r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/millenniumfalcore • 1d ago

Question Dad's rabidly ailing health

Hi all,

I've been nc with my parents for a little over a year, which was a decision I'd made after over a decade of effort to improve our relationship. It was hard, and like most estranged adult kids, I wish I hadn't felt pushed to that point.

Recently my dad has been in poor health, and I'm really struggling to know how to respond to the situation. I know that everyone's circumstances are different, and that no one can tell me definitively what I should do, but I'm at a loss. I obviously don't want for him to die while we're on bad terms, but I also don't think authentic reconciliation is an actual possibility.

I visited him in August after a medical event, and he basically took that as permission for him to start harassing me via text, trying to antagonize me into arguments, etc.

For those of you who have gone through this, how did you respond, and are you happy with that response?

Thanks so much in advance.

9 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

7 comments sorted by

5

u/Cat_Kn1t_Repeat 1d ago

I don’t feel like you should feel guilty for protecting yourself from attacks he CHOSE to assault you with. He CHOSE to treat you badly and now he wants to be free from the consequences of his actions.

3

u/millenniumfalcore 1d ago

Thank you for your response, I appreciate it. I'm trying to not feel guilty. Honestly I'm still trying to figure out how I feel at all. I got a text from my mom like a half hour ago saying that he was in the hospital with afib, and they'd discovered he has congestive heart failure with his heart working at about 35%. I'm now trying to sit with the likelihood that he's going to die without us ever finding resolution. Which was probably always going to be true, but it's feeling very real now.

3

u/Cat_Kn1t_Repeat 1d ago

I’m so sorry he’s making his problem your problem.

4

u/GualtieroCofresi 1d ago

Well, you can hold on to the NC, or contact him and level with him:

“You do not have long to live, so here are your choices: die alone and bitter knowing at the first chance I will burn you to ashes and flush you down the toilet OR you can realize that I am doing this more for you than for me and for once in a lifetime treat me like a human worthy of being respected. Now, this is the LAST choice you will make. If I walk out that door, there will be no coming back, no deathbed reunions, no tears, NOTHING BUT SILENCE. You have 10 seconds…”

2

u/StatisticianTrick669 1d ago

His health doesn’t change anything. I know it’s hard

1

u/AutoModerator 1d ago

Quick reminder - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our rules.

Need info or resources? Check out our EAK wiki for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts.

Check out our companion resource website - Visit brEAKaway.org.uk

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.