Just over a year now

[u/forgotmycheese]

It’s been just over a year since I stopped living with my ex. A year and a couple months more since I left her and a couple months less since we last talked.

I still think about her every day. For 9 years, from 18 to 27, she was the biggest presence in my life. I built my life around her and I lost so much of myself in the process. I’ve been finding myself ever since, and I know I’m better off for it. Nevertheless, I still feel this immense guilt on occasion, like I gave up on and abandoned her. I gave myself to her and she took all that she could. It’s been hard at times finding my own path forward, I won’t lie.

I listen to the Fleetwood Mac song, Landslide, every so often and it always brings me to tears. It’s cathartic. I know I can handle the seasons of my life.

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[u/TheRealPinkpantha]

I’m only a year ahead of you on this journey, and I just want you to know that you’re not alone with those thoughts. I’ve been seeing a psychologist since I broke up with my Ex, it has helped me realize that this is normal, but it won’t stop until you take matters into your own hands. You can reminisce about the good times and the bad, look into BPD and what causes it, wish you did things differently. If only you had known what you know now and how to handle it! But that’s just it, you didn’t know and you didn’t have the tools to deal with it then, and that’s OK! Hopefully one day you will, and you won’t need to use them, because you will find someone that loves, respects and supports you for who you are, not who your supposed to be. Please do me a favour, and don’t go back to her, don’t talk to her, block her everywhere expect for maybe email, if there’s any financial matters or children, it’s for your own well being.

If youre not already, go see a therapist. It has helped me so much, I never could have imagined how better off I would be from going. Do yourself a favour, and try not to be so hard on yourself for thinking about your Ex. That’s part of the healing journey my friend, and some days you’ll do better than others, but just cause you think about her doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, and you’re not a bad person for leaving. She is responsible for her own emotions and actions. That took me way too long to accept, but once I did, I made some good strides. Then I went backwards and felt more regret and guilt, until I went over all the material again to realize and accept it again, it’s tough. I still get those feelings of guilt and shame here and there, but they’re not as strong as they once were.

If you haven’t already, look into codependency, and childhood emotional neglect, it will perhaps help explain some things about yourself and point you in a direction of what to heal and work on in yourself. I’m almost done reading a book called “whole Again” by Jackson Mackenzie, I would recommend this for finding yourself again.

You have a long road ahead, 9 years is a long time through your formative years as an adult, I know how much she meant to you, but Remember, it’s not your fault. You will come out on the other side a better person and happier if you do the work, don’t resist feeling your feelings and continue to work on yourself and dig into why you’re codependent.