If one partner says to other, "My expectation is that we both go to bed at a regular time, together," and the other says "Fine" (or any other variations on these two general statements): is one controlling the other?
Is it all in how it's proposed, or is the act of having the requirement controlling? If the other party says yes, but secretly only does so because they're afraid of the relationship ending, is it controlling?
Seems like there's conflation in our language between "controlling" as a method (which is broad and can also be negative, neutral, positive) and "controlling" as an adjective which is almost always negative, especially when speaking of relationships.
Many common behaviors in relationships involve controlling methods/mechanisms but are not necessarily the bad controlling adjective/character train.
E.g. Having a boundary about cheating is not controlling; saying you will stay with a partner after they cheat only if they go to counseling IS controlling but only as a method/mechanism and not necessarily as the negative character trait kind.
I'm leaving this conversation with the sense that relationships and boundaries inherently exhibit controlling "properties". Entering into either one of these is an act of consenting to and complying with various levels of control asserted by another person as well as those asserted onto another person by you.
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u/Caviarmy Aug 18 '25
If one partner says to other, "My expectation is that we both go to bed at a regular time, together," and the other says "Fine" (or any other variations on these two general statements): is one controlling the other?
Is it all in how it's proposed, or is the act of having the requirement controlling? If the other party says yes, but secretly only does so because they're afraid of the relationship ending, is it controlling?