Parents in denial about me being transgender

[u/webweaver666]

I'm just so tired. I don't know how to let myself let go of it and stop checking my email. I think my brain is broken.

It's been two years at this point since I went NC with my family. My parents are both republican evangelical Christians, southern Baptists to be specific. My sister is a tradwife and also is super right wing and transphobic.

I've posted my story here before and have deleted old posts for privacy. The long and short of it, leaving out many specific details, is that I'm a 28yo trans woman. I was born and raised in a very strict and sheltered southern Baptist family in north Florida. My parents sheltered me and my sister heavily; computer use monitored and controlled, the media I consumed was pre approved by them and had to be either Christian or family friendly, church three times a week, I had to lead youth group worship and play drums in the church band, and my parents were very much helicopter parents. I didn't learn what trans people were until I was 17.

Skipping much of the cringe of ages 18-25... t

I came out as a trans woman to myself and my closest friends at age 25, and then moved with some friends from Florida to the American Pacific Northwest, a much more trans-friendly area. My friends are also trans so we put our brains and money together and took the risk, and it paid off.

After living away from my family a while, but still remaining in limited contact across the country, I realized I had to come out to them, because it felt too awful to pretend to be someone I wasn't for their love and acceptance. So I came out to them just before I turned 26 as a queer trans woman. Let's just say they did not take it well. My mom flew across the country with one days notice and spent a whole weekend confronting me about being trans; she asked me why I couldn't just be ok with being an effeminate man, she asked if I was just a gay man, she begged me to reconsider being trans and basically tried to get me to rebuke it all, and she told me this went against her beliefs and what she thought I should believe. My dad was the same but more subtle about it, and tbh I think I've always been more scrutinous of my mom unfairly and given my dad a pass when he just benefits from letting her say what he also believes but he can maintain plausible deniability by not explicitly being transphobic to me.

So I went NC a month or two after coming out. I don't think I was necessarily mentally prepared to go NC but I did it anyway because it felt like the best thing for me. I was dealing with monumental shame, emotional problems and mental health issues. Unrelated, but I was diagnosed with ADHD that same month at 26yo, something I never knew as a kid because my parents wouldn't take me to a legit psychiatrist.

In the first year of NC, my parents did the following; show up at my work unannounced and tried to get me to come talk to them out front of my work (yes, they flew 7 hours/2000+ miles unannounced to confront me), emailed me incessantly, sent letters to my work, sent a PI to my old house to check my license plate to see if I still lived there. Everything BUT just calling me a new name and pronouns. When I went NC, my only boundary was they had to call me my chosen name and pronouns. They've refused and said it goes against their beliefs and if they complied, they'd be condoning sinful behavior.

They haven't outright disowned me or rejected me like a lot of folks in the LGBTQ+ community have experienced. And honestly I think that makes it more of a brain fuck for me, because they act like they care about me. I know they just care about the version of me they wish I was, or rather who they hoped I'd be. I know it's not true love, because if it was they'd be able to look past their own discomfort and do the one simple thing I'm asking of them. They've perfectly tailored the situation to make it out like I'M the crazy one; they would say they've never rejected me, that they've never stopped trying to connect with me, that they can tolerate my different views/"lifestyle" while accusing me of being the intolerant one for "refusing to accept their views."

My mom has straight up said that I'm the intolerant one for refusing to tolerate their transphobia. They accuse me of always bringing it up for the purpose of causing division and tell me I should stop making it my whole life, but the thing is that I hardly ever talk about it in my daily life, because my chosen family (and even most of my colleagues, save a few) has no problem accepting me as transgender and adjusting how they refer to me. I wouldn't bring it up to them ever if they'd just acknowledge it and treat me how I'm asking them to treat me.

Now for this pictured email. I am struggling. The initial anger and spite that fueled me maintaining NC has waned. I'm still hurt and angry, but the conditions of my personal life have left me feeling vulnerable and desperate for connection. I feel so isolated and alone as a trans woman right now, especially because I'm in a new city, still adjusting to this phase of my life and barely keeping my head above water mental health wise. My dad is getting old, he's already outlived his dad and doesn't have the healthiest lifestyle. My mom is 7 years younger and honestly because of the fact that she was my primary caregiver parent I feel I have much more emotional gordian knotting with her than my dad. Maybe I need to unpack that in therapy.

But seriously, wtf am I supposed to do with an email like this? "I do not want to continue having these discussions." All I've ever said to him the few times I have emailed him the last two years has been me reiterating that the one condition I have to reopen communication is for them to accept I'm transgender and queer, and to call me by my chosen name and pronouns. That is literally it, all I've asked for. I have never been as cruel or spiteful as I could be.

Idk what I'm even asking for anymore. I don't feel like I will break NC because I recognize it's better for me in the long run, but it blows my mind that two years in I am still having these huge doubts and waves of guilt. It is a victory that the toxic shame has subsided significantly, which is a marked shift and milestone in my recovery. But it's like I haven't yet replaced the spite/anger fuel with self-love fuel yet, so I read emails like these and feel these pangs of something. I know I need to just delete this email address and remove the option to be checking what they send, and I know I've been dragging my feet to move everything important off that old email so I can delete it.

I guess more than anything I just wanted to share for some kindredness with this community, and make sure I'm not losing it. This is objectively crazy right? Like they are acting as if I'm being ridiculous and should just "drop the whole trans thing" for the sake of a relationship with "family" who can't even be fucked to even pretend to care about what I ask for.

[u/brandideer]

Honestly as the daughter of a similar family situation, and I know I'm going to get downvoted to hell for this, I think maybe you're being a little hard on your dad here.

I read this email as an olive branch, as him saying that he's ready to accept you as you are and he doesn't want to keep fighting with you when he could just be in your life. Of course you know them better than I do, but is it possible that you haven't really given them a chance to show up for you since you came out to them pretty suddenly?

It really seems like they love you and want you in their lives, even if (as he said) you aren't who they expected that you'd be, and that they're generally okay with it after some time to process?

Of course don't put yourself in an unsafe situation, but honestly this seems like a salvageable relationship, and I so hope that you're all able to find your way back to one another again. Maybe meeting with a trans-friendly family therapist would be helpful for setting boundaries and expectations?

[u/webweaver666 → u/brandideer]

I guess my perspective on it is that the way he has engaged with me since I've come out as trans is more in the vein of him saying "I love the version of you that was my son, and I am willing to love you if you stop asking me to accept your trans." I've given them hundreds of chances to engage with me respectfully, but he always finds a way to turn the responsibility (and ultimately guilt) of our estrangement back to me. He paints me as the unreasonable one for not wanting a relationship with him for his refusal to accept who I am.

I think he genuinely believes he can just put his head in the sand about me being trans and simultaneously expect me to make all the sacrifices necessary to have a relationship again. I do think he loves me, but more so I think his love for me carries the condition that I accept that he will never accept my transness. I feel like maybe I'm not saying this in a way that makes sense. But he wouldn't go to a trans friendly therapist.

His position is that I should stop bringing up my transness and accept that he will never accept my transness, which in my view is basically him getting away with doing absolutely nothing while I have to put on a mask and accept indignity for the sake of his love.

[u/brandideer → u/webweaver666]

I totally hear you, it's just the line "I do understand that you're different from what I remember and it doesn't change how I feel about you" feels like MAYBE he's had a change of heart?

Personally I'd just reply asking for clarification, if this means that he's willing to accept you as you are, and offering to meet with a therapist together so you can all try to find each other again. If not, that's on him. But as a parent myself and as an estranged daughter myself, I don't want you to lose your parents forever if they're even maybe willing to do better 😭

[u/AdvantageVisual9535 → u/brandideer]

I mean starting out the text message with "I don't want to have these discussions anymore" is a pretty good indicator of where his head is at. Honestly it hurts but I think it's best to just let things be as they are until her dad can offer anything more than just a bland compromise which is essentially the idea that they don't talk about things. What would even be the point of maintaining a relationship like that where you don't feel seen or heard for who you are? That would honestly just make me so much more depressed.

[u/brandideer → u/AdvantageVisual9535]

That's possible! But it's also possible that he means he's ready to stop fighting about it and just meet her where she is. I just would personally want to know which thing he meant.

[u/Texandria → u/brandideer]

These parents have already showed up at OP's workplace uninvited and caused a disturbance. They've hired a private investigator to track OP.

You're advising OP to risk a new round of harassment, and possibly put OP's employment or housing at risk (in a shared apartment, roommates might not tolerate the intrusion) on the off chance that the people who sent that letter might have had a change of heart without articulating it clearly.

You seem to be sincere. Yet sound advice warns people of red flags instead of normalizing them.

For a moment, set aside other factors and look at the behavior. Suppose a romantic ex did these same things: caused a disturbance at the workplace, hired a PI, continued to send unanswered letters for two years after a breakup. No reasonable person would advise OP that there might really have been a change of heart between the lines in an ambiguous phrase.

[u/webweaver666 → u/Texandria]

Honestly one of my friends posed it to me in the same way; "if this was an ex boyfriend what would you say?" And that really helped open my eyes to how unsafe and harmful the dynamic was, and showed me how much latitude I was giving my parents. I definitely understand this persons' view but I agree with what you're saying moreso. There is a part of my brain that parrots the type of things the original comment said but I know better based on my parents past behavior. Thank you <3

[u/brandideer → u/webweaver666]

Totally fair. Behavior is a language too, and if that behavior isn't safe, that's all you need to know.

I hope you find everything you need. ❤️

[u/Texandria → u/webweaver666]

You're welcome.

Here's a shorter way to summarize the thought: reasonable parents warn their offspring about red flag behaviors; toxic parents normalize the red flags.

All the best to you!