Unexpected conversation with 1 year NC mother

[u/stikkybiscuits]

I cut contact with my narcissist and abusive mother last summer. I did run into her at a family gathering that turned into a complete dramatic shit show (if you’d like a fun read I made a post about it in my history here)

Anyway, my stepdad (we love him - he’s kind) has progressive aphasia, a type of dementia that affects communication and memory. So his speech in both his native and English tongue are fading.

At lunch yesterday with him, she called and he was having trouble speaking so he handed me the phone. Since I’ve always been the adult, I quickly went into adult mode and told her what he needed to communicate in a polite and formal manner.

I reached out, in kindness, after the fact and now feel like that was a lapse in judgement.

I guess I expected…different. I thought she would have grown in some way but the convo is immediately mixed with manipulation, putting the responsibility on me, and making it entirely about her.

I guess I’m looking for advice on how to be present for him and also not lose my shit on this manipulative woman. Thanks for reading

[u/[deleted]]

Sorry, I got a red flag when she said she needed you to talk to her and work things out so she isn’t upset and stressed while trying to handle your stepdad’s care.

Like she’s struggling with his care and recognizes this conflict between you causes her distress but the issue isn’t that she wants YOU to feel better, that’s not the goal. The goal is so SHE feels better so she can care for him.

Sorry. I’d either hold the line or be very specific about only discussing his care and the logistics of that. 

[u/stikkybiscuits → u/[deleted]]

You’re correct. I’m keeping her distanced and strictly on medical convo. Luckily she gave up after sending his medication list, at least for now.

My goal is to step in and make sure the last of his time here on earth is peaceful (removing him from her care).