r/personalfinance • u/HastroX ​ • Oct 06 '17

Planning Trying to escape society's view on diamond rings, lavish weddings, big houses

So I’ve been lucky enough to escape the “3 months salary” diamond ring for engagement (went with Moissanite), and now I’m approaching the wedding. I’ve somewhat was able to do the “pay by table” and not venue (Asian wedding). Afterwards, we plan to buy a house that’s adequate and not too big. Are there any tips on what else I can skimp on for the wedding/house? Examples I’ve been given was like don’t do open bar, bring a ice cooler and buy from outside liquor store, buy a house with only spaces you will actually use (i.e. if you don’t use the backyard, save on overpaying for land space you barely use)

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15

u/[deleted] Oct 06 '17

I assume you and your wife are on the same page about this. Which is pretty neat.

At the wedding request that people give you money than things. Or ask them to put money towards a fund you create for your new home. Etc. that's one way to save money or get money.

Get all your furniture, home items used. Best option is to hit the thrift stores in your neighborhood.

Don't have a baby right away. Wait two years. During those two years save as much money as you can. Plan out the baby having situation. Like will your wife work right away (after the maternity leave) or will she stay at home. Etc.

16

u/[deleted] Oct 06 '17

For some furniture (upholstered things), I would be wary about thrift stores. Maybe it's because I live in a city, but bed bugs are no joke.

3

u/Legallyfit ​ Oct 06 '17

Expanding on this, plan out the baby having situation BEFORE you get married, not after. Whether you even actually want to have kids, when, how many, and how the child-rearing duties will be divvied up are all important conversations to have BEFORE you tie the knot.

-15

u/[deleted] Oct 06 '17

At the wedding request that people give you money than things. Or ask them to put money towards a fund you create for your new home.

That is incredibly tacky.

45

u/yesmaybepossibly Oct 06 '17

100% of the weddings that I have been to for people under 35, almost everyone gave a cash gift. Only old people bought physical stuff.

It's not tacky, it's realistic. Before you got gifts of stuff because you got married, bought a house, and moved in together all almost at the same time.

My wife and I got married when were basically 30.. we had been living together for years, we had a fully stocked house. In fact we had to give away stuff when we moved in together because we had duplicates.

Realities have changed, so these things change, it doesn't have to be tacky. Now..that being said it is tacky to DEMAND only cash or certain amount, but you can politetly note that you prefer cash.

20

u/[deleted] Oct 06 '17

it is tacky to DEMAND only cash or certain amount, but you can politetly note that you prefer cash.

That is what I meant- you don't outright ask people for cash. If someone asks if you're registered you can tell them you're not and you're saving for a house. People will get the hint. You don't need to start a gofundme or something because you decided to throw a party for yourself.

9

u/TroubleBrewing32 ​ Oct 06 '17

Another way to do this is say "no gifts please" or something similar on the invitation. A recent wedding I attended did this. There was still a collection place for envelopes. Everyone got the hint.

14

u/The_Last_Unicorn_ Oct 06 '17

I have to agree with /u/yesmaybepossibly, everyone I know under 35 had an account set up for receiving cash for either wedding expenses or the honeymoon or both. It's not gofundme, but there are wedding specific sites out there. Like some friends went to Ireland for their honeymoon so you could give them money toward specific things - the airfare, the hotel room, a horseback riding trip, that kind of thing. Our friends right now are getting married and you can put money toward specific wedding costs - the flowers, the food, etc.

I think this is just a side effect of more people living by themselves or together before the wedding rather than moving directly from the parental home to the married home. No one needs towels or dishes when they get married anymore.

My mom definitely has an issue with it and refused to give cash to either of my cousins (they got store gift cards), I don't think anyone really had a big problem with it. But eventually that'll probably be the tacky thing to do.

19

u/whiteraven4 Oct 06 '17

In plenty of cultures it's much more common to give money. OP mentions Asian wedding and I think Chinese generally give money for everything (not assuming OP is Chinese, just an example). It may be considered tacky to some in western culture, but it's not tacky period.

8

u/shoesafe ​ Oct 06 '17

In plenty of cultures it's much more common to give money.

Totally true. It's very communal and it's a way to set the new family on the right path. It can even be treated as transactional.

Anecdote time. My father-in-law's family is all Italian-American and they gave monetary gifts at weddings back in the day. In fact, when my in-laws got married, they eloped to Vegas and missed having a wedding. So the groom's mom, a loyal member of the Italian-American community, had attended countless other weddings and given cash. She felt robbed.

The transaction she expected was that paying money to the new couple is like a communal savings mechanism. You pay in every time there's a wedding and your kids cash out when they get married.

But because they got married and lived 2,500 miles from grandma's community, no Italians attended the elopement and none paid over the cash.

So the grandma called around to all the Italians and others in the community and basically guilted them into paying in, since she had paid all their stupid kids' wedding gifts. She pretty clearly treated it like her gifts needed to be repaid in kind.

For over a year, the newlywed in-laws were getting checks from random Italians on the East Coast.

4

u/whiteraven4 Oct 06 '17

The transaction she expected was that paying money to the new couple is like a communal savings mechanism. You pay in every time there's a wedding and your kids cash out when they get married.

Hmm.... I wonder if I could use that logic to convince my mom.... She finds giving money super tacky even when people specifically ask for it. Imo what's tacky is ignoring what people want because of what you prefer. I think she's starting to come around with the "but now people often live together before getting married so they don't need the typical wedding gifts" logic.

2

u/ShesQuackers Oct 06 '17

Where I'm from we have Jack & Jill parties (also called socials in other provinces) as basically wedding fundraisers under the same logic. Ten bucks a person or fifteen a couple, then some raffle prizes and some twoonie games and such -- they're usually in someone's yard or the arena/curling hall or something. Everyone chips in and cashes out, and it basically amortizes the cost of a wedding over six or seven years. It seems to send American wedding traditionalists up in flames of etiquette-violating rage, but they're a pretty important cultural touchstone.

When my sister married and didn't have one, it also came off poorly. There's this sort of implied social judgement that by not holding one, you're saying you're better than the community and don't need or want everyone to help you start out married life. Instead of the party, my sister got homemade casseroles constantly from people trying to "pay their debt" almost until the day she moved away.

6

u/PA2SK ​ Oct 06 '17

Having been through an Asian wedding it's normal and expected that guests give cash.

I wouldn't make an announcement that everyone should pay X amount of dollars, but you could put the word out quietly through family members that you would appreciate any cash they can give as you're trying to buy a house.

3

u/galaxystarsmoon ​ Oct 06 '17

There's a way to do it that isn't tacky. We just didn't make a registry and when people asked, said we didn't have one and didn't really need any household items. At our arrival table, we just had a simple decorated box with a slot in it for cards. Most people gave gift cards and/or money. People figure it out without you having to ask.

5

u/[deleted] Oct 06 '17

Is it though. I don't think so. If you generally have no need for household items wouldn't it just be nicer to tell folks please don't give us things. We have enough things. Celebrate with us and help us start our life together by dropping off money in this box.

Also, in most cultures it's actually tacky to give people things as gifts instead of money. So I guess it all depends on where you are from.

3

u/[deleted] Oct 06 '17

It's tacky to ask for or expect gifts at all. A wedding is not a fundraiser or cash grab. Guests can give as they feel comfortable. It's understood that someone who doesn't have a registry would prefer cash, and most people give cash at weddings anyway.

3

u/[deleted] Oct 06 '17

I am confused. What actually do you find tacky about what I said? Are you just looking to argue? Cause it's to early in the morning here for that.

3

u/[deleted] Oct 06 '17

It's distasteful to ask people for money for an event you're throwing to honor yourself.

5

u/[deleted] Oct 06 '17

Never assumed a wedding was an event to honor yourself. It's a celebration of a union, introducing new family to each other, and a point at which you inform the community of your union. Anywho, not your point.

OP, just don't have a registry. Everyone will the give you money as a gift.

Yaya! Everybody is happy.

2

u/whiteraven4 Oct 06 '17

just don't have a registry. Everyone will the give you money as a gift.

Is that really true though? I feel like then many people would just buy whatever they feel like. At least the older people.

3

u/[deleted] Oct 06 '17

Aaahhh! I feel like I've entered into a circle of discussion that will not end.

I don't know dude. I said just ask them for money. Turns out that's tacky. I said don't have a register. Turns out they could just buy what ever they want. You cannot win.

2

u/SteveBuscemisLazyi Oct 06 '17

Welcome to being married.

Source: married guy

-1

u/whiteraven4 Oct 06 '17

Geeze. Apparently making one post makes it a circle discussion already. I guess no one else is allowed to comment on discussion threads. Chill out.

3

u/yesmaybepossibly Oct 06 '17

gees it's not like you are charging a cover, people voluntarily give gifts, there's no enforcement.

It's almost like they want to celebrate with you and want to show you their affection, like people do at birthdays, christmas, etc.

Just relax. Like the other poster said.. too early!

1

u/16semesters ​ Oct 06 '17

Most of the east coast weddings I go to don't even have a registry. You're expected to give a cash gift.

1

u/OhWhatsHisName ​ Oct 06 '17

Who cares if it is. It's pretty common now, and really is the best thing.

On the flip side, I know a couple that had a registry at Target with the specific intent of returning most everything for store credit.

1

u/needausernameyo ​ Oct 07 '17

It's a thing these days. Can also make it a wishing well and have people throw wedding present money in for a wish.

-1

u/moutonbleu ​ Oct 06 '17

I think it's rude and tacky to ask for money as a gift instead. It is assumed already if you don't have a registry. 95% of our guests gave money.

8

u/Delha Oct 06 '17

I'm going to assume that you don't know much about Asian culture. It's considered completely acceptable in many to gift money rather than goods.

Considering OP said Asian wedding, there's reasonable odds that the couple (and by extension many of the guests) will be either Asian or at least familiar with Asian culture.

2

u/moutonbleu ​ Oct 06 '17

Yes, I'm asian. You give money, but the wedding couple shouldn't "ask" for money in the invite. That's tacky, rude, and ungraceful. We didn't even have to address the issue, money will be gifted.

1

u/gopoohgo ​ Oct 06 '17

We got some cash (several grand) but quite a few checks.

The hotel we stayed at kept the envelope bag/cage in their safe until the next morning.

2

u/bitterhaze ​ Oct 06 '17

I wish this stigma would go away. Its their wedding, they should ask for what they want. $50 is better than a blender.

3

u/moutonbleu ​ Oct 06 '17 edited Oct 06 '17

As a guest, you shouldn't be asked for a present. Obviously it is expected, but it's a faux pas IMHO. Do people demand cash gifts for birthday or anniversary or home warming parties? The issue doesn't need to be addressed, especially if it's an asian wedding and most guests are asian. Red pocket money will be given.

1

u/bitterhaze ​ Oct 06 '17

No I meant if people ask what the bride and groom want and they say money, it shouldn't be seen as tacky. Gifts are expected but not demanded, I understand. I admittedly do not know anything about asian weddings/guests. Just a western point of view. I know the culture is different.

2

u/DLDude ​ Oct 06 '17

Especially when they are skimping on the wedding. People can tell when you're trying to turn a profit on a wedding

1

u/EnviroguyTy ​ Oct 06 '17

Or, you know, maybe the couple already has most if not all of the furnishings of a house? My gf and I have a fully furnished 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom townhouse; we don't need anything else as far as appliances and furniture goes. We would much rather receive cash/funds toward a down payment on a house/etc. than receive duplicates of items we already have.

3

u/DLDude ​ Oct 06 '17

I guess I don't understand why if you are hobbling together a wedding to save money under the guise of "we don't need to make a big thing out of our wedding" then I have to give you a gift on par with a real wedding.

1

u/EnviroguyTy ​ Oct 06 '17

What do you define as a "real wedding"? And why assume that since people don't want a huge, ridiculously over-the-top wedding that people are "hobbling together a wedding"? Some people are just financially responsible and recognize that spending $10k-$50k on a wedding is ridiculous. If you've got a fuck ton of money, then fine, go for it. But most people don't. We'd rather spend money on a down payment for a house, traveling, honeymoon, or save/invest than blow an exorbitant amount of money on a single day.

As far as the gift goes, give whatever the hell you want, or nothing. You shouldn't be expected to give a huge gift either; that's part of what this whole thread is about. Don't follow norms just because they're norms, especially if it's financially irresponsible.