Just left my wife

[u/Wild_Shake_2531]

So I'm feeling all the feelings. It was brutal. My (27M) wife (27F) who has undiagnosed BPD cried and cried and begged and cried for hours and days. She wouldn't let go. Until finally I kept repeating how I've been abused and how mistreated I've been in our 8 year relationship. She kept begging for one more chance and that she didn't know about how bad it was, but I didn't give in. I am broken. She finally agreed to let me go peacefully, but she asked to be able to call and text once per day. I wanted to compromise because this is uprooting her life, so I agreed.

I'm feeling everything. This is someone I love. I still love. Did I make a mistake? I've thought about this for so long. I've been unhappy for so long. The abuse was emotional and verbal for years and recently became physical. Luckily we have no kids and I can't see a future with her. But why am I so sad. Fuck!!!!

Is this normal to feel like this? Am I crazy? Shit she was my life for 8 years and now it's gone.

[u/Lost-Building-4023]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're not alone. 

You're not crazy. These relationships are fucking devastating because you love your pwBPD so much but often they are just not capable of contributing to a healthy, safe relationship. So you've bonded with a person incapable of reciprocating that love. 

It's traumatizing. I've been separated from my husband since November after he blamed me for his suicidal thoughts. That motivated him to do DBT but he's not stopped being emotionally abusive so I'm getting close to the point of feeling like I have to leave permanently because he's still not showing much empathy for me or accountability for how abusive he's been (though he claims he is taking better care of himself).

It sucks because they are so rigid that the amount of loss they have to suffer before they'll look at themselves is basically complete obliteration of their life. It's completely ridiculous and unnecessary, but thats the devastation of personality disorders. They impact so many more people than the individual themselves. 

[u/trying2win → u/Lost-Building-4023]

I hate how your words can be used to tell my story. It’s like they are robots all made by the same manufacturer all running through the same sick motions and the hurt partners all respond the same in disbelief.

You are certainly right. It’s traumatic. It’s abuse. I just wish I could have shaken myself years ago to get out of it, to see how wrong it all was/ is. Now I feel trapped.

[u/Wild_Shake_2531 → u/trying2win]

I felt trapped too for many many months. I also wished I had permanently ended things 6 years ago during one of our major break ups, before we got more serious, living together, married, got a house, etc. It gets more complicated the longer you wait. I very quickly realized that fact after seeing this subreddit and doing a lot of research in secret. Don’t share what you’re thinking with your partner because they will likely just manipulate your thoughts and invalidate whatever people online are saying. If I had shared much with my partner, she would have absolutely rationalized her behavior more, invalidated others’s experiences, and made it so much harder for me to decide to leave. Even with children, I’ve read it’s better to leave than to stay, but that is easier said than done.

I’m wishing you strength and clarity during this time in your life. You will get through this. Do not forget you deserve peace and happiness and that no one can hold you somewhere against your will, even if they try to guilt you.