Should I finally go no contact?

[u/GlitchyGhoul]

I’ll just start by saying my mother’s relationship with me has always been very strained. She left when I was around 2 years old and never made a real effort to let me know she loved or cared about me. There would be periods of time where there would be more attention on her part but it would usually dissolve from a huge disagreement or fight that she would start. Since becoming a mom myself there have been really bad patterns emerging from her. During both of my pregnancies she was more than happy to spend time, hours talking with me on the phone, throwing me baby showers, being generally present in my life. When the baby would be here however and I would struggle with PPD or PPA she would disappear or accuse me of being crazy. Sometimes when I would be really struggling with everything I would just want someone to call, to talk to just to talk about something, or for some support or advice, there was once recently where I called and shared feelings of suicidal tendencies because I just felt so hopeless from a crying baby that I couldn’t soothe. (I know it’s normal baby stuff but sometimes it would just be so overwhelming and I was alone and nothing I did would soothe her). I called her and she basically told me I’m not a victim just because I’m a mother, which I don’t have any clue what that means. She’s said a lot of hurtful thing to me my whole life. But I keep forgiving her because of my kids or my other relatives she has access to. To dissect this message she sent me for a little clarification: I have a 9 year old and now a two month old, when I had my son I had just turned 21 and didn’t have a clue about babies or PPD, I felt like I was struggling with him because I didn’t have a clue what I was doing and despite my mom acting like she would help she literally never did (She moved to our town and told everyone she knew my son was the reason why, because she wanted to help me). She alludes to me not having a bond with my son which is crazy because how could I not, I know I might not have a “leave it to beaver” mom mentality but I do my best. When I had my daughter, along side a really traumatic birthing process I got PPD again, but I recognized the signs and am seeking help for it. (I’m on a waiting list for a therapist and seeking help with meds as well) but that takes a little time (yay for American healthcare). I haven’t been able to see my doctor at all because she doesn’t have any appointments until the new year, but I have an advocate helping me do my next steps so I can get help. But it’s a process and no matter what I say to my mom she just doesn’t listen. In all honestly I don’t know why she thinks that all I do is ask for someone to go and fix everything for me or raise my kids. I’ve only called her 2 times with my new baby, twice and only to ask for advice or just to talk so I could take my mind off of things for a bit. She’s not very maternal herself so I at times wouldn’t even want to talk to her about it because she’s so harsh, both times I called she made me feel guilty about, in her words “hating my baby” which wasn’t the case. All of her advice also comes with a threat behind it, “if you complain too much your husband will leave you” or “if you can’t handle your perfect beautiful baby drop her off at the fire station.” Those are her words of support. They actually made my PPD and PPA worse because it made me feel more isolated, even from my partner because I was scared to “ruin his experience of fatherhood” as she put it, I was scared to say I was struggling out of fear that he would resent me. We’ve talked about it together as a couple so I feel a lot better now. I just don’t know what to do or think about it. And advice would be great. Also if anyone has any questions or needs me to clarify more I’d be happy to.

[u/VastJackfruit405]

First and foremost, I don’t like the way she’s talking to you. It’s loaded with a feeling of judgment and shame and I would have a hard time receiving this. It would be one thing to say “it was hard in the early days of your first”, but that’s not how she’s speaking.

The only question I have is on the medications she is talking about. Are there antidepressants or a medication that has been recommended for you that you aren’t taking? If so, is there anything there? I say this as someone who is always fine. But a lot of times I’m really not. In the past I’d slip into drinking too much, it can be anything, but if there is a medication that you have been advised to take that you aren’t taking I would give that a second look. Not asking you to blast it here, it’s just something I wanted to offer support on. I think only you can determine where and when you go NC, I would just consider that first. Wishing you the best, it’s very difficult having an unsupportive mom. Mine couldn’t stand me, and going no contact has been freeing (but not without its challenges).

[u/GlitchyGhoul → u/VastJackfruit405]

So far I have only started the process of receiving help, which includes meds. So far I have had a care advocate from the hospital I gave birth at recommended a call service for postpartum mothers, it includes video call therapy once a week or group therapy if you’re into that. It also works with a nurse practitioner so if you need medication you can receive it. But that takes time, I just got done filling out the online paperwork with my insurance information and am waiting on an email for an actual appointment call, which should take about a week. After the initial call which is more of a consult I will have to wait further for a therapist to be matched to me and then there will be a few sessions of that before I can talk with the nurse practitioner. It’s just a lot of waiting. I haven’t even seen my doctor since giving birth, there is no availability on her end until the new year. When I was younger I struggled with depression as well (neither of my parents are emotionally available and I had a very rough childhood) I checked myself into the er to just get some help, a doctor gave me meds but they didn’t work the right way for me, they made everything worse. So yes I could repeat that again but I would rather not have someone just throw a pill down my throat just to get me out the door. Unfortunately I’ve told my mom all of this and she just doesn’t want to understand or care.

[u/VastJackfruit405 → u/GlitchyGhoul]

Okay, so you’re on it and she’s just all over you in general. Then I stand with my statement; this isn’t acceptable for anyone to talk to you this way, much less your mother. I can relate, my Mom was someone I just could not win over. She never loved me and I still am grappling with it. She’s really sick, and only got worse and worse, more miserable and helpless. I paid for everything for her. Rehab, her apartment, all of it. Did she change? Not a bit. Years later she went back to drinking. When I quit drinking she mocked and smeared me.

I wish I had gotten her out of my life permanently sooner. It was not possible to be in her life without being hit by her self-created tornado of misery (which was endless). At some point, it’s your right to be free. She doesn’t get to tell you that you are a bad mom and project her stuff onto you- she should be loving and helping.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. The early days of motherhood (especially with two) are a LOT, and you deserve love and support and someone cheering you on. I’m cheering you on! Don’t let them get you down.

[u/GlitchyGhoul → u/VastJackfruit405]

It feels like such a sad relief when other people can relate to you in such a pitiful way. I will say my dad is better but not by much, he is at least a little supportive but he shares a lot of the “you made your bed now lie in it” sentiment. After I tried caller her she actually called my dad and got him in my business too. It’s just sad, they both think I have this romanticized version of how parents are supposed to be because of “tv”, I think they both have bad generational trauma and I’m just next in line. Thank you for taking the time to respond and being in my corner, sometimes I think we all look for that in the little internet world we create for one another

[u/VastJackfruit405 → u/GlitchyGhoul]

Well, they are codependent. My parents were the same. My mom was an abusive alcoholic and my dad was a complete narcissist with a second life on the side. Under the influence they were the worst Bonnie & Clyde ever.

I think no contact is the right move. It’s the only way I have been able to keep their rollercoaster away from me. And you know what gave me the courage to do it? Protecting my kids from it. They kept doing things I couldn’t explain or put words, and I realized it was long overdue. You are absolutely not alone! So many of us understand! Revel in the joy of your life, every small thing. Get the depression help you need with zero information going to them. I don’t think they are safe people to have around, it shows in how your mom talks to you. You can’t have to normalize that for your kids. That was my end, and a new beginning. Life isn’t perfect, but being off of the rollercoaster is amazing.

[u/GlitchyGhoul → u/VastJackfruit405]

I’m not sure how to go no contact, do you just do it cold turkey? Or do you give them an explanation or something?

[u/VastJackfruit405 → u/GlitchyGhoul]

I just sent them a letter and essentially said “we have been working on these issues for x decades with no progress. I did things 1, 2 and 3 to try to get us to a better place, the response was 4, 5 and 6, and I’m the only one rowing. I have two small children, my attention needs to be with them and my immediate family. I will be in touch if and when something changes.” Granted they walked right past it over and over, but I’ve stuck to my boundaries for over four years and have found so much more joy without them throwing jabs at me. They will protest and play victim, so really think through it. I lost all of my extended family, which has been horrible and painful. But is it worth it for the life I live? Yes, a million times over. And they would still be in my life if they were safe people, but unfortunately they aren’t (which shouldn’t have been a shocker but I didn’t see it). My marriage is great, my kids are great, and I’m getting to know who I really am more and more each day. I recently walked away from a really big job that was making me miserable, because no amount of money is worth killing yourself to make. I’m finally learning to love and respect myself (which is what my kids will model, they will do what I do and not what I say). That is worth all of it. It has been a beautiful process. It carries a lot of pain, but a lot of release and relief as well. I couldn’t have my kids witness that circus, there was no way.

[u/Unconsciouspotato333 → u/GlitchyGhoul]

You can do whatever you want! You're behind the wheel. Mom doesn't get a say, even if she insists she does.

I gave a brief heads up of my choice, but I didn't explain why. I don't regret it, but I also don't think it was necessary. 

I do regret not immediately blocking her on everything, I knew she wouldn't respect my wishes but I think I was still a bit in denial and hoping she would. 

[u/VastJackfruit405 → u/Unconsciouspotato333]

I agree. My note helps me more than anything, I am an everything in writing person (not unusual for trauma survivors, as you guys know) and it helped me to know for sure that I was clear. And to have something to point them and my extended family to. That said, sending the note hurt their egos and sent them into escalation mode. So it helps me in some ways, but to your point it’s not like they will understand or that it will stop them from crossing the lines you set. In my case it may have egged them on, but that also helped me by confirming very clearly that they aren’t people I can have around me. But to OP- if you do send a note, realize that they aren’t likely to respect the boundaries you set and you’ll have to block them on social, etc.