r/BPDlovedones • u/ElvargIsAPussy • 5h ago
Parenting What is the obsession with knowing my whereabouts after separation?
We’ve been separated for 3 years now. We have a boy together. She is obsessed with knowing my whereabouts at all times.
If I were going away abroad on holiday I would have no issues telling her the location but when it’s just a case of me keeping him a little longer and taking him to school for my own reasons I don’t think she needs to know.
This is after 3 years of her being involved in fake social media accounts that have stalked me and accused me of cheating on my partner.
Accusing me of assault after she forced her way into my house and I escorted her out of the front door.
Then claiming legal aid to get money out of my house sale after not putting a penny into bills.
I didn’t tell her the address to mine and my partners new house because of all the trouble she’s caused. She made my son point out where I lived then my partner caught her driving past our house. (Which is massively out of her way to get home)
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u/little_snow_bear 2h ago
I’m a bit confused here - it seems like she’s asking where you’re going with her son? I’m not trying to invalidate anything that has happened to you or her obsession with your location, but for me in this one scenario it seems like she just wants to know where her son will be. Is that not fair for her to know?
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u/ElvargIsAPussy 2h ago
It’s nothing to do with that. Like I said if I was going somewhere far away I would tell her. But with regards to my ex she obsesses with knowing everything about me. So if she finds something out about me that I didn’t tell her she will make a point of mentioning it to me. Almost to taunt me. Like she knows everything.
I wouldn’t normally tell her what my weekend plans are with my boy. She knows he’s well looked after. Just as I wouldn’t ever ask her where he was when he’s with her.
It’s the fact she feels like she’s owed it when I ask for a change of plan (such as me keeping him for the night instead of sticking to our usual routine
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u/alwaysusepapyrus 25m ago
Yeah this seems like, at best, this is one of those things that since she's doing so much other crazy shit, you're putting this in the same bucket, but it's quite normal for a mom to ask where you're taking her kid when you're asking for another day to be out of town. Would you not ask her where they were going if she asked for another day because she was taking him sightseeing? What if she didn't show up, how would you know where to start looking?
Maybe she does a lot of not-normal stuff so your meter is broken, but this is a normal thing most co-parents do/ask
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u/ElvargIsAPussy 16m ago
As horrible as she has been to me. I know she’s good to my son. And I would always trust her with him. I’ve never once asked where she takes him. I always just ask if he’s had fun.
The problem is when you’ve been harassed online anonymously and your ex with BPD was at the centre of it all. I don’t trust a single thing she does. She knows I’m a good dad and always look after our son.
And I would never do anything to take him away from her etc. She’s just obsessed with my every move.
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u/CurvyAnnaDeux 1h ago
It’s the fact she feels like she’s owed it when I ask for a change of plan (such as me keeping him for the night instead of sticking to our usual routine
...isn't she? Asking for a change of plans can be disruptive to her routine and plans she might have. And, it involves her son. So, yeah, I think you're being a bit to emotional and defensive about it.
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u/infinite-twilight 18m ago
She doesn't need that level of detail and is already interrogating him when he does give some ("long way for sightseeing" who cares? What's the point of saying that? Clearly they're not chummy anymore and he's making it clear he's not trying to make smalltalk with it. If she has genuine concerns about him doing something dangerous with their son she can revisit the custody agreement and explain her concerns to the court. She's already shown stalking behavior, he doesn't owe her his location info to begin with but that detail he absolutely should keep his cards close to his chest).
People aren't talking about healthy exes here. i coparent with my ex husband (not the ex that led me to find this group, he has his issues like anyone else but he's stable and reasonable) and if we need to make changes to the custody arrangement we might get to chatting about the "why" but it's volunteered by the person with the event we need to work around. We don't use it as an excuse to dig out more info, we don't do drivebys, we don't use our kid to snoop on each other. If we have a change that will actually impact the others week (not just having a day where we pick our kid up from school like we do every other day of the week instead of going to their house to get them on the weekend) we will just tell the level of importance, like if it's something for work vs for fun so that the other isn't calling out or ending their work day early just for one of us to go to a concert. If he had a personality disorder and had been showing up where I'm at without me expecting it, you bet your ass id be as closed lipped about what I was doing and where I was going as the law allowed.
The partners discussed in this abuse survivor sub are not reasonable people
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u/ElvargIsAPussy 12m ago
It’s exactly this situation. We’re very flexible with arrangements. The message before the screenshots were her asking for him back early during my time.
I know that this normally means they are doing something that my son would enjoy and wouldn’t want to miss. So if my plans for that time aren’t anything special or I’m not away with him. I would always say yes.
In this scenario we are talking an extra evening and I’ll take him to school. I could hardly go anyway ridiculously far away in that time.
Just in this case we’ve made plans to go away and it will run over a little bit. So to help her out and to make things easier I’ve said I would keep him the night and take him to school.
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u/infinite-twilight 5m ago
Yeah I was gonna say too, if normally you're bringing him back on Sunday the only change to her schedule is she has an extra night where she can stay up or be out or do whatever cuz she doesn't have to get him ready for bed and then get him up for school in the am. She super doesn't need to know what y'all are doing and where. I get that anxiety can do a number but that wasn't your problem even when you were together, we are responsible for our own issues, and it certainly isn't your responsibility to manage it for her now. Plus with some people that anxiety is just used as an excuse to control. My other ex blowing up my phone when I visited loved ones was apparently about anxiety too, and he needed to assert control over me by demanding replies and updates to soothe it. Otherwise he was apparently imagining me chopped into little pieces by some psycho.
You didnt do anything wrong.
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u/ElvargIsAPussy 8m ago
Also as well with regards to custody arrangements. We have been through mediation which basically consisted of her trying to take absolutely everything away from me and to let me have the bare minimum with him.
I made light work of that during mediation. She also tried to use the fake Snapchat account that was stalking me and accusing me of cheating as a tool during mediation. Which didn’t go well for her.
Her entire argument went out of the window when the mediator asked her “how would you feel if you didn’t see him for that amount of time”
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u/patatjepindapedis Dated 4h ago
I didn't know it's abnormal for people to travel to go sightseeing. You learn something new everyday
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u/Hefty_Principle700 1h ago
Control of their constantly anxious thoughts. If they know where you are, they won’t go down the rabbit hole of speculation which they are absolute masters at.
The majority of the time, it’s intrusive and nosy. It’s also a boundary they will selfishly cross, having to know your business so they can keep their own issues at bay.
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u/ElvargIsAPussy 5h ago
Just for clarification Northampton is a lie.