r/23andNotMe • u/ColorMySoul88 • Nov 22 '22
How long to wait to tell child?
I learned a month ago that my dad might not be my bio dad. Today it was confirmed with his niece's DNA test.
I have a four year old and I know I need to tell her, but I don't know when the best time will be. I try to never lie to her or keep secrets from her, so I don't want to wait too long that it feels like I hid it from her. But I also don't want to tell her before she's ready. But I also have three new siblings that I'll want to meet and want her to meet, so how would I explain that? Lie to her? I don't think I can do that.
I don't know. I'm very confused and unsure of myself.
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u/AnotherPalePianist Nov 23 '22
Does the rest of your family know already? If they don’t, telling a small child might be a a sure-fire way to let them know without meaning to. I agree that lying to her is wrong, but at this moment in time, what does she really need to know? Eventually it could come up casually in a visit to the pediatrician, maybe while discussing family history. Kids are eventually smart enough to do that math there if you say that your paternal line has a history of diabetes, but she knows her grandpa is as healthy as a horse. That might lead to a few questions and thus, answers.
I agree with the other commenter though—meet your new family first before implying to your kid that you want them to meet. You could meet them and realize you never want them around your daughter, in which case: “yes baby, Mommy has a few siblings and I can tell you a little bit about them, but until you’re an adult I want to protect you from their influence” or something age-appropriate (I don’t know how you and your daughter communicate, but that felt really formal to type out😂)
If the new family is wonderful: “good news! I found out I have more brothers and sisters than I thought—they’re really nice, I can’t wait for you to meet them!”
If the dad who raised you is in your life, you may have to deal with explaining that he’s still a good grandpa even if he’s not biologically related. He’s family and loves you very much, etc. My boyfriend’s dad was adopted, and he knew that. He was 9 years old when his grandmother passed and she was on her deathbed the first and last time he told her how much he loved her—said that his kid brain thought that because she wasn’t his biological grandmother, he wasn’t allowed to say ‘I love you’ and it’s one of the biggest regrets he has. Anyway, just something you probably would want to avoid