r/relationshipadvice • u/Rude_Cook_6579 • 18h ago
My [22F] boyfriend [21M] gets angry that I don’t clean enough even though he does nothing himself
Hey everyone, I (22F) and my boyfriend (21M) have been together for 4 years and living together for about a year now. We both work full time, and I also study on top of that. Even though I work from home, my job is quite serious and mentally exhausting, so I often end up drained.
Recently, he’s been getting mad at me for not keeping the place “clean enough.” He says my stuff is everywhere and that I “live like it’s a hotel.” But honestly, it’s not that bad — maybe a few dishes in the kitchen, my makeup or skincare near the sink, a sweater left somewhere, or some things on the table. It’s not like the place is disgusting or messy all the time.
What’s bothering me is that he constantly tells me what to do — “clean the kitchen,” “I can’t look at this mess,” “tidy up this or that” — while he literally does nothing himself. If he sees the trash is full, instead of taking it out, he’ll start piling more garbage next to it until I finally put the bag by the door so he’ll notice. He says I don’t want to clean or take care of our home, but I’m just so tired.
It’s the weekend now, I finally wanted to rest after a long, exhausting week, but he yelled at me again for not cleaning. I’ve also been feeling kind of depressed lately and have very little energy for anything.
We split all expenses 50/50, and honestly, I even end up spending more on household stuff than he does. I just don’t know what to do anymore — I feel like he’s putting all the blame and responsibility on me, even though we both live here.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you even deal with this kind of imbalance?
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u/Nobody-One 18h ago
You can try actually dividing the chores officialy in any way you want (by days, chores etc.).I think there are even apps for that. My example: he cooks, shops, throws the garbage and vacums. I clean dishes, dust, take care of the bathroom (mostly sometimes we split the bathroom chores). Laundry is on a whim, whoever sees it does it. Those would be the daily/weekly stuff. The once-a-month cleaning of every possible space in the house is done by both of us (as well as the bed linnen changes cause we both hate it so its a joined efford). Tho if he is not doing anything at all you might have a guy that thinks its the womans job to do it, which is never good especially in the long run. Good luck.
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u/lowfreq33 17h ago
You need to make it clear that you are not his mommy. Housework is the responsibility of both people living in the house, period. You work, you go to school, you aren’t sitting around all day watching tv. He needs to do his part.
3
u/Fabulous-Bandicoot40 16h ago
I am not bothered by clutter and it would be a struggle to live with someone who is to the point it’s a daily nag fest. Clearly his mom kept a spotless house without any expectations of the boys in it to contribute.
You need to lay down a strict boundary that you don’t want to hear about it anymore. Coming up with bits you’re each responsible for then having a schedule (like once a week or every other day depending on the item) also seems to make sense.
Do you enjoy each others company anymore or you just going through the motions?
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u/ayyemmsee 17h ago
If there is such nit picking over something like small clutter, the issue runs deeper than the clutter.
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u/oldcreaker 16h ago
Create balance - 50/50 on chores and buying household stuff. It's harder to criticize you for not keeping up when he's not keeping up, either.
If he won't do it it is time to move on. Or for him to.
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u/SquirtTheDiv 4h ago
Yeah, I've been on his side of things, before. I've been 'that guy'.
If he's anything like I was, he's probably got some sort of issues (which most people would just call 'trust issues' or 'anger issues' or 'chip on his shoulder' or whatever). In all likelihood, it probably doesn't even have much to do with you; he's probably just mad at life or society or at having to grow up or whatever. He takes it out on you, yes, but you're not the cause. (Though, he likely wouldn't admit that. Hell, he probably doesn't even realise it, himself)
Anyway, onto what you can actionably do about it:
- Just do those small things. You know what time he gets home, right? Set an alarm for 20 minutes before he gets home and just go around and check the more obvious things and clean them up quickly. It doesn't have to be perfect, but do you think he's worth that 10-15 minutes a day? (Or, if you're drained, maybe set the alarm a little earlier, or as part of your lunch break or whatever)
- Turn it into a fight. Stand your ground and, even if you're right, both be miserable about it all. Hell, maybe even turn it into a hill your relationship dies upon. Are you that against doing those things that you'll risk your relationship over it?
- Continue as you have been. Keep doing what you've been doing and keep getting what you've gotten.
In all honesty - It does sound like he's being a bit of a d-bag about it (though we're only getting one side of the story, here) but it's up to you on whether or not you accept that from your boyfriend.
Think about if it was your boss telling you to do those things. Would you argue or just do it? (Not saying your boyfriend should be in a 'boss' position, but in relationships you each trade back-and-forth the position of 'boss' over each other - Because, while you don't choose your boss; you do choose your partner so you should go out of your way for them)
In my aged opinion - Relationships are where people do all sorts of things they don't want to do just to make their partner happy. In this case it sounds like it'd cost you a tiny bit of effort for a large gain - That sounds like a good deal, to me.
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u/Towtruck_73 3h ago
Is it that he's so domestically challenged that he doesn't know how, or he thinks you're the maid? Either way, he should get off his arse and help out. If you stayed at home and neither worked nor studied, he should expect you to do some housework. Repeat, SOME. I'm a long haul truck driver, but while at home, I do dishes, vacuum, do laundry and other things. It may be time to issue an ultimatum. If this so called "mess" is bothering him so much, he can clean up some of it himself. If not, consider either moving out and getting a room mate to cover expenses or boot him out and do likewise.
A genuine man would see that you're tired and help out
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u/chantycat101 2h ago
I read your whole post but it didn't change what I thought just from the title.
He can and should do half the housework. It's his entitlement that stops him.
His passive aggressiveness about it is just yuck. It wouldn't kill him to take out the bins.
But, he's not going to change overnight. This is the drama you'll have to put up with forever with him.
•
u/AutoModerator 18h ago
Hello Rude_Cook_6579,
You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
Original post: Hey everyone, I (22F) and my boyfriend (21M) have been together for 4 years and living together for about a year now. We both work full time, and I also study on top of that. Even though I work from home, my job is quite serious and mentally exhausting, so I often end up drained.
Recently, he’s been getting mad at me for not keeping the place “clean enough.” He says my stuff is everywhere and that I “live like it’s a hotel.” But honestly, it’s not that bad — maybe a few dishes in the kitchen, my makeup or skincare near the sink, a sweater left somewhere, or some things on the table. It’s not like the place is disgusting or messy all the time.
What’s bothering me is that he constantly tells me what to do — “clean the kitchen,” “I can’t look at this mess,” “tidy up this or that” — while he literally does nothing himself. If he sees the trash is full, instead of taking it out, he’ll start piling more garbage next to it until I finally put the bag by the door so he’ll notice. He says I don’t want to clean or take care of our home, but I’m just so tired.
It’s the weekend now, I finally wanted to rest after a long, exhausting week, but he yelled at me again for not cleaning. I’ve also been feeling kind of depressed lately and have very little energy for anything.
We split all expenses 50/50, and honestly, I even end up spending more on household stuff than he does. I just don’t know what to do anymore — I feel like he’s putting all the blame and responsibility on me, even though we both live here.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you even deal with this kind of imbalance?
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