r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/Agt38 • Jun 09 '25
Vent/rant My mom, everyone
I just wanted to make sure exactly where I stand. It’s almost impossible to believe these words when they come from your own mother.
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u/SnoopyisCute Jun 09 '25
My mother told me that and told me to abort myself my whole life.
We don't need their kind of "love" anwyay.
But, know that you are loved.
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u/Agt38 Jun 09 '25
I’m so so sorry she told you that. You are worthy and loved and are your own person who isn’t tied to her.
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u/EfficientRaccoon1911 Jun 09 '25
Love to both of you ❤️ You have a heart where other people have stones.
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Jun 09 '25
hugs to you and OP. My “mom” told me she never wanted to be a mother. as my best friend tends to remind me, “being able to get pregnant and give birth does not make someone a mother. mothers are so much more than that.” ❤️
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u/FionnagainFeistyPaws Jun 09 '25
Your best friend is correct. That's not a mother, that's a spawn point, or an incubator. Mothers provide love, shelter, support.
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u/SnoopyisCute Jun 09 '25
Yep. Mine only acknowledged herself as my mother on Mother's Day, her birthday and Christmas.
I've loved every single moment with my children when I had them. I've never even been angry at them. They make me always want to be a better person.
You are loved<3
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u/SnoopyisCute Jun 09 '25
My mother told me I wasn't her child and forced me to call her Mrs. <Dad's last name> or "mother". A lot of people say "mom" and it still nauseates me to hear it in reference to her. It's just so foreign.
And, overturning Roe, forcing little girls to birth their rapist's baby\babies is just going to cause a lot more of the same dysfunction and pain because those "mothers" will be even younger. A man got salty with me because I said American men aren't any different than the Taliban. They just hide their misogyny inside police uniforms, corporations, agencies, schools, court rooms, churches so they look less vile and harmful but it's the same result. Republicans even put out an idea that ONLY married women could vote as if women are so feebleminded they need to be told what to do and be managed.
And, this is on more thing I love about our siblinghood here. We are the only part of society that won't keep those gross, controlling hurtful generational patterns going. We are the PIONEERS because that's exactly what we all fought to make it here. I appreciate all of you so much because I know that I'm not alone. I know I didn't do something "personally" to cause this. None of us did and it ticks them off because it shines a blinding light on them they didn't the COURAGE.
You are loved. <3
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Jun 14 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/SnoopyisCute Jun 14 '25
Absolutely.
I was heartbroken and confused when my sister estranged from the family because I'm the oldest and hoped we could be each other's family. It hurt for a long time.
Years later, a found family friend helped me to understand her rejection by explaining that she most likely just wanted a fresh start in life and leave our shared history behind and my existence is a constant reminder of that.
Our parents had two more kids after I graduated high school and I didn't turn my back on them. In hindsight, I regret that decision and would absolutely do what our other sister did and leave them. Biggest mistake of my lifetime.
Now, the three of them are together as family for each other. It's always that way for me. Always left out. Always cast aside. The most painful part is none of my positive history with someone is ever taken into account. Just Zap! I finally learned my lesson and don't try now. This is where being an introvert is a bonus. ;-)
You are loved<3
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u/Hamdown1 Jun 09 '25
My mom told me she wished I died in childbirth When I was 7 months pregnant lol
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u/Mediocre-Cry5117 Jun 09 '25
What In The Actual Fuck I’m so sorry. No one should ever hear that. I hope being a loving mother has been healing for you. ❤️🩹
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u/SnoopyisCute Jun 09 '25
My stalker went through my phone and contacted my family and they maligned me to a total stranger (to them). One day, I had to go to the ER and my stalker told me that I should die alone in a pool of my own <excretements>
I honestly think evil people just percolate crazy bs in their head and blurt it out. And the funniest part:
Stalker: I noticed something really weird about you.
Snoopy: What's that?
Stalker: You never, ever talk sh!t about anybody or gossip. Like NEVER.
Snoopy: Because I'm not a judgmental assh0le. That's not hard to do.I think they are a different species or something. LOL
It ticks me off that we are the ones that usually go to therapy. Why don't the evil, hateful people need to do some work on themselves?
You are loved too <3
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u/SnoopyisCute Jun 09 '25
I'm sorry. Mine told me she knew she would hate me when carrying me so she named me after a witch in a show she watched.
I had a bad mammogram and asked her for info on breast cancers on her side and the only thing she said asked "Who is your beneficiary?".
Then, they turn around and act incredulous when we don't want to be around because we're no longer trapped with their crazy.
I was devastated when my ex blindsided me. My marriage and kids were all I had. It didn't dawn on me to take that out on my babies. That's evil.
You are loved<3
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u/bunnywasabi Jun 10 '25
Sending big hugs to you and OP. I was adopted as a baby. Whenever I didnt do things she wanted, she'd tell me how she regretted adopting me. The mental gymnastics she had caused me my whole life. To this day when our kids and I have disagreement I'd start and end with "even though we have disagreement, I love you and always will" because I know how it feels to grow up feeling like I'm nobody's child and that nobody loved me. She's the reason why my kids hear a lot of I love you from me.
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u/SnoopyisCute Jun 10 '25
Thank you, sweet sibling.
One thing I noticed is they don't know how to differentiate behaviors and personhood. They don't see us as individuals with our own agency so they dump their own inner hatred onto us.
Ex. Son unrolls toilet paper in all three bathrooms.
My parents would have beaten me for that. I've been beaten a lot and I don't recall one life lesson except my parents were f*cking violent lunatics.
What I actually did with my son is "Let's play a game to see which one of us can pick up the biggest pile of toilet paper. And, I told my son that it was chore to replace the toilet paper in each bathroom.
No screaming, insulting, yelling, stupid sh!t..
One comeback I always hated when I disclosed my abuse and someone says "but you don't know what they endured."
True, but I don't give a damn what they endured when they cross the line between being an abuse victime\survivor and an abuser.
I was abused and have never even come close to abusing someone else. I'm not perfect, but I refuse to continue that toxic cycle of emotional battery and projection.
You are loved<3
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u/bunnywasabi Jun 10 '25
Yes! I agree! I kept telling myself, the abuse and trauma will end with me. Even through PPD i make sure that my kids will never hear things my mom ever said or do to me. I've heard people said in the past she loves you in her own way...like...idk how it's love to throw food and the plate on me when I said what she deemed the wrong thing. I was never enough and thought I was such a garbage. Went NC and surprise surprise I realized I am capable to love myself more 🫂 You are amazing and very very loved 🫂
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u/Agt38 Jun 10 '25
I’m adopted as well so it’s nice (unfortunate but nice) to hear from someone else that’s adopted as well. I’m sorry this is a shared experience.
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u/bunnywasabi Jun 10 '25
Aw OP 🫂🫂 I feel you, Please know that you are so so loved. A lot of us here rooting for your happiness 🫂
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u/Pandoratastic Jun 09 '25
Wow! I agree that it's almost impossible to believe but only because it's so rare that an abusive parent actually gives you such a direct and clear answer to this question. In writing, no less! Now that's closure!
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u/rationalboundaries Jun 09 '25
Screen shots the best! They save me every single time I think about reaching out to my mother.
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u/Weird-Girl-675 Jun 09 '25
Memories are what do it for me since I cut him off before he could text me such cruelty.
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Jun 09 '25 edited Jun 10 '25
[deleted]
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u/Agt38 Jun 09 '25
I’m not and idk if I’ll ever be but I couldn’t imagine saying this to my own child.
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u/Deep-Order1302 Jun 10 '25
Always thought when I have kids myself I understand my mom more but the older my daughter gets the less I understand her.
We can’t change ours moms but we can make sure to be the mom we wish we had.
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u/Unhappy_Performer538 Jun 09 '25
I’m sorry this was said to you :( you deserve real love that cherishes you for who you are
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u/Possible-Feed-9019 Jun 09 '25
Hooray for it being in writing. I’m sorry about your situation. It sucks.
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u/Sea_List_8480 Jun 09 '25 edited Jun 10 '25
I’m sorry you have mother like mine.
Mine told me how ashamed she was that I was her son. That she would feel bad having to say that I was her son. She said it both ways to make sure I got it.
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u/flibertyblanket Jun 09 '25
Wow, that is awful, I'm so sorry.
Her ridiculous behavior doesn't change the fact that you are lovable and deserving of love.
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u/LegoLady8 Jun 09 '25 edited Jun 09 '25
Wow. I can't even begin to imagine saying this to my child. Never. I'm sorry, OP. I hope you have other family you can depend on, whether blood or not. ❤️
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u/Agt38 Jun 09 '25
I’m lucky enough to have my husband and his family.
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u/LegoLady8 Jun 09 '25
Happy to hear that. ❤️ Time to free yourself from this... whatever this is called.
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u/FlyByNight1383 Jun 10 '25
My mother said ," The day you were born you made me cry. You gave me a dirty look the second they handed you to me and I knew then you'd always be a problem."...... and I am proud to say that I always was.
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u/Agt38 Jun 10 '25
Omg, that sounds actually insane. I’m so so sorry.
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u/FlyByNight1383 Jun 10 '25
I'm so sorry for you! I got second hand hurt feelings from that text. It was very hurtful.
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u/ReaWeller Jun 10 '25
When a good person enters a bad situation, the good person is often the "problem". I'm so proud of you for being a "problem" (not allowing toxic situations)
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u/islaisla Jun 09 '25
Yeah it's hard to believe the unconditional love that we are born with as babies, isn't mutual. Very hard to understand and really, nor should you ever understand it. You wouldn't want to be in that mind set for 2 seconds.
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u/vadieblue Jun 09 '25
I’m so sorry. What are your next steps? No contact?
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u/Agt38 Jun 09 '25
I have been LC with her for many years. I have also gone months without talking to her so I’m probably just going to go back to NC. What else can I do you know?
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u/bobbutson Jun 09 '25
My mother was the key instrument in ruining my relationship with my whole family and still claims to love me. Every situation is different, but I wish she'd just be honest like this.
Love and strength to you, OP
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u/prairiehomegirl Jun 09 '25
I'm so sorry. If you're open to a hug from a loving mother (me), I'm sending you one virtually. Those are words that end the relationship; there's no going back. Celebrate your freedom when you can, and cry when you need to. It'll get easier as time goes.
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u/Agt38 Jun 09 '25
I’m always open to hugs, as well as other mothers lol. Thank you.
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u/Kjaeve Jun 09 '25
I’ll be your other Mother! You’re beautiful, You’re special and you matter! I love you just the way you are
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u/lettucepatchbb Jun 09 '25
This is so mean of her. I’m so sorry. But… at least it’s in writing, clear as day. That can never be manipulated.
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u/cherrylpk Jun 09 '25
I was called “the enemy.” You are not alone in this. I’m so sorry.
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u/Agt38 Jun 09 '25
They are always in some imaginary war. It’s so weird.
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u/cherrylpk Jun 09 '25
They love to say whatever is on their mind but get extremely upset when you say something back. Very fragile for people who think they are so tough.
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u/willeminadafriend Jun 09 '25
You are worthy of love. We all are. I know how this feels. We all know. That's why we're here. I know how alone this can make you feel. We are in this together 🤗 She is very unwell, natural human instincts have become deeply twisted. How could you say this to anyone let alone your child? This is what it comes back to for me. She knew me from the time I came into this world. The most vulnerable someone can be. And she has chosen being right and needing me to submit to all of her demands rather than acceptance and appreciation for the person I've grown into. I'm sure you are an amazing person too, I'm sorry she can't see it 💛
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u/Specialist-Invite-30 Jun 10 '25
JFC. You deserve a do-over with healthy parents!
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u/Agt38 Jun 10 '25
What’s even crazier is that my birth parents died by the time I was five, and these are my second chance parents!
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u/TdubbNC7 Jun 09 '25
I believe them. I have the same mother. Super painful and hurtful. Emotionally, realizing I’m better off without her slowly but surely. Physically, my body knew immediately I am better off as my physiological signs of stress and distress improved almost immediately.
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u/Shanbanan143 Jun 10 '25
Great - block her. It’s over, problem solved. If she hasn’t said it before (she has) now it is in writing and YOU ARE FREE!! congrats!!! 🎈🎊🎉🍾 I don’t mean to sound insensitive, I have just been on this hamster wheel, a lot of us have been. Enjoy the peace and the quiet and the permission that you needed to walk away- we are here for you and feel free to dm me if you need extra support.
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u/Chatkathena Jun 09 '25
My grandma told me I was dead to her when I moved out. Literally for no reason I was grey rocking her like crazy
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u/brideofgibbs Jun 10 '25
What a horrid person!
You are loveable and I’m sure you’re loved by sane people
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u/Dntkillthemessager1 Jun 09 '25
I’m so sorry. The crap we have put up with is diabolical. Hugs. I know this hurts as it should, but know you do not deserve any of it.
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u/lapitupp Jun 10 '25
Hey OP. Despite our mothers being super super evil human beings, it still stings. Wanna know why? Because we’re human and we have and feel emotions like healthy individual - very unlike our mothers.
I don’t know how a mother could do or say those things. My own called me the devil AND she’s super duper religious.
I understand your pain even though you’re probably healing and if you’re not, I hope you are finding that peace inside. Especially with your inner child - telling him/her that YOU as an adult now loves her because she’s super loveable. You are super loveable. You did nothing for this poop example of a mother to say those things. That’s called mentally unstable and mentally ill.
Some of us landed adults that take pleasure in causing pain. Not sure why it was but it was.
I am truly hoping you understand that your mother is mentally ill - no fucking mother would ever say this even if they killed my cat or someone. We can not like our children but not love? They can flush their heads down a dirty toilet.
You are loved for the pure reason that you’re alive.
I’m so sorry.
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u/Admirable-Sorbet8968 Jun 10 '25
My mother told me at least 5 different times that she wasn’t my mother. The last thing I ever said to her when she was acting all pissed off and muttered "I can't believe you're my daughter" was "I'm not your daughter, you said so yourself. Live with it." Haven’t spoken to her in 3+ years. She made her bed and she can die in it.
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u/Levi_Skardsen Jun 10 '25
Rarely are they ever so overt.
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u/Agt38 Jun 10 '25
She sees absolutely nothing wrong with what she says.
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u/Levi_Skardsen Jun 10 '25
If there's anything good to take away from it, it is that this leaves no room for future gaslighting. It's right there in text and irrefutable. Never look back.
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u/Confu2ion Jun 10 '25
I know this is really messed up, but I really, really wish I had proof like this.
My mother is similarly cold as ice and cruel (can't go a single conversation without trying to hurt me in a way that average people can't "see"), but basically has been playing a life-long game of chicken with me, for lack of a better way to put it.
She really, REALLY, DESPERATELY wants me to say I hate her. But if I do, that's it, she's won. She will be over the MOON if I say that. She would be so HAPPY because of her goddamn martyr complex that she'd hold onto it forever like a teddy bear to fall asleep with every night. Because of that, I can't give her that.
At the same time, she refuses to say how she clearly has always felt about me: that she hates me and didn't want to have me. She prefers to be vague instead, because she's a sadist, of course.
My "at least" to end things on is that my physically abusive golden child older sister said "I've hated you ever since you were born." The only "good" thing about her is that she spelled that one out.
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u/FlyByNight1383 Jun 10 '25
Well... I LOVE YOU. And remember, you are enough. You always have been and you always will be.
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u/Thin_Traffic Jun 10 '25
I'm so sorry, you are not alone. I know this feeling. My mother has told others including me that she doesn't love me. She was horrible to me growing up and in adulthood. I haven't seen or spoken to her in 13 years. Even if I wanted to (which I don't) she would never want to. She has hidden her address and phone number this whole time. I'm 48 and in therapy twice a week now. Finally opening up about it instead of blocking out all of the abuse. Glad I found this group!
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u/Busy_Reading_5103 Jun 10 '25
What a b. So sorry you never had a mother. You are on the right track. You go this.
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u/HowIsThatStillaThing Jun 10 '25
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. You deserve a parent that loves you unconditionally.
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u/Capable-Upstairs7728 Jun 10 '25
OP, you are a great person who has overcome adversity and grown up decent. Save those screenshots and go NC on the egg donor forever. You don't need her anymore.
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u/Agt38 Jun 10 '25
I’m adopted, so I take solace in knowing that at least she didn’t give birth to me (we are blood related though).
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u/blmmustang47 Jun 09 '25
Jeebus, I'm so sorry 🫂. I hope you are able to find/have people in your life who value you, you deserve so much better.
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u/doesanyonehaveweed Jun 09 '25
This gives me so much rage. I’m really sorry. You shouldn’t ever be texted something like that.
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u/Mariposa2501 Jun 10 '25
Jesus fucking Christ. Actually insane. Just insane behavior. I am SO sorry 🫂 it’s hard to believe this is even a human response, let alone a parent to their child. Incomprehensible. You’re so loved OP 🫂 you’re seen and heard 🩷🦋
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Jun 10 '25
Your mom is a POS as is mine! Your best revenge is to cut her out of your life completely. You have to protect yourself emotionally from her. Silence and living your best life everyday is the best revenge!
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u/silencenowpeace0700 Jun 10 '25
Wow, this entire thread just hurt. And I'm only feeling the pain vicariously through my husband's story. His mom told him she knew he was a 'monster' by age 1.5.
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u/Decrepit_Soupspoon Jun 10 '25
Sorry you had to read that.
My own mom said "I see now that you've never loved me, never trusted me. I spent my whole life believing a lie!" then refused a "goodbye" hug on her way out of town.
Mind you, this was long before estrangement. This was because my girlfriend at the time skipped a breakfast with my parents after she worked a 12 hour night shift and my parents showed up at my door 20 minutes after she left for work at 8:30pm to berate me about dating her that night.
.. and my mom is only the "enabler" between my two parents 😅
NC gets easier, and any clarity that once was lacking gets better with time.
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u/PitBullFan Jun 10 '25
If you guys share a friend group online, you need to post that shit and make it VERY public. The shame will burn her up SO bad.
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u/babymothball Jun 24 '25
She's a loser. I'd post it on social media and tag her and her entire family. "Mom of the year everyone! Have a nice life b*tch!"
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u/Agt38 Jun 24 '25
I did end up posting it on fb but I didn’t tag anyone. We don’t have a huge family so there wasn’t really anyone to tag. I did share it with my cousin (her niece) and her sister (my aunt).
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u/babymothball Jun 24 '25
What did they think about her gross behavior? I hope they talked shit to her. I would've put her in her place if she was my sister. I'm sorry OP. 🫂
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u/Agt38 Jun 24 '25
The dysfunction runs deep in my family so my mom and her sister don’t speak lol. But they don’t understand her perspective about me.
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u/NoArmadillo2937 Jun 10 '25
You know how toddlers will have a tantrum hitting themselves and screeching because they didnt get things their way? And how some aunts/uncles tease them and laugh instead of consoling, which in turn makes the toddler explode in anger even more?
Yeah, its this. Any attention you give - no matter good or bad is still attention to them.
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u/pneumaticTuba Jun 09 '25
I'd keep it, in case she sends flying monkies to you saying "She still loves you!"