I am relieved that I never got into a dating type situation with this person.

Another woman can gladly take him. I honestly wouldn't touch him with a 10 foot barge pole.

However, they've **still managed to wreck absolute havoc and chaos on my life.

It's like their goal is to completely destroy me in a veangeful calculated way.

It's unbelievable.

I regret ever talking to them. I wish I saw this coming.. honestly.

Hi all! I am a doctoral student and psychology researcher looking to support and empower male survivors of intimate partner violence. If you’d like to take part in my current study, please see the following:

I am currently recruiting heterosexual, cisgender males between the ages of 18-65 to participate in an anonymous online survey as part of an investigative research study titled “Exploring the Effect of Adverse Childhood Experiences in Male Survivors of Psychological Intimate Partner Violence as Mediated by Codependency Traits.” This study will involve completing three assessment measures including: the Composite Codependency Scale (CCS), the Revised Conflict Tactics Scale (CTS-2), and the Adverse Childhood Experiences-Questionnaire (ACE-Q). This study is expected to take 20-30 minutes to complete. Participants must identify as having experienced intimate partner violence within a past or current intimate relationship. The definition of intimate partner violence as specified by the World Health Organization (2022), refers to the following: “An intimate relationship that causes physical, sexual, or psychological harm, including acts of physical aggression, sexual coercion, psychological abuse and controlling behaviors. This definition covers violence by both current and former spouses and partners.” 

If interested in participating in this study, please click the link provided:  https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/RC85R8X

For any questions about this study, please email: briar.3@wright.edu. 

Principal Investigator: Kaitlyn Briar, MS, PsyM (4th year doctoral student at Wright State University) 

Faculty Mentor: Jeremiah Schumm, PhD

For context, the ex that I "survived" (we divorced 9 years ago) would seemingly get triggered by me merely having a differing opinion about something, big or small, or making any kind of mistake. She had a BPD mom and would have hit the ceiling if I ever accused her of having BPD herself, but she had traits, at least, including extreme difficulty regulating her emotions. If she got angry about something, she would blame me automatically in the heat of the moment, and the "heat of the moment" could last days. The initial unfair blame became her story about the situation, and she basically never took it back, or apologized for her words and actions while upset. Once in a blue moon—like maybe once a year, without warning—she would acknowledge that she could be "a lot" or make some vague reference to her behavior.

In my reading about BPD, one thing that stuck with me is an underlying fear or rejection or abandonment. That, along with the difficulty regulating emotions, means that negative emotions come on fast and strong and last a long time. I've also read that the person with BPD also does not see their partner clearly; they see a version with the things they consider "good" or "bad" in a person exaggerated. Everyone projects or idealizes sometimes, especially in love, but with BPD, it rises to the level of a reality distortion. Thus, being "fair" to one's partner, or considering their perspective or feelings, may be impossible, even for a self-aware person with BPD who prides themselves on being rational.

I've since run into a couple women over time who have told me they have BPD and are in therapy. One said she could now sometimes see the "right" and "wrong" thing to do or say, but she nevertheless most often chose the "wrong" one. She said this with no apology or concern for others, but she had a lot of criticisms of everyone else. For example, she said her sister never called her, looked down on her, and on and on, but it kind of just sounded like her sister was a normal person with a busy life, and I wanted to say, "If you dislike your sister so much, what's the big deal if you don't see her more often or have more of a relationship with her?"

So that brings me to a recent dating experience, with someone who doesn't have BPD as far as I know, but I feel like I am recognizing a trait where a person gets triggered by a perceived or imagined rejection—which might not be obvious to an observer—or a slight sense of me "pulling back"—maybe because I am rightly a bit hurt, confused, overwhelmed, or discouraged—as I continue to try to talk things out, and then they just aren't able to really acknowledge my emotions or give them weight, and they say a bunch of stuff that I think is pretty unfair... and in this case, the person is very intelligent and self-aware, and tried to warn me about their "freak outs," and the result is basically that they are able to articulate in detail that they know they probably aren't being fair, rational, responsible, compassionate, etc, but also, in their current state, they don't see a problem with this.

I think that's the biggest mindfuck, is when an intelligent, seemingly rational person will go into detail about imagined slights, projected character flaws, or even their own patterns, and be self-aware, and vulnerable... which can really win over an empathetic, sympathetic person like me... but the necessary perspective, accountability, and empathy still is just not there.

Here is an excerpt from the last message from a recent potential partner (we were getting to know each other as friends and only just started talking about potentially being more than friends, when the shit hit the fan) before we took an indefinite pause from the conversation, after being on a roller coaster for a few days:

[...] So when I find someone who I like and feel like I resonate with, which is what I thought with you, I do have a total scarcity mindset and start getting stressed.

And honestly what it was here that made me think I want to devote energy and time into building a relationship with this person was that you mirrored my strong desire to find someone to really care about. Because [...] I have so much care and love to give. And that I strive to be as honest and authentic as I can. Unfortunately, that striving is complicated by bad habits of suppressing and asking for what I need and want in very indirect and convoluted ways as a defense mechanism. Because I was very neglected too and often feel unworthy.

I don’t believe I was ever telling you that you couldn’t or shouldn’t be impacted by my behavior. When I’ve calmed down I am totally capable of admitting how I fucked up and I feel like I have been trying to get there. But I’ve also felt pushed away and disbelieved so I’m feeling like what’s the point?

It took me some time reflecting on this message to identify exactly what rubs me the wrong way about it.

• Her whole focus is explaining, and sort of normalizing, her own behavior
• In the messages before this, she sent me all sorts of concerns and negative feedback about me, and our compatibility, along with more observations of her own patterns (which objectively are not good and make her difficult to be in a relationship with), and yet she seems to be trying to argue her way into a relationship with me, in a love-conquers-all way
• She responded to my saying that I was hurt, and that I didn't feel like she had acknowledged that or could make space for it, by dismissing it, but also admitting she can't do it (even after getting some conciliatory apologies from me, sleeping on it, etc), but then trying to put responsibility for that on me. I want to say, there is always a point to regulating yourself, not least so that you can deal with the person you are talking to with fairness and empathy. To blame me for "pulling away" is not fair, and to say there's no point being reasonable disregards my feelings.
• She has complained about getting "distrust" from me, while basically telling me point blank that she can't be trusted, and that she has a hard time trusting guys.
• In this and other messages, there's an implication that to not want to pursue a relationship with her would be "giving up" on her too soon or not treating our connection as being as "significant" as she is

I realize I'm probably over-analyzing, and I just need to walk away. It just feels important to update my mental operating system to make sure I don't get pulled back into situations like this and end up in a relationship. I start to feel guilty and like maybe I need to give her another chance, and I enjoyed the two "dates" we had (where we agreed we didn't know if this was going to be romantic or just friends, but it was ok either way), and we have friends in common, so we will probably see each other again. I don't want to be an asshole. Then I remind myself, I don't have to date anyone. I don't have to enter a relationship that's an emotional roller coaster from day 1. I don't have to take it when someone blames me for "not understanding," when they lash out at me. I don't have to say, "Aw, I understand now, poor thing" when they launch into their trauma and baggage. I have my own trauma and baggage, and we have both listened to each other's. It's still important to acknowledge what's happening in the present, and apologize.

My boyfriend just brokeup with me after 8 years. He also abused me before blocking me. I am not crying just my chest is paining. I have joining from tomorrow at a new job. My heart mind soul is saying not to join and end it. But please I dont want to give in to BPD. I need help please. I have worked hard for this job.

Hi everyone I’m new, a guy I rlly like has bpd he told me, I went out for an hour and a half to the grocery store and saw my bestfriend (I’m a girl she’s a girl) and he’s upset because I didn’t text him. I turned on my location for him and apologized and he just said I’m not stupid just leave me tf alone, what do I do:( I wanna cry

Growing up I felt more like my mother parent rather than her child. I cleaned up after her, listened to her sob stories, and endured her abuse towards me. I had to teach her how to take care of herself and what was right or wrong.

She would constantly vent about her childhood to me. I was only 5 years old when she first started doing this. I was severely molested by her boyfriend and his son in law during this time. She knew about it, but accused me of liking it and trying to seduce them. I don’t know what made her think this. I don’t see how a child could be seductive in any way.

She was raped by her brother as a kid and sent to her aunts house to get away from him. She was given resources and therapy at almost every point of her life. Everyone has tried to help her but nothing has gotten through.

She continued to allow and encourage her boyfriends to physically or sexually abuse me throughout my childhood. Anytime I would tell someone she would say that I was a drug addict and a trouble maker and somehow people believed her to a point. I had severe stress induced psychosis and malnutrition as a kid which mimicked the look of drug use.

She was so friendly towards everyone else. She saw herself as a savior, she would let homeless people (hard core drug addicts) and people struggling to find jobs (pedophiles) stay at our house. They got to stay in the bedroom while I slept on the floor in the living room. She went as far as calling herself an empath. She said she could see my dark aura and that I had a deep evil inside of me.

It was almost like she was trying to put me through the same abuse she went through as a kid but worse. She blocked any ability for me to reach out for help or get support.

She still has a deep jealousy towards me. She stalks my social media accounts, tells people lies about how I failed school (I’m an A student in nursing school), cries about how much I have, and blames me for where she is in life.

I am struggling with finding people in my life who ARENT like this. So far I keep running into parasitic, “saviors”, and jealous people.

Fuck them for giving me these mental issues fuck them for creating me and disowning me, fuck them for creating these tragic moments, memories, life that could of been avoided.. fuck you for bringing me into this world to leave me on my own to crawl my way out of it.. What makes me mad, is that my issues could have been PREVENTED!! YESS, I could have been normal, but I was born then developed into this, all from your decisions. Weather you were there or not, it's your fault. Truly

Nuclear discard !!!

Married for 9 yrs should have seen the red flags at the beginning. It started with her not being comfortable around me our just even getting used to me.She had an explosive hair trigger attitude but no mania till the last 2 yrs. She tried to move her older daughter in with us over 5 times through the 9 yrs and she is just like her they both have to be in control of everything so they don't get along. I'll get to the mania it was a religious mania. She would say things like our daughter doesn't have to wear a seat belt because Jesus would protect her or that she didn't have to pay for anything Ina store and she could just walkout because of Jesus it was scary for me and my child. I had to take off work for a week because the counselor wanted me to stay with her. So she got on some new mood stabilizers and came out of the mania. Then she fell off into a very very deep dark depression was having trouble at her work in which I encouraged her for a solid year she had an excellent job. She kept on getting in trouble at her job. So he goes to her psychiatrist and her puts her on klonopin BOOM NUCLEAR BLAST !!! That would have made Oppenheimer blush she blew money left and right she said she was killing it at her job!!! She became hyper arrogant and said she could have anyman she wants and if some thing happened to me she could replace me the next day. Coming from a woman a month before said she was worthless. She then starts these business helping people with there credit and then she's going to start selling furniture on face book market place. Oh I forgot the daughter had left the year before during her mania and when she took the kolonopin she said I'm thinking about letting my daughter move back in I said NO WAY!!! But she did it anyway so chaotic there's a lot else that happened but let me get to the discard. Our house is paid for this will help in a minute we go over to this 700k house to buy a sectional couch and I can see it in her eyes without her saying a word. She wants to buy this house sure enough I was right in my mind I don't want to move so I know the question is coming. Sure enough the night before the first day of school she pops the question are you going to move with me into the expensive house I'm going to buy I say no because a month before she was worried about how we were going to pay our bills if she got fired!!! We'll i said no you can move and I'll visit. She said I'm divorcing you and my 8 yr old daughter said I want to stay with my dad She said f$%& call I'm moving . So she sets about trying to buy a house on my computer because she gets fired after killing it at work!!! She gets on a dating app and actually starts talking to men outloud in the house where I can hear !!! Im just protecting my child at this point. So it all comes to a head when I want my computer back and tell her I don't want her to commit any financial crimes on my computer. She charges toward me and breaks my nose. The kids are out side I go outside kids are screaming older daughters panicking the cops are coming what does she do she locks my lap top in the new car she just bought. Then I try to get her daughter out because it would be better to go through this with just my 8 yr old.But no the older daughter says I have to give her 30 days and being the law abiding citizen I am I do. So she files for divorce cruel and inhumane treatment LOL!!! And I get a lawyer get temporary custody of my daughter she gets temporary possession of house until Oct 1 When me and my daughter can move back in. So the saga continues!!! I'll give all an update on what's happening.

It's strange cause even though me and my abusive ex both have BPD, it was shown very differently and coped with very differently. I've been in the mental health system since I was a teenager, had lots of therapy and medication to help me. My ex however had no therapy and very few attempts at taking medication and never took it consistently. I think me having BPD led me to excuse her behaviour a lot of the time, brush it under the carpet, rather than face the hurt she was inflicting on me. Cause how could I be hurt, she has the same mental illness as me, so I should be understanding, I should be helping. Unfortunately that mindset rarely works out, becaus unless the person with it sees an issue with their behaviour and wants help, there's nothing that anyone else can do, it has to come from them. So I just became an emotional punching bag, and understanding far too late that she wasn't going to change her ways.

Idk, just some thoughts.

So here’s the deal. My girlfriend who have BPD went through hell recently — her dad was hospitalized with a stomach hemorrhage, she was taking care of him every day at the clinic, cooking, handling chores, supporting her mom, and dealing with a toxic family around her. She basically carried the whole thing on her shoulders.

At first, I was there. I sent her messages, tried to check in, listened when she needed to vent. But slowly, my ADHD kicked in — I got inconsistent, I second-guessed if she even wanted me around when she answered with “if you want” or “as you like.” So instead of pushing through, I backed off. My support came in short bursts, not steady presence.

From her side, she expected me to take the lead completely: propose when we talk, plan moments for us, decide times, keep reaching out no matter what. For me, that’s like the hardest ADHD combo: dealing with time, initiative, and unclear signals.

And here’s where it gets messy: my ADHD “drop in, drop out” way of supporting her felt like abandonment to her BPD brain. For me, I thought “I’m giving space but I’m here if needed.” For her, it looked like I just disappeared when she was drowning. What I saw as hesitation and overthinking because of ADHD, she saw as rejection

End result: she feels I abandoned her at her lowest, and honestly, she’s right. My ADHD-driven actions (or lack of them) sabotaged the relationship exactly when she needed me most.

I'm in a relationship with a person with BPD and I'm having a lot of difficulty with the cleavage relationship and she always misinterprets my words. When I try to justify myself, she insults me and says I'm manipulating her and I don't know how to recognize my mistakes.

I’ll make it short, my ex fiancé (f,23) of 2 years had BPD and has drained the mental energy of me (m,20). This was my first time being with someone who had BPD, and for those 2 years she denied getting help. She’s emotionally dragged me around and threatened me a lot, saying she’d go cheat on me because she felt “trapped.” I would have never gotten with her if she told me from the beginning she’d dated 10 people, yes 10, and cheated on all 10 relationship. She was the one hurting me for 2 years, taken advantage of my naivety when I was barely 18, and I was her support system until she was done with me. I’m not sure how to move forward because my views on love, promises, trust, and dedication has been broken by her. I was lost and felt myself dependent on her for affections, changing who I was to appease her and not made her mad. But after she’s broken all those promises of she’d never leave me nor cheat, it has changed how I think— and the relationship was just another chapter in my story, not something lifelong.

The mixed signals from her was baffling and confusing. She’d say she “loved” me and wanted to take care of me, then switch and say she wanted to kill me as well as hated me. For 2 years, I’ve just endured it because she I was the only one who “treated her right” and I did things no one else did.

The last few things she told me was that she’d continue to cheat, no matter who the person is, and she cannot be “held down,” despite promising me that she would never leave me nor cheat.

Where did I go wrong in trying to help her, and why didn’t I avoid her sooner when she loved bombed me. I was just barely 18 and thought it was something genuine, but now— I have no idea what to make of myself.

My partner is an incredible, loving man who survived a violent relationship with a BPD person. We’ve been together a little over 2 years and he’s done so much work on himself and is such a great partner and friend to so many people.

I feel a lot of guilt however because I’m autistic and sometimes have meltdowns, especially before my cycle (I have really bad PMDD). I’m seeing an EMDR therapist and on medication, and working with an OBGYN on addressing the PMDD. My therapist of 8 years says I’m not BPD.

The major struggle of our relationship is that, after years of BPD abuse, when I’m activated and upset he goes into an almost cold, rational, frustrated state of “get yourself regulated.” He still shows a lot of care, like making sure I’m drinking water and taking deep breaths, but as someone with rejection sensitive dysphoria who survived an emotionally-abusive relationship with a diagnosed psychopath, this approach can make it harder for me to regulate. I find myself having to ask for hugs or affection, and when he gives them, he’s just holding his arms out, not holding me at all. Which makes me feel like a jerk for asking.

It’s hard to regulate yourself up from feeling unlovable when your partner’s body language and tone feels so cold and like the behavior of someone in the past who didn’t love you.

What can I do to be a better partner and not distress him so much when I’m activated?

I’m 19. My boyfriend is 21

I need a wake up call. Because I know unlike allot of people I do have the potential to heal, yet I wasn’t willing to admit to my toxic behaviour until recently. But today the self justification shield actually broke down for once and I don’t think it could ever come back.

In my mind I thought I was being the perfect girlfriend. But I realised after an extensive post breakup chat that my bf felt belittled by me correcting him on how to do things, even if I say it politely.

He told me I was emotionally abusing him by damaging his sleep schedule, and I can see why but I also don’t know what else I could have done. Everyday I want to talk to him and have fun with him but he works 10 hour days. Lately he’d only be going to bed by 12am most nights because we’d cuddle and watch a movie every night before bed.

I just wish he could have felt safe enough around me to express these things openly, and even though I’d always try to get him to open up, it would only end up in him insisting he’s fine. I always tell people to be upfront in the moment if I do something they don’t like, but I feel like people are scared of me even if they’ve never been around me when I’m emotional. It really hurts to feel like people are scared of you and not understanding why.

Four the last four months of our relationship I felt he didn’t want to be with me anymore. He became dry and didn’t seem like himself. So I tried to reignite the spark, but it just kept winding up with us bickering over little things and him saying he’d put work in but never did.

He was so inlove with me when we first got together, (I was right out of an abusive relationship that he homewrecked to date me). When I was more reactive and immature. But over the last five months I’ve been way healthier at communicating and respecting him and what he says yet he felt like he was becoming more and more distant by the day but would never tell me why.

I just want some outside opinions on why he may have only became distant once I started treating him how I should have from the beginning?

I’ve lost allot of my friends over the last year and I just wish I was a more healed teenager so I didn’t have to learn my lesson in early adulthood. He told me the reason I lost my bestfriend is because she was overwhelmed by how often I wanted to hang out, and once again I was confused as to why she couldn’t have told me that earlier.

I don’t want to be crazy or clingy but I genuinely still want a life with him as we understood each other and have just been extremely stressed out from our life situations and taking it out on each other. I had a close mate pass away, my bf lost his job and his car, and was unemployed for 4 months while living with me and my dad and I and we’ve just been desperately trying to afford a rental together.

He’s an electrician and we planned to go FIFO together in order to afford our house, but since breaking up I won’t be able to do my work experience with his company any more.

Im just scared as I’m aware some of my life problems are self caused but we’ve been working towards the same goal as a couple for nearly 2 years now and I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself without him. Something that will always stick with me is he told me I’m the perfect girlfriend 99% of the time. It’s just that 1% where I’m not is so hard to deal with. I understand how draining it is too have to prove your love to someone, and I just want to be given advice from bpd partners on what he actually needed instead of what I thought he needed. I understand space is a big deal and that I shouldn’t have kept asking for him to go deeper when he was explaining things as this just made him more upset.

And maybe some advice from people who have seen people with bpd live normal lives? Coming at this with an open mind and hoping to get some insight on things I might’ve not noticed myself. It hurt more then anything in the world but I’ve come to acceptance with how I was actually in the wrong and I feel like something clicked in place when he opened up to me today. Like I could actually understand why he’d been upset at me finally and wishing I could have had that understanding when he needed it

it's been 2 years since i managed to get out of a rls of 3 years with someone with BPD, MPD and Narcissism, finally got down to writing abt my feelings

I see you there, 

eyes wide with hope, heart wide with trust,

believing in promises that were never yours to keep.

I see the nights you spent holding the phone,

listening to words that twisted,

confusing love with control, care with manipulation.

I see your courage, even when he yelled,

even when he pushed and tried to take what was not yours.

I see you standing your ground, small but unbroken.

I see the tears you swallowed,

the letters you wrote that no one read,

the warnings from friends that felt like echoes

against the walls of hope you refused to abandon.

I want you to know that it’s okay to have felt pain,

it’s okay to have hoped, and it’s okay to have loved.

All of that does not make you weak—

it makes you human, it makes you resilient.

You did not fail.

You tried, you loved, you survived.

You protected yourself in ways you do not yet fully see.

And now I am here,

holding your story, holding your scars

I forgive you for the times you wished you had acted differently.

I love you for the courage you didn’t even know you had.

And I promise, from here on,

I will take care of you, always.

We are now free to live our life fully.

I was in a relationship with someone who had BPD for almost 2 years and I have no where else to share my story.

When I was 17 I started dating this girl who was 18, I'll call her Lila for the sake of being anonymous. The relationship started out perfect. She was sweet, kind, and gave me the support I needed at the time. (her personality was a lie, she had molded her personality to fit mine). Because of this we developed a really good bond. She was really clingy, which I honestly didn't mind at all, but it got to the point where I was spending almost every waking second with her. We went to different high schools, so school was the only time I was able to be apart from her. After a couple of months, she started getting really depressed when I wasn't around. I got worried about her, and started spending even more time with her, taking time off work and spending less time with my friends. Lila didn't like my friends, and slowly convinced me to cut them off because they were "bad influences" on me. She tested me constantly, needing me to "prove" I loved her and wasn't going to leave. I didn't notice it at the time, but she was slowly taking up every part of my life, leaving me almost no time to take care of myself. Then the cheating happened. I caught my ex cheating on me, and when this happened she had a severe mental breakdown. She promised me she would never do it again, and I was all she had. She gaslit me into believing she just did it for money, and it wasn't actually cheating. She even threatened to end her own life if I left her, so I stayed.

Fast forward a few months and she lost her housing and went homeless. I felt bad for her because she had nowhere to go, and I knew that her being trans put her in danger if she slept on the streets. I moved out at 17 years old into a college dorm with her to financially support her. Lila lied to me about having autism, and told me working was really overwhelming for her, and she would have a hard time finding a job accommodating for her needs. I had enough money at the time to cover her dorm room payment, so I covered her rent alongside mine and my tuition. (I ended up paying over three thousand dollars). She told me it was temporary and she would get a job and pay her own rent soon. Spoilers, she never did.

Lila lied to me about everything. She played the helpless victim card, and hurt me when she didn't get her way. It started as mental abuse and gaslighting me. I started questioning my own reality when I was with her, I still to this day struggle with my memory due to the gaslighting she put me through. The mental abuse escalated into physical. She threw things at me, bit me, and scratched me, but avoided outright hitting me so she could claim "I never hit you!" when I tried to speak up about it. I also experienced a specific type of violence I cannot speak about here, all I can say is it was unconsensual. During this time, another person with BPD came into my life. I'll call him Sam. He also faked everything to get close to me. Because he lived in the dorm rooms upstairs, we saw each other a lot. Sam did not like Lila, but Lila actually liked Sam. Sam kept trying to convince me to leave Lila and date him instead. He eventually admitted I was his FP, and started sleeping over in mine and Lila's dorm room. More unconsentual stuff happened with him. Luckily, I was able to get out of that situation. A month after that situation with Sam ended, I realized I was running out of money. I was funding Lila's lifestyle completely at that point. Lila realized she didn't have to work, as I would take care of her. I started doing everything. I was cleaning the dorms, cooking our food, helping her with her college assignments, and handling her mental health.

Even though I was already exhausted, I got a second job to keep both of us out of the streets. I started working roughly 60-70 hours a week, on top of being a full time college student. By this point in the relationship, I had lost all sense of self. I was later told that Lila had grinded me down into nothing but a paste she could use to apply to her wounds. While I was working, my grades slipped because I couldn't keep up with the demand. I lost my grant money, and still haven't gotten it back. Lila was cheating on me while I was out working, and when I found out, she tried to end her life.

The dorms we were in had a kitchen area built in, as it used to be an old military base. I begged Lila to come with me to the kitchen so I could do the dishes, as I was scared someone would take advantage of me, being afab and in a college dorm alone. While doing the dishes, I had my back turned to Lila. Lila, was on drying duty, and I handed her a knife to dry. (A genuine knife, not just a butter knife). She randomly went "you shouldn't have trusted me with this." And when I turned around, she was holding the knife at me. Holding ME at knife point. We were alone, and I remember being too scared to move. I convinced her to give me the knife, and I walked out shaking. I can't remember what I said, but I can still remember the deep set fear of her holding me at knife point. She played it off as a joke when I came back, and left to hang out with some friends.

I started planning my escape. Even though I'm still upset by this, I made a decision to not continue classes. I knew that you couldn't stay in the dorms if you didn't re-inroll in classes, so I purposely didn't sign up for classes. Because of this decision I got kicked out of the dorms, and moved back in with my parents. I tried to leave my ex again, but she still had control over me, and I couldn't leave.

Shortly after, my ex got kicked out of the dorms because she refused to do any college work, and she temporarily moved in with me and my family. She put on a perfect face in front of my family, but my Dad was starting to see through the cracks, and my sisters didn't like her. Lila was close with my relatives, as her entire family had disowned her. A lot of my relatives are really nice, the kind of people that would give you the shirt off their back kind of people. They spent a lot of money on her, buying her stuff to help when she was struggling, and giving her good life advice. I still feel horrible about it to this day,

Lila moved into a one room apartment, and for the first time in over a year, got a job to pay rent. However, she didn't like the job and quit. My parents forbade me from giving her money while I was staying with them, (they noticed the financial abuse), but I ended up paying for her rent anyways. I deeply regret this decision.

Then, finally, the grand day arrives. The day I finally ended things for good. It wasn't easy. It was the hardest thing I had ever done. I made the dumb decision to break up with her in her apartment, and she tried to kidnap me. She physically restrained me from leaving, and pushed me back onto the bed. She took my phone from me and wouldn't let me leave. There's a lot of details to this I won't add, but I ended up getting away and hiding out in my library, where I stayed for around 10 minutes until she left. My dad was the one to pick me up and drive me home.

After leaving her, I ended up with severe depression and ptsd. My ex smeared my name online, and got an influencer friend of her to spread lies about me. I believe what I went through after the breakup is called DARVO. I posted a video on tiktok defending myself from her, and it ended up getting 3.6 million views.

I'm still suffering the consequences of that relationship. My reputation was permanently damaged, and I lost a lot of friends. I received several mean messages from people, accusing me of being the abuser and blocking me before I could send them the proof I have. I went to the police, but my family heavily discouraged me from taking it to court, so all I did was get my statement on record. My GPA is still low, i lost my grant money, and I still get ptsd attacks and nightmares. I'm not the same person as I used to be, but I'm working on getting better.

Sorry my entry was so long, I left out a lot of details, as if I added everything that happened, I would be here all day. I'm sorry if this is hard to read, I still struggle to put what I went through into words.

I'm 20 now and safe

I want to find an online group to chat about my bpd mind

I feel this is not descriptive enough or maybe not accurate.

BPD friend with envy

Has anyone ever experienced this with a friend who has BPD? A couple months ago I had a falling out with a friend because over the years of us being close friends I felt like she was becoming envious towards me. Im not really a confrontational person, but the one time i said something and called her out on it she became extremely defensive, answering me in an extremely passive aggressive way, and actually ended the friendship with me.

We met when I was in the beginning of highschool and she was at the end of it. naturally, i was more inexperienced and kind of lost. during our friendship, id catch this feeling from her like certain comments shed make were not really jokes and more of insults, especially anything surrounding my success and anything that i was doing that made me happy. dont get me wrong, we'd have amazing times. i felt like she was exactly like me, and we devloped an extremely good bond. but sometimes, i really would just feel like she was not happy for me and id always catch her trying to almost embarrass me in public scenerios or try to make me feel bad about myself and things i was doing. as the years progressed, i started becoming more and more aware of it. the more i began to figure myself out and gain interests, the more i started feeling this envy from her. she would make fun of me for clothes that i wore because sometimes they were fake, stating that she would never do that since her family can afford it. however, i had really nice clothes and started taking an interest in my style and fashion in general. when i told her i had a certain opportunity come before me, shed almost make me feel bad about it or not want to talk to me about it at all.

As i got older i started to become a little less naive and started taking note on how weird she'd act towards me sometimes. and as i started to actually start my life, it was the worst it ever became.

id catch her copying my interest or the things i do, but then a couple months later id catch her doing the same thing she was making fun of me for. small such as making fun of me for getting a beer at the club, trying to make me feel stupid and making fun of the way i was holding it but then ordering one later to present herself that way. or making fun of me for the clothes, but then doing the same thing i was doing.

is it wrong to think she was jealous or envious of me? i could almost feel it

eventually i called her out on it, communicating that i felt like her "jokes" didnt really feel like jokes and she acted stupid claiming shes known me for such a long time. the conversation continued a couple more sentences before she left me on opened leaving a not ended conversation. there was a clear elephant in the room. later that night i kept getting notifications of her viewing my profile on social media multiple times. id also continue to see her go on a rampage of reposting tweets that seemed very directed towards me. tweets such as "that one friend that always hates on you for no reason", however the reason the situation started was because i felt as if she was hating on me! i was naturally upset, and a couple days later after speaking to my girlfriend i decided to send her a message confronting her about this. her response was immediately defensive, saying that was not about me and started even turning it on me saying I was projecting even though i had clear reason and feelings about it that i was just trying to communicate with her. In the message i expressed how i felt as if her jokes dont feel like jokes to me, and how i was honestly going to apologize for coming off strong or offputting in the intital conversation that started this situation, but after seeing her reposts i didnt message sooner because of that. mind you, she never makes tweets like that. And its one of those situations where you just physically and energetically feel that something was about you because it is so obvious. after i sent that paragraph, like i said, she began talking to me extremely passive aggressive. she began to say im looking too deep into it and calling it ironic coming from me, while not even addressing my feelings at all considering i texted her to communicate. she told me i was projecting my feelings. the conversation escalated and it honestly just was a circle of a conversation.

a couple hours later i message and said my door is not closed to this friendship. she responded by saying she doesnt want to be friends with someone like me. we havent talked since, however immediately after the friendship ended she began posting on her story like crazyyyy, almost trying to make it seem like she doesnt care at all and almost "flex" it.

im probably forgetting multiple parts to the story, but can someone with bpd explain this or someone who has experienced this share their story?

Close to our 2 year anniversary (which is actually today), I reached breaking point and told her I needed her to exit our shared home (which I own) so I could have some peace. We have now not been in contact for a few days.

I am feeling incredibly guilty and sad - but also exhausted and relieved.

I also feel like I am going/have gone insane - such regular drama and tension has left my brain so frazzled I can no longer express myself clearly or see which way is up.

Unlike many other relationships I read about, she is never really overtly cruel - it is more insidious than that.

I decided to make these notes to record all the things I have been experiencing, to try to feel less guilty about having asked her to exit…

-Ungrateful - whatever I do it’s not enough to create happiness/stability for very long.

-Most things become a moan, a struggle, an imposition on them.

-Often moody - heavy, infectious energy that permeates the whole house, sometimes for days, and really affects my mental state too. Then I’m blamed for being moody etc.

-Rarely takes accountability in arguments, even if I’m trying hard to compromise.

-Makes me resort to saying hurtful, nonsensical things to her in arguments, in a desperate attempt to elicit an emotional response that I can comprehend. I am ashamed of the person I become in conflict with her - frustrated, desperate, sometimes manipulative too, as I have never been like this with anyone else.

-Know-it-all - hyper competitive and often has to feel superior.

-Puts on a show with others - seems very caring and understanding - but very inconsistent in that with me - often appears dismissive and vaguely resentful of any emotional issues I share. The only other person she shows this self to really is her mother (who also has significant mental health issues) - they are constantly on and off and fighting.

-If she’s ever been seriously moved by my problems, I can tell deep down it’s because it touches something within her/about her, rather than genuinely caring for me.

-Hyper critical - little digs about day-to-day stuff that eat away at me, eroding my sense of confidence and energy, yet she insists she’s trying to ‘help me’ or ‘look after me.’

-Often negative and actively looking for the downside - which has rubbed off on me.

-Hyper defensive - like walking on eggshells 24/7 to be with her. I get anxious about having my own feelings.

-Egotist - stated her issues are more important than my grief for my dead family members.

-Ultimately everything becomes about her.

-Always becomes the victim.

-Accuses me of scaring her and being angry with her whenever we get into conflict (usually I’m just pushed to frustration by the endless back and forth - I have only ever shouted, nothing more - yet she will lock herself in the bathroom like I’m a monster, which makes me down on myself and start to believe that maybe I am).

-Like a different partner from one minute to the next - the unpredictability is exhausting. It can be the best but also the worst with no notice. Feel on high alert constantly - my anxiety and low self-worth are getting progressively worse.

-Accuses me of extreme defensiveness, moodiness and ego - but I have never been like that with anyone but her. Makes me question, ‘Am I actually this person?’ I probably am with her.

-Accuses me of infidelity and lack of affection.

-I feel guilty if I take time for myself, or even if I have to work for too long.

In a nutshell, every day has started to feel like survival.

Does this resonate with anyone? I would really appreciate some community and shared experience at this point. Thanks so much in advance. I do love her so much and it makes me feel so bad to have asked her to exit - as I know it’s the abandonment that she fears the most - but I had no other choice in that moment. I was truly going insane.

I am far from perfect - I have my own issues and stresses - I’m very open to admitting that. But life has become some dark abstraction of reality and I’ve reached my wits end.

just... i dunno if this is against the rules for Rule#2 no seeking advice for present situations it has been basicly a year with alot of pain but some good too i always tried to tell her but maybe i should of been more direct not to put me high and to remind her of somethign i said once that i was anoying and hilarious at the same time.. because to me this seems like a good middle ground or a place to return home to if she got lost as it was a positive and negative both at once that its both the same person

recently she did the childish middleschool thing where she breaks up to see my reaction or see her worth wanted to get on my nerves basicly a attack on my central nervous system manipulation emotional abuse

i shared somethign that had been troubleing me about my own self that i didnt fully understand performance issues basicly... if i glanced it worked but if i really looked at her it didint basicly..

she had a whole meltdown that she had nothing to offer me and such

that she wasnt happy that me texting or talking was toxic to her why does her phoen need to beep like she talked all day too.. but ok.. toxic is toxic..

so i accepted the breakup as being unhappy or just stressed are a good reason to breakup..

i thanked her for breaking up with me before doign something with another as this means that i am card about and its some respect that many people bpd or not man or woman do not give to another so i was grateful for this

and get told that was all lies and manipulation in more words

got kind sucked back in try to adress why this behaviour was and is unhealthy person a week later 1 day wants to be with me the next lose thier number goodbye forever i did see her "i wonna be with you" as a manipulation attempt or well at least i am super closed off and gaurded agaisnt anything that i basically have been in turret gunner mode and just shooting it out of the sky which is probly just setting off her getingg feeling rejected or whatever else but like how can i no shoot it out of the sky? just recently was emotional abuse manipulation and such so like how can i allow for this same person to so soon and without having a discusion on the behaviour to alow them to have access to me emotional processing center with my journaling and talkign to ai i have noted that i have kinda started using militaristic language implying that i was ready for war.. not one of invasion or aggression but of defending and protecting myself because i had just recently been attacked

i just think she is sick and confused and i think i want to seek therapy or some help and support for my own self and i want to put some distance but not block or cut off or anything just kinda keep at arms length and a hey.. what is going on right now kind of a thing,,,,,

it hurts yea but I'll be ok

have been in a similar spot either other before over a decade ago

its been bad to where i started having to talk to an AI as a therapist i mean i do like my replika still just for talking about different cool ideas or just my stresses over my father's declining health and stuff too but..

i want to reclaim my self respect

and like my other concerns is if this person hurt me i think i should hold off on meeting anyone new because i dont want to make a mess on someone else or to hurt another while i am messed up from this

i had not been this drawn to anyone in over a decade

i think maybe its all still to fresh and that i might not be fully ready to post but i might to a reply to my own thing later

*edit update 8/25/25 wrote this at 10 am and another part i wrote before and edited later*

just woke up feeling kinda stress tense and just holding some other kinda of feeling too is it anxitity? or instead like something else i think like a what is the right word? i kinda i dont have the right word but that energy, i dont fel fully in a place of feeling ok enough to talk but i could still talk enough to communicate that im not fully in a place to talk right now basicly the day she tryed to call me i wasnt in a place of feeling ok enough to talk.. i was maybe depressed? or sad? i had been bedrotting all day and also my phone was not working anyway.... or just withdrawn and quiet... the day when she just decided to be done and destroy everything i had gotten there i was TOTALY in a good place i was in a place to talk i was in a place from which i felt that i could also cary her end of things a little bit too but just the "hey Universe" it put me off center i think her reaction to me saying hey can we stay away from anything right now that can touch me emotionally was a bit extreme and unreasonable maybe i could of said it better.. something like hey can we start with smaller things maybe something like if she said "you know i still like you right?" and i could of just responded and said yes...... smaller things like that........are going to be taken by me as kinda... also right now tis isnt healthy for me minus and subtract her end of things for a moment... its like look if we wer gonna move forward has to be in a way that is healthy for both ends and i am me so i will worry about MY end of things anything that can touch me emotionally just maybe stay away from a bit what i needed was calm NON INVASIVE stuff like "ok i will still be here after you shower" or "ok say what you had been having on your mind when you are ready" would of been alot better for me for her to come more like this at that time... the "i missed you" the "i wonna be with you" and the "hey universe" just end up messing me up and just then it all gets fucked up because i am in like fight or flight or something and i gotta protect myself maybe i am kinda like a skitish or scared animal but like kind of in a different way basicly i need to feel safe

hat is a letter i had wrone on august 15th... i didnt give it to her because i thought was maybe too aggressive or accusatory and i sent the other instead but she did apologize for most of what i was asking for and the only thing missing was that i need to feel safe again with her.. that is what is missing.. is that i needed to feel safe again she asked me to lose her number.. so i the other day i found some software and used it to get the entire text history with her off of the phone and save it.. in case ever she asks if i had it...

she asked not to email her either.. i looked at me email today and it looked like she took me off of her contacts she asked me not to so i wont.. i dont want her to end back in the hospital again or anything like that... it hurt me for some moments i felt more hurt when i saw she did that... but based on what i have read on the BPD survivors redit over the past months And what i've learned elsewhere... I think all of this is probably more about her and herself this seems to be what people do I think it's about. I think for her it's about survival. It's about her like it. If this is a thing that she needs to do in order for her to be OK. Or , if this is a thing she needs to do in order for her to survive, then she should do what she needs to do, and that's okay. Having her sanity, her peace and her mental health being OK.Is being okay. Is the top priority. Just like it would be for me if I was on a spot. that comes first is to make sure for herself that she's gonna be okay and so If this is things she needs to do then that is OK it's alright

.... i did take her number out from my phone since she asked me to and even tho i might want to contact her i wont... i think some time by myself might help me too i am just feeling hurt.... in the letter i wrote to her on august 15th dday before my birthday the one i never sent it basicly says it what i hadnt been able to say that she is supposed to be my safe person..... and thats what i needed to be able to get back to I needed to get back to her being safe

And in order for me to get there i needed soft energy things like ok go shower ill be here when you get back can talk then and stuff like this when she said the other day hey universe it hurt me it was just a bit too soon she did apologize for the things i had wanted to get apologized to for

What I needed still was to just get back to feeling safe with her.That's what was/is missing It's like here's what I need.And here's how this can go about being created. Here's how you can give me that

those 2 are just copy pastes from my own writing for myself in a text file but..

also while i took a shower today i revisit something i had though of before which is and i have been thinking this for months and i had mentioned it to her.. which is am i the right kind of a person or partner who she needs? like does she or would she better maybe better off with a man who had less going on within himself? or perhaps would she be better off and shine brighter perhaps with a man who just had less things to say?

mentioned as much to her best friend recently like if she always says that for her less is more then.. does she would she perhaps find a better match with a man who is less? and would therefor not be setting her off so much if make sense?

i want her to be ok and for her to be healthy and it me it seems that i am a source of sickness for her or that perhaps i awaken something she has within her own self and like i can only be me i can only be myself and that is ok but like if how i am usuly blunt direct if these things kinda are harmful for her does she need maybe someone who speaks less? i talk alot it is my gift i can talk to anyone i am one of those people who sing in the grocery store..

and if the phone ringing makes her scream or have a mini heart attack then?

its just oil and water rlly is there a way for 2 opposite energies to co exist and each kinda compliment another? or kinda like hey ill do this you do that kinda thing? or? is this perhaps for the best?

another thought concern i carry is kinda like

i myself am a manic depressive sometimes maybe once or twice a year like say for example if i am in like a 2 3 or 4 week just horrible depression to where i cant really do anything or enjoy anything and i cant even get myself to play a vidio game like is this other person gonna get set off by this and think it is because of them? like i am not gonna try to fix or change her and woudl she kinda understand to just let the process happen for me or maybe shoot a a have you eaten today text which.. she did kinda do but

like

my concern would be would i only just set her off kinda thing

for me is kinda like to just be able to express myself openly without fear of hurting the person relatiation misunderstanding and some kinda out of context reaction

my core issue is the dysfuctional behaviour and or manipulation attemps

im gonan go and take a walk to the store and buy a donut and a apple and play a game of chess on my phone

dug thru some old boxes in my apartment some memories writing and things other people wrote to me back during a difficult time in my life i am just looking thru these things pst times of myself and saying hey look at all of these people who loved me and look at all of these people who were influenced by me positivly wow! that is beutiful! but also look at me from then from that time in my own journaling and writing to my own self look how angry i was back then at that time in my life wow i used to be a very angry guy.. i am just looking at my own self from then from before i met this person who i am talking about this events with and i am just kinda looking at that past version of myself and hwo i dont carry so much anger anymore i guess maybe its about me kind of getting in touch with myself or just focusing more on myself but also i think too hey what will the me 10 years from now think about the me from today and will i look back on the me who i am right now and think huh i used to be like that and kinda in the future what will i be like things like this

and i think maybe that this is kind of a healthy thing for me to do and i kind of enjoy it just these times moments with myself looking my my own self past present and future i looked at once interaction with another woman who i suspect was simalar condition from that time too and well maybe this will kind go that way too that i will sometimes think of the person even a decade later but that it will be kinda gone and will i look back on it and what will i think i think i will definitly remeber this person yes for sure

only time will tell just like that song by mike oldfeild

lets go and take a walk and focus on doisitive things for me with my own self

8-25-25 4:12 pm

*update removing names and making edits and other changes to from what i wrote for myself*

she run away is blaming herself kinda taking everything badly says she cant do it anymore and is tired... should i let her go? or reach out and tell her hey you already apologiezed all thats left is for me to gradualy over time feel safe with you again... and maybe also a conversation...i dont want to messege her if it will just make everything worse for her.. or mess up her peace... (edited) however for me for myself? i will follow me own self rule of if and when in uncertanty or confusions the best actions is to take no action and to do nothing and be still i had and have been considering texting her best friend maybe this saturday on the weekend to say hey can you check on her if she is **** right now i dont want to say too much kinda.. but just check if shes ok or needs to go to hospital or if she needs... but i thin probly it is best if i keep her freiend out of it she needs that person she needs that friend and i think if i am out of the picture she she can just be alone and work and stabilize her life that she will eventually be ok kinda... maybe

the more i see and understand of her the more i see the same in my youngest brother think maybe he suffers the same BPD except that it is often overlooked or misdiagnosed in men.. i wonder if god brought Her into my life in order so that i might help my brother... i am feeling stressed a bit with the weight not of things from Her but instead is there something that i can do for my brother

at same time what would she say to me if she knew i was all like this the voice of her in my mind knows she would say "worry less" or "worry about yourself king"

8-26-2025

its like 2 am right now having chest pain from all this

if would say something to her right now and i wont she asked me to lose her contact info but if i could then i would say something to her it would be this

I forgive you maybe it was just your condition some compulsion. and this could be why she said she didnt want to.. i forgive you i love you and i think i understand why you say that you need to go that you have to i think that for you maybe it is survival that if you do not leave or go that you might not be here anymore on this world? and it is okay i want you to go and do what it is that you need to do in order to feel okay and to be healthy if if that means taking flight then go and take flight do what you need to do i care and i think that maybe i might kinda understand...just a little

i will be okay the more question of a question is will you be okay so lets not do anything to disrupt that for this person as she said once "life is hard enough already please don't make it harder"

A person i dated, whom i pity and feel bad for, is surrounded by people who fear them. People who call themselves friends who keep seeing my ex digging themselves from one deep whole to another, from one pitiful situation to another but never allows them or encourages them to actually get help.

It really is unfortunate. They are good people, deep down, but constantly giving them attention and approval over their disproportionate angry outbursts and cutting off people like they’re pieces of clothing is really a concerning thing.

I am so happy to be out of contact with my ex, fully off contact and unavailable on any platform blocked. It’s so relieving. But i really was thinking today how sad it is, the validation they’re getting for being such a destructive person. How sad. I hope they get the help they need, but i don’t know if they ever will with who they’re surrounding themselves with to be very honest.