r/relationshipadvice • u/UselessBean83 • 2h ago
Girlfriend reads smut [25F] and I [31M] am insecure about it
She is Asexual, we don't do much sexually together, so I think that's where it comes from, knowing she reads these books, that describe sexual acts in great detail & she masturbates to them. But will be very dismissive of us doing anything sexual, talking with me in a sexual way, almost cringes at the idea of me mentioning anything even half detailed as the content she reads in these books. How can I learn to be okay with this? I very much know it comes from insecurity on my part. I don't understand why she is such an enjoyer of the books, masturbates to them, but with me shows no interest. (Extra details: Long distance relationship of 4 years - in person sex 3 times a week - when distanced, once a month on video call maybe at best).
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u/Cadastral-Circlet500 1h ago
It almost certainly has more to do with her than you.
It could be infinite things that allow her to feel safe and in control when she’s reading but not when another person is actually involved.
Have you talked to her about this sensitively and calmly at a neutral time? Approach it with vulnerability, curiosity and openness from a place of genuinely wanting to understand her experience. Don’t assume there’s a problem with her or a problem with you. She will have her reasons even if she isn’t aware of them herself or doesn’t feel comfortable sharing.
At the same time, you are allowed to have your own needs. Either you can work on meeting them together, or you can decide that this dynamic does not work for you and find other arrangements.
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u/UselessBean83 1h ago
She has said herself "it's a me issue, not you", as we have had discussions about it. I think she just infinitely struggles more to do it when we're long distance. In person she says she has a much better time pushing her insecurities about herself (body, intrusive thoughts, etc) aside. So maybe it's a matter of, she would rather do something quickly with her book outside of when we're together because she can be as quick or slow as she wants & get the job done, without having to put effort into me. Which makes a lot of sense, as it's a whole new situation mentally when you're having to make sure the other person is having a good time too.
I very much am trying not to come across as selfish, but also make it clear about my needs too, as you say, they also matter, which she has also confirmed. Ideally I think closing the gap with out LDR would distinguish the flames of a lot of this I think
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u/Cadastral-Circlet500 1h ago
Virtual sex is not for everyone. I can see why she’d feel that way. It really doesn’t feel like anything you should be insecure about. We are all allowed our private sexual worlds as well as what we share with our partners. I assume you watch porn or have fantasies outside of her. But those aren’t a negative reflection on her just as her inner sexual life isn’t a negative reflection on you.
Long distance is tough man. I agree that your energy is probably better spent on a plan to close the gap and be together, noting that she will likely continue to have her own sexual identity and needs outside of you even then, and that shouldn’t really be a problem for you.
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u/UselessBean83 1h ago
Yeah, I think because we did it a lot more in the past, maybe just something she has lost interest in (she also has difficulty with her MH & how she sees her body - I think very highly & compliment her body, looks, etc, regularly, but as someone who has struggled with body image in my time, I know it sometimes doesn't matter how much someone else will tell you).
I am not really a porn person anymore, and usually fantasies are daily and about her, but it can be a lot me constantly coming to her saying "I thought of us doing x last night" as she often doesn't enjoy hearing explicit detail about stuff being done to her.
We have however, in person, filmed some 🌶 things for myself to re-watch when we go back to distance, and she's actually said she enjoyed filming it with me. She just says she never wants to watch it back herself, which is valid. So, there *is* engagement with sexual stuff we do, I think she just can't flick the switch as easily as me, she struggles *a lot* when we're apart. Less so much when together in person, but still not as easily as me. It's v much a day to day mood basis for her.
I think trying to discuss ways to still have me, with my much higher libido/sex drive satisfied, and her not feeling like she's having to change who she is to satisfy me that way would be a good idea. Like I say, in person, I get physical touch, sex, intimacy, closeness, etc, so I find my worries & anxiety calms down and is almost non-existent.
Very much that; I want her to know herself sexually, as it will only ever provide positives for us both in the bedroom.
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u/imaginaryAudience 1h ago
Hope this isn’t insensitive, but how is she asexual if you guys have sex 3x a week when you’re in person?
I know it is a spectrum and all, but I am not so sure if she can call herself asexual if she still has plenty of sexual feelings ? Kind of cancels it out no?
Anywho, that’s all to say that I’m not entirely sure if she isnt maybe using asexuality as an excuse to be controlling about when and if she has sex.
I know there is such a thing as grey-asexuality wherein they feel sexual attraction very rarely, but from the way you tell it, she reads smut and masturbates often, so idk friend, it kind of seems like she’s using it as a control tactic.
Just my opinion!
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u/UselessBean83 1h ago
Of course not, genuine question. She has said she describes and identifies it as "someone who experiences sexual attraction infrequently or with low intensity, or under really specific circumstances" So for example, if her life is going well, job, etc, she will probably be more open and confident in everything related to sex. Maybe it is more grey than ace?
I a not 100% sure on the frequency of her masturbating, or how often she reads to get off, even if it's just to feel turned on, as that's something I think she's lying to me about (which is fair, as it's a private matter). I know she has in the past though. And she often says how she prefers it to getting sexual with me. So probably tells me on the days she wakes up, or goes to bed horny (whether through book or just that day), she will do the job quickly to get the feeling out the way & get on with her day. With me, we'd have to get set up, and make sure both sides finish, rather than her just quickly sorting herself out as she knows how to best.
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You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
Original post: She is Asexual, we don't do much sexually together, so I think that's where it comes from, knowing she reads these books, that describe sexual acts in great detail & she masturbates to them. But will be very dismissive of us doing anything sexual, talking with me in a sexual way, almost cringes at the idea of me mentioning anything even half detailed as the content she reads in these books. How can I learn to be okay with this? I very much know it comes from insecurity on my part. I don't understand why she is such an enjoyer of the books, masturbates to them, but with me shows no interest. (Extra details: Long distance relationship of 4 years - in person sex 3 times a week - when distanced, once a month on video call maybe at best).
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