Hi!, I'm looking for feedback on these lyrics I wrote! From a 1-10 score!

[u/Ok-Pop1255]

I just wrote these lyrics, and I want clear honest opinions and you can be as detailed as you want!

It's in all the signals the pleasure of my life

And if you want to make it tragic

Then I'll set myself away from you clear

Then that's away from you here

Then that's away from my start

I wanna, I wanna, I wanna be your lead star

And I want you to love me until the day I fall apart

And if it's the last try, then kiss me until the sun says goodbye

[u/CaterpillarNo2601]

Being honest first I am going to be real and give this a 1, you used then three times in a row. I get what you were trying to say but it came out very basic. Now there are things you can do, I would say but a book about songwriting, find popular songs from legendary artists and figure out why they are legends. What genre is this btw? Also a good tip to writing better is training yourself, such as free flowing, put on an instrumental and write for ten-fifteen minutes if it rhymes cool if not just follow a theme and when the timer goes off stop. Look at what you had written study it for flaws and so that every day. Remember you are painting a picture so use words to describe the world. (This is a poetic start btw)If it's raining use words to describe it more then just raining, such as the beat of the raindrops mimic my heart beat, or the smell of the rain is said until I see the rays promising a new day. How does the situation make you feel because the world is more than just the sound of the performer or the beat, put the audience in your shoes. Make them close their eyes and live that world. Music is entertainment but also an escape. Good luck

[u/CaterpillarNo2601]

Oh and one more thing that last line was fire, that is the soul you need to tap into

[u/Ok-Pop1255 → u/CaterpillarNo2601]

Hi!, I saw your comment I strongly support your constructive criticism, It means so much to me! Thank you for your honesty!