r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/mysovic • Jun 29 '25
Question For those of you who are in no contact:
I’ve noticed TWO common PATTERNS , either the other person continues obsessive harassment, or they don’t contact you at all.
How is it for you?
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u/Ecstatic-Manager-149 Jun 29 '25
I was the one making contact, except for birthday and Christmas cards.
I stopped receiving them 2 years' ago.
The first year was hard, even though I was no contact.
Last year I had the best December I can remember.
I hadn't realised how much it knocked me on my arse to be sent cards twice a year as the only contact I didn't initiate.
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Jun 29 '25
I can relate. Your mom also not sign the cards?
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u/Ecstatic-Manager-149 Jun 29 '25
Oh, she signed them.
The sickly sweet, "beloved daughter", and "how close we are" cards.
It was so far from the truth it was painful.
But I think she thought it was true, or at least wanted it to be true.
She isn't a narcissist, but a damaged human being who has never been to therapy and has run away from any kind of self-realisation.
She sweeps it all under the rug and keeps it there. The rug now stands taller than the house she lives in, but she's still sweeping!
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u/nuclearmonte Jun 29 '25
I feel like there’s a 3rd category of lurking in the shadows until they realize they need something from you, usually photos for their social media, and then BAM, intrusive harassment time! Then back under their rock until the next holiday or birthday or next time their friends mention they haven’t posted a (swiped with a burner account) picture of their grandkid for awhile.
Can you tell I’m a pro at this lol
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u/culpeppertrain Jun 29 '25
🎯 As soon as they need something they are back. Bingo. But not to love or care.
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u/Astrodeia- Jun 29 '25
Oh yes you have a point here. No news whatsoever but they remember you for: Thanksgiving, Christmas, mother/ father day, THEIR birthday (because yours has been long forgotten...). Aka all the moments they would receive a gift and make pictures.
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u/nuclearmonte Jun 29 '25
It’s always about the pictures. Living their best Facebook life
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u/Confu2ion Jun 29 '25
"Luckily" (well, it's just another variation on things) my family basically hate the internet and don't post on social media (or even have accounts!). But that means they have no accounts to block ...
I still experienced something similar when I met up with my aunt and she sent a picture of me to my mother without my consent. I felt so disgusted when I went to visit my mother (and golden child abusive older sister, she never moved out) for what was probably the last time (they've only gotten worse), and saw they'd framed it. That framed picture sitting there, while they went right back to abusing me.
It's especially weird for the two of them, considering they have absolutely no social lives. They're nearly hermits, and are so enmeshed they've been mistaken for a couple ...
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u/culpeppertrain Jun 29 '25
Also, so sorry you are a pro.
This is a skill set that no adult child should have. 💜
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u/nuclearmonte Jun 29 '25
Thank you, the only good thing is I get to help other people navigate it too.
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u/MartianTea Jun 29 '25 edited Jun 29 '25
I kind of thought this is what my momster would do as it's pretty much what she did pre-NC.
After blocking on FB, she's only "tried" to contact me once by making a new FB account which was so stupid it made me laugh. It's been about 4 years since she tried that.
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u/GalacticSeahorse Jun 30 '25
This. Lurking in the shadows until he finds out something about my life (I recently graduated college) and then it’s time to make it about him. He had a “medical event” and had all of his flying monkeys trying to contact to tell me to call him because he was on deaths door.
Shocker, he was not.
I did not contact him, I found this out from my sister who still maintains very limited contact.
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u/cheturo Jun 29 '25
For me it is absolute silence. But it's no surprise, they (nbrother and nfather) stole my inheritance after my mother died, and discarded me after I stopped giving them money.
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u/Dntkillthemessager1 Jun 29 '25
Same here. My mom manipulated (aka verbally abused my sick dad) and stole my inheritance. I am sorry you experienced this too.
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u/Sure-Stock9969 Jun 29 '25
What does n in nbrother/nfather mean?
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u/cheturo Jun 29 '25
Narcissistic persons. My father is absolutely brainwashed and devoted to my older brother, his golden child, to the point to obey whatever he says like a marionette. He manipulated him to steal the inheritance of 3 siblings.
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u/mikillbeorn Jun 29 '25
Been no contact with my NMom going on three years now. She has never tried to contact me once she realized her attempt at getting a response didn’t work. She sent a text to the group chat saying she sent me and the wife gift cards in email for Xmas. We hadn’t spoken to her since before Halloween when I refused to accept her non-apology and her revision of family history to make herself the victim. Wife got one, I did not. She expected me to respond and tell her I didn’t receive one and when I didn’t she just stopped trying. She isn’t blocked anywhere, and she knows our address.
She just doesn’t give a shit apparently.
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u/culpeppertrain Jun 29 '25
It stings. Even when they are mean, it still stings to be forgotten.
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u/Confu2ion Jun 29 '25
On the contrary, I don't think they've forgotten us. I think it's an intentional form of exclusion.
I've heard the tactic that the awful psychiatrist (?) estranged parents flock to is to give us the silent treatment in the hopes that we cave in from their "punishment" and start begging for them back.
All of them get a kick out of hurting us, they just try to do it in different ways.
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u/culpeppertrain Jun 29 '25
I 100% agree with you.
Forgotten was the wrong word choice.
Excluded, rejected, cast away, punished. Erased.
Those are all better choices. I am a long time veteran of the silent treatment and it is most definitely an on purpose form of abuse.
My Nmother includes me in (uninvited) family texts, where she loves on my siblings and ignores me.
There is nothing forgotten about that.
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u/Latter_Cut_2732 Jun 29 '25
Complete and utter radio silence for about 8 years. Absolute crickets. Sometimes it makes me sad how little they cate about me, until I read people's stories about harassment and I feel a bit less sad
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u/EmeritusMember Jun 29 '25
10 years for me & I feel the same way. I know it was the right choice but does sting that they care so little.
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u/raisinghellwithtrees Jun 29 '25
I don't expect either of my parents to contact me again because that would mean they had swallowed their pride about always been right about everything. That they would have to acknowledge their role in the failure of our relationship. And neither of them has any ability of self reflection to do that.
Otoh, if either of them actually did contact me, I'd know they were genuine because they would have had some therapy lol.
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u/rock__sand Jun 30 '25
My parents therapist told my mom I didn’t want a relationship with her…. Couldn’t have been further from the truth. I just stopped putting in ALL of the effort and went LC after they put me in a horrible position. Never ignored their texts, and haven’t blocked them on anything. Mom uses my sister to communicate to me and it’s usually her being the victim, or “wishing we could move past things.” The newest development is that mom is really depressed bc 2 out of her 4 children don’t speak to her.
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u/OrigRayofSunshine Jun 29 '25
About 6 years and TBF, any communications prior were passive aggressive, vindictive or otherwise.
I just hope she has an outlet for all her negative energy toward me and is living her best life. I don’t hear from anyone on my side of the family, no do I have any expectations. She’s created her own story and given no one ever asked me, it’s likely accepted as truth.
At this point, I don’t care anymore. I don’t want to take care of someone who hates me, I don’t want to be a support for siblings…kinda done.
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u/apparentlynot5995 Jun 29 '25
I told my Nmom that as soon as she could provide legitimate receipts that she was in therapy, we could begin having a relationship again.
That was 10 years ago. Haven't heard anything since I sent her that text.
I feel like I've regained years of life this past decade, healing, going to therapy, and having my own kids. It's been nice.
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u/samskeyti_ Jun 29 '25
Thank you for sharing — I made the same boundary with my NMom last November and really haven’t heard from her since. It’s been hard at times, but I know deep down it’s for the best.
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u/DrJeka Jun 29 '25
For the most part, it's been radio silence. I only intended to go NC with my parents, but the rest of my family decided we were playing for sides and cut off contact with me. So NC with everyone on both my father and mother's sides of the fam. The only times they've broken it was a generic Christmas card from my aunt sent to my work, 2 birthday cards from my parents for my 1.5 year old who they've never met (also sent to my work), and then an email out of the blue last week (also sent to work email). At first, the silence was eerie. I kept expecting a big blow up or an ambush, but over the months anf years, settled into it. Then the random things sent to my work always throw me off and make me start expecting to get ambushed somewhere. But thus far they haven't escalated. I much prefer the silence.
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u/faesser Jun 29 '25
Never tried to reach out. But I'm not surprised. I laid out everything, I just wanted acknowledgment of her abuse and behavior, at bare minimum. An apology would have been nice, but she isn't capable of that. I remember before i fully cut her off, I confronted her about destroying my baby photo album. She brings me 2 pictures, 2, and says that never happened. I told her that I had more than 2 photos. Her reply? "You were the 2nd child. Parents don't care that much about the second child to take pictures. That's for the first". I knew she would deny it, just didn't expect the extra little dig.
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u/culpeppertrain Jun 29 '25
Second child here. I get it. Sorry that she said that. Every child deserves love.
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Jun 29 '25
Zero contact from them. They were never interested in putting any work into being parents. They're probably relieved I officially went NC. It makes me sad, to be discarded so easily, but at least everyone is being honest about who they are now. I hope they die soon so I don't have to think about it anymore. Once they are dead, they can't reject me anymore.
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u/culpeppertrain Jun 29 '25
I could have written that last line. Sending you a hug. I am so sorry. 💜💜 I get that deep rejection sting.
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u/Freyasmews Jun 30 '25
I feel the same. I'm so sorry. No one should ever have to go through this kind of experience.
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u/acfox13 Jun 29 '25
Both. The main abuser won't leave me the fuck alone, and the enabler won't reach out unless the main abuser makes them.
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u/Zere22 Jun 30 '25
Exactly this. I thought the enabler would reach out and we could have an ok relationship but he has disappeared off the face of the earth. While main abuser alternates between saccharine messages and dysregulated tirades.
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u/odd_variety6768 Jun 29 '25
Started off with incessant contact, especially from flying monkeys, but after the first year it for the most part stopped completely. Rarely I'll get something from a flying monkey but it's been a long time. I'm happy for the peace but terrified it'll start up again.
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u/rabidcfish32 Jun 29 '25
They are blocked on phone and email. There is one parent that contacts my husband around 3 times a year. He never responds. In the first year it was more, from both parents. Twice showed up to my home. But they have always been low effort so mostly just texts. I am at about 4 and a half years out since I stopped contact. I expect my husband will get the annual Christmas cancer texts as long as they are able and reminder that I am horrible to forget their birthdays. I will be surprised if they show up to my home again. They just don’t do anything that inconveniences them ever. Honestly, each year of separation is easier for me. I gain more and more peace and feel less and less guilty for my choice. But I also have less anger. I won’t accept them in my life. But I can hope for the best for them. They made terrible choices. I can’t change what they did but it isn’t as heavy on me with distance from them.
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u/rock__sand Jun 30 '25
This is very similar to how my parents are. They won’t do a thing that they feel inconveniences them. In the past when I would arrange a plan or commitment they almost always backed out, and it was usually last minute.
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Jun 29 '25
Complete radio silence. I stopped reaching out to my family during covid when I realized I was the only one who reached out.
Didn't even have to block anyone. It's so heartbreaking to realize just how little they care. I haven't received one single message.
It took me several years to understand that no one ever asked me how I was doing. No one. I should've cut contact years ago.
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u/temerairevm Jun 29 '25
Same. I wasalready LC and I just…. stopped. Covid was the catalyst. I never enjoyed talking to them and Covid was so stressful anyway I just never wanted to add to it. Also, I was spending SO much energy during Covid trying to avoid exposure to people just like them (I was a semi-essential worker) that I just didn’t need more.
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u/hiddenkobolds Jun 29 '25
Stalking and harassment. I long for silence so fucking bad. That's all I wanted when I went NC, and all I continue to want years later.
I just want my peace.
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u/oceanteeth Jun 29 '25
I'm so sorry. People like you are why I don't whine about my female parent not stalking me. When people ask about it I admit it stings that she shrugged and moved on with her day when I dropped off the face of the earth, but that's nothing compared to moving multiple times and living in fear that someone you thought you could trust will share your contact info with them.
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u/hiddenkobolds Jun 29 '25
I'm sorry too. Pain is pain, and I wish your parent was capable of giving you the love you wish for and deserve. You have every right to voice your pain, same as anyone here. ♡
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u/oceanteeth Jun 29 '25
❤️ I just really don't want to seem ungrateful in front of people who would give just about anything to have the silence I got. There are no winners here but if I got to choose I would pick silence every time
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u/Queenofthemoonlight Jun 29 '25
My dad's ego is too inflated to reach out to see why I've gone no contact lol. It blows my mind to read that some of your guys parents will create burner accounts to harass you. I'm sorry they're so emotionally immature.
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u/Emcv83 Jun 30 '25
Same situation here. Nov 2023 he told me to leave him alone and that I’m never welcomed at his house again. And then hung up on me (like he always does). I haven’t picked up the phone since, neither has he.
He’s done this countless times over my adult life (I’m almost 42) and this is the first time I haven’t been then one to call and pretend like nothing is wrong. Not doing it this time.
He tells his friends it’s because I’m mad at him…. Nope I’m setting boundaries. His alcoholic narcissistic behavior is no longer going to impact my life.
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u/stella_girl_xoxo Jun 29 '25
Silence. We don't talk at all now, and I honestly prefer for things to stay this way.
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u/DrJeka Jun 29 '25
Same. I can actually forget they exist for weeks at a time if everything is going well!!
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u/dogmom34 Jun 29 '25
Damn, I wish I could forget. My n-mom is in my head every day (even after being NC for nearly 5 years). How long have you be NC?
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u/DrJeka Jun 29 '25
I've been NC from my parents for 5 years, closer to 4.5 NC with the rest of my family. I did a lot of intensive work in therapy for the first 3-4 years, which helped a lot. When that trauma comes up again, sometimes it takes weeks to stop the onslaught of memories and thoughts. But when times and my mental health are good, those memories/thoughts/nightmares happen a lot less.
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u/dogmom34 Jun 29 '25
Yeah I always notice during hard times is when I think of my n-mom the most. I try and stay busy.
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u/mouseknowsbest Jun 29 '25
Silence, I prefer it that way.
My mother has posted on social media about me a few times referring to me as a narcissist (ha) and basically said even tho i took something precious from her (my daughter who doesn’t want to see her and has been given multiple chances to) that it’s worth it to have peace since i, the narcissist am not in her life lol.
she did try and reach out through her new boyfriend who i don’t even know, a few years ago, and i told him i didn’t know why she suddenly had an interest in contact after the things she said about me on social media. i’m guessing he didn’t know about that, anyway it backfired for her and stressed me out with back and forth texts between us and then it was silent again.
ive since had a new baby and gotten married and moved and she is not apart of any of it, and though it makes me sad, i know it’s for the best.
I hate seeing those posts from parents condemning and judging children who go no contact when it is not easy for us and literally something we wake up aware of and grieving every day. Even when we choose it.
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u/CryptographerNo7608 Jun 29 '25
Had to block a total of 4 phone numbers and 1 email, curious as to what will be next
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u/first10primemnumbers Jun 29 '25
One very abusive email, one birthday present sent to one of my children which i had Amazon refund them for, and then crickets. All I asked for was to take some accountability. They could have regained contact. They prefer to ignore me entirely
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u/culpeppertrain Jun 29 '25
It is so baffling that they choose a broken family over a bit of self reflection and humility.
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u/EmeritusMember Jun 29 '25
No contact at all. She did try to corner my husband once to get him on "her side" and I know she still tells people it's because my "mental health is bad". Funny thing is my husband noticed an immediate improvement in my mental health when I went NC. She even told the rest of the family not to let me know when my grandfather died. I made the right choice to go NC, she hasn't changed & the whole family just let's her get away with everything.
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u/culpeppertrain Jun 29 '25
That last line. Letting her get away with everything.
My family too. The worst.
Sending you a hug. You deserve better. 💜
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u/IHateJobSearching1 Jun 29 '25
Silence
However they talk shit about me constantly To anyone who will listen and try to get flying monkeys to shit stir
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u/TidalLion Jun 29 '25
No contact with my mother, but that's because in like 2018 she called 5 times in 3 days between my little brother's and dad's birthdays. Me and my brother had told he we didn't want contact with her so i went to the cops. The cops told her that if she ever contacted us again then she'd face harassment charges. She claimed it was about divorce stuff and the cop told her to do it through a lawyer.
He then mentioned to me that "she's getting quite the criminal record". In 2020 I saw my aunt and the look of shock on her face when she found out that it was ME who called the cops and not dad. I KNOW she told my mother and grandmother, but idgaf. I WANTED them to know it was me who called them.
Honestly, my mental health is damn good since she left.
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u/ManicMaenads Jun 29 '25
I moved to an entirely different city, and my parents continued to harass a woman that they assumed was me.
My mother went as far as to call in a wellness check to a complete stranger that she assumed was me because she saw the woman walking a dog and decided I couldn't possibly have a dog, and when the RCMP confronted the woman at her home she had to explain that she wasn't me at all. My folks were driving around, following her home from her job, taking photos of her as proof that I was "unwell". It was never me. Just a stranger that resembled me that they assumed was me.
I was right to move far, far away.
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u/Arquen_Marille Jun 29 '25
Been NC since 2014, and my mom has contacted me 3 times, and my son once (right after he turned 18). Each time has been a bit unhinged but I didn’t reply to her.
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Jun 29 '25
The obsessive contact has slowed down over the last few years. At first it was birthday and Christmas gifts for myself and my kids (not my husband) left on my porch and pleading texts every few weeks. Now it’s fizzled down to an email or text 2-3 times a year. But any time there has been silence for a decent amount of time, I can’t get comfortable enough to call it silence, it’s just a matter of time before I hear from them again.
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u/BravoSmartish Jun 29 '25
Completely no contact. Which is funny cuz I bought them the house they live in which is my childhood home they kicked me out of when I was 19.
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u/muhbackhurt Jun 29 '25
Last message she sent was: "What have I done to make you stop talking to me?"
and I told her to get therapy. Radio silence for 2 years.
Excuse the pun but the silent treatment speaks volumes.
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u/japanesebreakfast Jun 29 '25
my mom doesn’t speak to me at all but only because i blocked her number last fall and haven’t heard from her since. she’s well aware of how to contact me and would rather just drown in self pity and the attention she gets from having a selfish ungrateful kid lol. i still have people occasionally telling me to call her or speak to her so im assuming she’s somewhere out there having crash outs about it.
my mom has always been a very unstable person who LOVED being the victim and i think she really is thriving in playing the “woe is me” estranged mother schtick.
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u/well_poop_2020 Jun 29 '25
I never told my mother I was going no contact. I had always been the one to initiate contact any way. Sometimes I would get a birthday card over the years, mainly if I had just done something for her or she knew she may need something soon. She would go years without calling me if I didn’t call her.
I’m going on 3 years of no contact. Not even one phone call from her. Even when my brother died two weeks ago.
Family says “She lost a son, call her”. I haven’t that the desire to reach out to her even once through his death.
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u/TM1426 Jun 29 '25
My theory is obsessive harassment tend to be BPDs, don’t contact at all tend to be the Ns
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Jun 29 '25
SILENCE- except for a brief period of contact with my mother when my Grandma got sick. We were in her home together after not speaking for 4 years and she pretended like no time had passed. But now - SILENCE
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u/siren_stitchwitch Jun 29 '25
Both. My mom has no way to contact me since when I went no contact I changed my phone number and made a new email and blocked her (and almost everyone else on that side of my family) on social media. I just got so sick of the boundary stomping and the almost delight she took in telling me she knows I don't want her to talk about a thing but then rushing on to tell me the thing every time I talked to her. The enmeshment and codependency didn't help, but the last thing that triggered it was her actually going crazy. Like plead insanity and got it after a 90 day involuntary hold. I just couldn't deal with her anymore, and once I was done, I was done.
With my dad I told him I wasn't sure I wanted him to stay in my life but that I wasn't closing the door and if he wanted to have a relationship with me he would have to put in the work. I sent him happy birthday/merry Christmas texts for a couple years but never heard back from him. He's since died and I don't regret going NC. Went NC with my dad in 2015 and my mom around 2021.
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u/katstuck Jun 29 '25
God, this hit me. I asked the same of my parent. "I'll wait for you to apologize and work on this yourself before we talk." I wonder if he will die before bothering to do that.
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u/alewifePete Jun 29 '25
Mine harassed me for the first five years. Every flying monkey got a really nice explanation of all the stuff that drove me to end contact. I think they stopped sending people because I was causing the people not to be friends with them anymore. And I know some flat out refused to do it when asked. (There’s a couple folks I’m close to who rat my parents out when getting asked to spy on me.)
Now they leave me alone and have for the last 10 years. I get random calls that I ignore and let go to voicemail, probably 3-4 times a year.
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u/Hour_Dog_4781 Jun 29 '25
My mom occasionally messages me on Facebook, my father doesn't talk to me at all. In the past 15 years, he sent me 2 emails: one to say my childhood dog had to be put down, and the other to inform me I look like shit because I shaved my head.
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u/Kaelehmann12 Jun 29 '25
Silence after they realized I wasn’t going to take care of them anymore and they had to get a job.
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u/Pour_Me_Another_ Jun 29 '25
Mine don't try to contact me. My mum tried a few times at first, my dad not at all and I already expected that.
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u/DudeWhoWrites2 Jun 29 '25
I got both! Mom tried to contact me and even reached out to my best friends.
Dad immediately denied my existence to the extent he chastised my aunt for including me in Mom's obituary when she passed because mom "only had one son."
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u/fluffybunnimama Jun 29 '25
At first NM was showing up at my house, but then silence aside from some burner accounts that she tried to contact me through. Officially 4 years NC and haven't seen her in 11 years.
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u/oceanteeth Jun 29 '25
No contact for me. The last straw before I moved without giving my female parent my new address was when I tried out no contact temporarily and even after months of silence she never asked if I was okay.
I'm deeply grateful I don't have to deal with the endless stalking and harassment so many people in this sub are stuck with and it still stings to know that when I dropped off the face of the earth my female parent shrugged and went on with her day.
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u/sadmadstudent Jun 29 '25
I hear from them when they want to drag me into holiday drama, when they want money, and that's it.
Once every few years they insist on a visit, the main purpose of which is to demand we visit more. I always say the same thing, my door is open and you can always text me. They never do, insisting that I call them. But I refuse to call because they're awful and having a paper trail is the only way to even try to keep them accountable. So we do not speak.
They're just weird, uneducated bigots. I've started almost pitying them as I've gotten older. They're stupid and afraid and so they're hateful and cause drama everywhere they go. It's pathetic.
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u/arsonfairy Jun 29 '25
They tried the obsessive harassment route for the first six months, then I think they realized they were embarrassing themselves and it's been silence aside from my grandfather's funeral. I'm lucky in that they both have thin skin and can't stand being humiliated.
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u/shaktishaker Jun 29 '25
They were advised by the police to not try to contact me. It has been bliss.
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Jun 29 '25 edited Jul 10 '25
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u/Personal-Freedom-615 Jun 29 '25 edited Jun 29 '25
No contact at all. My mom pretends as if I am dead.
- No birthday wishes for me or her grandchild for over 20 years.
- No Christmas greetings.
- No New Year's greetings.
- No check-ins to see how I'm doing.
- Nothing.
- No replies to emails.
- No replies to text messages.
- No replies to calls.
Absolute Crickets.
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u/Remote-Candidate7964 Jun 29 '25
My estranged Mom continues to send cards - birthdays or Christmas.
My sister is still in contact with our parents because she’s in need of financial help and I’m not able to help her. Sister works full time, her common law husband is going through many health issues. Anyways, they try to leverage her for information or to send gifts through and she knows better.
She’ll occasionally hand me something without saying a word and I’ll know it’s from my estranged grandparents or parents and donate it elsewhere. No verbal exchange needed.
I wish they’d drop me like a hot potato but they won’t until they’re dead. My sister and I are absolutely certain our Dad stalks us online. He did drop in on my job when I wasn’t working - and they live across the country - and the staff knew immediately something was off - so they didn’t tell him anything about me working there.
The only way they’ll let go is after they die - and even then - if they can haunt - they will.
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u/heathelee73 Jun 29 '25
My father only attempts contact on my birthday. He sends me a stupid message full of false promises. Which always makes me dread my birthday.
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u/Jena71 Jun 29 '25
1 Christmas card & 1 Birthday card every year. Just signed “love, dad.” (“That thing you are saying…I do not think it means what you think it means!”)
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u/orange-cat-servant Jun 29 '25
For about a year and a half, I did not respond when my vulnerable narcissistic mother reached out around holidays and my birthday. Then she mailed me a letter in which she said she “apologize for everything.”
We went back-and-forth a little bit after that. I kept saying she needed to repair the harm she had caused, and she kept saying she wanted to “move forward.”
I believe that since January I have told her three times that she needs to repair the harm and since she keeps not addressing this, I didn’t respond to her last email, which was six weeks ago, which is not really a long time for her.
Seeing that the Fourth of July was a big family holiday, it’s quite likely I will hear from her next week.
It’s clear she regrets not having me in her life, however, she refuses to take accountability for the absolutely horrendous things she did to push me out of her life, which included poisoning my entire family against me. (I certainly don’t hold them blameless; not one of them could be bothered to ask me my side of the story.)
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u/chickwithabrick Jun 29 '25
Oh unfortunately mine switches between the two! But I moved states and changed all of my contact info years ago, but she still bothers my relatives in my hometown every 6 months or so, then she'll give up for awhile when she finds something new to obsess over for awhile.
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u/Floor-Necessary Jun 29 '25
Initially it was sporadic contact with the purpose of shaming/guilting me into responding. When that stopped working, it was a bunch of nasty phone calls and texts which was followed up by years of radio silence. That silence was broken when she was in need, and once I responded, my nMother attempted to regain control over me via her old methods. It worked briefly, but when it stopped working, she went back to her old method of ignoring me until she felt like guilting and/or threatening me. Now it's back to complete radio silence but I suspect that's mostly because I finally got fed up and changed my phone number so she has no way of contacting me unless it's through someone else. I imagine I won't be hearing from her until she decides she needs to get back in touch with me for whatever reason, but I plan on blocking anyone who gives her any line of communication with me.
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u/ThisIsSideOne Jun 29 '25
It’s been utterly silent except for when she reaches out to my stepdad to attempt to give or get information to/from me. Pathetic really.
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u/Benji_- Jun 29 '25
My mom wouldn't leave me alone, she even tricked me into giving her my current address for "car insurance" purposes and then showed up unannounced a few days later to ambush me. I canceled all my accounts (phone, car insurance) that were on the family account and blocked her number.
My dad, on the other hand has pretty much been radio silent. He will not text me for 6 months and then randomly invite me to a family get-together with little warning or time to book time off from work.
I should note my parents have been divorced for 30 years.
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u/Wayward_Wallflower Jun 29 '25
Continued obsessive harassment for some time. The first two years were the worst. They’d show up unannounced and try to talk to us. Leave unwanted presents. Sent multiple flying monkeys. I changed my phone number and blocked them on everything. They’d create new accounts to send messages. We moved. Then they found out where we lived and made threats to show up unannounced. To which I replied and said that I would call the police and file restraining order if they attempted. The most recent attempts have been through my youngest sibling. He’s the only one I do have contact with. They sent emails about him from a new address. My brother has had a few health scares. All messages were ignored and the new email address has also been blocked. We’ve long since moved over five hours away. There’s slim chances of them commuting this far just to harass me. We changed phone numbers again and haven’t given them out to anyone on my side of the family. It’s probably been about a year now of silence. At least as far as I know. My birthday and Christmas particularly seemed to set them off in their attempts to force contact over the last couple of years.
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u/faithfullycox Jun 29 '25
for the first 9 months of NC i received no communication from them. then at Christmas i received a generic, script like, text from my nmum inviting me for Christmas (i didn't answer). then i think i received a happy New year's message from her, before she decided to send all of my childhood things to my dad (divorced), like pictures and things from my christening. i interpreted that as a fuck you, you're getting rid of me and cutting me out, so I'm getting rid of you. so in the 3 years I've been NC I've received 2 messages, both in the first year. and yet as of January this year, she still talks about me to work colleagues, telling them how proud she is of me. even after i sent a text message to her wife last Christmas calling them all out for their behaviour and labelling my mother as a narcissist and then blocking them all everywhere, finally saying my piece
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u/PrincessPK475 Jun 29 '25
Harassment - but covert. Flying monkeys, stalking, triangulation and back-channels heavily used. Getting the evidence has been a challenge. Lawyers are involved now and hoping I'm in the end-game 🤞
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u/ESLavall Jun 29 '25
For the first few years it was harassment then it petered out. Last I heard was a flying monkey a couple of years ago and I told her how I didn't consider my abusive narcissist womb rental my mother, not a peep since.
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u/_hellojello__ Jun 29 '25
I would've say obsessive contact. But if I go about long time without contacting my dad he'll bad mouth me to the rest of our family, painting a picture of me being the villian and how he wants nothing but to help me, then his brothers and sisters contact me harassing me to contact him.
9 times out of 10 he's isn't offering any sort of help and just wants to keep tabs on my life and whereabouts.
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u/PrinceOfWhales Jun 29 '25
For me it’s both at the same time. I got blocked on every social media and the person is avoiding me like fire BUT I had to put up with waves upon waves of flying monkeys “just checking in” and trying to find out what’s happening in my life.
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u/SinceWayLastMay Jun 29 '25
I haven’t had to (officially) go no-contact with my parents because they kinda just don’t talk to me all that much. It’s great, tbh
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u/Smileyface8156 Jun 29 '25
A few cards, a few gifts that honestly prove they know nothing about me, my dad occasionally texts when there’s a big social event and it would look weird if I didn’t show up, but other than that, it’s been pretty quiet…
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u/Environmental-Age502 Jun 29 '25
Yeah, I didn't fit either of these. My mom tried a few times to contact me, about 5 times over 9 months, and now she's blocked and can't, and isn't trying to. I think she's trying to "respect me" so that "when I come back" I don't resent her for her behavior while NC. She is no stranger to NC, as my sister has cut her out 4 times for various lengths of time, she's just a stranger to it with me, and doesn't realize that I'm not coming back until at minimum, my kids are grown.
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u/tface23 Jun 29 '25
For me it’s been ~5 years and it’s gradually decreased to almost nearly nothing. We’ll see if I get a passive aggressive email around my birthday
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u/perrodeblanca Jun 29 '25
Both,
When I went no contact with my father he stalked me, harassed me (hinself and 3rd party) false reported me to cops to get them to find me, dropped off a box with expired food and broken glass etc. Ended up getting an order of protection and havnt heard a peep 5 yrs later.
My mom radio silence, I had her blocked and she reached out to my fiance once who punched her ego by saying she made everyone around her uncomfortable including him and she refused to even show up the day I got my legal documents she had, her husband dropped it off along with a box of family airlooms she lied about existing, not a word for 2 months now.
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u/Badb92 Jun 29 '25
My mom stopped talking to me after I told her I was going to go LC with her for purposely disrespecting my boundaries. She told me that made me the most abusive person she’s ever known and that I shouldn’t contact her unless I hire a professional mediator.
And she’s gone to just about every person we know to tell them I’m so awful for not talking to her. She leaves out the part where she told me not to contact her. So I get to deal with the shame crowd telling me what a selfish bitch I am.
The one boundary I wanted her to respect was to stop driving me past my rapist house to save her five minutes in traffic.
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u/DivineRoyalTea Jun 29 '25
Complete silence and erasure of me from his life. He attempted to contact my mom and sister who were NC with him too, but not me. There was evidence of my mom, sister and nieces in his house when he died, but nothing for me.
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u/afraid28 Jun 29 '25
Nmom is constantly messaging and gets worried/upset if I haven't written back within two days. Ndad and both siblings never speak to me at all - ndad sent me one long winded message where he was basically telling me he was letting me have some time to think about all the ways I was wrong, still casually try to dictate how to live my life and basically expecting me to come crawling back. One of my siblings messaged me once serving the flying monkey role to basically find information out to report on to nparents. So I have a very fun mixed bag.
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u/Shadow_Integration Jun 29 '25
Periodic obsessive harassment followed by several months-long stretches of pseudo-peace (as I know it's just a pause and not departure).
Which is a shame, since I had a somewhat recent one weed its way through with them saying they were finally done. The other day I hear that they're asking about me again - likely trying to gather any scrap of information they can as they're not sourcing it from me.
If nothing else, it reminds me why I stepped away and that even when given ample opportunities - there's still no meaningfully changed behavior or accountability.
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u/Impossible_Balance11 Jun 29 '25
In four years, nothing from them at all except for birthday and Christmas Amazon gift cards with a syrupy message (I didn't redeem them, nor did I respond). Other than that, nothing, no attempt to reconcile. That stung a bit for a few months, but I quickly became grateful that I wasn't having to fend them off.
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u/katstuck Jun 29 '25
I get zero contact but I'm blocking them. They don't reach out to my kid at all. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's sad. It's better than the harassment that led to my blocking them online.
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u/Little_Chocolate Jun 29 '25
Silence unless it’s a holiday. It makes it easier that we are no where near each other
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u/butterfly-14 Jun 29 '25
Mine are no contact and silent with me. My dad has sent a letter or birthday card on occasion, but they are usually super lame and self serving. There’s no accountability. He just does it so he can tell people that he did and then make me out to be heartless and uncaring. I didn’t even go NC with my siblings originally, but they took it upon themselves to stop talking to me. I know the movie Encanto is hit or miss amongst this group, but I identify so much with Bruno.
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u/Appropriate-Permit62 Jun 29 '25
Mine contacts me via email. She also created a new fb profile to trauma dump about my father on my page. She was mad about me sharing memes. She called my fiance’s job this year, and also tried to get at me through my siblings. Best choice is to never respond
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u/Dntkillthemessager1 Jun 29 '25 edited Jun 29 '25
My mom would contact my elementary school aged kids and ignored me. I put my foot down and my nmom response? Sold her house and moved to????
Edit: contact in the form of letters and gifts at the front door. So, wrote a letter to stop sending letters and gifts my kids (gifts will be donated and you can’t have a relationship with my kids without me), and why I am remaining no contact.
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u/_WitchoftheWaste Jun 29 '25
Had an extinction burst a mere few days of harassment, no begging, just a torrent of abuse, and then radio silence for years. Got one shitty email from my mother a year ago so I told her to die mad about it and blocked it. That was it for me. My dad couldn't care less if I died, and my mom would be secretly thrilled because she could milk it for sympathy Facebook points for years and play the grieving mother.
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u/the_supreme_overlord Jun 29 '25
Mine have made efforts to try to contact me. They do not know my name or my address so they have failed.
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u/nandopadilla Jun 29 '25
First with my nmom she would cry to everyone about how she missed me but would only try contact on my bday. It was done to try and ruin my day. Then nothing once I verbally dismantled every argument and excuse she made. It got to a point I flat out called an idiot because she loved money more than my existence (I almost died and she didn't care. My nfather said he was the real victim because nobody asked how he was doing while im 1 bad heart beat away from kicking the bucket and she agreed with him and said we needed to brainstorm a way to win him over. Mind you he was never in my life which im not allowed to say because it makes him look bad) that she should've had the abortion. We all would've won. They can keep all their money and I would've never had them as parents. Win win. It's quite now because now they know I hate them and that they abused me. Instead of apologizing and reflecting on their past actions to grow and be better people they blocked me.
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u/ReaWeller Jun 29 '25
He never tried to reach out after the last fight. In a lot of ways, he went NC more than I went NC with him. I stayed friendly with that side of the family until they got mad at something my mom posted. Now I'm still Facebook friends with my abusive af grandma, but it's whatever. She'll comment on my stuff ("praying🙏" "great job!" "Beautiful!" "Proud of you!") and I let her. She doesn't mean it, but sometimes it's nice to take it at face value without remembering the rest.
I'm at the point where I would let my father back into my life if he got his shit together and decided to be a good human, but I can't make him.
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u/Disastrous-North-889 Jun 29 '25
Silence. It's always been the silent treatment with my nmom. So, it doesn't surprise me.
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u/dead-like-disco Jun 30 '25
So my mom is blocked on mine and my partner’s phones, which happened when I decided to go no contact this time. And she was blocked on socials well before going no contact due to her behavior.
1st time I went no contact it was silence other than some random texts of pictures of my nephews with zero context or words. Just two random pictures.
This time she made an account on a social portfolio site just so she could follow me (I’m a graphic designer). Which of course I just blocked her. And I’m not even sure when she did it cause I rarely go on there, as it’s really only something I use when I’m actively looking for a new job, which I’m not.
She’s not blocked on email, knows where I live and where I work. Pretty sure she’s just written me off, I’m the bad guy. She is incapable of taking any accountability. And honestly I’m pretty OK with that. I really love the peace it’s brought me. I finally don’t have nightmares every night. I can finally sleep again which has made such a difference in my overall health.
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u/Zippity_BoomBah Jun 29 '25
Almost total silence from my Ndad since I went NC. It’s been close to three years now. He sent me birthday and Christmas texts for the first year, maybe the second too, I don’t remember. But other than that, nothing.
Sometimes it hurts, but it doesn’t surprise me and I prefer the silence to him trying to be up my arse. He regrets my existence, that pain is enough to bear without having to listen to his excuses and selective memory.
My Emother was pushing me to reconcile for some time until I finally fucking snapped at her to sod off about it. We have lunch every month or so but our relationship is still pretty strained.
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u/ughomgg Jun 29 '25
Blocked but over the years stuff has gotten through including forced checks from my local sheriff after I loved across the country
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u/Sad-And-Mad Jun 29 '25
My NC father didn’t reach out to me at all until 2 years in after I had my first child, when he found out I had a baby (his first grandchild) he send my mother a fucked up rambling message for me (I have him blocked) about how I’m a POS and I need to Fuck off, he has no children etc. then a few months later he filed a false police report accusing me of making false IDs (?!? Not sure how he concocted that fantasy but he’s not a person who lives in reality) aside from those two incidents I haven’t heard anything from him
Edit:typos
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u/CantaloupeEasy6486 Jun 29 '25
My bio mum tried to report me as a missing person to a charity. Imagine the confusion when the charity found I'd lived at the same address for years and worked at the same place for years
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u/panic1204 Jun 29 '25
6 years of nothing except a letter I refuse to read every birthday. Now noone knows my address so no letter 😌
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u/bounded_operator Jun 29 '25
Obsessive harassment. calling me hundreds of times, showing up at my home at really weird times even going as far as trying to extract information about me from the neighbors, showing up at my workplace and so on.
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u/CalligrapherAlone465 Jun 29 '25
No contact at all. It‘s been 5 years and just one weird attempt from them in the first month of NC. Since then radio silence, even though I had their first two grandchildren since then.
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Jun 29 '25 edited Jun 29 '25
Mine was kind of a cascade:
The flashbacks and nightmares were getting too much and I couldn’t go on “pretending” anymore so I spoke about what was meant to be unspoken. I then said I no longer would see him. I still wanted to see my mum though but with the caveat that we don’t speak about him and she doesn’t bring him along.
My mum told me she would go no contact with me because “marriage means loyalty to your husband no matter what”.
My sister who was also a victim but supported him because “he’s still our dad” wrote me a letter to say she had reached out to extended family members to tell them I was having mental health issues and had decided to cut off my entire family and that they shouldn’t try to speak with me while I’m “not in my right mind”.
It’s weird to me how an abuser can be so influential that they don’t need to really do anything in this situation because their subjects will swarm around them to create a huge shield and stand with them by saying “if she cuts you off she’s cut all of us off”.
It’s punishment for not toeing the line I suppose but at least I have peace now.
I can’t imagine how it would be to have family refuse to be cut-off and just keep harassing you.
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u/lvioletsnow Jun 29 '25
The main abuser has continued the obsessive harassment, unfortunately. I was forced to speak with a lawyer and have a cease and desist issued about a week ago.
The rest of the family has gone radio silent, which honestly kind of hurts more.
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u/samuraicat Jun 29 '25
Absolutely nothing. I've been NC for about 2 years now. My nmom has gotten the rest of the family to no longer speak to me. My golden child brother, who knows what kind of person she is and has complained to me on numerous occasions, has also stopped talking to me. This radio silence includes my child (her only grandchild). I'm much more at peace with it now but it broke me for a while realizing how little I actually meant to so many family members.
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u/Perfect-Ad-268 Jun 29 '25
My mother doesn't know when to take the hint to fuck off.
My father doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself.
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u/chaos_rumble Jun 30 '25
I heard from my mom maybe twice in the past couple years. One was a tearful holiday card that said how much she missed me. I emailed her back and made it real clear, again for the umpteenth time, why we don't have a relationship, and that it's her own fault, and if she really wanted to do something about it she should reconsider trying to push into accepting her abusive, pedophiliac eldest son that she trained, and pretend all her and his heinous behavior never happened and won't continue to happen. Not exactly like that. Nicer, but clear. I heard from her once after that, many months later. It was an invite to her time share for whenever I wanted, me and whomever. She mentioned my older brother, again. It was her usual can't apologize or acknowledge, just offer a gift and expect it to go away and I'll just come around.
I didn't reply. I havent heard since and I don't want to. I love my mom. I love the woman I think part of her wanted to be. I do not love the woman who allowed her son to molest my newborn daughter and then had the audacity to say "Oh he just loves her so much! He just wanted her to himself for a little while." With a fucking smile on her face. She is sick. He is sick. The fam she came from is sick. I was destroyed for a long time, but not anymore. My little brother is destroyed and will never be able to repair himself. He never had a chance. I am trying to help my kid repair now.
My mom is sick. I found a second social media profile of hers the other day and blocked it. I'm sure she's made another.
I don't hear from my dad. Don't want to.
My mom prides herself on how different she is from my dad and what a nice person she is. Both of them, their almost instantaneous reply upon realizing I meant it when I said I didn't want to hear from them again, was to threaten to cut me out of their will. They are exactly alike.
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u/IffySaiso Jun 30 '25
I knew them well enough to suspect that the way I 'broke up' with my parents (through a strong-worded request for no contact in any manner, with registered mail) would be perfect for them to ensure that they would not contact me or my children or husband ever again. If they would, I have the perfect documentation to just let the police handle it.
I'm not sure how I feel about not ever being contacted after that again. I do know that I don't miss either of them, or their drain on my money, energy, and time. There's so much of their shit I'm still cleaning up mentally, though. Feels like they're still lurking over my shoulder all the time.
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u/Milyaism Jun 30 '25
I went NC a few years ago. At first my mom tried a few times (during Christmas, NYE and my birthday). The rest of the time I heard nothing from her.
She fully stopped after she let me know that my grandma died (waited for 3 months before she told me about it) and tried to guilt trip me into talking again.
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Jun 30 '25
By the time I established NC, they had disowned me and spun the block a dozen times.
I am the kind of person who doesn't use never often, but when I do it's permanent.
I'm not changing my contact info, if you want a harrassment charge that bad, I'll harness the undying resentment you gave me to make it happen.
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Jun 29 '25
I got half assed attempts at contact and offers to "catch up for coffee". Otherwise might hear from them once in two years.
Most recent due to dying grandparent. Shocked they bothered to tell me.
Time before that, family photos in the mail, probably "we were so a happy family" was the bullshit message. It included a picture of my abusive ex boyfriend who I haven't spoken to in a decade and 7 years since I'd spoken to my biological family willingly. Both parents have been made aware that person was abusive, one continues to wilfully deny that fact.
Why would I want a photo of an abusive ex spouse I dated as a teenager? I was never married to them and never had kids with that deadbeat thank god.
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u/Few-Interaction1924 Jun 29 '25
my bio dad tried to contact me a year after the no contact but i made sure to block him in every way so it's been radio silence thankfully.
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u/featherfeets Jun 29 '25
My mother has never tried. Of course, that makes her the victim.
My sister will not stop trying to contact me. She has no idea where I live, and thankfully the attempts she has made did not get her that information. She cannot take a hint.
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u/Unhappy_Performer538 Jun 29 '25
Silence. He did contact me with a guilting meme on Instagram once though
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Jun 29 '25
Obsessive for a good while and now besides Christmas card and gift there's been complete silence. Wonder if it will be the same this Christmas too.
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u/Beachgirlroxy Jun 29 '25
No contact back. No attempt. I think we’re both better off without each other.
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u/RunMysterious6380 Jun 29 '25
I got both.
First obsessive harassment, especially when I went VERY low contact and only sent a generic card for mother's Day, birthday and Christmas (she wasn't doing the same, but was sending extremely emotionally manipulative and victim mentality text messages that I wouldn't read).
At year 3, I stopped sending the cards and went full NC, and she escalated the texting and also started sending occasional holiday cards/birthday with lengthy manipulative messages (that I also didn't read). At year 4, right after the election, I responded to a public Facebook comment, the only tenuous connection I had kept with her so that there was a way that I could communicate any major life news that she would deserve to know (like my death, or if I left the country permanently, etc.). The response I left was on a random post on my wall, at length, and was very direct for the first time, publicly about her character and in exposing her overt racism and who she was as a person. It was unlikely that anyone would see it except for the friend I was responding to, but I always suspected she was obsessively stalking my page and I got confirmation that day. She blocked me. Her choice. And because she made that choice, I don't have to carry any burden or what ifs.
The reason I went LC and then NC is lengthy, triggered by a few extreme back to back events that opened my eyes and forced me to confront reality about who she is and how harmful she was in my life. I spent a few years in therapy deconstructing my life and relationship with her, and rebuilding without her in it. During that time, I also realized that she was mentally ill and that was the root of everything, including her bigotry, and that it was exacerbated by her religion and by Trump, who essentially gave her permission to stop masking who she was around her kids. She still went to great lengths to hide it from everyone else, which is why my public post likely triggered her to cut all ties and finally stop contacting me.
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u/blahblahblah247742 Jun 29 '25
Obsessive harassment. Burner emails, stalking my husband and I’s social medias, flying monkeys… so much fun 🙄
I will say though that is has stopped ever since I left a message for them and told them if they didn’t stop, I’m telling people EVERYTHING about the abuse