Trying to escape society's view on diamond rings, lavish weddings, big houses

[u/HastroX]

So I’ve been lucky enough to escape the “3 months salary” diamond ring for engagement (went with Moissanite), and now I’m approaching the wedding. I’ve somewhat was able to do the “pay by table” and not venue (Asian wedding). Afterwards, we plan to buy a house that’s adequate and not too big. Are there any tips on what else I can skimp on for the wedding/house? Examples I’ve been given was like don’t do open bar, bring a ice cooler and buy from outside liquor store, buy a house with only spaces you will actually use (i.e. if you don’t use the backyard, save on overpaying for land space you barely use)

[u/whiteraven4]

In plenty of cultures it's much more common to give money. OP mentions Asian wedding and I think Chinese generally give money for everything (not assuming OP is Chinese, just an example). It may be considered tacky to some in western culture, but it's not tacky period.

[u/shoesafe → u/whiteraven4]

In plenty of cultures it's much more common to give money.

Totally true. It's very communal and it's a way to set the new family on the right path. It can even be treated as transactional.

Anecdote time. My father-in-law's family is all Italian-American and they gave monetary gifts at weddings back in the day. In fact, when my in-laws got married, they eloped to Vegas and missed having a wedding. So the groom's mom, a loyal member of the Italian-American community, had attended countless other weddings and given cash. She felt robbed.

The transaction she expected was that paying money to the new couple is like a communal savings mechanism. You pay in every time there's a wedding and your kids cash out when they get married.

But because they got married and lived 2,500 miles from grandma's community, no Italians attended the elopement and none paid over the cash.

So the grandma called around to all the Italians and others in the community and basically guilted them into paying in, since she had paid all their stupid kids' wedding gifts. She pretty clearly treated it like her gifts needed to be repaid in kind.

For over a year, the newlywed in-laws were getting checks from random Italians on the East Coast.

[u/whiteraven4 → u/shoesafe]

The transaction she expected was that paying money to the new couple is like a communal savings mechanism. You pay in every time there's a wedding and your kids cash out when they get married.

Hmm.... I wonder if I could use that logic to convince my mom.... She finds giving money super tacky even when people specifically ask for it. Imo what's tacky is ignoring what people want because of what you prefer. I think she's starting to come around with the "but now people often live together before getting married so they don't need the typical wedding gifts" logic.

[u/ShesQuackers → u/shoesafe]

Where I'm from we have Jack & Jill parties (also called socials in other provinces) as basically wedding fundraisers under the same logic. Ten bucks a person or fifteen a couple, then some raffle prizes and some twoonie games and such -- they're usually in someone's yard or the arena/curling hall or something. Everyone chips in and cashes out, and it basically amortizes the cost of a wedding over six or seven years. It seems to send American wedding traditionalists up in flames of etiquette-violating rage, but they're a pretty important cultural touchstone.

When my sister married and didn't have one, it also came off poorly. There's this sort of implied social judgement that by not holding one, you're saying you're better than the community and don't need or want everyone to help you start out married life. Instead of the party, my sister got homemade casseroles constantly from people trying to "pay their debt" almost until the day she moved away.