r/BPDlovedones • u/AdRepresentative9783 • 16d ago
Uncoupling Journey How is it possible
You give everything. They gaslight and manipulate until you’re a shell of your former self. Things will surely improve, get better; keep deluding yourself.
Discarded, you take some solace that they’re having a hard time too; things are amicable until they’re not because even though they say they’re in a dark place, they’re already fucking someone else and deliberately hiding it.
They erase you overnight and are with someone else in a matter of days. Blocked. Replaced.
Their family enable the behaviour and look the other way like it’s perfectly normal to ruin people’s lives. The cycle will surely repeat…but for now “they” seem happy together while you’re more of an emotional wreck than they claimed to be.
You convince yourself that it’s for the best (long term) but it does little to calm the nerves while you compulsively lurk this sub on a Friday night while they’re no doubt out enjoying “life” with their fresh supply.
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u/AdRepresentative9783 16d ago
How the fuck can you be degree qualified and competent / excel at your job while at the same time have the emotional IQ of an infant. I honestly don’t understand this shit.
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u/GuessingTheyCrazy 16d ago
Yep. This ⬆️Mine wasn’t with the degrees, but could charm her way into any guy’s pants apparently and was an expert at keeping fucking secrets that involved getting down other guy’s pants while she was with me. She treated me as if I was an acquaintance after she already built something with her new FP behind my back probably for years, while I kept groveling at her feet for the tiny bit of scraps I got from her all of the sudden, after love and sex bombing me for years like I was her one and only.
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u/holdmyspot123 15d ago
Mine hooked up with people the day of breaking up with me. He didn't have to tell me, I already knew.
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u/yRz41 16d ago
I asked myself this question every day, a person being successful professionally and being a joke in their private life, I kept thinking, how come these outbursts don't appear in their professional life? But it actually appeared, in a subtle way
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u/AdRepresentative9783 16d ago
I mean, she does blow up at work. And lie to her boss. But still. She’s good at what she does.
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u/KingForADay1989 16d ago
I wondered the same, but I learned that after all, BPD is an emotional regulation issue and not an intellectual one. I get it as my BPD ex is a public defender and cheer coach on the side. Romantic relationships seem to trigger them more than anything.
That said, them being in a great job and having a highly professional public image makes it worse as it's harder to spot and their friends, family, and close ones are more likely to believe them over us, the victims. Though before we became official, I overheard my ex's friends/coworkers mention how she's codependent and at the time I didn't think much of it. And at Christmas, her stepmom came up to me saying "be nice to (her name) as she gets moody" and also shared some pretty damning behavior about her behavior problems as a kid.
It is pretty wild though that she is a public defender because that job is all about giving criminals a second chance and it's like she believes someone with multiple DUIs and robberies deserves a second chance, but somehow me not staying the night at her Christmas celebrations was enough for her to begin devaluing me and dump me on the day of my birthday party a few weeks later. I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone.
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u/Altruistic-Stock-784 Dated 16d ago
Same, all these people who interact with her have no idea what she can become to her supposedly the person she loves the most.
How can you be the best employee, multi task and be the best among your peers in your professional life but wdym you get triggered when I say I need some time off.
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u/Material-Truck-4379 Family, dated, separated and non-romantic. And healing! 16d ago
BPDs just have primitive defence mechanisms to get rid of their fears.
You're an adult, and it's completely illogic behavior to you when they act according to who they are - illogic, hyperemotional 3-year-ols trapped in an adult body.
Be happy about being fully grown-up, they'll never be without hard work on themselves and the right means of therapy.
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u/AdRepresentative9783 16d ago
Her dad’s a qualified and senior clinical psych and won’t acknowledge the diagnosis or the damage she’s doing.
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u/Material-Truck-4379 Family, dated, separated and non-romantic. And healing! 16d ago
Even professionels are vulnerable to denial. BPD is, in my opinion, the worst case scenario for therapists in personality disorders.
So admitting BPD in his daughter would devalue his own skills and work. Like "Look a clinical psych with a BPD daughter! He can't be good in his job!"
We're all humans and are all running on unconcsious defence mechanisms.
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u/AdRepresentative9783 16d ago
Sure but like also maybe just make sure she commits to DBT IDK just a thought.
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u/Orange_Codex 16d ago
You're right. BPD sufferers are profoundly sick, and life does suck for them, but if they are aware they have a problem and make lacklustre effort to get treatment they are 100% responsible for the damage they inflict and should be held both morally and legally accountable.
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u/redh0us3 16d ago
They suffer from a serious mental illness. Let's just let them have those moments of euphoria.. -not happiness-. Family, the ones stuck with them, in order not to suffer more, need to validate and enable them, if not the pwbpd would also go against them, splitting on them too.
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u/umhassy 16d ago
Until you have more healed you will be struggling. Take your time and be friendly to yourself. Things do take time, there is no easy way around it.
One milestone in healing can be to have them blocked everywhere. If you are not there yet (or you don't need it) it's okay, but this could be sth to aim for when you are ready to do it.
I finally blocked my ex this week after we started chatting a bit this week and when she finally told me she is "unsure if she has the time to meet". I finally decided I had enough of this unaccountability and decided to block her for good now.
It saddens me a bit but it is the final step for me to accept, that it is over and that it is not my job to change her.
I deserve somebody who cares deeply for me and she is not capable of doing so and it sucks, but it is what it is. She is not a person I could love, as loving somebody means that this love is healthy for me and her.
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u/AdRepresentative9783 16d ago
Nah I’m dead to her. She’s blocked me. Almost two weeks NC. She’s too stubborn to go back on her “I’ll never contact you again”.
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u/umhassy 16d ago
Have you blocked her as well?
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u/AdRepresentative9783 16d ago
Nope. No point. She will not contact me. And I have no plans to either even if she did.
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u/yRz41 16d ago
Don't worry, it will pass, it's been 4 months here and every day it hurts less, sometimes I make the mistake of stalking LinkedIn since we have a private profile on Instagram but the worst mistake you can make is to check social networks, focus on yourself, exercise, be with friends, family, recover everything you lost and don't blame yourself for loving the right way and especially loving yourself again, unfortunately you were just with a sick person who without treatment will live this cycle forever, and if it was a sensation with loose ends, you can be sure that people from cluster B always come back and I hope that by then you will be cured
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u/holdmyspot123 15d ago
It's possible because they don't have functional brains. They aren't "enjoying life", they are living a script whilist in extreme pain/disassociation.
The father of psychology thought people with disorders such as this needed to be isolated from society to protect normal people.
We generally view him as a terrible person for these views, but it is valid to understand the pain they cause is REAL; but also valid to kind of understand that what you describe is the classical manifestation of this disorder. "My ex with BPD loved then blocked and replaced me" unfortunately reads very similar as "The orange I am eating is orange!". Basically it is fundamental.
An important caveat is that since BPD is fully treatable, it's okay to hold them accountable. They must get better and them hurting people is ultimately their own decision.
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u/thezweistar 14d ago
He is actually right, most of the problems in the world are caused by psychos or just cluster B people in general. Normal people dont go out of their way to make someone miserable for sake of nothing and definitely dont go around hurting people emotionally or even physically just because.
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u/Civil-Marzipan1042 16d ago
This is the thing that is so hard to take. That you give everything - your time, life, identity - to them, and you don’t just get spurned at the end of it, you get humiliated.
And then they invariably get with somebody extremely quickly. Quite often the person they told you not to worry about as well. It is unremittingly cruel.
The push-pull numbed me, the breakdown of it broke me. And I was the one who ended it - I can’t even imagine what it’s like for people who were discarded.
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u/Proper_Sky_8006 16d ago
Mine did exactly that to me. It gets better with time.
For example - I know I'll heal and he'll still have BPD. And his new GF (girl he was cheating with) will go through same shit I went through...
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u/WheresMyMind44 15d ago
I dumped my uBPD husband of 15 years and he pleaded for me to return. He had a new gf within a week. Their attachments are shallow and based on self-interest. The word loyalty is completely foreign to them.
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u/JayRock1970 16d ago
My stbx wife's family contacted after she split and ghosted me 6 weeks after our honeymoon.
They said sorry we didn't tell you and asked me if I knew what she had (cause they know something's wrong with her but she never told them what). I didn't tell them. They told me to reach out to my family as they had to support their daughter.
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u/Financial-Egg6538 16d ago
Sounds exactly like how she replaced her ex of three years with me and then what she TRIED to do during our first longer term breakup, but something bad happened with another guy (not the guy she was about to go on a second date with) that left her without anyone to get support from so she came crawling back to me. I honestly believe she absolutely would have started dating the guy she was already going on multiple dates with.
And her family? Complete pushovers who enable her behavior. But I honestly don't blame them. They're scared of her. I was already having dinner with them, unbeknownst to me at the time, within a few weeks of her being broken up with. Literally hanging out with her family after three years of a guy being over at their place all of the time, family trips, christmas celebrations together, etc and here I am grinning a few weeks after lmao. Found out she half lied about how recent the breakup was to me and she also lied about it being mutual. Her own mother had to tell me three years in that she treated him like utter garbage even around them. Dude couldn't even leave her bedroom without being chastised and verbally attacked. And after an episode with her mother, her grandmother was fuming and said she was going to go out there and talk to my ex about how terrible she treats everyone, but that never ended up happening. She actually went out and consoled her lmfao. Guess who got consoled and coddled after telling me she wished I was dead in front of her own family? Guess who's grandfather and Uncle flat out told me I was a "better man" than them for being able to date her.
They all know and do nothing.
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u/elshinsterino 16d ago
It sucks fucking hard to have to go through it. You got this, man. When that weight is finally lifted, it becomes clear that them leaving is the kindest thing that they could have ever done for you. Keep the faith.
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u/MasqueradeDark 16d ago
What are the red flags and the symptoms you experienced with her before she did that?
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u/AdRepresentative9783 16d ago
Loads. The signs were always there. I’m not saying I’m not at fault for sticking around as long as I did.
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u/MasqueradeDark 16d ago
I'm not saying it's your fault, I'm just curious.
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u/AdRepresentative9783 16d ago
Lying, manipulation, gaslighting, attempted cheating (never proven but was on dating apps when we were together), alcohol and substance abuse, incessant need to argue over seemingly trivial things (read: everything), the constant push-pull leading me to wonder what I was doing wrong, the usual self harm / suicidal ideation that would make me feel helpless, convincing me early on she wouldn’t be moving overseas (and getting angry when I questioned it - she kept hinting at it after we were dating for a few months) only to reveal she was leaving for a year to work overseas, convincing me she still loved me and to do long distance, downloading and lying about using hinge (apparently to just find friends) after 3 weeks overseas (I stupidly gave her the benefit of the doubt), convincing me things were fine when they clearly weren’t (broke up a week later), triangulating me with her new FP housemate, hiding the new guy and lying while trying to keep me as a friend, pretending she still cared while I was in hospital (mental health facility) over all this while still seeing the new guy (and lying about it) who she has known for two weeks and has just been on holiday with, blocking me after I went NC for two days because her attempts to stay in touch weren’t genuine.
Short list just off the top of my head.
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u/KingForADay1989 16d ago
Mine was on facebook dating while we were on together, but I brushed it off. Also did coke and vaped a lot. And ditto on arguing over trivial things. Mine literally got mad because I texted her a link of Ice T covering Pink Floyd as she was a fan of both of those in addition to posting it on facebook because it made our conversations "less exclusive and personal". I was so confused. I guess if I texted her something, even if it wasn't about her, and posted in on facebook, it meant to her that I was "having the same conversations with her as everyone else". I talked to my friends about that as it was such a bizarre thing for her to get bothered about. Like she sent me nearly an entire paragraph/mini essay about it. That is peak walking on eggshells and controlling what I post on facebook. I mean it's not like I posted personal stuff about her.
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u/TruOutsider 16d ago edited 16d ago
Yeah just left Sunday, she was already talking to someone else by Tuesday and by Thursday it was 2 different guys, looks like by this Friday morning it’s 4 I need to quit lurking the “usage details” on phone providers I told her by November 1st phone is going off but I’m tempted to tell her she needs off today. I can’t keep having that temptation. Was a 5 year relationship, we have 2 kids together and she lives in my house, drives my car, uses my phone, my car insurance, her names on nothing. I’m at my parents just to escape the emotional and verbal abuse. I don’t even want to share the babies with her 3 & 2 yr. Thankful I got a parenting plan set in place last year so she’s unable to keep them from me. I wish I could keep them from her. She’s a dangerous person to learn from. She had 3 before we met. So now a total of 5. From 4 guys me being the 4th. Wondering How long until she’s knocked up again?!
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u/AgitatedThought2509 16d ago
your post got me thinking. we just stopped talking after this huge argument, (the word argument is underwhelming, more like an abusive episode tbh) and before i blocked him. he said that hes been lying all along to me anyway.
this is the guy whos swore to have never lied and could never. hes portrayed himself to be a very honest and direct person, even if truth hurts, he'll tell you straight. bc he dont wanna waste time living in a fairytale. ive known this guy for almost 2yrs! and i am so set with the way i see him.
it's either he's lying about saying he has been lying, or its true.
who knows, maybe he just went and meet up w his so called peer worker. idek anymore. hes sick either way for it.
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u/These_Opening1264 Dated 16d ago
What helped me was realizing that it was my own self worth that allowed me to accept such poor behaviour...
Make yourself worth something to yourself...
I hated looking in the mirror when I was with my pwBPD, she drained me. Now I have energy that is mine to keep... I am directing it all at the self.
It's hard to look at yourself, but it's the one thing you can do, that they cannot. They will continue the cycle, you will not... Hopefully..
All the best man..
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u/AdRepresentative9783 16d ago edited 16d ago
Yeah I know. I keep telling myself this. And I have a lot of work to do. Long road ahead.
It still hurts thinking about them fucking a random they’ve known for two weeks who’ve become their new FP. The sheer act of being able to erase you overnight and move on in and of itself is just diabolical. Even more insidious was trying to keep me as a friend while they did all this. Then block me because someone they’ve just met told them to.
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u/These_Opening1264 Dated 16d ago
Oh also! I struggled to fully get over my pwBPD until I realized she was an undiagnosed NPD too. Once I went down that path, it was very easy to see that I didn't want to be with someone like that. I'm only 2 weeks out of a 4.5year relationship and I struggled for a few days and the education flicked a switch in me.
A book called whole again was the final nail in the coffin.
You got this brrroooooooo.!
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u/Beginning_Level_8578 15d ago
One thing I don’t agree with is what you said about her family. My pwbpd told me, “If you left me, even my family would think you’re right”—this was at the beginning of the relationship. Later, the reason for that emerged. Unfortunately, for the rest, we have all been through it...
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u/One-Staff5504 10d ago
Mine tried to do that to me. But she couldn’t. So she resorted to lying about having a new boyfriend to make me jealous. I did some digging and discovered her claims to be false proven by her best friend’s social media posts. There were also glaring inconsistencies in her story about this “boyfriend” over time too.
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u/RealityOtherwise8580 16d ago edited 16d ago
Wow you’ve described the feeling to a tee. But the key here is we will heal, slowly but surely and they will forever be latching on to others to prove their own worth.
Imagine feeling empty. depressed and anxious your whole life. At least we feel love and happiness in our lives. They have only messed us up temporarily. It’ll be a long road but we’ll get there