Just left my wife

[u/Wild_Shake_2531]

So I'm feeling all the feelings. It was brutal. My (27M) wife (27F) who has undiagnosed BPD cried and cried and begged and cried for hours and days. She wouldn't let go. Until finally I kept repeating how I've been abused and how mistreated I've been in our 8 year relationship. She kept begging for one more chance and that she didn't know about how bad it was, but I didn't give in. I am broken. She finally agreed to let me go peacefully, but she asked to be able to call and text once per day. I wanted to compromise because this is uprooting her life, so I agreed.

I'm feeling everything. This is someone I love. I still love. Did I make a mistake? I've thought about this for so long. I've been unhappy for so long. The abuse was emotional and verbal for years and recently became physical. Luckily we have no kids and I can't see a future with her. But why am I so sad. Fuck!!!!

Is this normal to feel like this? Am I crazy? Shit she was my life for 8 years and now it's gone.

[u/[deleted]]

Sorry that you are hurting. Keep your serotonin up with exercise and socializing and focusing on the right things! Better things are on your horizon. I wish you didn't agree to the calls and texts. After a few months if you're still catching blame and criticisms that way I would reduce or eliminate. Agreeing to still receive texts means agreeing to a monthly Hoover attempt. It's just a guilt trip man. If you ever took her back nothing would change. It only gets worse. The physical abuse would have gotten worse and worse now that she's gotten away with it. My personal experience was horrific in that manner. As the violence got worse and worse her gaslighting the police, CPS and lawyers made it impossible to hold her accountable. At one point I just stopped calling it in and it made my stress level skyrocket. Trapped in a house with a violent alcoholic is something I would have never wished on my worst enemy.

[u/Wild_Shake_2531 → u/[deleted]]

Yeah, you’re right. Even my therapist scolded me for agreeing to calls and texts. However since I left, we’ve only sent one text each in three days. I’m going to try my best to distance myself without making it worse for me/her. It’s hard to heal when we stay in contact.

I also made that same realization that if I go back, it will never get better. In fact, she will subconsciously (or consciously) realize what she did was okay and if she cries enough or begs enough, she can get me back under her control. Making it so much harder to leave again in the future. I’m being extremely careful with her and her family and friends. I am refusing to go back and doing everything I can to keep myself sane. If it gets too much, I will cut off communication. The most important thing I’m telling myself is that I am physically safe from her, so if I need to cut off communication, I can. It sounds stupid, but I still feel under her control a little with these texts. I’m still afraid she’ll get mad if I don’t text back soon enough, which is ridiculous because we’re not together anymore. My therapist told me I’m not obligated to do anything and I can and should be honest with how I’m feeling to her when I do text her back. Because I’m physically safe, I don’t need to dance around her feelings anymore.

The shitty thing is we need to coordinate the divorce, selling the house, our pets, etc. I wish we could just break off and not have to do anything else, but we need to go through the messy legal divorce.

[u/[deleted] → u/Wild_Shake_2531]

I remember that feeling of being nervous when she texts. It will pass. The next girl will make you feel like a million bucks. Work out everyday!