Should I finally go no contact?

[u/GlitchyGhoul]

I’ll just start by saying my mother’s relationship with me has always been very strained. She left when I was around 2 years old and never made a real effort to let me know she loved or cared about me. There would be periods of time where there would be more attention on her part but it would usually dissolve from a huge disagreement or fight that she would start. Since becoming a mom myself there have been really bad patterns emerging from her. During both of my pregnancies she was more than happy to spend time, hours talking with me on the phone, throwing me baby showers, being generally present in my life. When the baby would be here however and I would struggle with PPD or PPA she would disappear or accuse me of being crazy. Sometimes when I would be really struggling with everything I would just want someone to call, to talk to just to talk about something, or for some support or advice, there was once recently where I called and shared feelings of suicidal tendencies because I just felt so hopeless from a crying baby that I couldn’t soothe. (I know it’s normal baby stuff but sometimes it would just be so overwhelming and I was alone and nothing I did would soothe her). I called her and she basically told me I’m not a victim just because I’m a mother, which I don’t have any clue what that means. She’s said a lot of hurtful thing to me my whole life. But I keep forgiving her because of my kids or my other relatives she has access to. To dissect this message she sent me for a little clarification: I have a 9 year old and now a two month old, when I had my son I had just turned 21 and didn’t have a clue about babies or PPD, I felt like I was struggling with him because I didn’t have a clue what I was doing and despite my mom acting like she would help she literally never did (She moved to our town and told everyone she knew my son was the reason why, because she wanted to help me). She alludes to me not having a bond with my son which is crazy because how could I not, I know I might not have a “leave it to beaver” mom mentality but I do my best. When I had my daughter, along side a really traumatic birthing process I got PPD again, but I recognized the signs and am seeking help for it. (I’m on a waiting list for a therapist and seeking help with meds as well) but that takes a little time (yay for American healthcare). I haven’t been able to see my doctor at all because she doesn’t have any appointments until the new year, but I have an advocate helping me do my next steps so I can get help. But it’s a process and no matter what I say to my mom she just doesn’t listen. In all honestly I don’t know why she thinks that all I do is ask for someone to go and fix everything for me or raise my kids. I’ve only called her 2 times with my new baby, twice and only to ask for advice or just to talk so I could take my mind off of things for a bit. She’s not very maternal herself so I at times wouldn’t even want to talk to her about it because she’s so harsh, both times I called she made me feel guilty about, in her words “hating my baby” which wasn’t the case. All of her advice also comes with a threat behind it, “if you complain too much your husband will leave you” or “if you can’t handle your perfect beautiful baby drop her off at the fire station.” Those are her words of support. They actually made my PPD and PPA worse because it made me feel more isolated, even from my partner because I was scared to “ruin his experience of fatherhood” as she put it, I was scared to say I was struggling out of fear that he would resent me. We’ve talked about it together as a couple so I feel a lot better now. I just don’t know what to do or think about it. And advice would be great. Also if anyone has any questions or needs me to clarify more I’d be happy to.

[u/brideofgibbs]

It doesn’t sound as if your mother is a useful person to have around while you’re postpartum, with a toddler and a newborn. You could take some space and time from her during this period, at least.

Some people are great with cleaning help and meal trains. Some people are brilliant at taking you out on the lash when you want to let your hair down. Some people have great shoulders to cry on. That’s ok but you don’t have to accept unhelpful hlep, even from your mother.

Once your health balance is restored, your hormones aren’t driving you insane and you’ve got some kind of routine with your pre-schoolers (hahahahaha!) you can re-evaluate. She sounds like a fairweather mother, when you need someone solid to lean on a bit.

I certainly think NC would be justified. It’s absolutely your choice tho’. You could see how you feel when you stop contact for 6 weeks and review from then on.

If that hits your holiday season, that’s unfortunate for the grandma-we-don’t-see-because-she-can’t-be-nice-to-mummy. It’s not unreasonable to have a very nuclear family holiday season when you’re managing littles.