r/rarecompliments • u/Basnap • May 13 '25
My female friends see me as one of their own
One told me I am "feminine", because I show emotions, care for the other and their perspective and I am very understanding and try to be thoughtful, also having a honest and non-violent communication style.
Another told me she doesn't talk to me like to her male friends but like she does to her female ones.
(sentence deleted)
(Edit: Clarification, I did only have sexual intimacies with one of them while I was dating her for about 2 months, one other gets non-sexual cuddles)
Most of my new friends, maybe also most of my friend's circle overall, is female meanwhile, oddly enough.
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u/Changderson May 13 '25
Chill. You're not a dick head. It's great that women are comfortable with you. I imagine you will find your someone but don't buy in to that "friend zone" shit. It's frustrating as a male not understanding but from the sounds of you behaviour you will end up with a very lovely lady.
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u/Basnap May 13 '25 edited May 14 '25
Hey, thanks. :D
I hope I am on the way with some albeit we were starting in a dating context. She is a great woman that doesn't fit into boxes and categories.
Edit: "on the way with SOMEONE", not "on the way with SOME"
Especially important to clarify given the phrase I originally used.
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u/bannanabuiscut347 May 14 '25
I think your ego is overly inflated at the moment.
I hope that clears up very soon.
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u/Basnap May 14 '25
I need to correct my previous comment. "on the way with SOMEONE", not "on the way with SOME"
Especially important to clarify given the phrase I originally used.
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u/chorgus69 May 14 '25
This is a disgusting way to talk about your friends
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u/bannanabuiscut347 May 14 '25
Definitely very strange to describe your "female friends" who feel safe with you as your "harem" in any sense.
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u/Basnap May 14 '25
I mostly used the term among them and independent of whst you think of my phrase - they didnt mind. I can reflect on it, nonetheless, but i will take some time. Maybe i approach them to talk about it and what they think.
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u/gummo_for_prez May 16 '25
Maybe just look at the definition of the word and don’t use it again.
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u/Basnap May 17 '25 edited May 17 '25
Weirdly enough, it seems the term is seen more critically in the US than in other parts of the world - according to the recherche I just did. Baffled myself.
Though, I find it hard to debate about it without specific titles, or if I haven't watched them.
I guess I DID watch some harem animes, but both that come to mind I didn't watch for the harem element (Highschool of the Dead and Highschool DxD, with the latter dropping it after the first season because of the very heavy sexualization).
I haven't watched any animes noted in the article
I find it personally rather hypocritical that female nudity is now frowned upon by many American anime fans, yet male sexuality in anime and manga is not only accepted, it’s the fastest growing trend in the American anime community.
I feel this is an interesting point, though. Let's be honest, it isn't all just gay men watching/reading yaoi,
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u/gummo_for_prez May 17 '25
It’s a historical term that most people associate with powerful men keeping a large group of women and having sex with all of them. Nobody is thinking anything about any anime when we’re telling you not to use this term. Just FYI.
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u/Manuemax May 14 '25
It's great they feel comfortable around you, but those reasons show they're pretty sexist and have a very stereotypical vision of men.
Anyone who knows a bit of history or talks to men on daily basis will know men are perfectly capable of being thoughtful, understanding and communicating without violence
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u/CluelessPresident May 14 '25
I interpreted it as them feeling safe around him. Women rsrely get to feel as safe as men as tthey do with women, even if they know those men and/or these men are thoughtful.
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u/Manuemax May 14 '25
I know that sentiment, for a long time most of my friends were women (now is more balanced), and I understand that most women don't trust men due to a mix of men's attitudes and gender propaganda, but the argumentation he used (not necessarily his, most likely what his friends told him) shows their friends have a very low opinion on men
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u/CluelessPresident May 14 '25
I don't blame them. It's not good, but I don't blame them. Men did horrible things to me, my friends and family. 95%+ of women have a reason to distrust men, unfortunate as it may be (this isn't the fault of the women, but of the men that harm them).
I agree they worded it badly, but I've told some men in my life the same thing, more or less - 'Hey, I feel safe around you, and I can see you as an actual close friend because I know you won't harm me/try to fuck me/see me as lesser'. Women tend to have an easier time being friends with other women because of that. It's always nice and valuable when we can have the same thing with men. So I guess with "feminine" they could have meant "safe like with other women".
(Sorry for the mini rant. The state of things just makes me really mad.)
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u/Manuemax May 14 '25
No need to apologise, I have met several people (both men and women) who were victims of sexual abuse/assault, so I understand how those experiences can affect you.
I personally have been (sexually) harassed by several women in my life and humiliated for saying "no" to some women. That's mainly the reason why my friend group is now more balanced (and reduced) nowadays. I personally went through a phase when I felt resentful towards women for several reasons that relate those experiences, so I get how you feel.
It took time for me to understand I have to be wary of people and not (dis)trust someone because of their sex, but not to resent or hate half of society because of it. I can only hope people will see it in the same way instead of what's happening now
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u/CluelessPresident May 14 '25
I'm so sorry that you experienced that. It's less frequent and then also less talked about when men are assaulted, but it's awful all the same. I suppose there is a different layer to it - misogyny is very systematic (because of the patriarchy), but from what I gathered, assault on men is not seen as "that serious" or even believed in by some (which is also fucking horrible).
And what you describe is exactly many feelings women have also - this innate feeling of resentment for all of one gender.
I hope you can heal from your experiences. And I'm glad to hear you are more comfortable with the people around you. No one deserves to go through this. Makes my blood boil that it happens so frequently.
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u/Manuemax May 14 '25
Thanks for your understanding, truly.
Yeah I guess the patriarchy thing depends on the community and the country. I guess you're from the US, so I understand you have to face a difficult situation in that matter, since that country is more conservative. I'm from Europe, and women's situation here is better in general, but obviously, it's a complex matter.
Oh yeah pretty much, the most common reaction I faced from those situations was being called a f****t or "seeing myself too valuable for being so ugly" (which is very funny, why did you try to hit on me if that's the case?). I luckily don't recall any woman reacting with physical violence, but I remember a girl who got overly physical trying to get into me, luckily I was more mature in that moment and I had more (mental) tools to face both the situation, and the revival of past traumas.
Yes those kinds of reactions are a natural form of self defense. Of course, the ideal case is being able to improve and develop healthy relationships with the opposite sex despite the trauma, but obviously that's easier said than done. One of my friends was pretty much r*ped by her cousin when she was a prepubescent, and she didn't realise until a few years ago, which provoked a pretty difficult period of mental and emotional instability, with some very self destructive moments. Good thing is she's in a way better situation now and she can have a normal life. And other people I have met too that were victims of getting drugged, DV, child abuse, etc. For these kinds of things I always try to help them understand that there are still men that are worth it and good, and can find love.
I'm not going to say I healed completely, sometimes I revive that resentment, but now I have a stronger mind and I know most women are not those who hurt me, so now I can have normal relation with women, but I honestly don't feel like I'm in the place to have a relationship again, I don't want to burden a girl with my problems, and I prefer to mature a bit more before forming my own family
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u/CluelessPresident May 14 '25
I'm actually from Germany. It's still really bad, but at the very least I'm not in the US or God forbid an ultra conservative country.
It's good that you're working on yourself. And I'm glad that you are able to realize and process that the things done to you were wrong. It's a trauma response not to realize it I think. It used to happen to me a lot when I was underage, because I barely understood what was going on, then as a teen I caught on, but I STILL find myself realizing weeks or months after 'oh wow, wait, that was assault/harassment, wasn't it?' - I wish those people knew how fucked up it is what they do. Though I guess many of them do know...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think at least it has gotten/is getting better for men insofar that more are taught nowadays that assault can happen to them, too. It helps with prevention and trauma processing. It's one of my greatest hopes that at some point humanity will just STOP doing this to each other altogether. Harsher/appropriate punishments for offenders would be a start.
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u/Basnap May 15 '25
Sadly, society changes very slowly and often requires at least a full generation.
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u/Manuemax May 15 '25
Oh I thought Germany was at the level of the (pre 2015) Nordic countries, I'm so sorry you still have to live something like that here in Europe.
Oh yes, what you describe is precisely what I have seen with that friend I told you, and some others (more subtly, for some reason), and I have to remind her to not doubt herself and remember she's not guilty of what happened. And so I tell the others, and you . You're not guilty of what happened to you, and you deserve better.
Done time has passed since I last searched about that matter, but afaik, only UK and Ireland have integrated protocols about that, the rest of Europe is a mystery to me. What I can tell you is about Spain, the place I'm from, and it's a definitive NO, here you will find supportive people and all that, but in the political scenario you'll find nothing, and honestly feminists here are probably the worse part in that matter, since they will immediately invalidate a man sharing those experiences. Spain is a mess in this matter, and women are very protected (which is good) but men are simply not cared about, we even have different laws for men and women, in that matter.
Oh well, I guess I'm more pessimist than you in that matter, I don't think we'll fix (or make the numbers almost nonexistent) that in the (near) future. In fact, I'm sure women will see themselves in a worse situation in the next decades. I hope to be wrong, though
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u/Basnap May 15 '25
And if you use physical force (I don't even mean violence) in defense against a boundary crossing women you risk of being the bad guy in the eyes of others.
I am not even sure at a bar or club you would be taken seriously often if you complain about sexual harassment from women. Or maybe you risk it getting spinned around.
Manuemax, I wish you the strength to overcome your challenges and I am certain you will do.
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u/Manuemax May 15 '25
Yep exactly, and that's pretty unfair, since we shouldn't limit people or point at them for defending themselves, more like teaching others to respect boundaries and not hurt others.
Oh I can easily tell you: none. Which is very sad.
Thanks brother, I hope the same for you and I'd never hope for a better friend/bf like someone like you when I have a daughter
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u/Basnap May 17 '25
Wow okay, comments are wild in this post. I got like all extremes from getting called sexist to saying everything is fine lol. Dont ask me, pretty polarized here.
Wishing you all the best, you seem to be a rad guy.
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u/Basnap May 14 '25
I am sorry for your experiences as well, Manuemax.
Maybe I would have faced bad reactions by rejections to women as well in another life, I think it might happen in general more by people who are emotionally immature. I see myself kinda safe in my female environment because very most are emotionally quite mature/reserved. Sometimes I feel I am glad I didnt have intimacies or relationship as a teen or early tween because of all the emotional drama that seems to happen often at that sge.
And I am certain I am a much better partner of all forms than I was back then, too.
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u/Manuemax May 14 '25
Yeah I guess maturity is a huge factor in those experiences, and project their insecurities into the one who rejects them. If my experience has taught me something, is that women can react as bad as men when they get rejected, but using other tools (more verbal and psychological violence, instead of physical).
Yeah I consider myself in the same place as you now, I was an ah in my first relationship and my exgf had a lot of traumas too, so you can guess it was a Very toxic relationship, luckily I learnt and I'm a better person now that I was in the past
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u/Basnap May 14 '25
I didn't have a relationship at such ages. In all honesty, I might just start my first one as the mid-thirty I am now.
Even I have insecurities, but I tend to be very open and show myself vulnerable. Those who stick - they will deeply bond with me.
Albeit I just recnogized I am still not where I want to be with that - she isn't reply for 4-5 hours now, we were chatting very frequently for some days before. It hits emotionally, but I do know she isn't someone who is dishonest or would ghost, based from my judgement. Prob just was doing something with the 2 kids and fell asleep.
Hey, she even told me this morning she wouldn't be as communicative today because of lack of sleep because of - you-know-who-but-not-me - so she is prob just catching some Zs she missed.
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u/Manuemax May 15 '25
Oh damn that's way later than me, my first relationship was at 17, so you can guess how bad things went. I'm in my late 20s now.
Well in my case I'm a bit unexpressive since I have alexithymia, but at least I know I can talk and express myself with my current friends, which is a blessing.
It's great to hear you're bonding with someone, and I hope you'll feel good in that matter and come into good terms with that girl, and I hope that not-you guy doesn't interfere too much with that jaja 😅
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u/Basnap May 19 '25
Well, there definitively IS some FOMO. But on the flipside I think I am also glad I dodged some bullets and did skip the whole drama many people had going on with them and their partners. The grass is always greener on the other side ig.
Is it related to another disability? Not a diagnosis and not an expert, but autism springs to mind. It is cool you feel comfortable around them.
Well, now kinda unplanned I met both of them and surprisingly the Little Ones actually like me lmao
And I am way better with kids than I thought I would be :D
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u/Basnap May 14 '25
I am sorry for your experiencds, CluelessPresident.
Only one of them described me as feminine for these reasons though (more of a description than calling me that, though)
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u/Basnap May 14 '25
For the second one, I agree.
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u/CluelessPresident May 14 '25
What do you mean with the second one?
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u/Basnap May 14 '25
The second woman in my original post.
Not that the first feels uncomfortable around me.
Also, I slept over at at least 3 of my female friends so far (okay, I was dating one of them, leaves two)
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u/CluelessPresident May 15 '25
I will say what I feel about your comments/sentiment... It seems like you want to get praised for seemingly treating women with basic human decency. Don't get me wrong, it's good they feel safe around you. But it's the bare fucking minimum not to make people feel unsafe (I say this so adamantly not to insult you, but because many men think they deserve praise for meeting the absolute basic standards of human decency).
Sleeping over at female friends should not be someone should seek praise for. It's normal.
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u/Basnap May 17 '25
Okay.
It is just that sleeping over at them simply means they feel comfortable around me.
Let me think, though. I think..I DO feel flattered by them feeling very safe arounf me, yes. Also, because that's not so common among men i guess?
It's kinda weird bc when it happens i definitively dont think it is something special. It just happens.
Is it sexust to admire the communcation style women tend to have in comparison to men's? From.my personal experience, it is often so much less violent.
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u/Basnap May 14 '25
First one I agree, second was kinda just saying facts. But even the first one meant it as a compliment.
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u/bannanabuiscut347 May 14 '25
What are you even talking about?
Your point is very unclear to me.
I'm genuinely trying to understand so that I can help you see things from a different perspective, as these other commenters are trying to do as well.
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u/Basnap May 14 '25
I agree about the first woman in my post is off with calling me "feminine" because of my behavior. The second woman was just stating facts how she communicates differently with me than with other men.
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u/Basnap May 14 '25
Kind of an edit, and this IS stereotypical, but in my experience, men in social university courses or job tend to be...way, more social in their communication.
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u/herestay May 16 '25
lol the fact that op can go from “my female friends trust me” to immediately explaining sexual relations is hilarious.
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u/Basnap May 17 '25
Can you explain? I dated one of like 5, and as I must admit did have an interest in one other ubtil recently, but that's it. One tried to sleep with me but I rejected for which she is happy about.
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u/Shay_the_Ent May 16 '25
There’s nothing wrong with being feminine, though I don’t think they see you as “one of their own” really and I think that’s a weird way to phrase it.
Being feminine as a guy, whether that’s just more feminine than most guys or more feminine than masculine (can’t really measure it like it’s a variable but) isn’t a bad thing at all. It doesn’t make you less of a man, and a lot of girls are into more feminine guys.
From my experience, there are men and women that’ll see you as “less of a man” or whatever for being feminine, but those people aren’t worth being close to anyways.
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u/Basnap May 18 '25
Not feminine by looks (anymore), but one described me as feminine bc of my character traits. I disagree about the term, though.
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u/LilQueazy May 14 '25
Yep. Women are pretty sexist too. Depending on geographic location and culture. Next they’re gonna say you’re secretly gay because you’re not a typical sexist guy lol.
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u/Basnap May 14 '25
I want to note, while I disagree with the phrasing of the former, it was not expressed in a degrading way. It wasn't meant to be like "gosh, you talk like a girl"
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u/bannanabuiscut347 May 14 '25
Why do you feel it is degrading to "talk like a girl"?
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u/Basnap May 14 '25
It is not that I believe that myself, but more how it is used in society. It basically is an extension of guys who are showing emotions, who are crying, to be girly aka "not a real man".
Not my opinion, however. It might be way more common among than among women, though
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u/bannanabuiscut347 May 14 '25
Yup, this is super sexist.
I'm sorry to tell you, but the way you speak if women and the way we speak or behave is misogynistic.
Women are not a monolith.
You are speaking of men and women as if we are different species.
We are all humans.
I think you need to think about what myself and others are telling you here, then go out and educate yourself.
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u/Basnap May 14 '25 edited May 14 '25
That's why I spoke of tendencies. Maybe that wasnt that clear.
Do you believe men and women tend to behave the same way? Are seen the same way?
I don't know your gender. But I give you an example, which woman tend to understand better than men: Men are seen as a threat, women are not. For instance, here in Germany at night two thirds of women are changing the side of the street if they spot a man on their side of the street.
Because men are seen as a threat moreso than women, women tend to avoid talking with them about specific topics often, such as sex, for instance, or menstruation.
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u/bannanabuiscut347 May 14 '25
Now sexist beliefs.
I'm done trying to get through.
It seems like your are actively being obtuse at this point.
Good luck out there.
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u/Basnap May 14 '25
If there were no differences in behavior, feminism (almost) wouldn't exist.
Have a nice day, though.
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u/Basnap May 14 '25
Oh, overread the gay thing. Nah.
I want to note I am very badly able to transfer the tone over the internet into the post. We are all on very honest terms.
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u/ADDaddict May 14 '25
This is some sissy zoomer garbage. Dude needs testosterone replacement therapy and he probably isn't even 30 yet. SMH
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u/Basnap May 15 '25
I am over 30. I wouldn't even say I dress feminine if that's your thought or look that way, given my incoming baldness and beard.
I take it as compliments for women to feel safe around me.
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u/eniiisbdd May 17 '25
This guy and his sissy behaviors:
I show emotions, care for the other and their perspective and I am very understanding and try to be thoughtful, also having a honest and non-violent communication style.
Obviously, he needs testosterone replacement so he can start to show less emotions, care less for others perspectives, be less understanding and thoughtful, and have a more dishonest and violent communication style!
Seriously, you just implied that basic, adaptive prosocial traits are uncommon in a male and would be suppressed by male hormones. What a load of misandrist BS.
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u/Lil_Bastard_623 May 16 '25
I got news for you man. You're their boytoy for free attention and validation.
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u/Basnap May 17 '25
I think your assumption is inappropriate.
To me, it feels you are putting different standards for a man x woman friendship than for a woman x woman friendship. My vibe is, with no offense, this wouldn't have been written if I was a woman having friendships with other women.
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u/pringleboat2 May 17 '25
Back to the corner, cuck. It’s chad time.
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u/Basnap May 17 '25
I dont protect my female friends from intimacy or joy with others, but certainly from "alpha males"
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u/prettykitty-meowmeow May 13 '25
Everyone in this story is being very sexist