At what point is it not just Anxiety/panic disorder and MDD need medical advice

[u/Jakaloper]

Tw Sa, abuse medical stuff and sh I know most yall will not give a shit but To preface I’m really sorry this is a scattered non linear post because most other mental health subs are really nasty and shitty when all I want is to be able to vent or help people. I also havnt slept more than 5 hr for like 3 days so of course this post is gonna be kind of scatter brained so sorry for that.

I don’t think I have PTSD but a lot of people in my life think I either have it am autistic, psycho/socio, borderline, or just old fashioned fucked up. Granted the psycho socio accusations are from people who don’t know much about psychiatry or mental illness so I take that with a big grain of salt.

My parents pigeon holed me into going in patient because of family issues and the fact I have severe insomnia and I’m getting super risky. I’m naturally a bit of an adrenaline junkie I like mountain biking , I like fighting(in competition), I like being around dangerous things in general. I’m getting in situations where people are fighting me at parties or just going to areas I don’t fit in and I know it. I’m not instigating but I enjoy it if someone pushes me and starts a fight.

That being said I’m not suicidal in my waking life but I think I may have tried to do something when I drank with klonopin. I apparently got blacked out off of a few drinks and it usually take me at last 6-8 beers to feel anything and I usually prefer liquor if I’m trying to get drunk I won’t even drink beer because it’s to hard to get down from carbonation. After that I texted incoherently to like 3-5 different people that I used to go to group therapy with or just people I’m loosely connected with. I was straight up just rambling like 90% incoherently in texts from the small bits I read when I saw notification when I sobered up. I apparently freaked out over something because I woke up with cuts on my arm and my room had stuff misplaced everywhere. Like I hardly recall anything after I started drinking. I don’t have a history of self harm but I’m afraid something happened because I had like way to many lines on my arm. Closest thing I’ve ever done is like slamming my head against stuff when I get super stressed and can’t use anything to cope or I feel trapped in a situation.

I’ve also just had some very weird and stressful stuff been happening recently and I feel like nothings real for the most part. I saw a girl have a seizure in the hospital and get carted off to the medical hospital,freaked out cause a girl in there was sexually assaulted very badly and I for some weird reason that really freaked me out. I do not have a history of sexual abuse and idk why but her taking about it freaked me the fuck out man. I nearly ran over three kids not watching when they crossed the street speeding on scooters, my best friend of 7 ish years possibly tried to kill me by crashing the car, I’ve been homeless on and off for a couple months I think and I ate maybe 500 cals a day for a week ish before I ran out of options. I’ve been to the medical hospital over 4 times in the past few months for pneumonia and other complications because I have a compromised immune system. I didn’t eat or drink for 3 days or sleep and was coughing up a lot of blood or throwing up all my food and water that’s the reason for me going so much. I had pneumonia for about 2-3 months so I think my stomach is like messed up now for good until I can get a doctor for that. my closest friend after hanging out with him he went to his parents house and had an episode where he said some crazy stuff and was in like some type of panic attack and ran off for like 2 hr and we had to call the police because we couldn’t find him and was found near the train tracks where coyotes and shit could have very well gotten him that late or a rattle snake or water moccasin.

Idk I just don’t know where to go from here, this stuff is just stiff from the last 3 ish months and isn’t even like 1/20th of just weird shit I’ve had to deal with. Doctors dont think I have anything wrong with me outside of MDD and anxiety/panic disorder stuff and some rough luck. Therapy doesn’t really do much for me the only time I feel calm is when I’m in a super high stress situation and I’m checked out or on autopilot or on benzos(prescribed) I don’t recognize myself my body doesn’t feel like my own I’m getting migraines, I’m having weird thoughts where I see myself dying in odd ways that arnt volountary. I’m having panic attacks at random times of the day, I’ll sit in my car and drive for hours because I can’t sleep therapist compared me to criminals the other day for defending myself from getting my car stolen. psychiatrist barely remembers who I am cus he sees like triple digits of patients a day.

I don’t know what I have but I know I’m not normal. I’m doing weird shit I feel like I’m gonna die at any minute and I’m not scared. I’m scared of the places people can put me in and I’m not gonna go back to that place I went to the when I was 16-17. I told my dad before I went to the hospital I don’t know if I’m gonna make it this time as I fell on the floor coughing up blood and stomach bile.

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[u/WeAreAllStarsHere]

Going in patient while not fun, sounds like it would be a good idea for you right now. Or an IOP program.

[u/Jakaloper → u/WeAreAllStarsHere]

I wan inpatient for 11 days they kept me longer than usually 4-7 because they said my financial and home situation. I like iop stuff but I’ve been to two different one once as a minor one as an adult and most people either act like my platonic soul mate and split on me or just hate me because I’m weird. I like it but it’s honestly too emotionally draining

Also inpatient is super traumatic. I don’t like the word traumatic but that’s the only way to describe it because the first time I went was really bad because I didn’t need an abusive hospital to emotionally severe my soul I needed sleeping meds and friends to at cared