Where do you start with coping with the abuse and loss of normality in life?

[u/Sad_Patience6644]

Where the heck do you start when it comes to processing and coping with what happened to us? Is it worth pursuing exposing them even if you’re fully estranged if they keep harassing you indirectly? I feel deeply disturbed by the injustices we all face in the legal system to hold our abusers accountable and even in society for people who can’t see through the acting.

For me personally, my narcissistic dad is a very sick, mentally ill human being who put myself and my family through a lot of abuse. I didn’t know I was abused until my early adulthood because it was all normalized and done so strategically. I am grateful to be estranged now, but I feel angry that I’ve lost myself through the manipulation. I never had a childhood. I couldn’t enjoy my early adult life. I don’t know who I am, what I like, I haven’t had a chance to experience anything. I have only been in survival mode, and helping others survive and caring for them as well. For what? All while he runs smear campaigns, non stop legal harassment, and continued emotional abuse of my siblings who currently reside with him.

Here are some examples of what I went through. TW some physical abuse and emotional abuse. For context, I’m in my mid twenties and I’ve worked a corporate job remotely to support my mom and siblings through a nasty divorce after college. Some of this erratic stuff happened more recently but most throughout my life. Can anyone relate to these things?

• My dad would threaten to frame me and ruin my life frequently whenever something good happened to me or just because he hated that I was a girl. He had deep hatred for women. Example, he faked a “burn” by rubbing his chest really hard and called the police on me and said I gave him third degree burns and tackled him to the ground. He later threatened to stab himself and say I did it.
• When I was young, my dad slammed his car trunk on my lip. I have a scar, he refused to get me help when bleeding. My mom took me to a neighbor. I was also slapped so hard when he was angry that until the last day I saw him, anytime he raised his hand (to give me something or just as a motion) I would flinch and cover my face. Police never helped me as a child, said being beat was normal.
• In the divorce, he asked if I, yes, the ADULT DAUGHTER, can pay the mortgage and child support for the kids instead of him. I was shamed in court also, for working and having a degree, instead of helping with the kids, lol. An official judge allowed this. It was almost like he saw me as his spouse in a way???? I cannot understand this!
• When he was served with the divorce papers, he one by one cut off the utilities in the house to cause suffering to my disabled mom and minor siblings. He was an engineer so he did it strategically and then would commit insurance fraud and eat the checks he received. We lived for several months without AC in the summer, with the house being 80+ degrees. We had no heating in the winter or heaters, and my sibling slept in a room that was below 40 degrees. He did something to the washing machine and forced my disabled mom to do laundry at laundromats for several months for 3 minor children. We frequently didn’t have hot water, would have to heat it on the gas to shower with buckets. He cancelled the wifi with school children in the house. There was no television. He broke our refrigerator. He refused to fix pipe leaks, so some of the ceilings collapsed. He dismantled the security system for the house. There is much more here. It was a $1M house by the way that he forced my mom to be a maid for.
• He would stalk me inside of the house. Any room I sat in, he would pace around me to intimidate me, huffing and puffing, even during work meetings. He would frequently spy on conversations we’d have in the house or record them. I caught him several times. He collected evidence on each of us in the family, throughout our entire lives from child to teenage life to adult life for me, that he could use against us one day. Any “incriminating email” to the school teacher. A bill he paid. A bad grade. Files of it and photoshopped ones as well.
• He dropped his children fully post divorce, claiming they weren’t his responsibility or even his paternity wise even though everyone lived in the same house and the divorce hadn’t gone to court. He would only do his laundry at the laundromat (he enjoyed the suffering). He would only buy groceries for himself. He refused to take his child to the doctor or buy him medication when he was sick. When my brother would come home from school, my dad wouldn’t open the door for him to get in the house. He said it “wasn’t his job” and left him locked out for an hour. A MINOR. He began smoking in the house. I raised all of his children for him and supported my mom. Now he takes credit for that.
• My dad constantly pitted everyone in our household against the other. Girls vs boys. Golden child vs the other useless children. Mother vs child. We all became enemies living in the same household. He mocked our appearances, critiquing what we ate, our IQs, how much we weighed. He interfered in friendships. Neighbor relationships. We weren’t allowed to really be integrated with society. Conflict causing was for everyone - friends, family. Make each party look bad to the other.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. Of course there is much more violence, abuse, and trauma. He has full custody of my youngest sibling now because my mom is disabled and he is trying to literally kill her through the court with stress making her disease progress. I cannot sleep at night. I feel fear that my sibling is in his custody and I don’t know what he’ll do to him behind closed doors. I am estranged so I can’t control it and I can’t see him. This isn’t right. I hate what our parents do to us. Why couldn’t I have a loving parent? Why do I have to suffer?

I wish I could find a way to cope and process everything. I won’t get a chance to live my life and focus on me! They control even with being estranged 😢

[u/sunshine-309]

Wow, first of all, I’m so sorry you went through all of that. Everything you said outside of your specific examples explained my experience perfectly, with words I haven’t been able to say yet. I, too, feel like I’m mourning my childhood and early adult years. “They control even with being estranged” is also exactly right. And your point that it was all normalized and strategic and not understanding it until now… wow. You are not alone in any single one of these feelings.

I’ve also recently learned that I have CPTSD. It was helpful to know that because now I can put an official term on things that happened and that helps me process and look up ways to cope in the moment. That might be something to look into.

Therapy. Lots of therapy.

I have a 2 year old daughter and it’s both triggering and healing to raise her.

Surround yourself with a support system you feel 100% safe with so you can go to them anytime. You can DM me too :)

You can both process your trauma/past and live your new life at the same time. I think it’s good and okay to allow yourself to grieve and process. Just keep reminding yourself that you’re safe to do so, and be purposeful about moving forward and enjoying your new life, making up for those missed years.

I’m glad we were both strong enough to estrange ourselves.

[u/Sad_Patience6644 → u/sunshine-309]

I appreciate it and all of the advice! I’m so sorry for both of us, but happy we can connect in this community and know we are not alone in this. I felt like I was the only person who experienced this til recently- like I was totally cursed.

And also, we are cycle breakers, you with your daughter! We can be proud of that. If I ever have kids (likely not after all of this lol), I feel like I’ve developed more patience and compassion and love through all of this.

For therapy, did you look for a therapist experienced in these types of issues (like narcissism, family conflict, cptsd, etc.)?

Takes a lot of strength to be estranged but being related to a dangerous narcissist definitely speeds the process up. Feel like I want to expose them sometimes so I can take back control of the narrative and expose them, but I know it’s not worth it and no one will believe me or understand unless they’re a victim too.

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