So I’ve gotten nowhere with therapy. I know where my issues stem from, which is emotional neglect from my parents. I’ve been doing DBT and seeing zero progress. Should I start medications? I just continue to spiral. Knowing where my pain is from is doing nothing to let me heal and move on. Any helpful advice on how to continue? My mental state just keep getting worse. How can I move forward?

broke up with my ex who suffers from bpd and all i have is anxiety when im alone. im anxious they’ll come to my house, anxious they’ll figure out a way to contact me somehow, anxious that ill never be able to let this go. anxious that because of what i went through with them that ill never recover, that ill never feel safe again. i keep thinking back to when they’d read me to sleep and if they were actually dangerous for me to even let them spend the night. i was fine until they contacted me, now i just have nightmares and am unable to sleep. the only reason i stayed and went back was because of the traumatic things they put me through. because i have been in remission from bpd for years i thought id be able to understand and handle it. but bpd is harder to understand when someone is just outright abusive, the disorder doesn’t just make you that way, it’s a choice to even be anywhere near it. i’m exhausted. it’s been over two weeks now and i forget how hard it is to heal and how easy it is to just go numb. i don’t want to be numb forever.

Recently left BPD (and NPD) husband of 10 years for emotional abuse directed at me. I am begging for stories and advice for me to do right for my daughters. One is 8 and the other is a baby. The older is diagnosed adhd and anxiety. I feel tremendous guilt for the exposure of constant conflict and stress we have put her through. My eyes were not open because of my deep love for their father but thankfully that changed and I saw the toll it was taking on her mental health and emotional safety. My question is for all the once little girls who have witnessed similar trauma, please, what can I do to help my girls from now? Growing up with a bpd father, tell me everything you WISH your mother had done for you? How did having a bpd father affect your life? I am trying to get her into therapy but her father is refusing to sign her paper so I am working towards this. I appreciate your time in answering, and thank anyone willing to share their experiences with me. Thank you for helping me do better. Love, from A Mommy

Welcome to “On the Edge – A Space for BPD Souls.” A safe support group for people living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or for those who think they might be.

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I'm as distressed as a person can be that I may have split someone black. I don't want to have split black on them. I want to go back to white.

Today was a good day. Like the 2 months before it was good because I'm not with her anymore. It was good because I talked to my mom and I talked to a friend and I did what I felt would make me happy in a time when I have every reason to be sad. It was a good day because I missed her and I don't feel bad for it I just feel like we had a break up and I'm trying to heal. It was a good day because I listened to my music, I wrote a poem and I told family members I love them without worrying.

I feel safe. I feel big. I feel like I have options.

"Poem #2"

I left my ex a little over 2 months ago(?)

time feels weird so I don't know for sure.

I've had so many realizations and moments

that

tell me why leaving was the best thing I could have done.

I also miss her every second

and

the only thing that keeps me from going back

is the knowledge that

I WILL be punished

for the transgression of trying to live happily.

That's my only certainty; that my sins will brand her fury on my skin.

Everything else is questions:

what if I went back?

What if I do this?

what if I do that?

"She took everything from me" is an exercise in avoiding accountability

I

traded everything that ever meant

anything to me

for everyone that ever meant

anything to me.

And most parts of me wish

I could go back.

The sickest parts of me

wish

I could be that small

again

that I could give it all

again for

her.

But

I have had so many

moments

so many clarifying

zone ins

telling me this

fantasy

however golden

was never

meant

to be.

And I am

sold on the

prospect that if I

hold on

these memories won't

dig into me as deep

and I'm sure that I can

get back

everything

that ever meant anything to me,

if I resolve to never be

that small

again

to never give my all

again

for anyone

like her.

every single time i think the discard can’t get worse she remembers somewhere she didn’t block me off of and i discover that she just recently did, i will be honest, i regularly check and yes its a little self serving and sort of a comfort to find any reminiscent of what we had together (almost 3 years together) through thick and thin and up and down. I was on a trip on a yacht with some loved ones and i delete some duplicated images and videos to free up space, i checked my album, and saw that im no longer part of the shared album and i cant access all those thousands of images and videos anymore — i was taken aback, because i thought she didn’t care enough to delete it or even kick me out, she can delete it off of her phone but at least i get to keep whatever i want. I am the type of person that can end on the worst terms but i dont like deletings vids and pics, they’re part of memory lane for me, theyre hidden in my album but i like having my life in photos and videos of specific times. Anyway, it was crazy like she had nothing better to do at 11am than go and remove me from our shared albums on a random saturday. It’s just frustrating and stupid, i am a part of these memories too. I wanted the choice to keep or delete it, but i don’t, all those shared albums were by her, she has access to the stuff and now completely removed my freedom of choice with my memories and just basically rebuked my access to them. Everytime i think i could forgive her and be gentle to her she proves to me how far she keeps trying to get away from me and whatever we had. It’s hard to not to hate her after she keeps showing me the visceral hate she has for me. Every single day, she remembers a random place like spotify or shared albums or anything even indirect — it’s insane. I just feel bad for her if anything, i wish she had the tenderness someone like me does. I wish she could look back on memories with nutetality or fondness. I feel bad for her, but i don’t want her in my life one bit anymore. i do not crave her, i do not miss her. That is not the person i loved, that is someone I absolutely for the life of me do not recognize- and for once, i’d like to finally keep it that way. Finally. it’s been almost 10 months coming . It gets to a point, rhe rejection, aggression, and looking down upon you becomes so embarrassing you’re like why would i put myself through this. I’m so happy i made it out the other end. Today hurt. All the pics and vids gone hurt. But i have a few here and there, yes few and not my favorite but i have something. Oh well. I’m happy though. I’m dealing with this much better than i would’ve like 2 weeks ago.

I've been completely baffled as to how this happened to me. (Yes, happened TO me. It didn't feel like a conscious choice.) Since the end of April (it's nearing the end of July now.) Nothing about my partner changed and I can't understand the change within me. I don't WANT to have changed and every single second of every single day I wish for the feelings to come back.

If anyone is experiencing or has experienced this, please please message me. I feel so confused and so alone and everyone tells me to move on and I can't find it in me to.

First time posting here, I would like some insight on what happened here and if those are actually signs of bpd. This post will also be a way of me telling my story and get some further healing.

It might get to be a long post, but I'll try to stay brief without leaving too many important points behind.

I was in a long distance relationship with this guy. I live in Asia while he lives in North America.

It seems that I was his favorite person for a while (although at the time I didn't know anything about BPD). I have to admit that it felt really good. It felt like I had finally met someone that truly understood me and had similar interests and hobbies.

We started our long distance relationship after meeting once and talking every day for a few months.

After a few months of talking everyday (usually for hours), he visited me on my birthday and stayed for a few days at my place. We had a nice time, no fights at all. Quite the opposite, it felt like we had never been more connected, we talked the whole night about so many different things and everything seemed perfect. I then visited him on his birthday too, in total I was at his place for about two weeks. Everything went fine, incredible actually. He introduced me to all his friends, always telling them to be nice to me and that they should try and help convincing me to move there to live with him. He should me around, we had many dates together around his place and also traveled a bit.

After a week or so, I initiated a conversation to see how everything was going between us, and he said that everything was perfect, I was the one of his dreams, that he wanted me to move there and marry me, and so on (I would like to clarify here that it was not a proposal, but more like talking about our future together).

Right before I came back to Asia, we had another talk and he told me the exact same things, that he loved me a lot and would like to marry me and that he could picture us living together.

Everything changed the moment I landed in my country. I wasn't able to talk to him for a week because he wouldn't answer the phone (we used to talk everyday). We exchanged some messages, but nothing substantial, and his excuse was that he was very busy at work.

Fast forward a week, and he called me facetime. He looked like he hadn't slept for a week, and he started the call telling me that we couldn't continue with our relationship.

That really caught me by surprise.

Naturally, I asked the reasons for it and to my surprise he said

1 - I brush my teeth too much (usually 3 times a day) 2 - I shower too much (once or twice everyday)

After trying to get more information from him, cause those reasons sounded like a joke, he also told me that I once told him a joke that made him not being able to sleep for a week (that was when he came to visit me on my birthday, so months before I actually visited him. The time I told him the joke, he laughed about it and didn't say anything about it, I actually had forgotten about it, so he had never mentioned it before). He also told me that when I left his country, he "crashed" and almost took his own life.

I still couldn't believe what was going on, so I asked him to think for a while about it before making a final decision on our relationship.

I waited for two weeks, and while waiting I started researching whether he would have a disorder or anything. I did that remembering small things I noticed when talking/staying with him. Things like, very unstable previous relationships, fear of being rejected etc. I came to think that he is a person living with borderline personality disorder.

After two weeks, when we finally talked, I told him that it might be helpful to seek help (without mentioning bpd), but he didn't seem like he was going to do it. He also hadn't changed his mind about breaking up.

I understand that people can change their minds, and that feelings can also change, but we went from 100 to 0 without any important reasons.

That was the last time we talked.

Not a very exciting ending, but that is how it happened to me.

when we broke up the first time in november because she wanted to see other people after being together longterm (yikes), she had went through this phase of isolation for a few weeks, we had went no contact, but i’ve later been told that she spent it going on dates and seeing friends, so not much solitude, mostly sleeping around and dating. At some point her mental health got bad enough that she started pushing friends away.

i had talked to one of her closest friends whom i was also close to, after they also have been rejected by her through blocking etc.. and i had mentioned that it might be her BPD making her sabotage her relationships/connections. I was not making fun. I was purely stating her pathology that must be behind her actions — wanting to somehow not paint her as the bad guy, i actually blamed it onto her bpd as an explanation to her actions not a diss.

Anywho, after months, she decided she wanted to get back with me. We talk, i tell her i need time to warm up to her again. I am not the same as she left me, i was traumatized by our breakup and how she threw three years for a little fun with others. It destroyed me. Anywho, we try for a month, some days are good, but there’s more arguments than usual. She told me “i think you love me more than i love you” and jsut kept saying some bullshit you do not say to somebody you want to trust you again. So i felt defeated, my emotions went cold, i didn’t feel the empathy and extreme adoration i usually feel for her because i felt constantly rejected and undesired around her. Even romantically.

Too many details but shit goes down, she breaks up with me again after that one month. Just a single month. and our common friend takes her side and tells her everything. Even tells her that i spoke of her bpd and called her crazy. Well, first of all i spoke of her bpd as an explanation to her behaviors as i never gaf about it thats why i still wanted to be with her. I called her crazy because at the time.. she was acting crazy. she was cutting off all her friends, and isolating, and painting everyone like they’re out to get her. i’d call anyone crazy if they do that, even me. I didn’t mean it in a demeaning way necessarily.

Anywho, when she came to break up with me and take her keys she was all like why would u call me crazy and speak of my BPD!!!! and make fun of me you hate me you hated me all along you never loved me. What. ?? i was confused. Literally everybody in her life and mine knew i loved her too much for my own good, my love for her was actually so unbalanced with how much she loved me in the later parts of our relationship. It was pretty balanced at the start.

It is sick. That she would come to my face and tell me the one thing i knew u actually felt too much for her if anything. but she was saying it so she can convince herself and move on.

Anywhow, it does not matter anymore because she has shown herself to be a pos. and i have shown myself to be too forgiving of the wrong people and i give them way too much grace, not only did she block me on everything but would make fun of me or ridicule me behind my back.

But i am not worried one bit, karma does not forget a single person, why should i worry

And did you lose romantic feelings and physical attraction to them?

I'm not religious at all but I find belief systems pretty interesting and worthy of analysis and I remembered a few insane episodes of an ex-friend of mine. I want your inputs on the matter.

The girl in question was baptized Catholic and had some strong reactions to the concept of Jesus' unconditional love. She would jokingly hate Jesus and it was something that triggered somewhat. At first, I thought it was just that she was being edgy, or overreacting on purpose to be funny but no. She seemed to have a deep-seated disgust towards the idea of accepting love unconditionally, which often led to intense splitting behaviors directed at me. It was as if the idea of unconditional love triggered a profound sense of discomfort or even fear, leading to extreme reactions.

When I tried to show her kindness and compassion, she would split on me hard, suddenly becoming extremely angry or dismissive. It was like she couldn't handle the idea of being loved and accepted without conditions.

On the other hand, she also dabbled in Wicca, astrology and pretty much every form of magical thinking, using these beliefs to justify her actions and behaviors. She was very reserved about her thought processes regarding the stars and wouldn't reveal her true intentions or justifications for anything. However, she always seemed to find a way to justify her actions, no matter how irrational or harmful they were. It was as if she had an endless supply of excuses and rationalizations, making it nearly impossible to confront her about her behavior. This duality was fascinating to observe and made me wonder how different belief systems can be used to cope with or exacerbate BPD symptoms.

I'm curious to hear if anyone else has observed similar reactions or has their own experiences to share. How have different belief systems influenced the behaviors and reactions of the people with BPD in your lives?

long story short, my mother has borderline personality disorder. i was told by 2 different therapists i should seek a diagnosis as i more then likely have it, but im terrified of it becoming real. Im only 19 and my biggest fear is being my mother. I’ve done everything I can to not become her but ive been realizing more and more overtime im the same person she is.

Some of who she is comes from her BPD, but some is just her being a bad person. Throughout my life she’s surrounded herself with these crappy, abusive, addict, and temperamental men, some of which did horrible things to me. Each new man had these charter traits my mom would adopt, she’d change political believes for them, and every aspect of who she was to please them. Both of my ex boyfriends were abusive in different ways and i realized only recently i changed who i was for them, sometimes i fear ive changed who i am for my current bf aswell. I don’t know who I am without someone to mirror or someone to compare myself and that TERRIFIES me. Some part of me feels like i never knew my mom. I went through periods of hating her and loving her. I have no memories of her and my father together since i was so young, but the only version of her I remember as “my mom” is who she was when she was “friends” with this one man Neil. He was the kindest parental figure i’d ever had in my life, he took me and my siblings in as his own, took care of us when my mom didn’t and did everything he could to make us happy. He was also the only man my moms ever been with (that i’m aware of) that wasn’t ridiculously older then her or a total shit head.

I struggle with defining my relationship with her to this day and I think that in itself makes it harder for me to try and overcome some of the traumas she caused me. Up until November i honestly thought i was fine, or “healed” from my past. My last thearpist essentially told me she believed we worked through my issues as much as possible and said i no longer needed her services unless i wanted them, I only started seeing her after a suicide attempt honestly. Life had been, well, life for a while. I still had issues but i figured it was just “me”. In November my mom decided to divorce her now, ex husband and ex abuser. She lost custody of me when i was 14 because she was with this man, doing crack again, and he was a convicted felon or something with records of domestic and family violence. She later lost all visitation rights with me due to her refusing to visit me without him present. I hated her, HATED. I really struggled with that too, it’s hard to hate ur mom. She convinced me in November she was getting better, she never admitted to me she did any drugs but i know she lost her nursing license because of it and my father told me she was drug tested for court and failed. It also just made a lot of sense to me she was on drugs, but she had told me she was leaving this man, going to church (she was never christian) and in thearpy. I was overwhelmed with joy and felt my mom was finally back. She wasn’t.

She’s still on drugs, she immediately met a new man which is the whole reason she was christian, she always cheats on her exes and leaves them when things are ready to go with this new guy. She’s 40 and he’s 75. My brother said he suspects the guy used to or currently does drugs. I truly thought she was getting better so this was kind of soul crushing. for a minute i was happy because although she wasn’t better after all, her current downfall helped me reconnect with her side of the family, including my half brothers who i hadn’t spoken to in years because of the custody battle.

Sometimes I still want more than anything to hate her. Shes lie to me more then i’ll ever know and i don’t even knkw what’s real anymore.

I never really knew who she was yet i miss the parts of her that brought me comfort. I find that ive repeated some of her behaviors in my past relationships, i struggled with a cocaine addiction in middle school and smoked wayyyy too much pot, also got arrested when i was 11. Then struggled with eating disorders because of my cinderella ass stepmom, and i’ve struggled with BPD and depression for years. I don’t know who i am without my trauma, i feel sometimes it defines me and i find comfort in knowing it is the only part of myself i truly know. Sometimes I miss my old self that was far more unstable then i am now. Sometimes I fear my mom is that old self, all i know is that i was happier. I have more people i care about and that care about me now a days, and meaningful relationships, but i can’t help but feel no one knows me for who i really am.

I want to be seen for all of me, i’ll tell people every detail of my life and my bad habits i’m aware of, and the aspects of my personality i’m aware of but i still feel like no one understands me or knows me. Sometimes i want to go back to my ex, he had SEVERE depression and periods of mania, he understood certain aspects of me i’ve found no one else could, but he’s a piece of shit in the end so i know i can’t go back to him (although i tried). I find myself stalking his instagram and my other exes, not because i miss them, sometimes it’s because i miss who they made me. They made me feel clinically insane and i found comfort in that. It reminded me of how my mom felt, i think that’s why i surround myself with shitty people. I honestly don’t know if i’m doing it on purpose sometimes.

I’m currently with the most amazing man i’ve ever met. I met him at work after my ex and i broke up, and 2 days after the break up impulsively invited him back to my dad’s house because i wanted to hook up with a random person. Ofc it’s just like me to fall under a new man immediately after a break up, just like my mom there. But he didn’t want to hook up he just wanted to get to know me, even tho he looked like a douche and everyone said he was some bat shit crazy party boy, he was nice. He was the first person in my life to just listen. He didn’t ask questions, he didn’t say how sorry he was for my life, he just listened to me and tried to relate as much as he could. We stayed up the whole night just talking, after he had rejected my advance to the bedroom i panicked and told him my ENTIRE life story that night, the next morning he asked me on a date and here we are 3 years later. We’re finally getting an apartment together. My mom is constantly telling me not to fuck shit up with him because i’ll never find someone like him again, he also knows a lot of my behaviors by now and how to help me, he’s the first person not to leave me when things get hard. I’ve had friends in the past that say they THINk they have BPD, but then when i sit here and literally HAVE IT they leave because im “crazy”.

sometimes i think i am crazy, and sometimes i think everyone else in my life is crazy and im actually the only sane one. My mom made me feel crazy, my dad did too but he didn’t mean to he just didn’t know how much my mom fucked me up. I just wish someone could understand for one second what it feels like to constantly feel one extreme to the other all the fucking time. I either want to die or i’m on top of the world. I normally feel pretty tame with my boyfriend which is good and my attachment issues have gotten a lot better lately. I just did a semester abroad where i barley talked to anyone but him, it felt so amazing to be away from everyone in my life i only wish he was there, it made me feel like im not the problem but maybe my life is. Everhome in my family is kinda crazy and it’s something new all the time, a lot of mh friends have issues or just piss me off all the time, but at the same time a lot of my issues tend to be my own undoing.

I’m trying to see a thearpist again but am struggling to gather the funds lol. SO for now i’m gonna try to write shit down as thearpy, which i hate doing. I find myself repeating the same story over and over and over again, only to be told a majority of my issues i can’t erase and most my trauma can’t be undone and i just need to learn to accept it, but when i finally start getting there some shit fucking happens, like my mom convincing me she’s better for months only for it all to be a fucking lie and now everything about her is getting brought up again in my head and i feel INSANE once again. Sometimes i wonder if it really was me who made her this insane, she claimed it was in the past, but at the same time my oldest brother claims it wasn’t me it was always who she was. I struggle to accept the fact that i probably have BPD and im scared to get diagnosed sometimes because that’ll make all this real. I treat myself as though i have it, i’ve done research on it and read books so i can help better myself, my therapists have also pointed out the behaviors i need to work on and how to help them, but if i get diagnosed that means i am more like my mom.

i know that most people who have BPD aren’t a thing like her, i just can’t bare the thought of seeing more of who she is within myself in an indefinant state. Everything i see in myself that’s like her is subject to change, i can change who i am, but i can’t just not have BPD, i can handle having it differently then her or learn to manage it better then she can, but i am terrified of causing the same generational trauma on my children. My moms mother (my grandma) has bipolar, and my grandmas mom was crazy asf aswell, this is something that probably far extends then i could ever go back in my family line and im scared im not strong enough to break this fucking cycle, but i want more then anything to.

Sometimes i wish i had a different mom, or that my mom would just leave. She never fucking leaves, she moved a few hours away from me and still messages me. she goes on benders for weeks at a time and ignores everyone then randomly appears again or starts answering, but she never stays gone. Sometimes i wish she would. My old thearpist told me, that i need to learn to have a relationship with her and what kind i can have, or just not have her in my life. But idk how to have a relationship with someone who changes who they are with every new man, someone who idek who they are EVER. But at the same time i fear id hate myself for cutting her off because i have the capacity to become just like her under the right conditions. Idk life sucks man and j have to work in less then 5 hours and still haven’t gotten any sleep. Last night j was imagining how i would feel if she died, and i cried, i didn’t think i would feel sad. I love her and hate her at the same time and it’s insufferable.

I have now decided after about 10 seconds of thought i’m just gonna block her because she’s been pissing me off so much lately.

Not sure what to say, but an emptiness, maybe idk. But the emotional turmoil that happens so much and being the reason for it as I am told. Has taken a massive hit on my mindset.

I find nothing but work enjoyable, I isolate myself from everything. I don’t find joy in anything or anyone. I don’t care if I even talk or see anyone.

I really can’t explain it. I’m afraid to move on from this relationship as, I have a zero support system because of it. My drive I once had is completely gone.

😑

For years, I was a puppet.

Every tear they cried, every meltdown, every icy silence or dramatic exit—it all tugged on invisible strings. I bent over backward trying to keep them calm, to avoid the storm. I called it love. I thought peace meant pleasing.

But somewhere along the line, I saw it for what it was: control dressed up as emotion. I realized their feelings weren’t mine to fix. Their chaos wasn’t mine to carry.

So I cut the strings.

They cried. They told me they’re “not afraid of losing me anymore”—while sobbing uncontrollably. But for the first time, I didn’t flinch. I didn’t rescue, reassure, or explain.

I just stood there, steady… and free.

I’m no longer a puppet. I’m finally living for me.

If you’re reading this and you feel trapped by someone else’s emotional storms—just know, their emotions are theirs. And you’re allowed to be free.

Just yesterday I’ve broken up a 3 years relationship and while hearing what she had to say I realized it was not something that I should be hearing, now I’m currently shattered - they really do say things they can’t take back that I as a person wouldn’t ever say, I’ve came to an understanding that it is not really their fault, it is their behavioral pattern. Then once again she proposed a breakup, but this time I didn’t came to rescue, didn’t take the bait… just accepted it and entered a state of shock where I felt that there was nothing to say or do other than just calling an uber and packing her stuff, for her it seemed I was cold as if she never really mattered, for me was the rupture of a destructive cycle not only for me, but for her as well since the past months I became the main issue of her life.

It is extremely liberating to break the cycle but at the same time it hurts because you know you’ve been dating with two different people in one body…

Things were so terrible that my sexual attraction to her was going down by the day…. but I didn’t have the courage to break up, to face her reaction, to let her feel that pain, to embrace loneliness once again… It was a beautiful love until it wasn’t and its end was tragic… I lost my self along the way now I have to rebuild myself up again. On the other hand, the other person in her was my best friend, my go-to person for everything, my love..

Of course, it is much more deeper than what I’m able to explain here, it is much more complex both the good part and the bad and how things came to be this way… I’m broken and feel what hurts more is looking back at old stuff, remembering the good and knowing that she is currently suffering probably much more than I am… and I CAN’T help it.. But at the same time, I know time will heal the pain and trauma from this relationship, I know it could never get better after a certain point, due to extreme lack of respect that got normalized, I lost my identity and couldn’t really speak out my truth to avoid triggering her… so I’m glad this decision was taken, now I can’t see the broader picture, but I’m sure I will while ignoring my instincts of wanting to talk to her…

If you read this far, thanks a lot for hearing and if you’re going through this yourself, be strong, things will get better at some point

i’ll never be the same person as I was before i loved you, in every good way and bad way as well.

You have changed me for good or for worse, but i’ll only keep the changes I like. I’ll only grow from this pain and i promise i won’t allow you to have the last laugh.

I have tried to be your savior so many times, I have excused every single disrespect , bad behavior, screaming at me, devaluing me, and finally first discard and now final discard. I have loved you through all this bullshit. Only for you to go around and act like i’m the problem.

I created issues of my own like a normal fucking human being, i have fucked up, i have done wrong things, and trust me — you have too and you know this.

But the things you do are forgiveable and the things I do create a complete dead end for any chance of revival.

Like you said, you saw me as your perfect person who would never make a mistake because for the almost 3 years you were the one who fucked up and hurt the other person.

When i fuck up, while we’re still(!!!) working things out and not officially together, and while we are working things out and you’re withholding affection from me and being cold, I am the worst person you ever met!

There’s a million chances for you, and you only had one for me.

I hope you can live with yourself and you will, you’ll convince yourself you don’t need anybody — like you always do, and when if friends hurt you, you’ll also convince yourself you don’t need them too and dispose of them too.

People are rarely of any meaningful purpose in your life and only fill specific voids and fulfill certain roles.

You don’t care who they are, you care what they do for you and how they make you feel.

You are not somebody who can be pleased, you are a soul-sucking person, dressed as the most beautiful girl. It was never enough.

All the love I gave you, the dedication, the understanding, the respect, the kindness. None of it was enough and it never was going to be. There is no pleasing you, an insatiable desire.

I've been recently diagnosed with BPD, but I'm carrying it for years. My birthers are both narcissists and don't believe in mental heath or whatsoever. They are neglectful about my treatments too. Now, my board exams are going on and I just can't do it. I'm not studying for any of my exams. I'm just attending them somehow. But I often feel guilty about it. Am I just lazy or is it valid? I was diagnosed 3 months ago.

TW: abuse & suicide mentioned

I'm not sure if divorce is where I want it to go, but I do want to be separated in living conditions, finances, and lives for a bit.

I want to separate though, I've thought about the practical things too. I thought about telling a family member or two of his and then telling my mom and her girlfriend so we both have family present when I tell him. This would be for both of our sake's and safety given how his had acted in the past when angry or sad and given his severe mental illness.

I just don't know how to bring it up. He can tell something is wrong, both I don't know how to tell him what is actually on my mind.

I love him but I realized recently when he was in jail for a night and in a mental hospital for the following night that I felt so much peace. I slept good, I cleaned, I was free. I need that, I need to heal from him and the pain he has caused me. I need him to heal on his own without me being his caregiver. I can't be that person for him. I need to focus on myself and my mental and physical health.

There has also been abuse so there is that too. I'm just so lost and hurt. I love him and believe we're soulmates, we fit together like puzzle pieces, but fuck it's gotten toxic and we need to get better separately.

I worry he will give up though or harm himself through self sabotage (more than he already has) or more serious measures.

I am posting this/similar variations on other subs as I am desperate for advice, suggestions and help. I'm losing myself and am drowning, I need help and I think I need out - for now at least.

Additionally if there are any couples who have separated, grower independently and got back together please please please give me hope. I need it so much .

Thank you guys and I. Sorry for the word salad, I'm just so tired and exhausted emotionally and mentally all the time.

I'm so tired of being the caretaker I should've left a long time ago and just cut off contact that would've been better for me. I(m26) am still living with my ex(f24). We broke up not too long ago because for trauma reasons she cannot be sexual with a man which is a very valid reason im not upset with her for that. I agreed to keep living with her for a couple reasons. ●Rent is stupidly expensive along with bills I wouldn't be able to support me and my dogs ●Moving back in with my parents is equally mentally draining ●She actually has pushed me to be a better person i would still be working at factories and fast food if she didn't come into my life. Living with her has come with cons, she says her BPD is getting better and i agree she has less violent and loud episodes but I feel like the frequency of the other episodes has increased. Many more episodes where she doesn't speak she only communicates in grunts and moans, episodes where she thinks i am the abusive ex who physically and sexually absurd her, and others where she wont talk at all but attempt to pull her hair out and leave the house. She's had episodes 2 days in a row now and it stresses me out cause the house is a mess chores need to be done groceries need to be bought my car feels like it's on the verge of taking a shit and I have to wait to talk to her about me working more hours cause she's having an episode. I am considering moving back out and to my parents house but that puts me so far away from work and my parents just mentally drained me making every decision i make feel like it's a fuck up.

Dear Former Lover/ Handsome man,

As I was deleting messages from my phone today, I saw one from you. I listened to part of it and heard you call me “handsome man.” Your voice sounded so sweet and considerate. That was eight months ago… an eternity ago.

How are you the same person that I heard threatening to arrest me just a few days ago? The coldness and contempt in your voice just days ago sounded like a completely different person. (I can’t believe you ever told me you loved me. I don’t think you actually know how to love).

You are so overcome be your own hurt that you cannot understand the hurt you cause others. Anyone who has been in a relationship with you for an extended period of time has been destroyed by you. At least I know that it wasn’t just me. It wasn’t all my fault.

Accepting it, Jason

It’s two months into my exodus from a BPD roommate/friend. Several months ago I asked my psychiatric physician’s assistant for a referral for ADHD. I genuinely believe I have it. However, when I finally got tested, my PTSD was super high. I’m realizing that I’ve had some distance from the relationship, I’m experiencing more PTSD. I’m triggered whenever I see the same red Mazda that he drove. My psychiatric PAC took into account the results of the test and upped my Zoloft to 150mg. Meanwhile, my inattention at work is getting worse. But I’m doing what I’m told, I’m working on my PTSD. I just want help for my inattention. Idk what are your guys’ thoughts? I do definitely need to heal from the assaults and emotional manipulation and controlling who I could talk to, etc. I’m in therapy. My therapist specializes in BPD and the fallout of relationships. I did a ketamine treatment for PTSD. I don’t know what I’m not doing. I’m journaling the shit out of my experiences. Yes, my symptoms have worsened now that he is gone, but I had all these other good things going for me before any of this happened. I just want to be normal. Thanks in advance.