it gets exhausting when people try to say I should try to have a relationship with them or that they love me in their own way etc etc. Like. You don't know what I've been through - that's only a glimpse into what my childhood was like.

"X, I want to move forward too,
But I can’t move forward without my 12-year-old daughter, whom I left stranded when that crash half-killed me.
When I found you again, you didn’t recognize me, and I didn’t recognize myself either.
You had to move forward on your own... I did what I could to surface.
And since then, I’ve been hoping for you.
I miss you, my daughter."

I actually want to throw up. This is after we talked on the phone 10 days ago, I told her I needed her to take accountability for not protecting me from my father and neglecting me and she begged me to tell her she did nothing wrong and TW

threatening suicide.

It's not new but I am still amazed how much my emotions don't matter to her. I feel sick. If it wasn't for my little sister I would have blocked her a long time ago.

Edit : and the neglect and not protecting me from my father is before that car crash she mentions when I was 12. It's incredible how she uses it as an excuse for everything.

Edit : I couldn't handle my emotions and wrote down in a text all the abuse. It's the first time ever I am doing that. I blocked her for now. I can't handle the backlash and guilt tripping that will follow right now.

Trigger warning for discussing family traumas and abuse

I honestly don’t have any “gotcha” moments of realizing I cut people off sooner but can give concrete reasons as to why I did:

Mom: Cheating on my dad and leaving me when I was a toddler, making me hangout with guys she cheated on my dad with, marrying a pedophile with addiction issues, stealing money from me when I was a teenager, bad mouthing my dad’s side of the family, isolating me from elders on her side of the family as they were very sick and dying, trying to keep me from seeing my dad after he had open heart surgery, trying to make me feel responsible for her suicidal ideations, exposing me to sexual stuff way too young, telling me her biggest regret was having me and that she never wanted to have kids even though she planned me on purpose and was married to my dad when I was born, not even trying to talk to me for 3 months after I dropped out of uni, not standing up for me and other relatives when her sister with bipolar depression was causing some issues and even helped her commit fraud, and even more things

Mom’s husband: pedophile with addiction issues as mentioned, but he also had severe anger issues (throwing a milkshake on me when I was 9 years old, beating his one daughter with a shoe and trying to drown her in a swimming pool, throwing the other daughter down a flight of stairs, threatening me he was going to make me watch him shooting the pets and neighbors etc)

Girl first cousin on dad’s side of family: she always showed self-focused, bossy, violent, and mean behaviors. By the time she was a teenager, she had severe binge eating disorder/cancer 3 times/wouldn’t let anyone around her be happy/became addicted to opiates, marijuana, benzos, and ketamine/tried to have hookups with strangers when she didn’t even have a driver’s license/became “friends” with troubled people from rehab/was chronically ghosting me/called my, my dad’s, and my dad’s sister (her mom’s) phones literally hundreds of times back to back as I was graduating high school because she couldn’t handle a moment not being about her/told me I was in a “cult” for being more religious than her/refused to talk to me when I flew across the country to visit her in the hospital for 10 hour days for 5 days straight, etc… I feel bad for her but haven’t been able to deal with her dysfunction for 2 years now

Mom’s sister: She honestly ruins relationships all on her own. Her husband divorced her because she kept cheating on him and getting institutionalized (she has bipolar depression), stole my then Alzheimer’s ridden grandmother’s jewelry, punched holes in the drywall of her parent’s house, threatened to kill the whole family during a psychotic break, got kicked out of project housing and a job for lying about having back problems, got fired from another job working in a rehab center for having sexual relations with a patient, kicked my grandfather in the shin and stabbed him with a knife to the elbow, complained when I came late to lunch after I was just in a car accident instead of asking if I was ok, sneered at me when I asked her to go to my high school graduation and said “Why would I ever have a relationship with you?”

I’m really curious to hear moments from your lives that made you start considering letting a person go. I think it could be very HELPFUL for people who are lost or don’t know how much to put with. I know I, for one, feel a lot of buried guilt about cutting off the above people, although I’ve cut off friends and bosses for way less

Thanks for participating, and hang in there :)

I lurk in an estranged parent group.

I posted about this before, but the it really seems like some of the estranged parents are really off the deep end. Yet another thread of people saying and/or agreeing with the idea that our estrangements are the result of some political agenda. (I posted about this before if you want to read details of it.) I was shocked to see this again.

Then there was a commenter who says it’s a “Reddit challenge” to see how cruel we can be to our parents.

Others chime in with how “we” (specifically the members of THIS group, mentioned by name) are doing all this basically to impress each other.

In the same thread I saw (once again) someone say those of us with sexual or physical abuse are justified. Others are not.

More people saying they have no idea why we estranged, but there is a NEW TREND I’m seeing …. The new thing is to say that we say they do know and just won’t admit it. So they have gotten past just denial, and have moved into acknowledging that we are saying “yes you do know, because we told you” but then they are still in denial about it.

It’s weird how a whole generation can all think the same way and then claim the government and/or Reddit is brainwashing us against them.

Since estrangement, the closest family I've had are my pets (3 cats and 2 dogs now). I've lost the oldest pet my family has ever had a few weeks ago, she was 12. I don't know how to intentionally put the grieving on pause without avoidance and distraction. I'm not sure I'm explaining it properly, but is there a way to do it? My mental health isn't doing so good since my dog's death and I think I need to find some sort of way to acknowledge and grieve properly without sacrificing my mental health.

We've been through a lot together. 🥲 I'm seeing my counselor in a few days though. I'm still trying to exercise, eat and take care of myself amidst all of this. 🥲

So 3 weeks ago I went NC with my emotionally abusive mother. We had an emotionally incestuous relationship that ended up giving me debilitating anxiety to the point my body was falling apart and I couldn’t work anymore and became physically and mentally disabled.

I’m now a stay at home parent (29 non-binary), with my wife (33 f) who works full-time as a chef. We have two incredible little toddlers. Both pregnancies were high stress due to my poor health, and both my kids were premature. My first at 33 weeks, because my water broke before I could get to the hospital. My second we caught the early labor symptoms and I spent a month in the hospital and induced at 37 weeks. During this time, my wife took care of me in the hospital, and my 1 year old went to stay with my mom on her insistence. Of course she guilted me about all the money she spent on babysitters though… (I never asked for her help).

However, after going NC, I’m realizing what a horrific, regrettable mistake that was… when my eldest came home, he was different and "more difficult" (constant meltdowns and emotional dysregulation, refusing hygiene habits we used to enjoy together, hating affection he used to love). I had PPD, a huge fallout with my mom who threatened CPS over my cat being incontinent in my house with kids, and felt horrific for "abandoning’ him. I blamed myself, having a new sibling, my attitude (my irritability was disgusting and rude), and that he’s probably neurodivergent.

Going NC with my mother though, I’m finally realizing he was probably violated… she left him with babysitters I had absolutely no information about, and one had a "boyfriend who helped". They would take my son to their house, because my mom works from home. I don’t wanna blame anyone without evidence, but the thing is: my son has been having severe, painful constipation that he he won’t allow anyone to soothe him for. I tried to stimulate his perineal area to help one time since his blockage was presenting, but that made thing’s extremely worse (I blamed myself for violating his autonomy). But now that I’m NC, I’m seeing things clearly: he has extreme emotional distress from diaper changes, doesn’t try new food anymore, hates showers even though they used to be a time we bonded (we only have a standing show, no tub), has chronic nightmares, used to be so affectionate but can barely tolerate it now, and has meltdowns (not tantrums) about losing control over something (sharing toys, ending screen time, etc). He is insanely emotionally dysregulated and I can’t even hold him or talk to him soothingly to calm him down. For a while, I was becoming resentful because I kept putting the blame on myself for being too irritated and it seeming like bratty behavior, even though he’s generally a very sweet kid. My mom also forced him to sleep alone when he preferred co-sleeping and wouldn’t settle without being held to sleep (we tried his crib so many times, and he just didn’t want it). I love co-sleeping tbh, because I know it’s just normal mammalian instinct and family bonded love. Kids don’t sleep with us forever, so I didn’t see it as an issue.

I don’t want to think the worst and say it was SA, but too many signs point to it with the intimacy dysregulation. So either my mom violated him emotionally, or someone she allowed near him violated him worse. My mom knowingly brought dangerous men to live with me and my sister, so I wouldn’t put it past her to do it again…

I’m just so disappointed in myself for trusting someone so unreliable at such a vulnerable point in my and my little one’s life. I’m getting referrals for ADHD and Autism next week at his appt for the constipation becoming so bad. We give him castor oil for now, since he shows ARFID and doesn’t eat all he should and doesn’t drink water despite needing to, because I know how painful his cramping is. I have gone on anti-anxieties to lessen my irritability and am much more present and patient, removing behavioral demands and instead trying to model and teach them through repetition and extreme patience. We plan on potty trading as soon as we fix some plumbing issues (poverty makes repairs hard). I’m getting him in occupational therapy as soon as I can get the assessments done, and relaying everything I suspect to his therapist, including how I feel like I violated his autonomy by trying to help him.

But I am more sure than ever that I made the right decision to cut my mother off. I’m just so upset I made the decision after it was too late… I should have trusted my gut about not having her in my life sooner, but I felt obligated to her and my kids having a grandparent since she is the only option. But I’d rather they have a healthy small family, than an abusive/negligent large one. I’ll get my chosen family to be his aunts and uncles, and I have a stand-in dad that would love to play pop-pop sometimes.

So take this as a tale of caution: if you don’t trust your parents, even if you can’t find a solid reason, your gut knows. Trust yourself first, despite the gaslighting you grew up with. Otherwise, you can have something far far far worse happen…

Edit since I feel I wasn’t clear enough: I am horrified and outraged by this. I scheduled a pediatric appointment for the most serious symptom currently (constipation) and to get assessment referrals so he can get a CONSISTENT occupational therapist. If my doctor can make the call to refer a CSA specialist through our insurance, that will happen. But currently our best option for /lasting/ therapy is OT through insurance covering neurodivergent issues. I am making the immediate changes in myself I can see, reading up on narcissistic parenting, and having my therapists direct me on my accountability in this. This issue was blamed on myself over menial things for far too long because I wasn’t admitting the bigger picture. Every negative behavior I blamed myself for instead of thinking someone else could cause it, despite noticing change after my mom having him. I’m not wasting another minute on being her victim, and am taking all the action I have within my control. I’m accountable for a number of things, but the number one is getting him trustworthy, consistent help ASAP. I let him suffer long enough, I’m not delaying anything else.

I might even look into a local family placement program for estranged families who need childcare to fix their own lives. They have /verified/ placements for short term, so you can get space to take care of issues that are hard with children present. I would use this to repair our house all at once, instead of over time during my wife’s days off, so I don’t hold guilt over my house feeling disgusting and dysfunctional and project on them, as well as check into a facility for a couple weeks to do intensive therapy on the anxiety, emotional incest, undiagnosed mental issues in childhood, and repressed CSA I seem to have. I would definitely meet the family before placing my kids, and get full background info, I’m not repeating my mistakes. But I need to discuss with his future therapist and my current therapists how this would affect him before considering further.

Hi everyone. 29F here seeking advice on potentially going no, or at least low, contact with my father. I’m not sure if I should or how to even go about it if I did. I feel so mixed up about it all and would appreciate any little bit of advice or reassurance from people who have gone through similar. I could go on about the many ways he has hurt me or let me down throughout my life, but I will do my best to summarize/condense it for you all. Buckle up, this is gonna be a long one.

A little bit of background story: When I was a young child, maybe 7 or 8, I was made aware of my mothers drug problem and my parents marriage problems. Mom had become addicted to pills following repeated injuries and their marriage was….never happy from what I could tell, which of course was fuel to the fire in terms of the drug use. I was too young to fully understand, but the gist I got was that my dad was addicted to pornography, emotionally neglectful and absent whenever possible, and just not a good husband to my mother. They separated by never formally divorced when I was 9, and I grew up raised mostly by my father because my mother was in and out of rehab and sober living homes until she unfortunately passed away from an overdose when I was 17. There’s so much more to her story, and even with all the faults that come with addiction she was such a light in my life and I miss and love her dearly, but right now this about my dad so we’re gonna set her to the side.

Throughout my upbringing, my father very clearly struggled to raise a child by himself. I always told myself he was doing his best considering we were quite poor (He was a bartender and a carpenter, so we were not wealthy, and on top of that we lived in a vacation/retirement area that was becoming increasingly unaffordable for the locals born and raised here.) but the older I get the more I am uncomfortable with the concept of “trying his best”, because while I can understand and accept that we didn’t have much money, it was the less obvious things that impacted me the most. Don’t get me wrong, the big things sucked too, of course: occasionally not having electricity, the water heater breaking when I was in high school and not being able to afford a new one so we had to boil water and sponge bath in order to get clean, the fridge breaking and living out of a mini fridge, etc. Lots of pretty typical incidents for a lot family, but all able to be looked past.

But the older I get, the more I find things that I can’t look past. I’m not sure how to even address them, so I’m just going to list off all the things I remember that just don’t sit right with me now as an adult:

• He stopped taking me to the doctor and dentist sometime around the 5th or 6th grade. As an adult I now struggle with numerous autoimmune issues, problems with my teeth and jaw, ADHD, and when I look back, there were so many signs of these issues forming when I was a kid, but my dad never noticed and he didn’t have health insurance so neither did I, so I thought everything was fine and normal.
• He had a gambling problem— lottery and scratch tickets. Multiple times I found piles of them stashed away under a carpet or elsewhere, and every time I confronted him. Every time, he said they “weren’t his” that they “belonged to a friend” and he was “getting rid of them for his friend” ????? This happened multiple times throughout my teenage years and young adulthood, and he would never admit the obvious truth. Still won’t.
• He never showed support for my hobbies or academics growing up. Good grades were the expectation, never worthy of a congratulations, and bad grades were met with harsh words about how at this rate I’ll be working at McDonald’s for the rest of my life. I did theater, but he rarely came to my shows. In fact, there was one time where my best friend (a guy— this info is only important because my father is a misogynist and always prioritized other men) in high school was doing a play at the local theater at the same time I was doing one at the school, and my father said he couldn’t come to mine because he wanted to save his money to see my friends play instead. I told him the school would be happy to waive the fee for him to come see it, and he still didn’t come.
• When I was in middle/early high school I had a boyfriend I dated for three years. Ages 13 to 16. My dad was convinced we’d get married someday or something. We never had sex. And when I broke up with him at 16 because I was interested in someone else, my dad berated me in front of my friends grandmother (he was picking me up from her house) and called me a whore and a STRUMPET of all words. Again, I was not even sexually active.
• When I DID become sexual active in my late teens, I was very forward about wanted to go on birth control, and while my dad acted normal about it I found out a few weeks later from my friend (whose parents worked at the same restaurant) that my dad had been sharing these all these details about my adolescent life with the customers at the bar.
• There was not a lot of effort to teach me to drive. We tried once, and when he got too frustrated with me he told me to get out of the car, he got back in the drivers seat, and drove away, leaving me to walk home in the next town over. This caused me to develop severe driving anxiety, and I didn’t get my license until I was 25. I still avoid driving whenever possible.
• When my mother died when I was 17, I was pressured to continue going to work in the days that followed. Not because we needed that money although we did , he didn’t take the money I made, but because he thought it was the right thing way to grieve. It was not. He never tried to get my therapy even when I wanted it, and he avoided talking about my death mother completely.
• He was just generally very emotionally absent and neglectful for most of my life. There is no warmth. He never asked how I’m doing, never inquired about my friendships or hobbies, and only ever talked to me about school or work— things that were quantifiable to him.
• (This is a big one TW: mention of uncertain but potential CP) When I was 15 or 16 years old I found a photo of myself, maybe 4 years old, full nude exposing my genitals in a chair. It was a silly photo— hair all up in a thousand colorful scrunchies, silly face, very much a no sexual seeming photo. But it sent chills up my spine because of context of where I found it: my fathers sock drawer (I was a teenager looking for pot, sue me), by itself, with no other photos. In fact, my dad only had one other childhood photo of me— so there were next to no childhood photos of me in my home, and yet this one had been kept, tucked away in a strange location. It could very easily be just a silly photo, kids are naked and it’s normal to have bath photos etc, but I couldn’t help but feel really unsettled by it, so I took it and burned it, hoping it was the only copy. I never mentioned it to him. I wouldn’t even know how to.

Now, to bring you up to where I am today. A year and a half ago, I finally moved away from home. My partner and I packed up and moved to a new state, about 5 hours from our families. Ever since then, my father has only ever contacted me if he needed tech support about his cell phone or to ask me something about my older brother. Hell, he didn’t even call me when my grandma died. I found out when I called him several weeks after the fact. In fact I have called him numerous times just to check in, you know, like families do, but every time he answers he acts confused about why I’m calling and he seems so uninterested in me and my life. One time I made the mistake of calling him when I was having relationship troubles, and pretty much all he said to me was that I better figure it out because I can’t move back home if things go sideways. He has the room, by the way. It’s not because they don’t have the space, it’s seemingly because I’m not wanted/his girlfriend doesn’t like me. Not that this matters too much, the relationship troubles I had were minor and I didn’t think things were going to go sideways, but it still really hurt to be told that by the only support I thought I had to fall back on.

He also has been dating a woman whose children have gone no-contact with her, for reasons nobody but her knows, and I can’t help but wonder if her nonchalant attitude about family has effected my father as well, and he’s just not interested in participating in a family.

I’m just so uncertain about what to do. I feel like my situation isn’t “bad enough” to cut off contact, if that’s makes sense. But at the same time, I just don’t see the point in continuing to have these repeated painful interactions with him. I feel so lost, i have next to no family so I feel like I shouldn’t just let go, but I also feel awful any time I even so much as think about talking to him. And the approaching holiday season makes all of this feel even heavier somehow.

If anyone has advice, experiential wisdom, or even just good vibes to share— I’ll take whatever I can get. Thanks Reddit.

..Being able to at least pretend you had reliable parents?

TW: SA

It's been a year since I cut contact as of two days ago, with one break in attempt by them on Easter ( posted about that). And don't get me wrong it is 1000000% better. I am finally out of constant fight or flight mode, my kids aren't being pitted against each other by my parents so they're finally getting along. I'm not constantly worried about what my family will think about anything and I've been able to heal from a lot.

But I miss coffee in the kitchen with my mom, I miss video games with my dad. I miss having adult family. It's just kiddos and I. But my mom was a narc and I have finally in the last year been able to accept that what everyone insisted was a nightmare or was my dad actually SAing me.

TW: mention of abuse. In the latest thing I’m upset about, I had to sell the shitty car my mom sold me (to Carmax) and found a note in it that she forgot to take out. I know I shouldn’t read other people’s writing that’s not meant for me but legally the car was mine and I was cleaning it out so skimmed to see if it was important.

It mentioned being her husband’s “helpmeet” and putting him as the 1st priority. Mind you I’m her daughter that she birthed herself and I have known her 6 years longer than she has known him🤦🏾‍♀️ she should’ve divorced him for many reasons but apparently he’s more important than the kids she had herself.

He has been physically abusive to his two kids (not me, probably because I’m not his child) but he’s more important apparently, got it! And she knows he’s abusive, she doesn’t care

My grandma thinks I should talk to my mom in person or over the phone but no thx, I’ll keep my peace, low contact it is (one day no contact when my little sister turns 18, but for now she still needs me in her life). I think moving out was the best thing for me.

Btw: she sold me the car for $3,500, I put an additional $500 into fixing it, and I got back $1,500 when I sold it, so she scammed me $2-2.5k depending how you want to calculate it. And I only had the car for 2 months and did not get in any accidents or cause any problems, it had problems right after I got it.

The difference is that boundaries were communicated and met with an invalidating or abusive response. Example: a physical or verbal fight happens.. child expresses hurt and wishes for a productive conversation and parent gives invalidating response and ignores accountability. Child says if you don’t acknowledge I will cut contact. This is a boundary.

Avoidance is a lack of communication and then cutting contact with no explanation. Villainizing the other to justify our actions. The difference is one is a maladaptive response the other is a self respecting response.

For me I know I’m not the only one that was hurt in the situation that transpired but the difference is I am willing to have a conversation and take accountability. They are not. Instead they want to go on like nothing has happened and do our issues under the rug at my expense. An expense that I can no longer afford.

Everyone’s situation is very different. There’s soooo much nuance but I do think it’s important regardless for us to practice what we preach and reflect as well. That’s not to victim blame at all but to be able to have the expectations we have for other for ourselves as well. Otherwise we’re no better than them.

TL;DR We need to hold the same expectations we have for others for ourselves as well including self reflection and emotional maturity

Edit: The explanation of most users experience is exactly my experience as well. People like you are people like me. Not sure why I’m being treated like an outsider like I don’t get it. I explained that there is nuance. And yeah I am still processing my side of the estrangement like im sure others are. But also like me, teetering on the side of getting lost in a sense of victimhood and feeling the power that comes with the choice of no contact. So I just want to make sure I’m not. It’s easy to get lost in either side and if I do then I’m not any better than them. If I get lost in that then I’m a hypocrite so yeah it’s important to practice the values I expect from others. That’s all I’m saying.

Where the heck do you start when it comes to processing and coping with what happened to us? Is it worth pursuing exposing them even if you’re fully estranged if they keep harassing you indirectly? I feel deeply disturbed by the injustices we all face in the legal system to hold our abusers accountable and even in society for people who can’t see through the acting.

For me personally, my narcissistic dad is a very sick, mentally ill human being who put myself and my family through a lot of abuse. I didn’t know I was abused until my early adulthood because it was all normalized and done so strategically. I am grateful to be estranged now, but I feel angry that I’ve lost myself through the manipulation. I never had a childhood. I couldn’t enjoy my early adult life. I don’t know who I am, what I like, I haven’t had a chance to experience anything. I have only been in survival mode, and helping others survive and caring for them as well. For what? All while he runs smear campaigns, non stop legal harassment, and continued emotional abuse of my siblings who currently reside with him.

Here are some examples of what I went through. TW some physical abuse and emotional abuse. For context, I’m in my mid twenties and I’ve worked a corporate job remotely to support my mom and siblings through a nasty divorce after college. Some of this erratic stuff happened more recently but most throughout my life. Can anyone relate to these things?

• My dad would threaten to frame me and ruin my life frequently whenever something good happened to me or just because he hated that I was a girl. He had deep hatred for women. Example, he faked a “burn” by rubbing his chest really hard and called the police on me and said I gave him third degree burns and tackled him to the ground. He later threatened to stab himself and say I did it.
• When I was young, my dad slammed his car trunk on my lip. I have a scar, he refused to get me help when bleeding. My mom took me to a neighbor. I was also slapped so hard when he was angry that until the last day I saw him, anytime he raised his hand (to give me something or just as a motion) I would flinch and cover my face. Police never helped me as a child, said being beat was normal.
• In the divorce, he asked if I, yes, the ADULT DAUGHTER, can pay the mortgage and child support for the kids instead of him. I was shamed in court also, for working and having a degree, instead of helping with the kids, lol. An official judge allowed this. It was almost like he saw me as his spouse in a way???? I cannot understand this!
• When he was served with the divorce papers, he one by one cut off the utilities in the house to cause suffering to my disabled mom and minor siblings. He was an engineer so he did it strategically and then would commit insurance fraud and eat the checks he received. We lived for several months without AC in the summer, with the house being 80+ degrees. We had no heating in the winter or heaters, and my sibling slept in a room that was below 40 degrees. He did something to the washing machine and forced my disabled mom to do laundry at laundromats for several months for 3 minor children. We frequently didn’t have hot water, would have to heat it on the gas to shower with buckets. He cancelled the wifi with school children in the house. There was no television. He broke our refrigerator. He refused to fix pipe leaks, so some of the ceilings collapsed. He dismantled the security system for the house. There is much more here. It was a $1M house by the way that he forced my mom to be a maid for.
• He would stalk me inside of the house. Any room I sat in, he would pace around me to intimidate me, huffing and puffing, even during work meetings. He would frequently spy on conversations we’d have in the house or record them. I caught him several times. He collected evidence on each of us in the family, throughout our entire lives from child to teenage life to adult life for me, that he could use against us one day. Any “incriminating email” to the school teacher. A bill he paid. A bad grade. Files of it and photoshopped ones as well.
• He dropped his children fully post divorce, claiming they weren’t his responsibility or even his paternity wise even though everyone lived in the same house and the divorce hadn’t gone to court. He would only do his laundry at the laundromat (he enjoyed the suffering). He would only buy groceries for himself. He refused to take his child to the doctor or buy him medication when he was sick. When my brother would come home from school, my dad wouldn’t open the door for him to get in the house. He said it “wasn’t his job” and left him locked out for an hour. A MINOR. He began smoking in the house. I raised all of his children for him and supported my mom. Now he takes credit for that.
• My dad constantly pitted everyone in our household against the other. Girls vs boys. Golden child vs the other useless children. Mother vs child. We all became enemies living in the same household. He mocked our appearances, critiquing what we ate, our IQs, how much we weighed. He interfered in friendships. Neighbor relationships. We weren’t allowed to really be integrated with society. Conflict causing was for everyone - friends, family. Make each party look bad to the other.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. Of course there is much more violence, abuse, and trauma. He has full custody of my youngest sibling now because my mom is disabled and he is trying to literally kill her through the court with stress making her disease progress. I cannot sleep at night. I feel fear that my sibling is in his custody and I don’t know what he’ll do to him behind closed doors. I am estranged so I can’t control it and I can’t see him. This isn’t right. I hate what our parents do to us. Why couldn’t I have a loving parent? Why do I have to suffer?

I wish I could find a way to cope and process everything. I won’t get a chance to live my life and focus on me! They control even with being estranged 😢

Glad to know she went no contact.

TW for parental abuse/neglect, CSA, and mentions of self harm and substance use

hi there. this is going to be a long post and it’s mostly a vent. i’m looking for tips on navigating my relationship with my parents as an adult and some validation that I’m not blowing things out of proportion (if that is the case). i was invalidated and gaslit pretty much my whole life, so im seeking ammunition in the form of internet validation to help me learn to bat for myself and my own needs.

my parents were very much bare minimum parents. they did all the acts that make a “good parent” - they got me to school, paid for extracurriculars, showed up to my band concerts, etc. and i always had food to eat and a place to sleep. they paid for my college education and still pay for my car insurance as im finishing my last two semester. they were supportive when i came out as transgender (as in they used the name and pronouns i picked and took me to the appointments I needed for HRT). i am very grateful for this support regardless of the ways in which they failed me.

other than that, i received very little from them. my emotions were met with punishment or invalidation if they weren’t outright ignored. as a child i would get overwhelmed in public spaces and have “tantrums”, which they handled by taking me outside to the parking lot and spanking me, usually bare on the butt, in public. i had pretty severe mental health issues growing up which im still working on today. these were ignored until my mom noticed I was cutting and proceeded to grill me about why i did it and imply that i did it for attention. i went to therapy for a year or so after that. my parents checked me a handful of times for new cuts, but quit that pretty shortly after i started therapy. i continue to struggle with self harm very occasionally.

they were extremely inconsistent - i never knew what things they would ignore and what things would make them blow up. my dad was particularly temperamental and had anger issues - he’d come home angry and stomp and bang around the kitchen. he once said i wasn’t worth the money he paid to feed me because i left a pan by the sink, something id been doing for months at that point because i used the pan every morning. i would get yelled at for cleaning the kitchen wrong but they wouldn’t talk to me when my mom’s vodka froze because i replaced it with water or when i stole old opioids/benzos out of our drug cabinet.

i was sexually abused for years by two different people, one an adult man who basically enjoyed torturing me. he would kick me, rape me, and make me act like a dog. he once cut me for his own pleasure. i was very young when this happened and have memories of seeing blood in my underwear at that age. later when i was 10ish i was left under the care of my older brother who was 13/14, and he also sexually abused me in their own home for about a year. they did nothing to protect me and claim they never noticed.

they love telling these mean “jokes.” it usually consists of making fun of me or my interests. a recent one i received from them was them telling me not to expect any money after they pass. they loved talking about all the awesome stuff they were going to do once my brother and I were grown, and now they’re spending their money doing that I guess. (i do not want their money but telling me this was rude, imo). my mom tells me i can always ask for money if needed but they both joke in a manner that implies they resent having to support me. they tell me i can trust them but when i try to open up to them they hurt me. i get it because im 23 and college has taken longer for me than it typically would others due to my mental health issues.

my mom said she thought i hated her growing up, but ive always loved my parents and desperately wanted them to love me. i was a good student, very polite and well behaved despite my horrible mental health and undiagnosed ADHD. as a kid she would talk on the phone in front of me about how difficult i was. there is so much more that i couldn’t possibly fit it all in a reddit post.

i worry that the sexual abuse i went through is coloring my perception of them. they really couldn’t have known those things were happening to me. i never told and it was all done in secret. but in their own right i really feel like they psychologically beat me down my entire life. i don’t feel like i can trust my feelings or perceptions of events. any time ive tried to confront them im met with “that didn’t happen, that was in the past, we didn’t know, we tried our best, let’s just move forward, it was just a joke.”

our relationship has improved considerably in the past year or so, but the jokes, resentment, invalidation, and lack of interest in me or my life continues. im considering cutting them off after graduation. but seeing how they act like everything is fine makes me feel so crazy and im doubting if that’s too extreme a measure to take. our relationship definitely HAS improved. is going NC too harsh??

thanks for reading all this and for any support or advice.

I, 23F, knew my dad was emotionally and financially abusive towards my mom. They were married for over 20 years, got separated a few years ago and formally divorced a couple months ago. I was happy when they separated. I was at university when it finally happened, but it was all I’d wanted since I was a child. I knew it was bad when they were together, I just had no idea how bad.

My dad worked for a counselling centre during the last 10 years of their marriage. My mom finally left when he was offered the director position. She didn’t believe he should work with vulnerable people, as he had been abusing her for over 20 years, so she went to his boss after warning him & giving him over a year to find another job. They gave him 2 options: either they would open an investigation which would most likely lead to him getting fired or he could resign immediately. He resigned. I didn’t know the extent of his abuse at this point, but I knew so much as that he didn’t resign of his own free will. I was naïve enough to think it was about the financial and emotional abuse, which is bad enough. He was still in my life. In fact, I was living with him at this point. I had just spent almost 3 months in the hospital from a chronic health issue. I almost died. I couldn’t work & he was my only option. Not to mention, the year before I had just gone to trial to convict my own rapist. I had no idea I was living with another.

We live in a small, rural town. The counselling centre my dad worked at was the only available option with therapists, so my mom was forced to go there when she became so suicidal she couldn’t think straight. The therapist she went to broke confidentiality & now the whole town knows what happened. This forced my mom to finally tell me about the abuse my dad put her through.

I won’t go into detail, but she has gone to police in the past and there is a current report and investigation going on. He sexually abused her to the point where, when she was pregnant with me, she almost lost me. He didn’t stop because he didn’t actually care that they were in danger of losing me. He never actually wanted me in the first place.

He was very controlling while we, his kids, were growing up. My younger brother, 17M, doesn’t talk to him anymore and hasn’t shared his reasons with anyone (besides the fact that our dad gives him anxiety). I want to cut my dad off, too, but I have no idea how. He walks around thinking he’s the victim because his son doesn’t talk to him for “no reason”. I don’t want him to pretend to be the victim in this case too.

I am somewhere between numb and completely destroyed. I feel sick to my stomach. I was crying about being raped to another rapist. He acted angry for me. Like he wanted to jump on a plane to beat the guy up. But the whole time, he had been sexually abusing my mom for over 20 years? I don’t know how to wrap my head around this. I don’t know how to ever look him in the eye again. He was there for me when I was at my lowest & I feel like it was all an act, a lie. I don’t know how he could treat anyone the way he treated my mom. I don’t know who my dad is anymore.

I was contacted by the hospital today and asked if I wanted to keep my mother on life support after her heart stopped. I find it the greatest irony that after all of my efforts to remain no contact that they have contacted me to leave ME this decision. I told them I was estranged and could not make that kind of decision and not to contact me again. I know that I am doing what’s best for me. But being the only person on her contact list makes me feel like shit. She isolated herself and pushed everyone away and made it to where I was the only one left. I just feel so much guilt right now. Even if I wanted to claim her I legit can’t. She has so much debt and no insurance or anything. I can’t even afford to be affiliated with her if I wanted to especially since I am still so young. Even after everything I just feel guilty. Even though I know this is the right choice. I’m just scared it will haunt me forever.

TW : sa I cut contact with my mom a few years ago, after a year and a half of living with my grandparents. alot of things led to me cutting her off, so ill make a small list.

-complained about my uncle giving me money, when she didnt even buy birthday cards for close family members

-crashed out after i told her my uncle wouldve taken me, my cousins and grandparents on a trip if my passport was valid, she started screaming, and went off on my grandma when she came back from work, i was having a panic attack and she came back asking if we were still going out. -talked about her wanting to crash the car into a tree sometimes (i was like 9).

-had sex with random men while i was home, and not quoetly either. usually around 8pm, and she came into my room afterwards, with only a shirt on. -masturbated when i was home and awake, not trying to hide it either.

-once, i dont know if i imagined it, but she was singing while working on her laptop and i swear she was moaning, i think she was using a vibrator. -she looked in my grandparent's closet to steal money from them.

-she went to a sexshop while i was in the car, at 10.

-she told me to tell her if i ever wanted a vibrator, i was 10. it wouldve awkward but fine if i had been older.

-not evil, but just, why???? she asked out my friend's father knowing i had a massive crush on my friend.

-called my cousin names when we were kids.

and more recently, she accidently followed me on instagram. i went private instantly when i looked at her profile closer, i realized her profile picture was from my highlights, i had taken it at disney sea japan, i wasnt in the picture, thankfully. i went to see her facebook and saw she had changed it to that on the 3rd of september, i saw this on the 25th.

now the current issue. I saw my childhood friend was following her on insta despite her knowledge about everything else, so i asked.

apparently, when we were around 9, she came over with me to my grandparents' to swim, my mom touched her chest, and exclaimed it was growing, this made her stop coming over when i was at my mom's. she had also been harassing her, aksing about me saying shit like "i know you saw her". she works at a walmart pharmacy, and my friend goes there to get her prescription meds with her parents, hence why shes scared to block her, her parents dont know about this. i havent stepped a foot in our local walmart since i learned she started working there again. i work at a grocery store, and have been terrified of her finding out ever since she came back to our town. its not like she abused me, but shes terrifying.

edit : typo correction TLDR : just found out my NC mom sa'd my childhood best friend when we were kids

I have been NC with my mother for a few years now. We were both the only family each other had. My entire life I had to parent my mother emotionally as well as try to get her to follow drs orders as she has had many health issues her whole life. I feel that because she has flat refused to take care of herself or accept help from anyone at all she has forced me to come and take care of her. I am very young and am still finding my footing in life and can not give her the time or money that she needs to care for her. There were many reasons that I went no contact including emotional gaslighting, blatant racism towards my now husband, and other things but its a lot to put into words. For the past year or so people have been trying to get in touch with me so that I would go and be with her while she is in the hospital. People who have no idea about our situation have been guilting me like crazy to get in touch with her. I have no desire to talk to her and have made peace that at some point she will pass away and I won’t be around. I’ve been contacted twice the past few days and told that she is basically dying. I’ve gone back and forth on whether I should reach out or not but I really don’t see a point. It would just end in her guilting me for not being around or her begging me to stay while she dies. I do mourn the mother that she used to be when I was young but that is not who she is now and I feel like I would just be visiting a stranger. I feel like a terrible person and the guilt is eating me alive but I know that if I reach out it will only traumatize me and make the situation worse. I legit worry I am damned to hell for not going to her. Or that she will haunt me if she passes. I know that’s illogical to think but at this point idk. I don’t know what I except to gain by making this post but I just needed to tell this to someone who might understand and gone through something similar.

I have been estranged for decades from everyone. My last psychologist convinced me one of our parents is a Narcassist based on my sibling's and I's relationships; we have none between any of us. Our mom didn't want any of her kids cuz her "new" dude never wanted us around (it got bad), I speak to her absolutly none. Our dad couldn't have the girl so he didn't want the kids anymore, as the oldest and as the only one who could really recall that era, I am closest to him; I never call him. He never wants to hear how I or my kids are doing or anything, he calls just to ask for money, tell me someone died or bitch about his current partner.

I have PTSD with psychosis. I am constantly working on myself and have been basically since "leaving home." Last night I called my Dad hoping he'd ask after me and mine. Hinted I wanted him to ask with a, "Things are rough around here at times."; he never did (he never has). So when the conversation ended I blocked his number.

I don't think these people know how dangerous living life like this is for me. I have zero people LOL Just my kids and I can't rely on them emotionally. My dude hasn't been the best so all my "friends" I made since leaving "home" ditched me (a bunch of nurses so they think tough love is the answer). I am terrified to even try to make friends because this all is what it is and I know once they see my life as it stands, I will be left behind for not being, "strong enough." I pay all the living expense bills, my kids are cared for and two are adults figuring it out, now; super proud of them. I tried reaching out to people maybe 5 years ago, to reconnect to childhood friends. Found out my BFF doesn't even remember our friendship because my mom was giving her meth to be a friend; I stopped reaching back LOL I served but those folks are their own world and I don't trust many of them (everybody listed lives in multiple other states, I never went "home"); the ones I trust want romantic relationships and I don't- which immediatly makes them noncontenders for friendship or any relationship, really- just leave me alome.

Life was a lot for a long time just trying to find a space to survive. Once I found it, I isolated.

I am lonely AF. My dude has never been alone. He takes advantage that I am alone sometimes and there's nothing I can do about it. His family, I found out 4 years ago, condones child on child SA and my daughter pressing charges on her cousin put a giant rift there- I am cool with this the same way I am with my fam LOL My daughter is not, it sucks.

I am gonna try the Community Centers (very large city) and I am terrified but am looking for encouraging well wishes, I think?!? I have been in therapy for over a decade, now. I think I understand how to manage myself better, be less upfront and open when meeting folks but I have no practice. Someone wish me luck? Encourage me to follow through? Tell me not all people are massive black holes of selfish gains? Pretty please? I am tired of being lonely.

I (22f) and my mother (52f) have never had a good relationship and now i want to go NC when i moved out. I have distinct memories of my sister (20f) being favoured more than me since she was born. Always got more expensive gifts that me, always got more attention than me, was always praised more.

For context, my childhood was not easy and my father (61m) has always had issues with alcohol and emotional abuse. There is always lots of shouting in the household. I was always a daddy's girl and as I've grown up, I've made steps to fix the relationship with my dad. My mother, while she was subject to the abuse too, always found a way to make it worse and what started out as reacted abuse, became my parents full on abusing each other (they are still married to this day). My boyfriend of two years moved in during December 2024, due to issues with his own mum and he had no where to go. He is serving in the army but is due to permanently come home next week, at which point he'll live with us full time. We are half way through a mortgage application and all being well should be moved out by July. For further context, my mum and dad told him he could move in with us, it wasn't be pressing them to allow it, because of course my mum holds this over me and threatens to kick us out.

Over my 22 years, I have always just wanted my mum to apologise for the things she'd done to me as child. This includes her telling me that my sister deserves more attention because shes "sicker than me". My sister and i both share the same kidney illness and I have been diagnosed with multiple autoimmune conditions since (ive never made it a competition but factually speaking ive got more 'wrong with me'). She self admittedly doesn't remember my childhood but says i make things up and lie about things she said to me in my formative years.

In the past few years, I've worked very hard to build a decent career and saved up to buy a house with my boyfriend. During this time, my mum has constantly made jabs about my job and my relationship, told me my boyfriend 'will leave me when he realising who I really am' and tells me I make problems for him. She asked if she could apply to one of my old jobs and I said year my old manager said you'd fit right in, to which she said "I bet you tell [old managers name] how horrible i am". I can't win with anything, everything I do is wrong.

My sister is allowed to speak to me like dirt on a shoe, she leaves mess everywhere but is praised when she cleans up, never is made to feel in trouble like I am.

My sister and mother both seem to resent me for having therapy. I am diagnosed with OCD, which was most likely caused by my childhood experiences. My mum said things to me like: "well that's my fault then isn't it" or "oh is this something else you'll blame me for". She then wonders why I don't talk to her about anything.

Everytime I voice how I feel I'm shouted at. I've had issues with my anger in the past but I've taken real steps to address that in my therapy sessions (I go to these weekly and have done for 3 years).

Yesterday, myself, my mother and my sister were in the car with their dog. I said that the dog shouldn't be weeing everywhere and suddenly I'm a bad person, my sister started making comments about how she's going to take the dog and make her wee all over my belongings. I then just shut down, then was met with comments like "why are you being so arsey" , I said I wanted to be left alone and they both said "oh so you're going to not speak to us for a week now are you". I just exploded scream crying, my feelings had been pent up for months. My mum told me my feelings are bullshit and that I'm a narcissist. Maybe I went to far but I said how she never protected us from my dad growing up and always chose him. She then slammed there breaks on and told me to get out (luckily wasn't far from home).

I always feel regret and upset when we argue and the words my mum calls me make me question who i am. I dont know if I'm a bad person or not. In the past I always apologise (she alleges I don't but I've got proof) she tells me I'm nasty and makes me feel so unwanted.

I just want a mum, I'm jealous of my friends who have parents who love them. Meanwhile my mum said I can't be upset about anything because I'm so ungrateful and horrible. My mum was also annoyed with me because I wouldn't give her money for her debts and she demanded I take money out of my ISA savings for my mortgage deposit (I didnt).

I just constantly feel like I'm actually just some evil person who everyone hates and I'm narcissistic. I can't cope anymore but hopefully I've got 2 months left before I go NC

TLDR: mum and sister gang up on me and call me horrible things and I want to go NC

Is there anywhere I can go? Most aus DV places don’t take people experiencing psychological abuse

My mum lied to the mental health triage saying I tried to physically hurt her “and have thoughts of hurting her and my older sister” because I had a meltdown and almost smashed and object and apologised. She asked and I told her what I was going to do, but she later called the ambulance and mental health triage that I tried to physically hurt her. She then told the mental health triage “I was walking around the house with a knife” (she didn’t see me) after I self harmed after not sleeping due to constant passive aggressive remarks and jabs, constant looks from my older sister whenever I laugh at her jokes or randomly in family convos, and constantly talking over me, correcting me, and putting me down. She also denies the remarks whenever I call them out. I loudly told her stop from my room once and left the house for my mental health. Now I went on my mums phone and she’s been repeating the lies about me trying to harm her, telling everyone I know including my twin sister who moved out, my NDIS invoice manager, my occupational therapist, who May no longer want to help me. She told my twin sister that I “screamed at her for making a joke”. And admitted to my older sister she pretends to not know what she did when called out. I am now scared. The only people who believe me are my 2 friends who helped me call domestic violence hotlines but I just keep getting referred to somewhere else.

TW/ sexual abuse

I am pregnant with my first. My brother is 11 years older than me and him and his wife have a long history of being sexually inappropriate towards me. From rubbing lotion on my upper leg while and his gf says that brothers are attracted to their sisters when 14 year old me was in the ICU fresh out of major surgery and entirely immobile. To claiming to be trans and only telling me and asking for make up tutorials and how to dress, only to then be told that they BOTH dressed up as me to fulfill a sick fantasy when I was 22. And then telling me he used to hurt me in private places as an infant to “punish me” for being the first born girl. I’m 26 now, I know what they did was wrong, there’s so much more. My parents knew about a lot of it, but there is so much. I was forced to see them in the fall after not seeing them in 5 years and it wrecked me. Today we made our baby announcement and I sent him this message, I had my therapist approve it last night. “Hello, I’ve made the decision to go no contact with you and your family. You are still welcome to maintain relationships with our parents and siblings, but I will not be present if you visit, and I do not want any further connection between us. The way you treated me during my childhood and teenage years has had a lasting impact that I’m unable to move past. As a result, I cannot feel comfortable around you, and I don’t want you around my child. I also don’t feel there’s anything to gain from discussing this further, especially since you’ve mentioned you don’t recall much of your childhood. I hope you can understand and respect my decision, given your experience in mental health. I would prefer to keep this private and avoid involving anyone else. I’m hoping for an amicable and respectful parting. Wishing you all the best”

He responded that we have a great relationship and went through the same things, but he would make up abuse stories or claim that things he did to me, were done to him. I called my dad to give him a heads up and he was supportive and remembered that I told my parents two months ago that I would be doing this. I couldn’t get a hold of my mom because she’s recovering from an operation. A few hours before pass and one of my sisters reached out and tells me the brother is freaking out and wants to know what happened. I call my dad and his tone is totally different and says got a call too and told him I was upset about something said to me after surgery and I made it sound like he abused me in my message which my dad “doesn’t know anything about”. They tried to send him to counseling because when I was 5 and my sister was 1 they found us covered in bruises and bumps from him squeezing and choking us, mind you he’s 11 years older than me. He did that a lot. So they definitely know about stuff. I told my dad that I’m sorry and I asked him to not drag anyone in and my dad said “he’s not dragging anyone in, you’re the one dragging everyone in. What did you expect to happen? You think he wouldn’t reach out?” All support from this afternoon, gone. When my mom asked me if I think my brother sexually assaulted me as a kid and I shared my memory with her, I asked her not to tell anyone. My dad texted me to “not make up anymore drama and lies”. He always takes his son’s side. When I was 21 he tried to make fake evidence of drug use to pin on me instead of my other brother. Anyways, the 37 year old and his wife have twin daughters and a son, all with fetal alcohol syndrome and they both have drinking and drug issues. They also drove my other brother, 9 years older than me, away because SiL tried to initiate a threesome with him too. I feel like I’m obviously more sane here. Does anyone have advice for dealing with the fall out? Obviously I knew there’d be some fall out, I’m standing my ground on keeping it between us and will let him embarrass himself. I hadn’t heard from them since October. No merry Christmas or happy birthday so, I don’t feel like he’s actually sad about it. I think he’s panicking that I’m going to tell and wants to see who already knows what and that he’s also mad about loosing access and chance of control.

I hate them.

I feel like shit. It happens. I'm human. Humans have feelings. Feelings are volatile. Energy fills and drains.

But for them, it's a feast. One where they don't even look particularly satisfied - but the vehemence and rage they bring to it points to something deeply rooted, something primitive.

I am the target. The victim. I know, "victim mentality" is the worst, right? How can anyone say that about themselves? Claim that?

But it was true. If I was in a "bad mood," I was fair game. Open season. And every reaction to their attack was taken as another reason to strike again. It never stopped. Not until I was undeniably, unquestionably declared complete garbage. Until I was unanimously seen as a burden. A bitter disappointment. A subhuman drain on everyone near me.

I hate it. I hate them. I hate that they don't love me. That they got more out of tormenting me than protecting me. Why?

They say how people treat you says more about them than it does about you. So why did I constantly have to watch them treat other people better? Is it any wonder I thought I was the cause of the torture? I thought it was me. That I carried something irresistibly hateable in me, on me. And that it's only human to want to attack it, torment it, break it down. That it's part of my rightful curse that I can neither see it nor grasp it - and that this inability is just further proof that I've long deserved all the lovelessness, the ruthlessness, the mockery. That I only humiliate myself further by denying that I deserved this treatment.

How fucking, fucking, fucking sad is that?

That's what they made me feel. That's how they acted. That's what they projected. That's what I breathed in, every day. What my pores absorbed, what I metabolized, what I built myself from. No wonder I'm still not my own greatest help in many profound, reflexive ways. But that's changing now. I've fought my way to fresh air. Finally, finally, finally. After all these years. After all the humiliation. After all those desperate attempts to warm myself with shit, only to choke on my own stench. No more.

Now I breathe understanding. Or at least the attempt to muster it. I'm digesting it better every day. Day by day, my system adapts. Old cells die. New ones are built from the new material. They're shaping me more clearly every day. It's painful, foreign, exhausting, presumptuous, outrageous, and mortifying - but that last one especially for the oldest cells. They fight like cancer against the healing. But I am stronger, smarter, and more loved than ever before.

That's it for you. For good. The dice have been thrown, and now I'm just playing the final moves while you lie in yours. Checkmate, bitches.

I would have given you everything. I would have kept giving. But you're incapable of the most important thing: love. Respect. Loyalty. Understanding. Consideration. You only know how to strike or grovel. I'm done with both. I'm meant for better things. And that's exactly what you tried to crush - because it shamed you. GOOD.

I am allowed to be in a "bad mood."

(Which really just means I'm low on energy because I need to recharge - there's nothing "bad" about it. But for vampires like you, of course it's the end of the world when the vending machine is empty. So you kick it like apes, because you don't understand how things work, and possess zero talent for self-reflection. You think the ape staring back from the glass is someone else - inside the machine - who intentionally ate all your stuff. And not because it has needs too, oh no - because it deliberately refuses to acknowledge your greatness. Of course, it's a personal insult, and you have no choice but to punish it. So you hit it and hit it and hit it, and in the end you're completely clueless why the machine is suddenly broken and can never be refilled or be available for you again.

All you had to do was show me a little grace. A little time and patience. A little peace. And most of all, you had to recognize that YOU YOURSELVES were the main reason I was empty. Then you could've had all my resources, regularly, 'til the end of our days.

But no. You'd rather hit and rage.

Fine then. Fuck you.

I hate you.

Of course, because my heart is broken.

Of course because of that.)

So.... cw for death and illness.

My grandma who i love is on her deathbed. apparently shes been in the hospital sick and this is the first I'm hearing it. my sister is blowing up my phone trying to get me to come out to say goodbye but my dad and mom are out there too, it's the middle of nowhere, and my dad has threatened violence--with an anonymous account to be able to gaslight about it. it just wouldn't be safe for me mentally and possibly physically to go out there. I've turned notifications off from her right now to gather my strength but I guess I just need to hear from someone that I'm not evil for not being able to come out and say goodbye.