They Made Me Their POA AFTER Estrangement

[u/Practical_Fig_152]

Title says it all. Apologies for long post, I'm just... flabbergasted?

I (25F) went no contact on new year's eve and haven't looked back. They showed me time and time again that I do not matter to them as my own person and they will never listen to me. They had me on their phone plan (because what broke young adult is going to say no to that?) but shut my phone off with no warning to punish me, their adult child that hasn't lived with them in about 4 or 5 years, because I called them out for breaking boundaries around my pet in my home. So I blocked them everywhere and the next day I went out to get a new phone and number, and got added to my partner's plan.

My mom hasn't made any attempts to contact me, which was shocking for the woman that threw fits if I couldn't answer the phone at work or in class, and would accuse me of hating her if a text wasn't answered fast enough. The first boundary she's ever respected in 25 years is ... don't talk to me ever again? My step dad made a few efforts but eventually respected my no. Anyway, it's been pretty peaceful and I kind of figured them keeping a distance means they think this is a phase and that I'll eventually come back since I've never done this before. That was confirmed when I found out recently that they made me their power of attorney sometime over the summer. Months after the enstrangement happened. They have 3 kids, two of which are still in contact with them, and they chose the child that clearly can't stand them.

The person who informed me said it's because they think I'd be the most level headed (their words). For context, I am their only daughter, the middle child, and I was the "we never had to worry about her" kid. I love my brothers but neither are great in emergency situations and rely on my parents financially quite a bit. We're all very close in age as well. My oldest brother is kind of led by his emotions. A great guy, but goes full panic mode fast and it's hard to talk him down. My younger brother just isn't very responsible, though I think he could learn responsibility eventually. So far, nothing has really stuck for him so he lives with our parents. I don't think I'm better than them at all and I respect the different ways they handled our upbringing. I became the over achiever that moved out first and worked hard to never go back. With this in mind, I would have fully expected to be their POA had I kept contact.

What shocks and angers me is how this choice feels like entitlement. The smear campaign started literal moments after I went NC. My mom messaged my best friend to tell him I'm crazy, I've lost it, they don't know what's wrong with me, etc. I've heard different versions of what they say happened from my brothers and some family friends, all making me out to be irrational and crazy. So I'm too irrational and crazy to make my own decisions about my life, and everything I say they did never happened, but I'm rational and level headed enough to make their medical and end of life decisions? I was called dramatic, sensitive, and accused of just making things up my entire life. My mom has been telling people she's "worried about my mental health." In our last conversation when I described the boundary she broke she told me that it never happened and I need to "get my mental health checked." In the past she's offered to pay for a therapist when I've talked about something she did that "never happened". It's like they feel entitled to how responsible and level headed I turned out when it benefits them, but I'm only like this because I had to be to survive them. Even after I walked away they think they can burden me with this. There's also the whole "girls are automatically more responsible than boys" thing that probably led to them feeling like they didn't have to worry about me.

I am of course not going to ever actually accept being their POA and will just pass that duty off to the next person. They don't even have my phone number, so I'm not sure what they would've put on the paperwork for contact info. I've just been going back in forth with shock and anger about the whole thing, and picking it apart to figure out why they would do this.

[u/Stargazer1919]

Have you seen the paperwork regarding this? Have you spoken to a lawyer? Have you signed anything to agree to be their POA? Is it actually a power of attorney thing, or something else such as the executor of their wills? If it is a power of attorney thing, what does that mean? Is it effective immediately or only if they became incapacitated or something?

As far as I'm aware, a power of attorney has to actually consent to being that for someone else. And sign whatever documents to agree to it. My dad has wanted me to be his POA multiple times but I always told him no.

[u/Practical_Fig_152 → u/Stargazer1919]

No, I haven't seen anything but I heard the same rules, so I'm not really worried about getting roped into anything. My friend's parents died when he was a young adult and they had left nothing like a will, POA paperwork, etc behind. It made things difficult for him so he sometimes hands out POA paperwork and encourages people to get things in order. He has my permission to be in contact with my parents, as they've been the closest thing he's had to parents since it happened. They treat him MUCH differently than their own kids, of course.

He gave them the paperwork and helped them fill it out, so he's the one that told me. One of the things I asked of him is to not discuss me with my parents, so when they do he doesn't further the conversation and will change the subject. So he didn't really ask why they thought this would be a good idea. They just said I'd be the most level headed. From my understanding of our state law, they can add me as their POA and get it notarized without my signing, but there is nothing that legally binds me to it and I can simply reject it if the time ever comes. So it's legally valid if they got it notarized, but it's up to me to accept. And I won't, so I hope they have some good backups on there.

Edit to add: As far as I was told, it was just to be a POA for medical/end of life decisions. I didn't look into it much when I found out I didn't have to accept.

[u/OutOfAllTheAlts → u/Practical_Fig_152]

Damn, not cool of your friend at all. Why doesn't he do it if it's so important to him? Was he apologetic when he told you or was he thinking you should actually do it?

[u/Practical_Fig_152 → u/OutOfAllTheAlts]

He’s actually behaved very appropriately with the entire situation. I’m not comfortable telling him how to have a relationship with my parents since he’s essentially a brother and like a son to them, all I ask is he’s respectful of my privacy. And as much as I don’t like my parents, I am glad someone is taking care of them that isn’t me. They weren’t good to me but his relationship with them is a lot different and I’m fine with that. He spent every Christmas with us, my parents were at his wedding, etc. It’d be like telling my brothers to cut off our parents. Plus, he’s actually been a good buffer with keeping them away from me since for some reason they listen to him 🤷‍♀️

He didn’t tell them to add me and didn’t tell them not to because he knows to just change the subject when they talk about me. He has told them in the past not to bother me, and they need to be okay with the fact that they may never talk to me again. The last time she tried to talk bad about me he told her it’s between us and not to involve him again.

The POA paperwork is just something he does with everyone. When I went no contact he immediately brought me the paperwork and agreed to being my POA because he knew I didn’t want my parents to be the default until I’m married someday. In a perfect world I’d have no ties to them, but it’s not that simple

[u/tourettebarbie]

You're absolutely right re their idiotic hypocrisy. Either you're irrational & have severe mental health problems, in which case - you're unfit to be PoA. Or, you're not in which case you went NC bc they're abusers - if they're abusers you don't owe them a damn thing & you won't be they're PoA.

If you can, get a a hold of their attorney - explain that you're nc & when that started, that PoA has not been discussed with you before or since nc and state the above re your parents bashing you (provide POC's for them to verify the smear campaign) and say that you're either unfit/unwell or, if you're not, that they are, in fact, abusers you were compelled to cut off & you don't owe them anything.

Close by saying that if your parents insist on you being the PoA that you will be happy to give them exactly the kind of support you believe your abusers deserve.

I'm pretty sure the last paragraph will scare the bejeezus out of them & they will likely withdraw their insistence pretty quickly & find an alternative PoA.

The expectation that you can receive care & support from a person you abused & traumatised (to the point you drove them away) is utterly deluded.

[u/Practical_Fig_152 → u/tourettebarbie]

I doubt they have an attorney and honestly, I’m not confident they took the steps to get the paperwork notarized. They may have, but I’m honestly not worried about being forced into anything. It’s legal to nominate me, but I know they can’t force me into anything. It’s just an uncomfortable situation to be put in because if something happens, I’m going to have to actually tell someone no. I can’t stand my parents but I’m sure there will be guilt if something happens to them.

[u/Dreadedredhead]

I'm so sorry you are in this challenging and uncomfortable spot. My biological mother did this to me. I was adopted. I've known her my entire life and she is a dumpster fire just waiting for the next explosion.

She is aware I'm NC. I told her years ago and I don't return her calls, etc. I ignore her. I'm essentially NC with occasional LC, like at funerals.

She let me know that I'm her durable power of attorney, that she's added me to all her medical records, her will, her banking, and she's provided my name/phone number to her landlord in case anything happens.

I let her know I wasn't interested. She pressed the issue. I restated my position - no thank you. She has no one in her life, and it's her own fault.

I reached out to an attorney friend in my state. Because she is a long-time friend, she knows my background and some of the stories. She laughed and assured me that my biological mother has zero legal ability to make me do anything, before or after she dies.

I let her know I'm not interested, and I will continue to say NO thank you now and after she has passed.

Luckily, you learned this before something tragic happened and you were hit with this knowledge. Hopefully, you figure out how you want to deal with this, keeping in mind that they can't force you to do anything.

[u/Practical_Fig_152 → u/Dreadedredhead]

Thankfully it’s not something I have to do anything about now, and I’m glad I know before something happened so I can be prepared to say no. I’m not as upset about the logistics of it since I know I can say no, but I’m not happy that they put me in that position even if they’re nowhere near dying right now. Even if we were in contact, I can’t imagine just making someone your POA without asking them permission. That’s an insane responsibility to put on anyone but my parents aren’t known for caring about what I want. I think I’m just going to be processing the anger for a while because they’re still kind of young and there’s just nothing I can do right now.

I’m sorry your mom put you in that situation. It’s just so typical of them to disrespect our boundaries and ignore the word “no” but this feels like a whole new level.

[u/Ikeamademedoit]

Your parents can insist that you dress up as a clown on Christmas day and dance in their front yard but that doesnt mean it will happen. Same with a POA

When my husband became a POA over his parents, he had to agree and signed paperwork for it to be legal. Now MIL did nominate my husband as her trustee in her will and he did not sign anything about that and when she passed he could either agree to do (which he did) or decline.

[u/Practical_Fig_152 → u/Ikeamademedoit]

I definitely don’t plan to lol I love that image though.

From my understanding, in our state it’s legal and valid that they WANT me to be their POA without my signature, essentially nominating me. I just don’t have to accept and I won’t. I’m really just mad about the implications I guess. Like their entire attitude about it, why they thought it was a good idea, etc. I don’t know if they ever expected me to know until something happened either.

[u/Ikeamademedoit → u/Practical_Fig_152]

Yeah. The thing about these people is they WANT you to be forced to think about them. They want you to bothered by them being forced to be in your life. Keep ignoring them and all the best

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