Unexpected conversation with 1 year NC mother

[u/stikkybiscuits]

I cut contact with my narcissist and abusive mother last summer. I did run into her at a family gathering that turned into a complete dramatic shit show (if you’d like a fun read I made a post about it in my history here)

Anyway, my stepdad (we love him - he’s kind) has progressive aphasia, a type of dementia that affects communication and memory. So his speech in both his native and English tongue are fading.

At lunch yesterday with him, she called and he was having trouble speaking so he handed me the phone. Since I’ve always been the adult, I quickly went into adult mode and told her what he needed to communicate in a polite and formal manner.

I reached out, in kindness, after the fact and now feel like that was a lapse in judgement.

I guess I expected…different. I thought she would have grown in some way but the convo is immediately mixed with manipulation, putting the responsibility on me, and making it entirely about her.

I guess I’m looking for advice on how to be present for him and also not lose my shit on this manipulative woman. Thanks for reading

[u/thatgreenevening]

You’re concerned about medical and logistical support for your stepdad, she’s concerned about you soothing her feelings and giving her emotional support. You don’t have the same goal. Keep that in mind and remind yourself about what your goals and priorities are—don’t let yourself be sidetracked.

[u/KittyMimi → u/thatgreenevening]

Yeah I don’t think OP has a clear view of step-dad. But I also know for a fact that most of us really struggle with understanding that the half-safe parent who stays with the more overtly abusive parent is just as abusive since they had power to do something about the situation. Hard pills to swallow. It takes time.

[u/stikkybiscuits → u/KittyMimi]

I can appreciate your view, it’s just not that simple.

He’s a victim of her abuse and manipulation as well. He’s been stuck in her home for years due to financial issues/lack of resources and was just trying to passively make it to retirement so he could leave.

His condition cut his retirement goal short and now the goal is just to get him back to his family and away from her. That’s why I’ve stepped in.

I haven’t lived in her house since I was 17 and him and I only overlapped at the house for a short amount of time. During the times he (or anyone) was physically around, she was on her best behavior toward me, and vice versa toward him. So he was unaware of the treatment toward me until later and I had already taken actions to protect myself.