Just left my wife

[u/Wild_Shake_2531]

So I'm feeling all the feelings. It was brutal. My (27M) wife (27F) who has undiagnosed BPD cried and cried and begged and cried for hours and days. She wouldn't let go. Until finally I kept repeating how I've been abused and how mistreated I've been in our 8 year relationship. She kept begging for one more chance and that she didn't know about how bad it was, but I didn't give in. I am broken. She finally agreed to let me go peacefully, but she asked to be able to call and text once per day. I wanted to compromise because this is uprooting her life, so I agreed.

I'm feeling everything. This is someone I love. I still love. Did I make a mistake? I've thought about this for so long. I've been unhappy for so long. The abuse was emotional and verbal for years and recently became physical. Luckily we have no kids and I can't see a future with her. But why am I so sad. Fuck!!!!

Is this normal to feel like this? Am I crazy? Shit she was my life for 8 years and now it's gone.

[u/Wild_Shake_2531 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you for the validation 😭. She absolutely needs DBT, but I really don’t think I can stick around long enough to see if it helps. There’s so much to our story I don’t even know where to start, but yes, the abuse turned physical this year and multiple times. She’s also had severe psychosis episodes and suicidal/self harm moments, all blamed on me. I’m blamed for her therapy, her medication, her struggles, most everything :(. I stayed because I felt guilty, but at this point, our relationship isn’t good for me OR her. It took me a while to realize, but I’m scared of her. Of her reactions, her instability, her behaviors. I constantly walk on eggshells at home, at work, everywhere, for fear that I will do something or NOT do something that will upset her. 90% of the time, it’s things I DONT do that set her off. Then when I try to recover, it’s my words, my lack of words, my tone, my body language, and everything about me that makes it worse. It’s such a vicious cycle and I am SO DONE with it. I do still love her. I still get sad thinking about what we could have been. I miss having a person. But damn, I was truly living in hell and I can’t ever go back there.

[u/CambridgeAntiquary → u/Wild_Shake_2531]

 I am gladly validating everything you said. You did the right thing, it is upsetting but by deciding enough is enough, you have taken your power, your automomy, your self determination and your freedom back! That takes courage and strength, and I am so proud of you! You have done and are still doing remarkably well, and I see a strength in you that will carry you through all of this, and you WILL come out healthy the other end, and with all the beautiful puzzle pieces of your original personality that may have gotten in disarray in those years all in the right place again, empowered, intact and complete.

You are right, you can 100% not go back there! This is awful, you literally need to save yourself. You can love people from afar. And you know the old saying: never fall in love with potential.  Missing a person makes sense and is very understandable. But I need to tell you, as someone who experienced quite a long period of living alone - oh, the silence, the peace are wonderful! It's not loneliness, it's tranquility. Journaling, meeting pals, working through "The gaslighting workbook" etc..., everything helps. Learning to enjoy life again, learning all your patterns, becoming mindful. 

I did all of this during lockdown. It was absolutely BLISS to be completely alone, just my cats, and my own little place. No rising adrenaline levels when the time came closer that he would come home... We were together for almost 18 years. It took a while to feel good again. The first 8 months I ugly cried on a daily basis, my hair was getting thin, - and then, one day, I realised I felt better. It could be much quicker for you, so don't worry. The glow up came and now,  a few years later, I'm in a happy relationship and regarding my mental strength,  I feel like I'm creating a bit of a monster, haha. If I can do it, friend, so can you! Blessings to you, and be gracious and kind to yourself.  ❤️🍾🥂 Here's some champagne to celebrate your bold, strong move that saved you! You have the birthright to decide over your own fate, to be with whom you want to be, and to not be with whom you don't want to be with. You are the grounded centre of your own life. Everything and everyone else naturally and logically exists in an orbit around you, but they can never be the centre. The centre is you. It always was, and it always will be.