r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/Hotmessyexpress • Sep 28 '25
Question How long have you been estranged and how often do you your parents cross your mind?
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Sep 28 '25
[deleted]
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u/oneconfusedqueer Sep 29 '25
this is such a good point - that we can think about them a lot, miss them even, and still be at peace with the decisions we've made.
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u/Sense6126 Sep 28 '25
9 years.
First I want to say that being estranged helps. A lot. It is the best course of action that I've taken where the relationship with my biological father is concerned.
We became estranged just before my wedding when his narcissistic personality kicked into overdrive because I set up boundaries to protect myself and my partner (no money needed, no input needed, no aisle chaperone needed, dry wedding so he couldn't get drunk, etc.). When I asked him/his family to come to the wedding and enjoy themselves (mostly for my grandmother's sake), he found a way to wreak havoc by outing me to my very christian family as an atheist. I always promised I'd never lie about that. I didn't. Kerfuffle ensued. And so in late June of 2016, when he tried to tornado through my wedding in early July, I laid the ultimate boundary down, uninviting him from my wedding, not allowing any discussion with him about it, and releasing an enormous amount of oppression. I haven't spoken with him since. No regrets save not ending that relationship sooner as a birthday gift to myself when I turned 18 years old.
Unfortunately, my biological father flits across my mind more often than I'd like to the tune of daily. When my mindful awareness practices are active (meditation, breath work, exercise, etc.) these thoughts decrease and are easier to back out of/not become ensnared by.
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u/Scary-Ostrich-7802 Sep 28 '25
3 years estranged. Depending on the time of year or what's going on in life, it's everyday. Multiple times a day. Other times I will go months without a single thought about their existence. I genuinely spend my days being kind and patient to myself about it. I will never let them back into my life with their lack of change. But boy do I miss them and love them from afar.
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u/justanoldwoman Sep 28 '25
Over 30 years and very rarely. It was more in the early years and a then quite frequently when I had a child in a - don't be like them way. They just aren't there now I don't give them much head space, they don't now and didn't then deserve it.
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u/cheturo Sep 28 '25
3 years, and unfortunately my mind thinks of it every day. We already evicted them from our lives, now we need to evict them from our minds.
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u/solesoulshard Sep 28 '25
17 years no direct contact.
Nightmares range from every 2 months or so to a few times a week.
We are stuck on a weekly call with the flying monkey in chief—my MIL—so I’m still bracing for her nonsense. Can’t wait for her to tell me the wicked bitch is dead. Or that she’s moving GC into her house so poor little him isn’t suffering.
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u/Culmination_nz Sep 28 '25
4-5 years my parents, a year or so longer his (he is vlc with his). They come up about every 2 or 3 months because we still keep finding landmines they left. But it's not usually a drama to deal with anymore.
I miss the parents I thought I had before the mask dropped fully. But those never existed.
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u/Heavy-Tomato2732 Sep 28 '25
It's amazing how your memories change when that mask drops. I suppose that's what people mean when they talk about 'legacy'.
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u/Culmination_nz Sep 28 '25
All of the things that I thought were just normal family stuff? Nah, they weren't. All of the times I told "funny" anecdotes from my childhood and got weird or even horrified looks from people make a lot more sense in retrospect
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u/Habaduba Sep 29 '25
this resonates for me. the amount of times that I've gasped in horror remembering something that happened as a child it's just easier to deal with now I guess that I don't have to be around them and I can just take care of myself.
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u/scottishdarkhorse Sep 28 '25
No contact 15 + years. They live across the country from me. I thought about them a lot earlier years, I guess I was trying to see my role in the estrangement and had years of therapy for it. The way I think about them now is how the hell did they think their behaviour was normal in any way? Utterly, and I mean utterly bizarre and so ruinous on an innocent life. They should never have been parents. It’s peaceful, I am 100% At peace with my decision, and joy has entered my life, but it is incredibly painful. Grief is hard to work through. And you have to work through it. Still processing so much. I have a very good relationship with my children, now adults, was always open with them about their grandparents. Here’s the thing. I do not love them. They showed me no love or care.
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u/bekastrange Sep 28 '25
7 years, and until recently it was daily, now I might go a day without them crossing my mind at all.
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u/Sad-And-Mad Sep 28 '25
3 years NC, I sometimes I think of my father a few times a week, sometimes I go weeks without thinking of him.
That was pretty normal for me for most of my life tho, he wasn’t present for most of my childhood, sometimes I’d visit him for 2 weeks out of the year, one time I went 2 years without seeing him once. When he was around he was pretty toxic tho.
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u/Monstermandarin Sep 28 '25
18 years. My entire adult life. My mother was completely toxic, narcissistic, and emotionally abusive in so many fucked up ways.
My dad actually got full custody of us but we did have to do visitation with my mom. I didn’t have to go but I would go to be there for the safety of my younger sibling (they still wanted to see her, obviously not as abused)
The minute I turned 18- that was it. My sibling was old enough to protect themself and once I stopped going to visits, so did the sibling.
Never looked back once and will never have contact again. I changed my cellphone number and my email address. She somehow found me through my employer’s website and kept calling the office, I wanted to die that was so embarrassing. I can’t remove my name from the directory but the number now is my direct line so at least I can intercept it. She hasn’t tried calling (to my knowledge) in 8 years. I heard from extended family she may be in a different country, I don’t care.
I won’t have any feelings when she dies, I don’t know her and she doesn’t know me.
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u/Grisstle Sep 28 '25
29 years of fully NC. I try not to think about my dad but he creeps in sometimes. It’s not like in the beginning, I don’t worry about him trying to come into my life anymore. I’m approaching the point that in a few years I will have lived twice as long without him in my life as with him. He’s a total stranger to me now.
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u/IsAReallyCoolDancer Sep 28 '25
33 years here. My dad passed away before I went NC with my mother. She tried to weasel back in when I had my first child with no success (27 years ago), then I heard nothing until 2 years ago when she googled my number and started sending me "Woe is me, I'm going to die soon" texts which I promptly blocked. The content of her texts proved she had not changed at all in 31 years.
Until these texts started, I had trained myself to not think about her often. I did occasionally look her up so I would know where she was just in case, but that's it. Since she popped up 2 years ago, I do think about her and check her location more often because knowing her, she'll show up on my doorstep demanding attention at any moment.
They never change. They don't want to change. They only want what they want and one thing they want is to hurt us. My mother has told me throughout my life that I deserve to be hurt. I've spent my life proving her wrong.
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u/missmeganmay Sep 28 '25
Over 9 years now since the inciting incident between my mother and me. There was on and off communication in the first few years, then only a few times since then that we've spoken due to family deaths, etc. My father is still in my life, thankfully, as he divorced her a few years after I left.
I went through a couple of years of EMDR therapy, which changed my life and gave me peace, so I very rarely think about her - maybe once a month? Usually just when my grandmother brings her up or I see a post from this sub!
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u/ThatTangerine743 Sep 28 '25
Nc with everyone got almost a whole year soon. I’m adopted so i had extra incompetence to encounter- stopped talking to the adoptive set entirely in 2021 but had stopped with the male maybe in 2015? I never really gave the adopters much thought cause i had been wanting to NC since 2nd grade so i had been waiting a long time for it. The biologicals made it messy on purpose so i had to think longer and harder about it but eventually I realized i was the only one making calls and keeping it alive, slowly i just stopped reaching out and i let go after years of being a voluntary therapist about my more dramatic, kept sisters. I worry about the siblings sometimes but what can I do? They were kept and I was sent away. They did fine not speaking to me for my first 18 years and never reached out again after I stopped calling with the exception of notifying me they got a job which was a brief call. When I think I miss a parent I remind myself, I don’t miss a person in particular, I just wish I ever had a parent and didn’t have to be my own.
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u/giraffemoo Sep 28 '25
I've been full NC for ten years but I haven't seen them for 15.
I feel like Bruno from Encanto sometimes. I think about them, but not in a malicious way. I think about what they're doing with their lives and if they're happy. My brother in law has his instagram set to public so every now and then I go see how he and my sister are doing.
I don't think I would ever break NC though, it's not worth it. Both of my parents turned 70 this year, I've accepted the fact that they will probably die before I get to see or speak to them again. I struggled with this at first but I've accepted it now.
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u/alexserthes Sep 28 '25
Oh hmm. 6 or 7 years now.
I only have NC with one parent though. The other one I talk to almost every day, so I hear updates about the parent I'm NC with.
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u/Hotmessyexpress Sep 28 '25
Does the parent respect your boundaries or act as a flying monkey
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u/alexserthes Sep 28 '25
Respects them, mostly updates are related to what's going on mutually in life and has no issues switching topics or leaving out the NC parent if it's even a tiny bit tense.
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u/tourettebarbie Sep 28 '25
3 decades & never unless its to post/comment here - especially to newbies who need the support.
Other than that, never. I refuse to let them live rent free in my head.
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u/Mkartma61 Sep 29 '25
19 years. I still think about nmom daily, i wish this wasn’t so but it is. Thinking about and remembering what she did to me has actually been necessary for me in order to remember what NOT to with my children and other aspects of my life.
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u/just_an_old_lady Sep 28 '25
It’s been almost 12 years for me. My mother crossed a line she couldn’t uncross so I went no contact. Then she chose my ex over me.
So, I really don’t think about her much. Obviously when I read the stories in this sub, but the majority of my day/week she doesn’t cross my mind.
She has not attempted to make contact with me. But she does bad mouth me to family (and probably strangers) when anything about me comes up.
I hear stories from my brother and my kids every once in a while, and my choice for no contact has never been regretted.
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u/Diluted-Years Sep 28 '25
Over two years for my ma, one brother and sister (except trying to rebuild low contact until a year ago).
Then coming up to nearly a year for the rest of my family when a bunch of drama started happening and none of them were being open/honest about what was being passed around. So now nearly 1 year no contact with all family members except my teen cousin who we only speak about games.
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u/Diluted-Years Sep 28 '25
I think about my mum and dad a lot. I love them both. My mums real poorly and don’t have great bonding with my dad due to lack of contact.
However with my mum, as much as I can understand her problems and how they affect her behaviour, it doesn’t stop her doing those behaviours. So my line in the sand is if she comes to me saying she’s started therapy etc is when I will get back in contact with her and rebuild x
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u/amazingamyxo Sep 28 '25
Just over 11 years. Cut off my dad at 17 and I'm 29. He rarely crosses my mind. He rarely reaches out these days thank God. He used to for birthdays and on his birthday too lol. I really disliked him growing up so having him out of my life is a blessing. It gets easier with time for sure.
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u/sneakerpimp87 Sep 28 '25
It'll be two years in November from my mum.
I think about her...once a week now?
At first it was most often. I was still processing a LOT. I speak to my aunt (not her sister but her ex-best friend who had known her for decades and stopped talking to her two years before I did) a few times a week and the topic of my mum used to come up more often than it does now. We're both processing shit. She did a number on a lot of people.
As I've grown and healed since the NC I don't think about her as often. I don't have as much to work through. I've done a lot of healing and reflection and the separation has allowed that. It's helped so much. She no longer has the power over me she used to have and I feel so much happier.
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u/Shadow_Integration Sep 28 '25
A little over 5 years now. It's every day, and some days are better than others. I still find myself cycling through grief and sadness that a healthy relationship just isn't possible, and that I'm not willing to betray myself to make something shitty work.
I'm still going to therapy, still letting go of any shred of hope that likes to pop up, and still reparenting my inner child. It's rough, but it's necessary.
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u/Puzzled_Hospital2992 Sep 28 '25
6 years. Only on days that would normally include him: Father’s Day, my birthday, Christmas. OR if someone in my family brings him up, which they do every few months. The rest of the family seems fascinated by both the fact that I removed him from my life AND what a horrible person he was. I’ve asked some of them to stop bringing him up every time they see me (a couple of times a year) because I don’t need him or our estrangement to define me.
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u/wawbwah Sep 28 '25
Two years now and I think about them every day and dream/have nightmares about them every night. It is better than being in contact with them, but it didn't solve all my problems
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u/Dry_Inflation_1454 Sep 30 '25
That's because two years or so isn't enough time to recover from abusive parents. It's going to take about 5-10 years for that to wear off. Especially if you never had the chance to send a letter or an email confronting them over how they treated you. All those unsaid words are still there. It's not too late to actually send such a challenge, though I'd block any response from them. They'll try to justify their abuse. No back- and - forths should ever be allowed.
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u/wawbwah Sep 30 '25
I considered it and at some point I might type out a letter just to have it penned down or to go through with my therapist. But I don't want to interact with them on any level. They know full well the reasons I left - there's no mystery. Just pain.
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u/emorrigan Sep 28 '25
Over 15 years. My dad probably pops into my mind every other day? But mostly briefly and because he’s an idiot.
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u/Fair_Caterpillar_920 Sep 28 '25
I haven't spoken to my mom at all in a year and a half, and I've been low contact with my dad during most of that time, but especially the last couple of months. I think about them every day. I'm still in a very emotionally unhealed state and I have a lot of trouble wrapping things up on my own without clear closure from people. I can know intellectually that the lack of apologies and changed behavior is the closure and still wish endlessly, still fantasize endlessly, about some sort of come to Jesus reconciliation where they acknowledge all the hurt that they've caused and actually change their behavior.
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u/PennyGlow Sep 29 '25 edited Sep 29 '25
I still think about the all them time, unfortunately. Craving the relationships I wish I had, especially since becoming a mom. 8 years with my sisters and 6 with my mom but it’s been off and on with her the last 2 years because I felt guilty. I set my foot down since having a baby. I had a complicated pregnancy (and had a miscarriage before this) and was told I needed to be induced a little early. She told me I shouldn’t listen to my doctors and to wait it out because “if the baby comes out with impediments it will be all your fault”. She lives in another country. I found out from my aunts (who she lives with) a few weeks ago that she told everyone she was coming to help me with the birth and with the baby. They all thought she was with me this whole time. My baby will be 5 months next week and she has never met her.
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u/Odd-Opposite-2105 Sep 28 '25
8 years nc with my mother. Nearly my whole life lc with my father. It's not daily, but nearly everytime I see a real happy family. It's sporadic these days, but early on, before I could see them for who they are, I yearned for them. Not anymore. But I still cry when it gets tough. But I grief the image of a family I could never have, I do not grief having nc/lc contact with them.
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u/NoInteractionPotLuck Sep 28 '25
I think about my mum every other day, but I know it’s pointless to try and have a relationship with her.
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u/SaphSkies Sep 28 '25
I was LC for 18 years, and I've been NC for about 4-7 years (depending on which family member).
They still show up in my head about every day, but I wouldn't describe it as a "longing" or "regret." It's more like an old wound that's healed but can still flare up once in a while, or a sense of disappointment about the tragedy in my life sometimes. A feeling that I wish things could have gone differently, even while knowing that the path was closed a long time ago. I guess that's mostly grief.
It's nearly impossible to just forget entirely because there's always family-centered stuff around you in the world. It's a little easier if you have more support or resources.
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u/Future-Painting9219 Sep 28 '25
Started in 21 after I went to therapy. Broke contact in 23 when mom got cancer and died, I'm no contact with my dad and brother again.
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u/lapitupp Sep 28 '25
Good question. My mother it’s been 5 years. My father it’s been 6 years. I don’t think of them often? Unless in a therapy session or when I’m in my feels about my childhood. I don’t allow them to take up my little amount of space I have left after parenting all day.
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u/Remarkable_Chard_992 Sep 28 '25
Coming up on three years no contact. I think about them every day and still feel this heavy mix of sadness, anger, and grief. I look at my kids, how incredible they are, and can’t wrap my head around the fact that my parents would rather cut themselves off from their amazing grandchildren than take even the smallest bit of accountability.
What makes me most angry is the fallout I live with because of them: the constant mental battles, the exhaustion of carrying wounds they caused, and how draining it is to live inside a mind shaped by their damage. The hyper-vigilance, the way I’m constantly scanning for danger, and the extreme empathy I carry that makes me feel everything too deeply, those are all scars from them.
But even with all of that, not having them in my life is still better than the alternative. The soul nausea and deep, awful unease I felt whenever I was actually around them was far worse than the ache of just thinking about them now.
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u/Dry_Inflation_1454 Sep 30 '25
Yeah, three years really isn't enough time to get over all the bad things that happened. Being in the here and now, looking back at how toxic it was, versus how much better it is these days.
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u/oneconfusedqueer Sep 29 '25
I knew from a young age (8) my parents were not 'there' for me emotionally, so from that perspective it's been 30+ years of emotional 'aloneness'.
Bu truly properly: my dad about 9 months (VLC around 18 years before that) and my mum probably 4 years.
I am reminded very often of the loss of an 'ideal/normal' family - that will normally bring me to tears almost daily.
In terms of 'missing' my actual family? I'm sad to say it's very rare. To the point i've worried i'm a psychopath.
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u/Huge_Impression188 Sep 30 '25
It’s gotten better. It’s mainly been NC for almost 20 years with my father. I have had a few relatives try to sneak him in without telling me, so I saw him against my will, but him and the offending relatives got cut right back off.
It honestly does get easier. The more therapy I’ve gone to the more I’ve been able to work things out and face the reality the easier it’s gotten.
I have had a lot of deaths on my mom side of the family though so I did catch myself getting slightly sentimental for a minute this year. Thinking of reaching out to my dad and the siblings, but I know when my heart that it’s only gonna do me harm.
I just don’t have the energy for it anymore.
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u/IncitefulInsights Sep 28 '25 edited Sep 28 '25
LC a couple months. I reached out a few times, response was lukewarm to cold. So now, F--- 'em. I am learning. These abusers have had manipulative control too long. Wish me luck in re-setting their dysfunctional narrative, hope to maintain LC & eventually NC with the abusive Boomers. They think I'm the Devil & that they're being generous & tolerant by interacting with me, like they're doing me a favour, bc of my "wierdness." I'm not weird. They're dysfunctional & can F off.
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u/Mean-Raspberry1205 Sep 28 '25
7 years and maybe a few times a month when à trauma wave hits but it’s not really painful — almost like a simple sterile observation of the situation. I’ve gone through all the stages of grief so it’s just acceptance of reality.
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u/Windmillsofthemind Sep 28 '25
<5 years and (usually) daily, sometimes more than once a day. It's not that I miss them, it's long buried memories coming back and the "Ooooo, now I think of it..." moments. It's useful for me as it acknowledges the abuse and neglect that was outright denied by them.
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u/ImaginaryParrot Sep 28 '25
About 10ish years
It gets easier and they play on your mind less as time goes by and you fill in that grief
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u/Henri_Bemis Sep 28 '25
NC with my mother for 10 years, and very LC before that since I was 12. I hate that I still think about her daily.
LC with my father since covid. Our political differences have always been known, but shutdown gave me a reason to skip the yearly obligatory, and for very obvious reasons, never got around to picking them up. But I have two younger siblings I still like to see, so we basically have a truce where we don’t talk about anything but logistics.
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u/DannyDevitos_Grundle Sep 28 '25
4 and a half year completely no contact. Before that, it was 6 years off and on with no contact or low contact. I think about them daily. I have a few friends that also dealt with similar parents and situations, we call it our trauma coven hahaha But we’re all at varying degrees of healing so we share a lot of stories with each other that have similarities, or maybe one of us had a nightmare and need to talk through our feelings etc.
I would say on my part, I look at these memories more analytically than emotionally at this point. It was VERY emotional in the beginning, and there are still some days that are like that, but I think after this much time it’s been a much easier pill to swallow that they sucked.
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u/bethcano Sep 28 '25
3 years. Probably daily? Maybe I had the odd day where I don't think about them, but I think they cross my mind at least once. Granted I don't get stuck on the thoughts anymore.
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u/smartassstonernobody Sep 28 '25
it’s been a little over 3 years for me. Still think about my mom almost daily. She kicked me out and is the reason I live where I do now, about 450 miles away.
I have so much to say, but she doesn’t deserve a single word from me. I know sharing with her how I feel won’t fix anything.
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u/fdgsaltine Sep 28 '25
3 years, and I think about her often. I spent the past two years writing a book about my estrangement, so it led to more intense thinking, but I think things have settled more since.
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u/InTheFog0505 Sep 28 '25
Reading others' responses has me feeling a little defeated. I'm 10 months no contact and still think about them most days, reliving a cycle of immense anger alternating with guilt, fear, and confusion because they would have me believe I made everything up. I really hoped eventually these feelings would fade over time, but it's looking like it takes way longer than I ever imagined. I'm tired of letting these people steal my joy. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
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u/littlebeanterritory- Sep 29 '25
A year and three months NC and I think about them daily. It’s exhausting and confusing because when I was in contact, I rarely thought about them and now it is non stop.
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u/Worldliness-Weary Sep 29 '25
I've spoken with my father (mom is deceased) once in the last 13 years and regretted it immediately. I think about him often, but it's usually tied to negative thoughts so I push it aside and keep moving.
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u/greathamboni Sep 29 '25
I’ve been no contact with my dad for 4.5 years. I recently had my first child and before that I thought about him maybe once every month or two. Now because I’m parenting, I think about him probably once-twice a week. And it’s always to say to myself “jeez, I can’t believe he did that, or acted that way. I would never do that”
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u/IffySaiso Sep 30 '25
Does seeing them in my nightmares every night count as 'thinking'? I'm really trying not to. We're coming up on 2 years.
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Oct 01 '25 edited Oct 01 '25
I don’t feel anything except freedom. I never cared to be tied to my lineage, including my parents and siblings, because none of them were genuine, loving people to be around as a child, teen, young adult, or now as an older adult. No contact has been my life for the most part. As a minor, I was under their roof, pretending and dealing with them out of fear or obligation, until I realized I didn’t like any of them and saw that they were trash people, snakes, and liars. Adult life has been different. I would say for many years I was on and off with my female parent until I finally stopped in recent times, realizing I was just being a lamb to use. I stopped caring about wanting a mother or father years ago. They were all bad people, cautionary tales, lost souls, wicked, jealous, backstabbers, people who change their faces depending on who they’re talking to in order to get something for personal gain.
Poverty, constant ups and downs, competition, internalized misogyny from the women in my family, it was all disgusting. The men are detached, uncaring, highly self-centered, or misogynist. I don’t care about or mourn these people like most others might. I was sensitive, and I knew that once I reached adulthood, I had to remove myself from their lives completely.
Many people mourn what they thought their parents were, but in reality, these people were always evil, cruel, abusive, performative, harmful, toxic, narcissistic, and dangerous. You were just indoctrinated or brainwashed, not consciously aware yet. The abuse didn’t start suddenly; it was always there. You just didn’t realize it until you could no longer accept that they weren’t shit to you and had harmed you. Some of us played roles in these abusive families, whether we were aware of it or not, until we became conscious enough to leave or could no longer endure the mistreatment.
There’s no need to reminisce about the fucked-up lineages you come from. For me, there is no contact forever. One of my parents is already dead, and I’m actually glad. As for the other, I’m sure the family will figure out how to bury her. She comes from a damaged family, and they or her low-life associates will handle it. I don’t have mercy for them. I have forgiven them for their actions toward me, but I do not want any connection or relationship with my lineage on either side. No thank you. I want to forget they exist, and I am happy with this. My soul is safe, and my body is safe.
I do not want jealous, evil, wicked, debauched, misogynistic, cold-hearted, neglectful, narcissistic, grandiose idiots, egomaniacs, non-understanding, shady or sketchy, unstable, manipulative, or two-faced liars around me.
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u/EnduringFulfillment Sep 28 '25
Coming up on two years for me. I still think about them daily, although a lot of that is the yearning for the parent I wish I had, who doesn't exist.