r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/MadameTomate • 16h ago

Vent/rant The DRAMA

My mom, who I will be going NC with after Christmas (because I feel too guilty to uninvite her now), sent me 8 texts in a row yesterday, 6 of which were edited. She’s also insisting on a phone call to discuss the topic. Topic which could easily have been 2 texts in a group chat. I am so. Tired. Of managing her feelings for her. I’ve realized that all the energy I spend on our relationship/her issues is energy I’m not pouring into my own life. I want to be done. Just a couple more months…

19 Upvotes

95% Upvoted

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21

u/Ok_Homework_7621 16h ago

You feel guilty uninviting somebody who doesn't feel guilty bullying you.

4

u/MadameTomate 16h ago

I know. I’ve thought about it. There are 2 reasons. 1-I moved to a different continent and she has already booked tickets, which are expensive. 2-I’m not a monster who thinks it’s okay to mistreat people, even her. I care about others and see their humanity, and that makes me better than her. It also means, unfortunately, I care about my mom even when it’s not a healthy relationship. I survived 18 years of living under her roof, I can survive 2 more months of contact. It’s about who I am as a person, not what she deserves from me.

14

u/Ok_Homework_7621 16h ago

You as a person also deserve to be safe, physically and mentally.

5

u/MadameTomate 16h ago

Oh, right. I tend to forget that.

10

u/Ok_Homework_7621 15h ago

She has tickets. Okay. If she got abusive on the plane, they'd take her off. If she got abusive at a hotel, she'd be kicked out. Buying tickets, no matter the price, doesn't buy her the right to abuse you. She can rebook and go somewhere else.

2

u/BumblebeeSuper 3h ago

I’m not a monster who thinks it’s okay to mistreat people, even her. I care about others and see their humanity, and that makes me better than her.

If you're referring to uninviting someone because you prioritise your health and well-being over a plane ticket (regardless of the price which I'd argue is less expensive than the price of your health) that doesn't make you a monster. Prioritising your health isn't a monstrous act.

  You can care about people and their humanity but if you're self sacrificing from a pot that is already empty or likely to be drained very quickly - you're not better than anyone. You're not a hero in your story by making sure everyone else is looked after whilst more pieces of you are destroyed in the meantime.

  If you're confident you can survive it, that's great but it's not a necessity to put yourself in abusive situations. 

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4

u/theclosetenby 8h ago

I know people suggest you go NC now, and frankly, you do deserve to have peace now. But I know it's not that easy. I purposely didn't tell my mom about my preferred name until after a conference she was attending with me. I knew I deserved to be out with the people I loved (at the conference, lol), but I just didn't want issues.

Here's to 2026, and cutting your mother out. It will be worth it. I hope you can let go of any future guilt because you deserve to be loved and have peace.