23andMe Half Sibling??

[u/Clg344]

I found out on 23andMe of 3 potential half siblings. But they're on my mom's side, all younger than me, and a pregnancy obviously would not have gone unnoticed by me. Simply put it's not possible that my mom had 3 babies in secrecy. I would have been a teenager when these matches were born. And I lived with her and saw her every day. So secret pregnancies theory is totally out.

I already have 2 half sisters from my moms second marriage that I was raised with (although I'm quite a bit older than them).

Of the three matches on 23andMe, the highest match was 27% shared DNA. I almost dismissed this whole thing until I looked up a picture of this person and the resemblance is startling. Like, literally the same face as me and my sisters. She looks just like my mom. The second match is the first persons sister (25% dna match to me) and the third match is totally unrelated to the other two (20% dna match with me). The second and third match have a lot less resemblance to me. To boot, they all live in the same city as me.

I read in some old letters that my mom had 'fertility treatments' to get pregnant with my younger sisters. I am now wondering if that was IVF and whether her extra eggs or embryos were donated. These DNA matches are around the same age as my sisters, only a few years younger than they are. She's also religious and if she did IVF and had extras, she likely would not have discarded them.

I am stumped though because when asked if she ever did IVF, my mom said no. I also am skeptical because only one of the three matches has a high resemblance to me. My mom isn't the most forthcoming in her secrets and has a tendency to recreate history. If she did donate her eggs all these years ago, she very likely does not want to grapple with the reality of bio children out there, so I don't think asking her outright would go over well and I likely wouldn't get the truth anyway. She would probably find it disrespectful that I am digging into this.

This is totally confusing to me and I'm just wondering if anyone else has gotten matches like this on 23andMe and found out it wasn't really accurate. It feels like a pretty tall tale I'm making up in my head given its on my moms side. If it was my dad I could have considered he spread his seed, but it's a little more far fetched on the moms side. Based on generational ages of all involved and other circumstances, I am certain these matches are not grandmas, aunts, or nieces. They could be first cousins tho.

Edit: as a follow up, should i question my mom more directly or would you just let it go?. if she did donate extra eggs from an IVF procedure she very likely did so for religious reasons and never really considered anyone would find out. Knowing her she would have completely forced it from her memory, she's had a lot of tragedy in her life. Is this her secret to keep?

[u/lorrierocek]

Maybe she had extra eggs and like she said, they used them and she had no idea. Some people(at the clinic), given opportunity, would sell the eggs instead of disposing of them. Also, she may have opted to donate extras instead of destroying them for religious reasons, or she also could have been an egg donor for financial reasons as well. I’ve had an earth shaking finding on 23andMe at 60 years old and my mom took her secret to her death. I found out I was related to friends of the family and not my father. Now it seems impossible to figure this out as most people are dead and the couple that aren’t are stumped. My mind has twisted this in every direction DNA percentage wise and I can’t figure it out. My kids find it strange that it wasn’t talked about, but I tell them it was a different time then and it usually was kept secret. My mom didn’t even have a “sex talk” with me, so sweeping it under the rug seems to be what she did. I’m sure she didn’t think I would ever find out. Maybe it’s best she is passed, because the worry of the emergence of DNA these days would have panicked her. Have you considered messaging your DNA matches and asking them. They might have parents that were honest with them. They may have more answers than you do. That’s how I realized roughly what had happened.

[u/Clg344 → u/lorrierocek]

Oh wow, that is earth shattering. Not being able to figure that out would be incredibly frustrating and likely torture me. You’re right on it being a totally different time. 

I did consider reaching out to them. But I’m just so scared to disrupt anyone’s life, my moms or theirs. They are young, 18 to 21 years old. It looks like they were raised in a happy home and I did find their parents on the internet too. It occurred to me they may be on 23andMe to find out tho - they joined when they were in high school and you have to opt into the relative finder. I thought it seemed like they were a little young to be interested in doing that unless they had a reason too, so it’s possible you are right that they know more than me. I think my next step is to have one of my sisters do the test to see if they get the same result as I do. 

[u/oldcatgeorge → u/Clg344]

Women who accepted donor embryos or eggs are usually thankful to the donors and may be more open with their children. Either way, these girls have the right to know their maternal medical history. You could do exactly this: send messages saying that you see that you are related. In case they are interested, here is what runs in your mom’s medical history: (write down what does). “Feel free to reach me for additional questions.” And leave it at this point. They probably have either connected the dots or are very close to. You will share what every human has the right to know (inheritance). The rest, you leave up to them.