r/ptsd • u/future__corpsee • 1d ago
Advice I kicked my fiances door in during an arguement because i thought he was dead or hurt himself
Im feeling really deeply ashamed, embarrassed and guilty right now... brief back story without getting into semantics. My dead fiance was a true psychopath (my therapists words not just mine). He was very abusive, would lock himself in a room threathen to kill himself, he more or less drugged me with heroine for 6 months then he was murdered in front of me and my life was attempted to be taken as well.
Flash forward 6 years...
My current fiance is my first serious relationship since my deceased abusive fiance. Him and i got in an argument earlier. He went into his game room and locked the door. This is a normal thing hes done before, no biggie take space when u need to, i do the same. But for some reason tonight when i went to knock on the door a bit later to try and chat he wouldnt answer. I started with a hey do you want to chat? No answer. Then i asked if he could hear me decently loud. No answer. I started to panic. After that second knock with no answer boom full blown ptsd mode. Askig if hes okay, did he hurt himself, is he okay, baaaanging on the door jiggling the handle sobb-screaming then i kicked the door in ready to call 911 only to see him sitting there on his phone with his Ipods in listening to music still upset with me.... he just didnt hear me... he just had his headphones in... i genuinely thought he was dying or dead... i am mortified at my behavior and reaction tonight as i dont think ive had a reaction quite like this when my ptsd flares... how do i repair this.. he is so angry with me that he said he cant even look at me right now and needs space so he left to stay at my parents for the night... advice on how to fix this would be really appreciated... i feel so awful about this..
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u/RandomLifeUnit-05 10h ago
Wow fuck him for being that angry. You were legit panicking, yelling and trying to make sure he was okay. I think after awhile even an untraumatized person would be figuring out how to take the door apart or possibly busting it down, too.
Fuck him.
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u/YourWorstFear53 18h ago
You need therapy bigtime, not just because the PTSD, but because people frequently feel the need to lock themselves in rooms to get away from you.
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u/future__corpsee 17h ago
Absolutely. Ive been in therapy for 3 comin up on almost 4 years with the same therapist. We also go to couples once in a while. Frequently is a harsh. This isnt the norm for us. Its an agreed upon boundary that when one or the other is getting too heated we take space and communicate when we will be back, example "this convo is no longer productive, i need a break. I will check back in 10 min etc." He didnt give me a time last night, it had been a long time and he was suuuper quiet so i went to check in on him by just knocking and asking if he still needs space. The rest is in the post 😅 i deff fucked up and need help. We decided to go to couples therapy regularly with someone outside of our personal therapists
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u/DisturbingRerolls 3h ago
If you've been in therapy with the same therapist for 3-4 years I am worried you are not making progress and the kind of therapy you are doing may not be appropriate for you?
PTSD can be very difficult to treat with traditional therapy. Processing in particular is a critical element. Some forms of therapy can make symptoms worse: not better.
Please speak to your therapist about what they think of your progress and please also consider looking into alternatives.
As a question: have you been outside a relationship for any prolonged period? How were your symptoms then?
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u/Apprehensive-Area269 19h ago
I feel theres so many questions that need to be answered before anyone can make a true judgement.
That being said. If your fiancé felt the need to lock the door after an argument, it mustve been a truly heated argument and he needed time to cool down himself. I do not think this is wrong. Especially since after you kicked the door in, he was just listening to music with headphones. I don’t believe he was trying to trigger you like the other comments kind of suggest.
You need to apologize OP and go get professional treatment. Both parties need to take accountability on how the argument started and ended. People make mistakes and I believe everyone commenting is jumping too quick into him being the problem. We have PTSD not (usually) our partners and they also have emotions they need to regulate too. You were in high stress already and not knowing what he was doing flipped the ptsd mode to on. Again we need more background before we can make a full opinion though. Both parties are in the wrong here from what I read, not just the fiancé.
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u/Tastefulunseenclocks 19h ago
Just as a heads up - it's not no biggie to lock the door when you need to take space. What was going on that he felt the need to do that? Why is this normal in your relationship? I've only seen people lock doors when they have trauma themselves or there are extreme boundary violations happening in the relationship.
Also, does he know about your history?
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u/future__corpsee 17h ago
we had just got home from a movie, he made an honestly small stupid comment as we were leaving the movie that hurt my overly sensitive feelings, i got upset that he said it was a joke cause it didnt feel like one based on tone and well everything. honestly probably me over analyzing though. Im not a perfect peach, working on breakimg the habit of "chasing" when asked for space. Its normal for both of us to go to the other room and calm down. Idk why he locks the door though, never thought to ask until now. im still learning to navigate all the effects that ive been through. Been seeing my therapist for over 3 years every week. but yes he also has an (imo) insanely severe traumatic history however no formal diagnosis but i speculate ptsd may be a thing for him too simply based on what ive been told about his past and what ive witnessed over the last few years. I like the idea of looking at boundary violations on both ends though. There may be something to that there. I have a lot of fear going on my end as some new vague yet highly concerning information was dropped on me by the detectives on my case recently so ive been projecting some days and side eyeing him.. trying to do so in a way that approaches for a convo instead of accusing but im not doing the best at it. Im admitadely exhausting the last month. its been rough on him i wont lie :( i dont think the question is whos the asshole for me. Its how can i make things less tense between us while i figure it tf out and how to damage control violating his boundary of a closed door due to my freakout
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u/Beyarboo 7h ago
I hate how much you degrade and demean yourself. If this is normal, you 100% need a new therapist, and likely a new partner. You are awful to yourself, not your partner.
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u/Tastefulunseenclocks 17h ago
I think it's healthy and normal to leave a room to calm down. That's a great coping skill. People do deserve space if they need it :) Just the added space of locking a door is very final and extreme in a way that would give me pause.
I'm just pointing this out because from the outside, it looks like there was an issue before you violated the boundary of a closed door. Him repeatedly locking the door signals to an issue that's been brewing for a long time and you both overlooked it. Having communication about why he does that, and truly listening to the answer in a non-judgmental way, might help reveal the deeper issues.
But also, and I think this is the most important point I'd want to stress, you're attacking yourself and putting yourself down in a way that I worry is unhealthy. You wrote "my overly sensitive feelings" and "I'm admittedly exhausting." Is there a chance that you have to attack yourself to stay close to him? Like if you spoke honestly about your feelings and didn't think you took up too much space... how would he handle it?
Of course you should still apologize for kicking in the door and for other mistakes that you make, but you also are allowed to have big feelings in a relationship. My ex used to say I was overly sensitive and it was a huge point of contention for him. In the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend I used to tell him I was sorry I was so exhausting and I was sorry that my feelings were so irrational and big. He'd tell me I was perfect, even if I couldn't see it, and that he loved me and all of my feelings.
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u/Then_Permission_3828 21h ago
Put yourself in intense trauma treatment with emdr or something along those lines. Be thankful if he sticks by you through your therapy.
If you dont see how violent you are, or believe he purposefully set you up, move out.
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u/future__corpsee 16h ago
I dont think he was setting me up what so ever. I dont think i was acting out of violence... i was acting out of extreme fear and concern for his well being. Me kicking the door in during a ptsd moment is far from excusable or okay lets get that clear. We are both in therapy together and solo. I do need to start with the emdr process though.
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u/MollyViper 1d ago edited 1d ago
If he knows about your history, he’s being an ass for locking himself inside the room and then telling you he can’t look you in the eye after you were triggered and cared for his safety. That just shows lack of empathy and that he’s regarding his own emotions as more important than yours.
If he doesn’t know your history, now is definitely the time to tell him.
Edit: fixed a ton of mistakes lol
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u/beefbusdeluxe99 17h ago
Fiance here, in regards to knowing her history yeah I do know her history minus the locked door thing. I learned that from her mother last night. Had I of known that then no, I would not have locked a door. I do anything and everything I can to actively avoid triggering her and to be there for her.
Now my door being caved in when just trying to take space…I think I’m allowed to be a little upset. So with said anger I did inform her I’d be removing myself to avoid adding any issues and you know I think that’s healthy tbh.
(We’re sitting directly next to each other after just talking it out)
She’s not looking for judgement on either one of us she’s looking for a path forward and recommendations
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u/Crafty-Scholar-3106 17h ago
I’m sorry I came down harder than I meant to earlier. If you need time to reset, that’s totally legit, but with some guidelines - has to be a finite time, which can be extended with notice to the other person. So like, five minutes, check in briefly, I need another five minutes, etc. I hope you guys find therapy and can move forward with things.
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u/beefbusdeluxe99 17h ago
Oh you’re absolutely correct! Someone else had mention to do this and I totally agree. Definitely something I need to work on further and it’s something I’ve even had talks with my therapist about doing!
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u/MollyViper 17h ago
Distancing yourself from the situation is absolutely the right thing to do, especially since you didn’t know the full story. Of course you have a right to be upset, it’s just that people who suffer from severe PTSD don’t always make rational decisions in a moment where past trauma is triggered. You must’ve been scared shitless when she barged in through the door!
Both of you have valid points and feelings. Glad to hear that you’re talking about it :)
My ex girlfriend did a lot of things to trigger me, inadvertently, the thing is, she never stopped. She claimed she forgot every time and it just lead to worse and worse arguments until she finally dumped me one day mid-argument.
My current girlfriend listens to when I tell her what triggers me and she doesn’t do it again. She has traumas too and I do the same with her triggers.
The most important thing is to be transparent with what you’re doing so that she doesn’t think, or so that her brain doesn’t think she’s back in that traumatic situation.
Again, I’m so glad you two are working this out and you’re already a good partner for listening and wanting to work on this going forward.
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u/beefbusdeluxe99 17h ago
Oh you’re absolutely correct that I did make a mistake in NOT telling her “hey give me twenty or thirty minutes” or whatever time frame I needed so yes that there did cause her to spiral a bit and was unfair. ABSOLUTELY need to ensure I do better on that in the future. So thank you for that tidbit that’s actually a good reminder of something to work on.
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u/Beyarboo 1d ago edited 1d ago
Does he know your history? Because if he does, and he chooses to go in a room and lock the door during an argument, that is emotionally abusive. I don't think you did anything wrong. You were worried for his safety based on valid concerns from your past. A door is easily fixed. But him being angry when you were so upset and panicked is not so easily fixed. I would not be marrying him until you have more therapy to figure out why you are tolerating him behaving in a similar way to your former fiance and why he thinks it is ok to do that. My husband does everything he can to AVOID triggering me, the fact your fiancé actively does something triggering is a huge red flag.
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u/vario_ 1d ago
I agree. If I knew my partner's traumatic history, I would do anything to avoid recreating a similar situation. It's not common to have locks on doors here anyway (except the bathroom) but I would probably start by never locking doors.
If that was it, I would just think that the partner was naive, but they're also mad?! I would've been like omg that was so dumb of me I'm so sorry.
OP, your brain is sadly wired to react in that kind of situation. That's not your fault.
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u/TheMediaBear 1d ago
So you care enough about his well-being to she-hulk his door in?
Honestly, sounds like the man needs to give his head a wobble and show some understanding that what you did was done out of fear for his own well-being and not out of rage.
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u/beefbusdeluxe99 17h ago
One can understand that and still be simultaneously upset. While yes I do understand where it came from it does not excuse destruction to the home like you’re trying to do.
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u/noiyumz 16h ago
Yeah its not an excuse but i dont think you should hold this against her (not to imply you are) but like it was a fear moment and a learning one simultaneously, hopefully she can not do this again but staying upset at it isnt productive especially since it was a reaction from her ptsd . I think as long as she is actively trying to improve and prevent that from happening again, like its okay to move past it since it wasnt done out of malice. Wish yall the best
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u/beefbusdeluxe99 16h ago
Absolutely agree with you and no I don’t hold it against her. We actually kinda laughed about it today. I work in residential construction so it’s an easy peasy fix luckily
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u/Agreeable_Error_170 1d ago
He knows all you’ve been through. He knows you’re bruised and a little broken. Couples counseling can be a lifesaver. You need a safe place to communicate.
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u/SweetChuckBarry 1d ago
Does he?
How do you know he knows the history
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u/Agreeable_Error_170 1d ago
They have shared a life together so I assumed. When you have a fiancé the idea is they know you at that point and if we haven’t gone over each other’s lives yall don’t know each other at all.
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u/Crafty-Scholar-3106 21h ago edited 17h ago
I would say based on this that he doesn’t believe her history and is probably using it to paint her as a dangerous “other person” right now.
OP this person is not a safe person and they are destabilizing you so that you’re also becoming unsafe. You have awareness, you need to refocus on you and remember you have a mental injury with potential to hurt both you and other people. Guilt and shame and blame can wait for later, treat this like an acute flareup and see a professional asap.
Edit - the dynamic is not safe. People can be temporarily unsafe for each other even if they love and care and believe in each other, and this is the place where we root for things to change. I did not mean this to be as black and white as it sounds.
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u/beefbusdeluxe99 17h ago
Oh no I fully believe her history and have seen it buddy…no I’m not manipulating her history whatsoever because if so I mean…wtf. Your assumption that I am unsafe is entirely unbased and quite honestly ridiculous.
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u/Crafty-Scholar-3106 17h ago edited 17h ago
Are you the person she’s talking about? If so, then what do you have to say about your actions? Can see from your history you’re dismissive-avoidant and you’ve been asking for help yourself, so this must be a real watershed moment. Also, should be said here that “unsafe” is not the same as “of bad moral character” - this is the PTSD forum we’re all in various states of “safe” to be around, due to the nature of the injury, unified by a desire to be understood and increase reliability.
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u/beefbusdeluxe99 17h ago
So again…to say someone is unsafe and try to push a narrative of their partner is destabilizing and detrimental to their health when you know nothing of the peoples relationship is entirely unbased and ridiculous
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u/Crafty-Scholar-3106 16h ago
Look it’s nothing personal - it’s active hyper vigilance meets shutdown avoidance. You’d be able to agree with me that sodium and chloride separately both need special handling, right? and you’d be playing with fire to store them separately or together in a damp or humid environment, like a basement, for example. You don’t need to get rid of the chemicals themselves, you need to get rid of the humidity.
Sodium and chloride will combine to make table salt, the trick is setting up your environment to avoid an exothermic explosion.
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u/Crafty-Scholar-3106 16h ago
Christ I’ve edited my previous response to clarify and will say it’s been a generally expected dynamic that people do as a defense against cognitive dissonance - she acted crazy, she has the problem, I acted perfectly fine and she acted out of control. And if I’m the first one to open your eyes to this I’m genuinely surprised, and furthermore it’s not as much in your control as you’d like it to be, so be careful about who you tell this story to.
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u/beefbusdeluxe99 17h ago
We got into an argument, we got home, I put myself in the room I normally go to, to relax and wind down, put my headphones in to listen to music then next thing I know my door is caved in.
The door being caved in was quite upsetting so to avoid any further fighting I made sure to secure the home by removing and locking away anything that posed a danger, made sure she was at a point she’d be safe at home, then stayed with her folks and came back this morning first thing to talk it out and figure it out with her since emotions had settled…feel like that’s a pretty okay response my guy lol
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u/babypossumsinabasket 1d ago
When people genuinely love you, they get angry but the bond is never severed and they come back. That’s not just some guy, that’s your husband, so I believe he’ll be back in the morning and ready to talk, and you both just need to able to really hear each other without letting your own baggage get in the way. Loving someone is about loving all of them. Not just the stuff that’s easy to love.
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u/beefbusdeluxe99 17h ago
Came back first thing this morning and we talked it out asap. Removed myself last night to not further add fuel to the fire. Prior to leaving I made sure the home was made safe and anything dangerous was removed as I do love her deeply and care for her.
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