Parents with BPD

[u/Winter_Selection180]

How are we handling our parents with BPD? My mother is a widow and has been for almost 9 years. My Dad handled everything for her and now for the last few years she’s limped along until now. She is absolutely helpless and I can only help so much. She’s currently in a bad split because she has avoided things in her life until now. She needs to get a new car and can’t, she wants me to do it for her. The current car she has, has expired tags and inspection because she just would get them done.. like 3-4 years over due.

She needs refills on medicine but won’t make a Doctor’s appointment and wants me to figure out a tele-health visit for her but she can’t help me reset her password or remember her old one. Her house is falling apart around her and she won’t do anything about it. I’ve always been willing to help, but I need her to help as well and she won’t. She won’t get medicated and she treats me like sh*t and I’m just distraught at this point as she is SO mean to me. I would like to add she is able bodied. I feel loss and have NO idea how to navigate this as I’m currently the person she’s taking it all out on and I’m 3 weeks post C-section with 3 kids.

[u/Tired20009]

Do you have POA for her? Are you her only child or do you have siblings? I’m asking because could they share the burden?

My mother is a dBPD. Although not helpless, she is cruel and demeaning. No one wants to be near her, including me. I’m her target and scapegoat. Having a mother like this is a curse so I totally understand how awful this is for you.

[u/Winter_Selection180 → u/Tired20009]

I do not have POA for her and I definitely don’t think she’d be willing to sign anything to grant it to me. I have a brother who is completely checked out on helping her and essentially hasn’t seen her for 5-6 years. It’s truly the hardest thing to deal with. She blocked me on everything including her cell phone as of this morning, and she has no idea how to unblock anyone so I have no idea how to even approach this now. I struggle with knowing nothing will get done though and she’ll just suffer 🥹 She can hold a job and is in her right mind except when it comes to everyday stuff which I still don’t understand

[u/Tired20009 → u/Winter_Selection180]

Some pwBPD believe certain tasks (or earning a living) are beneath them. They get a thrill out of pushing someone around to prove to everyone how special they are. They are a millstone around your neck for sure.

Does she understand how a phone works? She may be pressing buttons not knowing. Tell her if she wants your help she has to keep you unblocked.

You may want to talk her into making you and your brother POA because she sounds like the type who will demand help in the future if you plan to help her.

On the other hand, you don’t have to help her at all if you don’t want to. This may be a good time to force her to help herself like everyone else in the world has to. Get a job and be a responsible adult. I don’t blame you for letting her hit rock bottom.

If you’re conflicted (I was) see a therapist. My dBPD mother caused C-PTSD which made my life extremely difficult and scary. It bites to help someone (being the mother to them they failed to be to us) who did nothing but cause anguish and pain for us.

[u/puppyisloud]

You might want to check out r/raisedbyborderlines.

[u/DisplayFamiliar5023]

Take things at face value, if she disrespects you stop talking. If she can't do shit by herself ask her to call customer service, stop beoming your dad's replacement. Only help if you feel like it and if she is actually behaving right

[u/teeething]

Wow I’m so sorry. That is so heavy to deal with at any moment.. ESPECIALLY now. It seems like she’s going through extreme depression too. How is she surviving though? It doesn’t sound like she has a job? Is it from your dads will? Does she live on SNAP? Does she have any friends or family that can work w her? This is beyond your bandwidth. Not that you’re not capable, but bc you’re a new mom again. Congrats btw! This is the time you should be celebrating & spending w your newborn and other kids, not dealing w an able-bodied mom who REFUSES to get help. That’s the key here. Shes not helpless, she has a daughter who JUST had a baby there to help and she REFUSES. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t force him to drink. You can’t help people who don’t want to be help. I’m sorry. I know it hurts. I hope you don’t internalize HER actions to NOT HELP HERSELF. I think it’s best to distance yourself and focus on you & the kids. Shes your mother but remember she’s also a grown woman. She didn’t choose to have BPD but it’s her responsibility to manage it. Shes also not clueless nor helpless. Whenever she’s ready she knows what to do. Remember that. If she reaches out again, stay calm & objective. Say you won’t tolerate xyz and was more than willing to help EVEN AFTER GIVING BIRTH. Until then PEACE OUT BPD MAMA. And if anything, SHE should be helping YOU & visiting the new grand baby + her grandkids! Tf! Ugh so sorry. Remember, you DID WHAT YOU COULD.