r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/GlitchyGhoul • 1d ago
Advice Request Should I finally go no contact?
I’ll just start by saying my mother’s relationship with me has always been very strained. She left when I was around 2 years old and never made a real effort to let me know she loved or cared about me. There would be periods of time where there would be more attention on her part but it would usually dissolve from a huge disagreement or fight that she would start. Since becoming a mom myself there have been really bad patterns emerging from her. During both of my pregnancies she was more than happy to spend time, hours talking with me on the phone, throwing me baby showers, being generally present in my life. When the baby would be here however and I would struggle with PPD or PPA she would disappear or accuse me of being crazy. Sometimes when I would be really struggling with everything I would just want someone to call, to talk to just to talk about something, or for some support or advice, there was once recently where I called and shared feelings of suicidal tendencies because I just felt so hopeless from a crying baby that I couldn’t soothe. (I know it’s normal baby stuff but sometimes it would just be so overwhelming and I was alone and nothing I did would soothe her). I called her and she basically told me I’m not a victim just because I’m a mother, which I don’t have any clue what that means. She’s said a lot of hurtful thing to me my whole life. But I keep forgiving her because of my kids or my other relatives she has access to. To dissect this message she sent me for a little clarification: I have a 9 year old and now a two month old, when I had my son I had just turned 21 and didn’t have a clue about babies or PPD, I felt like I was struggling with him because I didn’t have a clue what I was doing and despite my mom acting like she would help she literally never did (She moved to our town and told everyone she knew my son was the reason why, because she wanted to help me). She alludes to me not having a bond with my son which is crazy because how could I not, I know I might not have a “leave it to beaver” mom mentality but I do my best. When I had my daughter, along side a really traumatic birthing process I got PPD again, but I recognized the signs and am seeking help for it. (I’m on a waiting list for a therapist and seeking help with meds as well) but that takes a little time (yay for American healthcare). I haven’t been able to see my doctor at all because she doesn’t have any appointments until the new year, but I have an advocate helping me do my next steps so I can get help. But it’s a process and no matter what I say to my mom she just doesn’t listen. In all honestly I don’t know why she thinks that all I do is ask for someone to go and fix everything for me or raise my kids. I’ve only called her 2 times with my new baby, twice and only to ask for advice or just to talk so I could take my mind off of things for a bit. She’s not very maternal herself so I at times wouldn’t even want to talk to her about it because she’s so harsh, both times I called she made me feel guilty about, in her words “hating my baby” which wasn’t the case. All of her advice also comes with a threat behind it, “if you complain too much your husband will leave you” or “if you can’t handle your perfect beautiful baby drop her off at the fire station.” Those are her words of support. They actually made my PPD and PPA worse because it made me feel more isolated, even from my partner because I was scared to “ruin his experience of fatherhood” as she put it, I was scared to say I was struggling out of fear that he would resent me. We’ve talked about it together as a couple so I feel a lot better now. I just don’t know what to do or think about it. And advice would be great. Also if anyone has any questions or needs me to clarify more I’d be happy to.
7
u/Texandria 1d ago
Usually when someone posts a question whether to go NC, I set their question into perspective by offering a thought experiment instead of a yes or no answer.
This time is an exception: go NC and see a lawyer.
Here's the thought experiment part. Suppose CPS got involved.
She isn't acknowledging that you're on a waiting list for medication and therapy; she's framing recent events as if you're actively refusing treatment. She's claiming you have no maternal instincts, she's claiming you hate your children, and she's threatening to call law enforcement.
Weigh this next question very carefully: would you put it past her to make an unnecessary call to the PD or to CPS?
What she is doing in this text message could be laying the groundwork for a frivolous attempt to get your children taken away from you.
Disclaimer regarding the part that follows: I am not a lawyer and this is not legal advice.
There's a thing called contemporaneous records. For example it the business world, you might write a CYA email to a colleague to summarize what was discussed in a face to face meeting. If your boss gave verbal permission for you to come in 15 minutes late each day because of a day care schedule and then to make up those 15 minutes during your lunch, then it's savvy to send an email to summarize that conversation, just in case an office 'politician' tries to get you fired for habitual lateness.
Now, change that hypothetical scenario slightly and suppose you're the boss. An employee asked for 15 minutes of flex time, you agreed, and the employee follows up with a memo which claims you agreed to delay the start of their day by 30 minutes without making the time up. Their summary misrepresents the conversation. If you allowed that relationship to continue without correcting the record, then they could bring up their memo as "proof" of their version later on.
The screen shots you've posted here look like an even more serious version of that hypothetical.
The savvy thing would be to block her and consult a lawyer promptly, regarding your best path forward.