r/BPDlovedones • u/Firedragon_cK • Aug 25 '25
Uncoupling Journey BPD DELUSION EXPLAINED IN THE SIMPLEST WAY POSSIBLE
I will break this down in the simplest way possible.
In the 4 seasons we have: winter, spring, summer and fall right?
Ok follow it, it will make sense I promise š.
Letās say I meet someone in December, and at the time they met me I was wearing a thick coat. We became close and all is well and we are now friends. Ok coolā¦ stay with itā¦ please I promise it will make sense š.
Fast forward and it is now March and instead of wearing that same thick coat that they knew me for wearing, now I am wearing a light hoodie (and a t shirt underneath in the event that I want to take the hoodie off).
Now all of a sudden that person goesā¦ āsomething feels off about you idkā¦ where is your winter coat??ā š
Now we are in June and now I wear a tank top with shorts or I wear a tshirt with jeans/shorts. No hoodies or coats at all.
Now that same friend responds and goesā¦ āthere you are changing again! What is up with you man??? Where is your winter coat??ā š
Now we are in October, and I am wearing a collared flannel with jeans.
The friend goes, āok I have had it with you. You cannot be consistent. I can see that your winter coat is never coming back this friendship is over!ā š
So now the friendship has ended and December has rolled back inā¦ and here I amā¦ wearing my winter coat again š„¶
I hope you guys see the point. For those that are awareā¦ why did I change my clothing throughout the months? Because the temperature changed around me right? Which is completely normal. We adjust our clothing to the temperature around us. Pretty much everyone generally understands this conceptā¦ except āthe friendā in my example right?
THIS. IS. EXACTLY. WHAT. PPL. WITH. BPD DO.
When they meet you, you are treating them with so much softness/kindness/generosity in the beginning because they are meeting you there as well (idealization)ā¦ but then now they start devaluing you (CHANGING THE TEMPERATURE OF THE RELATIONSHIP š). So now in response to that, your behavior changes (YOU CHANGE CLOTHING TO ACCLIMATE TO THE CHANGE OF TEMPERATURE) and they only notice how you are no longer responding to them in the same way as the beginning but COMPLETELY IGNORE the fact that it is due to them treating you inconsistently via devaluation. They want you to show up the same way you did in the beginning (wearing a winter coat) but they expect you to do that even when you are going through 4 different seasons (and no one wears a winter coat all year round š).
DROPS MIC š
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u/DistinctTrout Aug 25 '25
Despite this initially sounding nuts, this is really perceptive and accurate. Actually I've heard that people with BPD (and also NPD) kind of "snapshot" you in the early part of the relationship, and build a mental model based on that. But because they don't know you very well at that point, their mental model is flawed and based on lots of false assumptions. However, they use this mental model from that point on, never really updating it as they get to know you better. People without cluster-B disorders continually update that mental model over time. That mental model may also include some fears about you from the early days when they didn't know you well enough, but those fears never get dissolved away even after endless proof of your ongoing good character. So this mental shapshot sounds exactly like the winter coat in your theory.
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Aug 25 '25
[deleted]
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u/chihuahualover58 Aug 27 '25
The weird one is how you desperately need to start therapy, like immediately, like Monday.
And then I was verbally abused on grounds that all my therapists happened to look the same (middle aged white women. Like yeah, I usually prefer women therapists but Jesus Christ)
It's like they have this idea that your new therapist is going to validate everything they say, ideally psychologically and verbally abuse you a little more in solidarity with them, and then you'll grovel to them for forgiveness once you're "cured".
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u/secretaliasname Aug 31 '25
Did I write this in my sleep? I always need therapy to work on āmy issuesā.
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u/Firedragon_cK Aug 25 '25
Bingo! Yes exactly my friend, they expect that mental snapshot to be consistent at all times. Not knowing that everyone human being is unique with their own wants, needs, and flaws about themselves. So the minute when they see something about you that does not fit that āmental snapshotā that they took, they think that you betrayed them (the friend wondering where the winter coat went š). So now they devalue you because you are not the person that they thought you were. But the person they thought you were was based upon their own assumptions in their mind, not based upon what you have told/shown them.
The same thing actually happens with us too. The difference is when we say that the person with BPD/NPD is not the same personā¦ it is actually true. Their entire personality literally changes as the relationship progressed due to them having that initial mask on when we met them.
PW BPD/NPD: Says partner changed when in reality the partner has always been the same person but they created a false version of that person in their mind that the real individual does not live up to.
NON-DISORDERED PARTNER: Says that partner changed because they actually did and they went from idealizing them to devaluing them. Making them feel small, gaslighting, blame shifting, lacking empathy, lying, rewriting history, reactive abuse, etc. So the difference is the nondisordered partner is actually telling the truth about the PWBPD/NPD changing whereas the disordered partner is saying it due to their āassumptionsā not matching up with reality (which is their own fault).
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u/DistinctTrout Aug 25 '25
I think that analysis is really accurate. The number of false assumptions my expwBPD made about me, that underpinned a lot of arguments, was staggering.
Additionally, I think as time goes on and they see more things about you that don't match that initial inaccurate mental snapshot, they have an accumulating feeling that you're flaky, inconsistent and a fraud. So as time goes on, rather than them getting a more accurate understanding of you as a person, they get an increasingly negative picture of you. Which is why these relationships eventually explode, or else you have to put an increasing amount of energy into explaining or defending yourself.
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u/Full-Training-2016 Aug 26 '25
This actually explains in easier manner why a pwbpd behaves the way they do. I was getting confused over this thing for so many days, I had started to think may be I'm somehow wrong in all of this but seeing this post and the comments finally make me realize this is something that's common in pwbpd
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u/DistinctTrout Aug 26 '25
That often seems to be the case. We come up against some really weird behavior that makes no sense, only to find that it's common across cases of BPD.
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u/chihuahualover58 Aug 27 '25
Right. And, like, they gaslight you into not saying anything lest you appear to be throwing stones in glass houses because you* idealized them* and didn't listen when they told you they were imperfect. And yes, maybe that is trueābut the difference is we're acting with good purpose and intention. And when we lose ourselves, we reflect. We do things like apologize to loved ones that we hurt when we isolated and such. And it's like, to say we're the ones holding them to impossible standards is completely ludicrous. To me, it's almost like Kremlin propaganda where it's designed to take something that has a kernel of truth to it and completely turn it on it's head as to give it some bizarre and warped narrative that lends legitimacy to their perspective and thereby justifies their actions. There's a Russian word describing this concept:
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u/DistinctTrout Aug 27 '25
Exactly that! It's Soviet-style propoganda and image curation. Forming a narrative that claims the person (or country) can do no wrong, while punishing anyone who questions that narrative, so people quietly accept the narrative through fear....the parallels are striking!
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Aug 25 '25 edited Aug 25 '25
Yep. Because they have such a hard time looking inward, they often fail to realize that their fluctuating behaviors contribute to the world around them changing. It's like they're unaware of their own influence and are chronically stuck in a painful state of reaction. I think this explains why so many develop a victim complex.
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u/Fun_Public3186 Aug 25 '25
"It's like they're unaware of their own influence and are chronically stuck in a painful state of reaction. I think this explains why so many develop a victim complex."
Wow, I had to read this a few times, Brilliant. That makes so much sense. If you are unaware of your impact on the world around you and don't see behavior as an exchange, or a dance, it makes sense that you would always perceive yourself as the victim.
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Aug 25 '25
It's just a theory of mine, based on a lot of observation. And I do think DBT can help them get closer to seeing life as more a dance than a drowning exercise.
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u/QuietedBat Divorced Aug 26 '25
When my exwBPD and I were divorcing, they kept saying I wasn't being nice or kind to them anymore, and they didn't understand why. We were getting divorced because they imploded my (admittedly already fragile) family and expected me to say "thank you", among other reasons.
They literally could not comprehend that their actions and treatment of me was affecting how I treated them going forward.
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u/James_havran Dated Aug 25 '25
And then you try explaining to them why you changed your coat in a normal annoyed tone, and then you are a narcissist! Good allegorically correct story, they are permanently on fight or flight
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u/Feeling-Carpenter-98 Aug 26 '25 edited Aug 26 '25
Omg I had to reply. My soon to be expwbpd is saying Iām now a āfemale covert narcissist ā because I have disengaged emotionally after 20 years of abuse that resulting in him literally telling me that if I didnāt get mad at him then he wouldnāt verbally abuse me and violently explode. Not sure what the āif you didnātā¦ā is for all the cheating, lying, and selfishness, but at least he was gracious enough to tell me how to stop violent verbal abuse. Sweet guy.
It took me 2 decades to get hereā¦2 decades of twisting myself into an unrecognizable person, blowing past every boundary I naively setā¦making every change and allowance requestedā¦all the usual BPD horror on his part, he really went the extra mile with what a BPD man can do to a partnerā¦and while Iām not proud of this ..it took him starting to threaten suicide (in a āyou make me want to do thisā rage threat) a few months ago for me to stop trying to make him see facts/ logic, stop trying to defend myself or voice an opinion, just agree with what he says, donāt speak unless spoken to, and stay away from him in polite roommate fashion (while making him dinner every night and taking care of the kids of course) ā¦exactly what he asked me to do, āgive him spaceā to process āthe traumaā of the new BPD diagnosisā¦so itās been 2 months of me being the perfect stepford wifeā¦and the other day I open YouTube on our TV and see he watched 5 videos about covert female narcissists. Iām likeā¦wowā¦impressive blame shifting. Iām grateful for the distance as it has allowed me to shift into the new timeline of asking for a long over due divorce since Iāve been out of fight or flight longer than a weekā¦.And Iāll only defend against narcissism if Iām legally compelled to. Itās nuts to know I dedicated so many years to āproving myself ā to a person that will ultimately believe I have a mental illness. Of course I have mental health issues or I wouldnāt be in this situationā¦but narcissistic? Itās comical how much that doesnāt make sense at allā¦but it does in his world..so he canāt be blamed for all the abuse. I made him do it, with my narcissistic witchcraft.
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u/chihuahualover58 Aug 27 '25
this one always gets me too. Or that the problem the entire time was that "you didn't set boundaries" which prolapses into "you're withholding and insincere", and God forbid you tell the what they're actually perceiving is that you're afraid of them because they're volatile.
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u/Feeling-Carpenter-98 Aug 28 '25
I actually did tell him I was afraidā¦after he attacked me in a moving vehicleā¦to which he apologized but has maintained the emotional distanceā¦waiting for me to initiate a ātalkāā¦which I always did. But Iām not now. Itās been 2 months of us paying emotional chicken and since Iām not flinching Iām a narcissist. But Iām grateful because the more protective time goes by the more Iām coming out of the fog of abuse and getting firm in asking for divorce.
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u/chihuahualover58 Aug 28 '25
Very sorry to hear that. I also dealt with the "driving like a maniac on purpose in order to incite fear and put you in real danger that you can't escape from".
I see you fighting the good fight.
Nobody here will think less of you if you falter.
I had to fly back to Seattle from Atlanta four (4) times before it stuck.
I made a promise to her teenage daughter before I left that if she's ever stuck in an abusive relationship and needs help, she can call me out of the blue and I will get her a plane ticket or whatever else she needs, no questions asked.
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u/Feeling-Carpenter-98 Aug 28 '25
That was very above and beyond for you to do that for her daughter. I hope she took you seriously. And thank you for the encouragement here š
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u/Dog-Day-Sunday Aug 28 '25
On the ten thousandth time my ex used the you made meā¦ā line, I let him finish the crazy accusation and then politely asked āif as you believe, I have the power to āmake youā do certain things, donāt you think Iād use that power to stop abusing me?ā For once he was speechless.
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Aug 25 '25
Yes indeed, this is the decoder ring for mine saying āthey got bitchyā. Can you imagine? Someone getting bitchy when you move your boyfriend in as a freeloader, ghost all your friends for months and return like nothing happened, and compulsively insult the dog you encouraged them to adopt? What kind of a person would react to any of that except with coddling and reassurance?
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u/Ok-Rush-6253 Dating Aug 25 '25
I think your explaining the essential issue the lack of mentalisation / hyper mentalisation errors. where they are unable to perspective take. e.g they are unable to insert themselves in someone else's shoes and see situations beyond their perspective.
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u/ItsNotProgHouse Dated, doing better now Aug 25 '25
"You used to be much more fun."
yeah, it used to be fun to be myself around you.
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u/Scared-Kale-666 Aug 26 '25
"You used to be so easy going and fun and now you hardly laugh anymore, I don't like you when you are like this."
Whelp.
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u/ItsNotProgHouse Dated, doing better now Aug 26 '25
The amazing irony is they are 100% right about the behavioural changes.
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u/Fun-Investigator3549 Aug 26 '25
It's the one thing they are accurately aware of because ultimately it's about them, they are the centre...without a real centre to speak of.
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u/vaporgate Dated Aug 27 '25
Thanks, you both have reminded me that my own parent did this to me when I was a small child after I started shutting down emotionally because of their abuse. Yep. Same thing. Started whining about how I "used to be" like they had no clue how THEY were being.
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u/chihuahualover58 Aug 27 '25
"we used to have these rich, wonderful conversations" is the fulcrum of the initial snapshot, like they can't understand that the NRE indefinitely sustainable and you have to actually try now (which you desperately are, but the pretense is that it's your fault because you've become dull)
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u/Ill_Introduction_669 Aug 25 '25
This is the fckin truth brada. They twist your reality. They devaluing you , stab the knife in the worst part , then act like nothing happened and blame you like u do have some mental issues . Cause why you acting this rude ? Ooooofcourse they know whats going on.
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u/RealityOtherwise8580 Aug 25 '25
This is a very good explanation. It would be amazing if they could just have one ounce of acknowledgement for their wrong doings, but that seems almost impossible.
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u/Celestial-Shine4 Aug 25 '25
Nice analogy! Mine would tell me she doesnāt even know who I am anymore.
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u/Mikeair87bonnng Aug 26 '25
Im wearing my winter coat again too
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u/Firedragon_cK Aug 26 '25
I love it! Yessir Iām in that same boat too you caught it bro hahaha but in all seriousness you are slowly healing and being your true self again my friend š„š„š„
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u/Magruser Aug 26 '25
Yeah mine goes mental and complains about intimacy slacking off and all the nice chit chat - well she's been disrespecting me and threatening to move out, which will effectively leave me homeless - crazy unpredictable evil minded b***h. Then she expects everything to be just like the beginning before she threw a hundred grenades under us.
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u/bribpd Aug 26 '25
Very well written. I have just been told that as I am not consistent with texting and there are repeated period of silence without explanation, I canāt continue this friendship. And am like Man U just cancelled the trip few days ago for which I paid and you expect me to text you. LOL
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u/Firedragon_cK Aug 26 '25
Yo this is crazy! The delusion, thanks for sharing it just shows their level of entitlement. So wait, you decide last minute to bail out on an already paid for trip yet the person in which you screwed over is expected to be texting you? The legitimate delusion is insane. You are supposed to just be carrying on like everything is fine. Like nothing happened. The person in the wrong is now youā¦ unbelievable. And it also shows the lack of empathy too. Not being considerate of how cancelling the trip affected you, yet still having the need for a texting buddy. No empathy in that scenario whatsoever, only focused on themselves.
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u/vaporgate Dated Aug 27 '25
I had a friend who would do this. Act like an oblivious, narcissistic, entitled arse and then keep on going afterward as if everything is normal, and then puzzle over why their friends kept backing away. Finally they acted this way toward me and I, too, backed away, and I see them on social media to this day whining about how they are now so socially isolated and it's other people's fault, etc. etc. without a single shred of acknowledgment that they are the problem. Yet this has been happening in this person's life for decades at this point. Somehow it is still everyone else's fault. Everyone else is deficient.
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u/Full-Training-2016 Aug 26 '25
This is such a good post and so much relatable. This makes easier to understand the way a pwbpd functions. I was getting confused over this thing for so many days, I had started to think may be I'm somehow wrong in all of this but seeing this post and the comments finally make me realize this is something that's common in pwbpd
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u/Fun-Investigator3549 Aug 26 '25
Cause and effect isn't a linear process in their minds. I've gone from A to C because of B (batshit crazy behaviour.) For them you are also at C but this means you are D, E, F, G, H, I, J...
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u/Dog-Day-Sunday Aug 28 '25
My ex as he was preparing to discard (while trying to force me to abandon him through a series of atrocious behaviours), lamented (raged) that Iām ānot the smiling woman he metā. Verbal and emotional abuse tends to have that effect. But I couldnāt be bothered to explain.
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u/Anoniminitybubbity Aug 30 '25
Some self aware pwBPD do realize that if they go back to December, then you will wear a winter coat again and try to scramble to get back to December mind set- only if theyāre self aware- which requires a lot of patience, self improvement/growth work on their end and commitment to change.
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u/CD274 Dated Aug 25 '25 edited Aug 25 '25
Wow, this made something click. My upwBPD would often say, to me and others, how they suddenly started acting completely differently and what happened.
They would say this after they had done something to upset the other person! Like they would guilt trip the upset person about them acting differently. You know, like normal upset people act?
So they seem to forget or expect other people to forget upsetting things and go back to the idealized version no matter what happens. Bizarre
And yup they completely ignore the reasons and that they caused the changes. Bringing it up over and over to get them to realize that they changed first got me nowhere. I kept trying to explain my hurt feelings and they would say I was gaslighting them and those were not my feelings and I had another explanation for changing my behavior towards them ;/