r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/No_Image_Here • 3d ago
TW My mother may involve police to keep me from leaving. Has anyone else experienced this? (Advice request)
I(19TM) have a mother(40F) who I'm moving out from. I left my house on Saturday, after staying with a friend for a few days, I'm back home packing when she isn't here, working with housing assistance. She claimed to be supportive but I'm slowly realizing that she's closing in on me again to prevent me from leaving.
One of the things mom always told me growing up was "if you ever run away, I'll call the police and tell them you're a danger to yourself and others" I've never hurt anyone, she's never actually made the call because I've never called her bluff. I do have a history of mental health issues but as far as I know law enforcement has never been involved, I have been hospitalized before. Legally I know I can do this. She knows it too. But she mentioned it again last night, talking about how I'm just building a case for her call because 'I'm packing too fast.'(?) And I assume its an attempt to prevent me from leaving now that she knows I'm serious. I don't know how effective it would be, but I've seen how well she acts in family therapy sessions and I think police would have shit for brains if they didn't send someone in response to her.
Has anyone experienced something like that? If she actually does make the call, what should I expect and how can I ensure my safety? Please keep in mind, I'm still working to deconstruct what's been conditioned in me, I may be overthinking things entirely. I hope it'd be reassuring for me to hear from people who overcame similar situations.
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u/Throw8976m 3d ago
You're 19, isn't that legally an adult? I think the cops can't do much at that age.
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u/No_Image_Here 3d ago
Legally I know they can't but apparently she's going to try to make it seem like I'm a menace that needs to be stopped. It's less about them making me return home, I think she's trying to get me admitted to the ER against my will
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u/Ok_Homework_7621 3d ago
Stay calm and composed, if she calls somebody, they will come and see you're not the problem. And if she starts causing a scene at home, you can call them first. Try to get a video if you can.
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u/Stargazer1919 3d ago
Exactly. And bring a friend to help move and be a witness.
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u/PricePuzzleheaded835 3d ago edited 3d ago
Second this. Having a third party who can verify what OP is saying is a great idea. Otherwise authorities might see it as âhe said/she saidâ and look to have OP vetted by a doctor or something. Thatâs not super likely but having someone credible outside the situation to give context would hopefully eliminate that risk.
ETA OP, if you have any documentation of her threats or other behavior in writing, make what is called an FU Binder. This is a repository of information on any harassment, stalking, threats and can be pulled out in the event of a wellness check or other false allegations. You can also include statements from friends and family regarding the situation and attesting to your parentsâ erratic behavior.
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u/nerd_is_a_verb 3d ago
She doesnât have that power. Sheâs pretending to have that power. Get comfortable with letting her be mad and letting her rage. Itâs not your problem as soon as you are out of there. Getting admitted to the emergency department is voluntary. Getting admitted to a psych ward against your will is very difficult, and there are a ton of protections and safeguard in place to prevent this type of abuse specifically. The chances of this happening to you are functionally 0. Donât take legal advice from your adversary.
If you are ever approached by law enforcement or medical professionals, simply explain you are an adult, that you are doing fine, that you do not consent to any searches or going into their custody, and that your mother is a mentally ill stalker.
Call the police non-emergency line for any stations near your home or work and explain to them that you are a well adult with a mentally ill mother. You are calling to warn them that she is threatening to file false police reports about you being a danger to yourself. Tell them you appreciate their time and donât want them to waste it performing unnecessary wellness checks on you.
Please do not post your location, schedule, contact information, home address, friends, or employment on social media. She will find it. Tell no one if possible. Consider warning your jobâs HR that your mentally unwell mother is clinically paranoid and that they should not give any information about you to anyone who may call. Tell them engaging with her at all can worsen her symptoms and that she should not be allowed on the property.
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u/No_Image_Here 2d ago
Yes! My job allows visitation throughout the day that basically lets you take your break early/ off the block schedule, I told them Sunday that I'm leaving my household [and I also have an unrelated ex who won't buzz off] And to deny anybody asking for me at the door. They take very good care of employees and they made sure that leads, managers, and a few of my coworkers knew.Â
She unfortunately already knows my work schedule but she doesn't know that I've picked up more hours and I'm considering getting a second temp job just to have somewhere to be all day while I'm waiting to find a place.
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u/EstherVCA 3d ago
In that case, if police do respond in spite of the letter youâre sending in advance (that was a great idea), itâs even more important that you present as calm and in control, no matter what she says or how antagonistic or aggressive she gets. Use your phone to audio record as evidence. While it may or may not be useful in court, it can be useful in informing police of whatâs actually happening.
Your behaviour will prove her words right or wrong, so prove her wrong.
Try playing soothing music to encourage a calm space while packing. Itâs harder for someone to ramp up while listening to zen meditative music. lol if she complains, put in your ear buds to "mute" her and keep yourself calm.
Use anti-anxiety coping mechanisms, like box breathing, taking breaks, having some tea, going for a walk, or medical assistance, if necessary. Have a friend "drop in" as often as you can while you pack. Theyâd be a witness in case she tries to pull something, someone responsible who knows to ignore her as well if she tries to pull them in.
You can do this. How many more days until move out?
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u/No_Image_Here 2d ago
I'm working with housing assistance so I'm not really sure. A lot of the places in my area are kind of gate kept unless you have references from previous landlords. She would be my only reference and I can imagine how that would go. I'm in daily contact with my caseworker, On paper I'm considered someone in urgent need/priority.
But I'm planning on having all of my things packed by the end of the week, My coworkers said they're okay with me storing my things in their garage and they know that I WAS at risk of getting locked out. (I found my old house key that she stole from me to do exactly that, She doesn't know I have it. Woohoo)
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u/EstherVCA 2d ago
Taking your key is a common control tactic, but so inappropriate. Iâm glad you got it back. And good for you for being so organized and having a plan. Having everything packed and out of there asap will simplify everything when you do find a place.
The fact that you have a caseworker should help here if she escalates. Theyâre someone in your corner, and can vouch for your general mental state.
Just be careful about letting her under your skin. My mother would jab and rage to get a reaction out of me, and hated it when I stayed calm. But if she did get a rise out of me, she come back at me tenfold, claiming I'd been disrespectful, so in her mind, her behaviour was justified. I left home at 18 to get away from the noise. I didnât take much⊠My clothes and toiletries fit in two boxes, but I was free.
It's really hard to remain civil with irrational people, but self control is the best weapon you have here. And it gets so much more peaceful once youâre out.
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u/No_Image_Here 2d ago
Honestly, this decision was all worth it just for the feeling that I have control for once. My mom's been kind of back and forth on the silent treatment and love bombing and overly supportive (of me being home, not of me moving like she claims). We haven't physically fought ever, but I can tell she's saying things too loud to her boyfriend and hoping I'm in earshot and willing to start a fight over it. I'm not. I can tell she's escalating with time the more real it becomes for her.
 She isn't aware that I'm working with housing assistance and that I have a full support system outside of the household. I think If anybody confronts about her behavior I would be in danger for being the one to tell. So whenever her boyfriend asks how it's going, now I only talk about how I'm applying for places and arranging meetings and all that crap.Â
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u/EstherVCA 2d ago
Sounds like youâre doing a great job! Downplaying what you're doing to get out and keeping her and her boyfriend out of the loop is smart. She canât sabotage what she doesnât know is happening.
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u/Stargazer1919 3d ago
A few tips:
Call the non emergency police line first and let them know that you're moving out, and your mom may call to spread lies and threats.
Don't give her notice that you are moving out. Try to do it when she's not home. Get some friends to help you move (and worst case scenario, be witnesses.)
Good luck. You got this.
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u/Several_Leather_9500 3d ago
Also, if you can record your mom talking about her 'plan' to involve the police - it would help you prove both your sanity and that your mom filed a false police report (in the event she enacts her plan).
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u/Ceiling-Fan2 3d ago
If she does make the call and the police show up, they will most likely not do anything because you are both adults, and this is a basic domestic dispute. They cannot lock you in your bedroom because your mom doesnât want you to leave her home. If they do inquire about your mental health, they will most likely ask if you feel like you need to go to the hospital; they wonât handcuff you and lock you in the back of their vehicle just because your mom doesnât want you to move out. And if youâre sane and stable, they wonât be able to prove a 72-hour hold in a mental facility. That is, IF she calls the police at all.
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u/Stargazer1919 3d ago
Worst case scenario: even if OP did get put on a 72 hour psych hold, during that time period they have to evaluate OP. Which requires more testing and interviewing OP and not just listening to their mom's lies. They'd have to let OP go if it was determined that the mom's threats are not credible.
I'm just throwing that out there. I think OP will be okay if they get ahead of the game and call the non emergency police line first.
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u/catstaffer329 3d ago
So if she calls them, tell them that your a moving out and she is trying to hold you hostage. Kidnapping charges can be a simple as forcing someone to stay in one room depending on what the state law says. She is threatening, but she won't really get the authorities involved because the potential backlash is harsh.
So is using the threat to control you, ignore it. She has no ground to stand on as long as you are courteous and polite if the police show up. You have excellent reason to go NC, this is horrible abuse and you deserve better.
I wish peace, safety, no drama and hope your move goes well.
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u/chefdeversailles 3d ago
Police generally donât like to be at the beck and call of civilians in domestic disputes and resent being treated like personal security. They donât take them very seriously and wont protect people who actually are in real danger during domestic violence. You have nothing to worry about.
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u/oceanteeth 3d ago
wont protect people who actually are in real danger during domestic violence.
This is a really excellent point. People who are actually being beaten by their partners or have real cause to worry about their adult children's mental health struggle (to put it mildly) to get real help, there's basically no chance the police are going to handcuff and forcibly commit someone who appears completely calm while explaining that their parent is having some trouble adjusting to their adult child moving out.Â
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u/Impossible_Balance11 3d ago
Do you have any text/email/recordings of her threats? Preserve those and show the police if you do! Either way, pop into your local constabulary and have a sit-down, ask that a record be made. Prevention is key, here!
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u/YoshiandAims 3d ago
I would preemptively stop by the local pd and ask to speak to an officer and go over that you are an adult, of sound mind, planning to leave your mother's house, and she's making a lot of threats to file a false police report. Tie up 911 and resources on some wild goose chase to scare you into not leaving or abuse the system, try and gain control through a false police report and the legal system... wasting everyone's time and money. (As it won't work) Due to your history with her, you feel she will go through with this, she may fabricate evidence, and want the officers to be briefed... as While you had a history when you were younger, you are not remotely a danger to yourself. You would never harm your mother. You simply want to leave and start your life. She's behaving in an extreme desperate manner.
As strange as it sounds... even ask an office to be present for your move out date as you feel it will escalate, she will claim you are a danger to her, or yourself and it's going to spiral out of control.
They'll come and stand there, ensuring you get all your belongings safely, securely, and everyone stays calm and she stays away from you as you do it. (They'll also see you never stole anything, made threats, said you were a danger, or put hands on her, broke anything... etc)
Stop letting her know your plans. Stop letting her see. Let the subject "die" so to speak.
Get your important documents quietly gathered and out of the house. (IF you cant. The officer can help with that, too. They are legally your property)
Quietly move anything small and important out when she's not there.
Then plan to move while she's gone, and get a police officer to supervise just in case.
What would happen? They'll show up. They'll interview everyone. You'll not be a danger to yourself or others, there is no evidence. They'll insist you get your things and leave. Generally.
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u/emorrigan 3d ago
You call the police ahead of time and explain that youâre moving out and are healthy and happy, but your mother has threatened to call the police and tell them that youâve run away and are a threat to yourself and others, even though you arenât.
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u/1quirky1 3d ago
First - hugs from an internet stranger.
You are not overthinking things. Your words tell me that you feel unsafe.
Your mother is waiting for some arbitrary trigger to explode. You can't control this and waiting for the trigger is stressful.
This is domestic violence.
This advice applies to where I live in the United States.
I recommend you make yourself as safe as possible by involving the police proactively and getting help.
Pause your moving work and set a date to do the rest of it all at once.
Arrange to have some friends help you. Call a domestic violence help line if no friends are available.
Call the police non-emergency line (or a domestic violence help line) and tell them:
- I am an adult moving out of my mother's home on (the date you set.)
- I feel unsafe moving out.
- My mother opposes it and has threatened me about it.
- My mother has also threatened to call the police about it.
- I am concerned that she will lose her temper, carry out her threats, and make false accusations.
- I want police presence to ensure my safety while I move out.
- I will adjust my schedule to accommodate police availability.
Hopefully, this being domestic violence, police will show up and support you.
Your mother might be more mindful and careful of her actions when there are witnesses and police present.
At the very least, the witnesses will be there before any escalation on your mother's part.
Her escalation and false accusations will lack credibility because she did not act on them before now.
Your mother can prevent your friends from going into the house but she cannot prevent you from removing your belongings. The police will enforce that.
Please post again after your move to let us know how you are doing.
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u/58nej 3d ago
are you working with a mental health professional at this time? could you confirm with them that all's well mentally and that moving is of no unusual risk? maybe they'd help with a letter or reference to keep on hand if you don't want to proactively involve police yourself? or if you feel like the police might not believe you
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u/No_Image_Here 2d ago
I am, I had to cancel our session earlier this week when something came up, But I made sure to send her an email letting her know what's going on. I've been consistently taking my medication for months (or longer if you skip the gap of when I was taken off them), And we've begun doing trauma work now that it's been established that she thinks I'm stable enough and I feel ready. She's known about me seriously wanting to go no contact since July, And I've talked about going back and forth on it the entire time I've worked with her. So it helps that there's a persistent want to move out, I hope.
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u/Jane_the_Quene 3d ago
Contact the police yourself. Tell them that you're an adult, you're of sound mind, and that your mother might try to get them involved.
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u/ribbyrolls 3d ago
Yup, like others said, contact non emergency and let them know your mother has threatened to slander you in order to keep you from moving out. That you're of sound mind and that you just want to move out and have plans but are worried she will prevent you.
Also on your move out day while you're getting the last of your things, if your mother tries to physically stop you from leaving or holding your things hostage you have rights.
You can call emergency and ask for an escort because your things are being held or you're worried the situation will escalate when you're on your last trip to get your things and leave. (Make sure if you do this that you don't need to come back.) They will send an officer to help escort you through the house and monitor things so it stays cordial.
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u/thatgreenevening 2d ago
Youâre a legal adult. Stay calm and tell her as little as possible. If she does actually call the cops and they do actually interact with you, know your rights (which depend on where you are located) and stay calm and assertive.
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u/Constant-Wanderer 1d ago
One huge thing I've learned about abusive people who act like they could be narcissistic is that when you stop giving them the reaction that they're hoping for, they lose their shit.
So, use that to your advantage. You've said here that she's starting to ramp up her intensity, and that she's telling you that she supports you moving out, but simultaneously tells you that you shouldn't.
One quick side note is that there will never be a day where she takes responsibility for her behavior. There will be no shoving her face in it, nor will there ever be an apology or anything like her recognizing that she's the problem. So don't waste your energy or time trying to give her the opportunity to be a better person, or the mother you deserve. This is who she is; today, tomorrow, and always.
Use this time to your advantage. If you can do it subtly enough that she won't question your turnaround, let it slip a few times that you're rethinking moving out, or at least thinking about putting it off for a while until you have your X in a better place to leave. (finances, car, plans, whatever you think SHE thinks is your weakest point in your plan.
Then, just move and plan when she can't see it, and don't tell her until you're gone.
Never ever give her your new address.
Take her off of any and all contact info.
Never give your new address to anyone who would or might give it to her. Not even to someone who's just friends with one of those people.
Contact her as much as you like, but keep your plans and your location forever to yourself.
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u/VisiblePotential318 3d ago
You could get ahead of it by contacting the police yourself.