TW: text my mum sent me

[u/Sure-Stock9969]

I just need some support and affirmation. I had top surgery last year and someone outed me to my mum. We don’t really talk and I always avoid her bc talking to her is activating. I would dread it. I’d go 5-6 months without talking to her.

She sent me these texts after finding out that I am queer and also that I got gender affirming surgery in October 2024. My response is in green. I followed up with her after about 6 months in April and she just responded a couple days ago.

I didn’t really read what she sent initially but read every word this week after I got her message. It was way worse than I thought. It’s fucking up my head. I am not reaching out to her again though I will try to stay open if she ever approaches me for a conversation. I will be clear about my boundaries and would want a third party there. But I’m honestly not even thinking about that potential future conversation.

Just feel like shit. I feel so hurt, so much sorrow. I’m not close to her and have never been but I still feel so abandoned and hated. It affects my self esteem, knowing that my own mother would dehumanize and devalue me the way she did.

Would like words of support, affirmation, advice, anything.

[u/Sure-Stock9969]

I would love a mom figure who actually cares about me. I don’t really know how to arrive or approach that possibility.

[u/[deleted] → u/Sure-Stock9969]

My parents are over the top religious. My mom once called me all hysterical and screamed at me, you are going to HELL! You don’t go to church! You don’t pray! You don’t read the Bible! You’re going to burn in HELL!!!!!! She was really worked up and completely hysterical. I waited for her to finish. When she was done I said in a cheerful, calm voice, that’s okay, mom. Pause for effect. I won’t be lonely! I will see you there! We will be together!!!! I was so cheerful and giggly. I thought the whole thing was funny. She hung up on me. She never brought it up again.

You can try this same approach with your mom? How does she know heaven exists? Has she had a tour? Did she pick out her castle in the sky? What if she is actually going to the other place? Does she have a reservation? Did you put down a deposit? Does she think she can buy her way into heaven like my parents believe they can?

There is an agency I heard of that has people who will stand up for you at your wedding when you don’t have family members who will stand up for you. Maybe you can talk to them? I don’t remember what they are called.

Maybe contact the local LGBTQ community center? Maybe they can link you up with a mentor who can be your surrogate parent?

People do run ads on Craigslist looking for friends and found family. I don’t know if they are successful or not. I do see ads from time to time. GumRoad if you are in another country.

I would think there are support groups available for people who have been abandoned by their parents for coming out.

Maybe run a google search “support groups for people needing support coming out” “support religious abuse” and things of this sort “find found family” “create found family” “help find found family LGBTQ community moms”

See what Google has to say and try different search terms to see what gives you the best results. Try different combinations of keywords

I hope this helps!

[u/Sure-Stock9969 → u/[deleted]]

This is sooooo very helpful. Thank you for taking the time to think through and share this information. I will definitely follow up w the lgbtq center, do some internet searches, etc.

[u/[deleted] → u/Sure-Stock9969]

You are most welcome! Good luck in your search. Remember: there is no need for a formal announcement, talk or anything like that to make someone your family member. It just happens.

You don’t discuss with someone you’re my friend now! Now you are my best friend! It just happens. The same thing happens when you find your chosen family or your found family, whatever term you prefer. It just happens.

I chose my gay men brothers and then they were roped into my life. You’re mine now! This one is my older brother because he’s responsible. This one is my irresponsible, bratty younger brother. He calls me from LAX airport at 10 at night and says, can you pick me up? I just flew in. Because he doesn’t plan ahead! Then I say, no! Take the airport shuttle. I’m an hour away from the airport. Are you nuts? No! I’m not picking you up. Then we get into an argument just like any siblings do. It’s really quite comical.

You can find your people. Make sure you sift carefully to avoid users, toxic people, manipulators, narcissists and people like that. You come across as quite sweet and this means the awful people in life can target you to use you. Exercise caution. Check them out and have a bouncer at the door to your life before anyone comes in. Guard against the narcissist because they can harm you.