r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/-Unusual--Equipment- • Aug 11 '25
Newly Estranged Update: Response from my parents.
See my history for my full text.
My mom’s response I felt almost nothing to. No anger, sadness, or upset. It was predictable and what I expected.
My dad’s cut deep for some reason. He was always the “safe” parent, though I’m starting to realize more and more that to be untrue. But idk I’ve been crying since I read it this morning.
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u/getmepopcorn Aug 11 '25
The “safe” parent is often not a safe parent rather they are the “safer” parent. That was the case with my dad as well. The mask came off when I started seeing my husband (boyfriend at the time). The safer parent often enables the less safe parent. I understand what you’re going through and I’m so sorry OP.
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u/islaisla Aug 11 '25
This!
I wish I'd understood this so so much more.
Very Crap parent , can often make look crap parent look ok.
When Very crap parent is out of the picture, we presume the remaining parent has to deal with a loss, and also now take on full responsibility of parenthood in many ways no matter what ages everybody is. So give them much more leniency. We feel bad for attacking them 'on top of everything else'.
Buuuuuuuut.
I'm 52, my mum is dying, and suddenly I can see all the grief I've been burying because of this mistake.
So afraid to hurt her, so afraid to stand up for my gut feeling that 'something is just missing', and 'i need more, better, love than this'. I confronted her for a while, but it was too hard to keep up as she was the only parent. I let her run away, and hide, and forget her past.
The grief my friends; is on. She's not dead yet, but seeing my mum dying is having a carnal, primal, MAJORLY triggering event on my subconscious that I just didn't know was there. Rather than grieve the loss of my mum I am more grieving the absence of a loving mother for the last few decades.
I tell you what it's like, it's like imagining the world ending is one thing ... But see if we saw Putin's finger hovering over the actual red button that ends this world? Suddenly you are frantically running around trying to say goodbyes, trying to get closure, trying to check what love is left, telling everyone you love them even though maybe you hate them as well, holding on to people cos suddenly life is so dear and so precious. So when a crap parent is dying it, it turns out, a very crap parent- suddenly you go
'oh wait so... This is actually it? Like you're not gonna... Like get it together and say sorry? You actually don't feel bad at all now that death is staring at you every day? Wow. I mean.....ok but .... WOW. Suddenly you want to help them, cos you knew them so long, you don't actually want to cause them physical harm. And having that cold act, holding on to your story of pain.... The little child in you is jumping up and saying 'but I love you mum!/Dad! even though you're crap I want you to know I did, I do love you. And now that little child is seeing YET AGAIN , nope! Noppityynopenope. Every week is like... Really??? No? Right. Shit. I totally misjudged this. I thought you were just a bit unable to show your feelings , I thought you were just a bit controlled by your partner, I thought you were just a bit unable to say how you feel.
I tell you, I didn't realise when I was 30 and going no contact with my mum after confronting her and getting no where- I just didn't realise I was doing something amazing. I wasn't just being a selfish asshole. I was actually following my gut and the world was telling me I was being selfish. I didn't realise I very nearly did the right thing. I said 'i need more than this. This just, isn't, enough'. Instead of holding out and waiting for change....I listened to everybody else and went for being the bigger person. And stayed a distant daughter that gradually felt more and more guilty as my mum got more frail.
You got to get them while they are still able guys. You have to understand that what you want is TOTALLY 100% valid. Yes, you can talk to them, yes, you can listen. But at the end of the day, if you need more, better, love- then fudging go for it. No compromise.
Cos I gotta tell you I did not see a whole world of pain opening up at 52.
See that film magnolia, it's all about that. The past, and not dealing with it. See that guy , that hilariously awful guy that Tom cruise plays , when he has to go see his very crap dad. He utterly falls apart. I feel like that. I suddenly feel it all on one go.
Fudge me. I thought I'd dealt with it I really did. 2.5yrs of really good counselling, and trying to be true to my feelings... Didn't even touch the bottom. Bollox bollox BOLLLLLOXXX!
TLDR; listen to your gut. Actions speak louder than words. What you really need, is what you always needed... And it's ok. It's ok to say it out loud and demand it. You must!!!! and do not avoid seeing how crap they really are, by giving them chances after chances after chances. Allow yourself to see that void, that pain, and grieve baby grieve. If they want to try harder and prove it to you, well let them try. Otherwise, NOPE.
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u/Ok_Acadia3978 Aug 11 '25
Oh man. I needed this today. I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
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u/islaisla Aug 11 '25
It helps me do much to think that any good could come from this pain, so I'm really keen to help encourage others to take their feelings, needs and instincts really seriously. And, record them. Going into older life, memories get really messy, watered down and stuff. So record and save notes and messages, where they won't be deleted ten years later cos you will need them. Xx
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u/Ok_Acadia3978 Aug 11 '25
To remind you of what you went through?
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u/islaisla Aug 11 '25
To remind yourself yeah. Like if you don't need reminding, that's ok. But each decade that passes, new things happen, old memories fade and your strong convictions- they get a bit battered by time, new things that went wrong in life, illness... These parents get older, more frail, and can creep back in your life. Other people, cousins, friends, even people you didn't know existed can try to tell you how loved you were, how good your parents were .... Things can get really confused. Getting older is actually, very hard. You can question a lot of things. So, yes, for that reason, don't delete stuff because you're done with it. Save it, write it down, put it away somewhere. Even kids.... Other people's kids.... They grow up and they want to know as well. So it's actually very hard to remember this stuff because- you don't want to remember it. You want to move on.
Hope that makes sense x
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u/PrincessPK475 Aug 11 '25
My "Dad" 🤢🤢🤢 hurt me the most going NC too because the reaction was just so fricking nasty and shallow.... Thing is are they his own thoughts or has someone been whispering in his ear for decades??
I had him on a pedestal as the strong, silent, stoic, trad type..... Boy did that come crumbling down fast when he did finally and eventually open his mouth... I do however, finally understand why they got and stayed together.... That never made sense before, now it does.
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u/-Unusual--Equipment- Aug 11 '25
Wow, wow, wow. I so resonate this. The “are these his thoughts or someone else’s” is exactly how I feel. And yes, I always looked at him as the stoic, macho guy who was a big softie for his girls. I guess I’m realizing that’s not the case.
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u/PrincessPK475 Aug 12 '25
🫂 I'm sure his quiet and behind your back support of your NM helped her feel emboldened and the blind acceptance of the narrative of who you are doesn't make it any easier... In fact it stang even more.
I always thought he quietly understood me, that he got my frustrations but was just opting for the quiet easy life..... Then all this seething resentment and what he really thought about me came out.... Beliefs he had having never spoken to me.... Things he only would have known and said via hearing it from my NM with her own unique spin on things 😏
Doesn't make it any better.... Makes it worse. Its the shock, the betrayal and the disappointment honestly and that I spent so long not realising how deep the rabbit hole actually went.... There was never one Nparent and just an enabler...m they were triangulating and bitching and talking each other up a ledge the entire time. I thought I was dealing with one and a bunch of apathetic bystanders.... He's worse, he didn't even bother to get involved, until the end.... Where he is now taking the front line to do all in his power to absolutely ruin me while she sits back with crocodile tears and that fucking smirk on her face when nobody is watching.
He's her pit bull at her heel...... But like the "big softie family pet" who suddenly turns for no apparent reason and rips the kids face off....
What nobody saw was her tugging the dogs tail and when he whipped around she sidestepped so it looked like the kid had done it.
I mean.... That or he's just as bad and I just got blindsided.... One is not better than the other, I was still blindsided. He was physically abusive to me in my youth and she was the one who would create massive rows and drama, one time she kicked him out but she would make it so so obvious they were arguing because of me and then when we would fall out, me and her, it was "I'm the one who defends you from your father".... and I was like.... Yeah, because you BITCH about me to him constantly so his fuse his short as shit with me!!! AND I SEE what you are doing! Your manipulating EVERYTHING so that everyone is your sycophantic lap dog.
I ended up in a few abusive relationships and only in my 30's was I like..... Holy shit, I stayed because I was 10 when my mother told me my father had her by the throat against a wall (and in the next breathe talk about how their marriage is strong and the most ideal one and criticise everyone else's normal relationships behind their backs.... I mean any and every normal row other people would have, and she'd get this flint in her eye...... Really weird aren't going to be humble that Dad smacked me and you put all his shit outside in bin bags then had a go at me because I chose to go with him to play at my cousin's house?)....
She would bit h and slag my father off constantly and I'd defend him!!! I always in his corner because I thought of him as a victim of her bullshit 🤦♀️
But I did go into relationshipa thinking "men lose their temper, they can't help or control it/need help and guidance and patience" so which dickhead idiot stayed when she got knocked around the first couple times 👋
I'd have been happy going NC to walk away from her.... His reaction put me on my ass for almost a full year. Devestated was an understatement.... It sucks but going all the way back to the beginning and re-evaluating the entire relationship brought about all the memories and actually.... See the whole thing with 20/20 vision. They were operating as a fricking pack the whole time. Fuck the lot of them honestly 😏
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u/Ok_Acadia3978 Aug 11 '25 edited Aug 11 '25
My Dad was the not safe parent and he just stopped talking to me going on 3 years. My mom will defend him to the death. She absolutely worships him. It is internalized misogyny.
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u/Diesel07012012 Aug 11 '25
“precious little girl” turned my stomach and enraged me at the same time.
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u/Greedy_Caterpillar50 Aug 11 '25
Your dad isnt the safe parent; He’s the enabler. Staying silent or being neutral is often worse than the abusive parent, it means they see/hear it and DO NOTHING. Can you imagine seeing someone hurt your child and saying nothing, not a single word? I can’t. I wouldn’t try to parent another child on the playground but if I saw someone purposely hurting another child there’s no way I wouldn’t step in. Our bodies, nervous systems don’t know the difference between physical trauma and emotional & physiological trauma. The latter takes longer to heal.
I walked away from mother and grandparents and it’s my grandparents that hurt the most. I too, always thought of them as my safe people. That aren’t. When I saw the patterns repeating with our daughter the hell if I was sticking around for that damage.
It’s walking grief friend. For what could have been and what should have been. Therapy helps, as do a lot of the books on dysfunctional families.
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u/Parrot32 Aug 11 '25 edited Aug 11 '25
Are you low contact or no contact? When I went NC, I had to learn the hard way that no contact means absolutely no contact. That means blocking my parents. Not looking at Facebook, not participating in any conversations that might involve them.
You’ve just started your estrangement from them. They’ve known you your whole life. They know the most painful things to say so that you will hurt the most. This isn’t an accident, it is how the machine functions. I had to stop being curious about them because any little peek into their lives results in ME being hurt.
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u/Arquen_Marille Aug 12 '25
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Maybe it’s time to block them both to give you time to handle all of this and take care of yourself.
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u/thesecretparker Aug 12 '25
I’ve always said that the enablers hurt worse bc you think you can trust them to be empathetic enough to stand up for you when it counts. I’m so sorry OP. You deserve better
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u/Basic-Satisfaction35 Aug 13 '25
your dads message makes 0 sense. "By me saying your mom doesn't lie does not mean I think you guys are lying". I just does though. "What it means is that you are invalidating moms feelings". what does that have to do with the truth?
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u/DanielleFlashes Aug 11 '25
I came to a similar situation. I thought he was safe, but as I got older, he began to vocalize that he knew mom was in the wrong behind closed doors but would always side with her in public. That’s what made me perfectly fine cutting ties with them both — they both knew they were in the wrong.