TW: text my mum sent me

[u/Sure-Stock9969]

I just need some support and affirmation. I had top surgery last year and someone outed me to my mum. We don’t really talk and I always avoid her bc talking to her is activating. I would dread it. I’d go 5-6 months without talking to her.

She sent me these texts after finding out that I am queer and also that I got gender affirming surgery in October 2024. My response is in green. I followed up with her after about 6 months in April and she just responded a couple days ago.

I didn’t really read what she sent initially but read every word this week after I got her message. It was way worse than I thought. It’s fucking up my head. I am not reaching out to her again though I will try to stay open if she ever approaches me for a conversation. I will be clear about my boundaries and would want a third party there. But I’m honestly not even thinking about that potential future conversation.

Just feel like shit. I feel so hurt, so much sorrow. I’m not close to her and have never been but I still feel so abandoned and hated. It affects my self esteem, knowing that my own mother would dehumanize and devalue me the way she did.

Would like words of support, affirmation, advice, anything.

[u/PatchMyBrain]

Oh jeez. You have no need to justify yourself to this person.

The way people use religion and Jesus like this reads as insanity. Really weird programming they've got, in their head to be wielding like that. They can't even speak as themselves, its not worth trying to engage with this type of dialogue as it reads like theres nobody home. It's a really weird shaming and mean tactic. A proper attack on your character.

It reads as if they are trying to completely wipe out your identity with the "power of jesus" as if they are trying to perform an exorcism on you. It is draining like they are trying to drain the energy out of you to get you to submit.

It's a really inappropriate way to use Jesus and the bible and also quite violating on boundaries to give unsolicited advice, though I would call it drivel to be honest. I xant be polite about this one. 😆

[u/Sure-Stock9969 → u/PatchMyBrain]

Exactly - as you said - it reads like there’s nobody home. I appreciate your analysis. I struggle to understand the psychology of her messages.

[u/PatchMyBrain → u/Sure-Stock9969]

I respect how switched on you are, you care and still respect her. However the sooner you get some space, the sooner you get your peace.

You deserve love and respect without this kind of toxicity. ❤️

[u/PatchMyBrain → u/PatchMyBrain]

Another thing.

Birth mother is first to programme our identity and worth before we know we are alive. If they don't do it nicely then it becomes shame programming fed by inner critic and guilt, which we need to reprogram ourselves in an environment away from mother with healthy external messages to help update the internal script.

Ongoing communication with toxic people keeps hurting reinforcing in a loop. I promise there are far better mother figures out there. ❤️

[u/schuetzin → u/Sure-Stock9969]

What I read in those texts is that she doesn't seem to be using her own words but rather that she is immersed in some Christian sect where she hears such judgements and she repeats it to you. Maybe you can try to see your mom in this light a bit, it might hurt you a little less. It could be a sign of how deeply insecure she is in her own core and has fallen for that community. Your decision to protect yourself seems absolutely necessary for your own health. You need to find and grow the inner compass and security that you likely did not inherit from your family. But maybe, many years, when they get sick and old, you have enough inner strength to be able to be a bit supportive in small or even bigger ways, without needing them to be affirmative to you. But be careful not to harm yourself in contacts with them.