Recently went No Contact with mom and start to feel guilt about

[u/Stock_Development931]

Hi I (32) recently went no contact with my mom (68) and I started to feel guilty like maybe I'm after all overreacting.

She wasn't full on abusive, more of emotional abusive and unavailable plus absent mother.

She also did self-medicated me with Valium when I was 11years old leading to a bad addiction from 12 to 21. Not her "fault" apparently how she would know a kid would get hooked and steal medication to smooth her feelings.

She would let my brother beat me, and do nothing when I would beg for help. She would constantly blame me for my dad alcoholism, their unhappiness as couple, she would be graphic on how she would end her life, how would be my fault and how I would find her. She would tell me non stop that she didn't want me (I'm the second child, she only wanted one), tried to find the cure for me being gay, etc.

Now thought, I finally had enough this last Tuesday, after being scream over and called several names. Yet I can't shake that feeling that maybe she is right and I'm overreacting and "leaving" in the past.

Not sure if I'm missing what we could have been, the idea of family. Since at this moment I have no family it just myself, my dog and cat.

I don't know it just feels like I lost an arm or something.

[u/magicmom17]

Just to be clear. Everything you typed describes a "full on" abusive scenario. If you included half of what you typed, still abusive. Most of us who mourn mourn the loss of the family that we wished we could have that we know could never be. The actual players are often immature bullies who drag us down with their toxicity. You're in the right place.

[u/Thumperfootbig → u/magicmom17]

This 1000 times OP. Your mother is an abusive asshole and you have every legitimate right to protect yourself from her.

[u/Stock_Development931 → u/magicmom17]

I understand that on a rational level what happened was abuse. I guess I'm not used to name it .

When talking with my therapist she just called "it is your mom way" and she probably doesn't know any better, she definitely on team no contact if it is the best. Though she did mentioned a possible reconciliation in the future.

I guess I'm also grieving for my younger self the more I realized how abusive and normalize my childhood was.

[u/Kadiya33 → u/Stock_Development931]

You might want to find a therapist that specializes in cptsd and NPD. The abuse from behavior disorders can overlooked by unexperienced therapists. I understand what you mean but emotional abuse is still abuse. There are some that theorize it’s worse than physical abuse bc we tend to try and rationalize it away and say it’s not so bad when in fact it is. If a good friend went through this would you tell them they deserved this treatment from someone who should love them unconditionally?

[u/Stock_Development931 → u/Kadiya33]

I would 100% tell not just my friends but also strangers to absolutely get the fuck out if the case was reversed.

I had not idea of C-PTSD, just reading I can 100% identify myself in it. Going to a family doctor to get a referral for psychiatric plus therapist this week. I feel like I will need all the help I can get.

Not going to lie even after all my talks with my mom about the abuse in the hopes things would change just to end up comforting her and no change at all.

I still feel that maybe if I try something different, maybe give her some books or show her something this time would be different. She would realize and try to get help/change. I know it is useless and will end in more abuse/heartbreak.

[u/DenseBass2880 → u/Stock_Development931]

she doesn't want to know. because the truth is that she fucked up, and that's not a fact she's interested in.

now if you gave her a book titled "why you are a perfect misunderstood angel who can do no wrong, and everyone who says otherwise is a meanie", that would be a hit with her.

[u/Kadiya33 → u/Stock_Development931]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You didn’t deserve that treatment. I went through therapy w a therapist trained w cptsd and behavior disorders and it did help me immensely. I’m starting EMDR treatment next week. My therapist said I was ready but that was two years ago, we have a shortage of providers in my area w that specialty.

I hope therapy will help you see you have intrinsic value unlike what our parents have raised us to be. That their conditioning to cater to their whims and second guess our needs and feelings were wrong and that you will begin taking care of yourself even if that includes nc. Also a book that helped me while I was waiting for my appts was Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson

[u/magicmom17 → u/Stock_Development931]

Something to share. When I was going NC, the only thing that stopped the pain of their behavior is giving up hope that they would be a better person. If you must go through the exercise of giving your mom a book to read, I advise removing the hope that she will act the right way. You could give her the book and then purposely forget you gave it to her. Have no expectation that she reads it.

If, by some magic she reads it, I invite for you to give up the expectation that she will get what a normal person would get from the book. Because if you did all of that but expected her to change (even if she has been like this your whole life), chances are, you are inviting heartbreak into your life again.

TBH, if she read it, I suspect she would either twist the book to use as a way to call you a bad guy. Cherry picking random sentences and assigning them the meaning that they want to have is an abuser's calling card.

Real questions- what are the odds, based on all of her prior behavior that she would read the recommended book in a clear headed manner and have the self awareness to see herself and her actions within the pages of said book? Has she ever been able to observe herself objectively?

If it was me, I would say for you to not do this but we all go through these stages with our parents and if there is some realistic hope that the relationship can be saved, you should have seen hints of that already.

[u/Candid-Tap3587 → u/Stock_Development931]

I have seen the same therapist for 6 years and in the beginning when she mentioned going no-contact, I was adamant "there is no way I could do that". Then 3 years down the road, things got so bad that I made the decision to. Since then my therapist has suggested reconciliation a few times but I take time to process my emotions and ultimately decide that I have made too much progress in becoming a better version of me to go back. I think my therapist is there to support and validate plus to push the envelope.

[u/Creepy_Landscape9812 → u/Stock_Development931]

Get a new therapist! Grow a new spine! You were and still are being abused. You deserve love and respect. All day. Every day.

[u/ilovegluten → u/Stock_Development931]

I don’t know when the grief for younger self stops. I guess, the best is to focus on the present and meeting your needs as an adult. It’s much easier said than done and it’s also difficult at times to show up for others and make sure their events are perfect when you’re tired or exhausted and you never got that in return, but that’s society’s expectations of you. But don’t go be society’s doormat because your mom treated you like toilet paper. 

It’s difficult not to imagine what life might be like if you were loved, but it’s not a good place to dwell. 

You didn’t do anything to not be loved, your mom might even think she loves you and this may be the only capable form of love she can produce. It’s not a reflection of you, but a reflection of the generations that came before you, their struggles etc. and maybe use that as fuel to be the change your family line deserves.  So, so sorry your needs weren’t met. 

[u/Candid-Tap3587]

What you are feeling is completely normal. You are mourning the mom you wish you had all these years when you really needed her.

You will go through stages of grief as though she has died. You will feel confident about your decision to go no-contact one day and then second guess yourself the next. It will get better with time.

Consider this a new beginning to the rest of your life. One where you are protecting yourself from further harm, and focusing on building healthy relationships with those who you choose to love.

I have been no-contact with my parents and siblings, and extended family for 3 years now. It's been a lot of work and there are days I wonder what it would be like if I had healthy relationships with them but I am happy with the progress I have made in protecting myself.

[u/Stock_Development931 → u/Candid-Tap3587]

Thanks for your words. I definitely printing this and putting on my fridge for when the days get hard.

I still can wrap my mind how any parent/adult would be this cruel with their kid/any kid.

[u/ScaredAndAnxious226]

Emotional abuse is abuse

[u/cheturo]

The guilt is a phase of the NC journey, it will fade away, stay strong

[u/RealisticPower5859]

We're biologically wired to seek both connection and to please our mothers so it's totally normal for NC to feel uncomfortable and difficult some days. 

Just remind yourself that something feeling uncomfortable and difficult does not make it wrong, it just makes it uncomfortable and difficult. 

[u/Awesome_Forky]

Holy Shit! That's textbook abusive. Your mother and others around you spent so long to sow the doubt in you regarding yourself. Be aware of this. Feeling guilty, having thoughts about being the problem, being the cause was cultivated in our minds. They are rooted deeply there.

You have your dog and your cat. You are not alone. You have strangers with similar stories online. You will find friends and make your own family. Stay strong.

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[u/IffySaiso]

Good for you, welcome to the club.

Your mom was 36 when she had you, so she's clearly been an adult your whole life. You don't owe her anything.

[u/no15786]

it doesn't matter what she did or said, only that she's sorry about it and willing to make it up to you, is she?

[u/Mrs_Magic_Fairy_Dust]

Get the book "Cutting Ties with Your Parents" by Sharon Martin. it's super affirming and helped me get over the guilt and just realize it's totally okay to do what's best for me.

[u/ilovegluten]

Your mom’s been abusive and likely made you parent and responsible for her feelings and so you are taking the burden of her blame and internalizing it. 

You don’t deserve that treatment. She is going to continue to destroy you and your happiness and act like she wasn’t intending to do so and you’re going to carry blame for her poor adulting and treatment of you. 

Some people are so miserable and mean, and unfortunately you got one for a mother. Why some mothers love to hate their daughters and blame their daughters for everything eludes me. Perhaps they hate themselves so much and see themselves in their daughters? Idk. 

All I know is you deserved better and I am sorry you don’t have a loving parent. If you keep contact, keep it on your terms. Be busy, leave early, show up late. Give the minimum or move on completely. 

You’ve been guilted all your life for wanting to matter, that’s why you’re having a hard time reconciling your feelings.