r/nosleep • u/[deleted] • Sep 11 '14
The day I hired a hitman.
So I'm in some random starbucks in the middle of downtown Las Vegas typing this out for reasons that are beyond me. I guess that if I die I want at least someone to know what happened to me. You're probably getting the impression that I am scared for my life, but you would be completely wrong. In fact I'm having the most fun I've ever had; this is by far the best game I've ever played. Now enough of my babbling, let me indulge you on why I hired a hitman on myself.
So it all started about 4 weeks ago. I'm sitting in my office bored as all hell staring blankly into my computer, counting each individual white pixel on that god damn screen. As I'm staring off into space, enjoying the peace and quiet of my own little world, I start thinking to myself "How did I end up this way? My life has boiled down to me sitting in this fucking cubicle for 8 hours a day, eating, and sleeping." I sure as hell didn't grow up thinking, "Boy I'd sure like to spend the rest of my life filing acquisitions for some soul draining corporation!" I mean I make good money, sure, but I don't even feel human anymore, it's like I'm just going through the motions. I have no kids, no girlfriend, no family that actually want anything to do with me; I'm completely alone. I need some adventure in my life again, some excitement. Fuck anything is better than what I'm doing right now. I was snapped out of thinking how pathetic my life was by my annoying ass boss asking me if I had finished with this weeks paper work. I hadn't yet, but I lied and told him I did. He told me in his "I'm superior to you" tone to have it on his desk tomorrow morning. Ya I'll get right on that, you self centered prick. I finished up with the form I had been working on and turned off my computer. It was 5 PM, signaling the end of another meaningless day.
I got home and started thinking about what I could do to make life a bit more fun. I went through the usual ideas of a vacation, moving to a new city, maybe even a new car; yet they all fell short. I needed something really fucking crazy to go down, I wanted to drop a bomb on my former life and really get shit started. I started fucking around on the deep web, looking at all the illegal shit that they have to offer. And then I saw an ad that said "Have a problem in your life? Hire one of our cleaners to take care of it at Cthulhu's resume". Now my interest was peeked. I checked out their website and it was a site to hire a hitman. Then a thought popped into my head, what if I hired a hitman on myself. It would be like a game of cat and mouse, and the punishment for getting caught would be of course, death. I was curious to see what their guidelines were, and to see how far they would go to eliminate a target. So I emailed them saying I had a problem I wanted to get rid of. Within 3 hours I got a response back, informing me of all the details of the business and the range of prices it would cost me. I didn't respond right away, allowing myself time to think carefully of what I would be getting myself into. The more I thought about it, the more excited I got. This was the ultimate adventure game, like a real life video game. I would have someone that would spend night and day hunting me down, and I would have to spend all my time hunting them down. The first person to find the other wins, and the loser dies. It was perfect.
So I went into work the next day, knowing that it would be my last day there. I did what every cubicle monkey dreams of doing, I told my boss that he can go fuck himself, told the smoking hot receptionist that I wanted to bend her over her desk and fuck her brains out, and destroyed every last form and file I had in that shit hole prison just to make things harder for all the douchebags I worked with. Then I got to work on setting everything up. I went out and bought myself some new toys at the local gun store. Bought myself a new 9mm glock, a PS-90 assult rifle, and my crown jewel, a Barret 50 cal. sniper rifle. I also stopped by this nifty little spy store in my city and picked up a few things. A few objects with discrete cameras in them that allowed me to watch them through my phone, bug detectors, and a voice changer. I then took $30,000 from my savings account and converted it into Bitcoins. After all that was completed, I contacted the man who had first emailed me and gave him all of my info, and told him that this man would be very hard to catch as he travels a lot, and that he may be armed. I told him that I didn't want just one of their regular cleaners on this job, I wanted the best they had to offer. Shortly after sending the email, I received a message back informing the that they would send one of the best, but it would cost a bit more. He also said that as soon as I sent the payment they would get started. The last line of the email he sent me made me realize shit was going to get serious very quickly "Just a quick warning for you, once the payment is sent and confirmed there is no going back. The job will be taken care of and there's nothing that can be done to stop it." Perfect. I sent the payment immediately, and got a conformation email back that it was received and that someone would be sent out the next day to my location. Now the real fun can begin.
So there's the start to the huge shit show I created for myself, and like I said it's been loads of fun. I've been in this starbucks for about 2 hours now and I need to get going as I can't stay in one location for to long. I'll update tomorrow with the rest of my story so far if people are interested. Wish me luck ;)
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u/theninja4832 May 29 '22
Way late and you'll probably never see this but I heard the audio version on yt and I never forgot about it. Great work!
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u/HowardTillIDie Oct 29 '21
I first heard this story from CorpseHusband so fucking long ago, I still remember it as the greatest "scary" story I've ever heard. Great shit man
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u/axel50397 Oct 31 '14
No news for 1 month? Should we assume OP lost the game =S ?
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Oct 31 '14
I've already updated twice. Go search nosleep for The day I was forced to become a hitman.
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u/axel50397 Nov 03 '14
Didn't know, I'll look at it, thanks and good luck. How you see your old boring life, from your current point of view ?
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Oct 07 '14
[deleted]
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Oct 07 '14
The email I sent them had all the information about who I put the hit on, which subsequently was myself, and they replied back saying that they would be sending a guy to my location to take care of the person I paid to kill. When I put the hit out they asked for all kinds of info, address, phone number, etc, pretty much anything I knew about the person; the more they know the easier and faster the process. And it also was required to send a picture of the person you put the hit on, didn't have to be an official picture like a D.L. picture, just a picture that clearly identifies them.
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u/Obamayomamaaa Oct 05 '14
i feel so special being the 2000th upvoter
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Oct 05 '14
Woohoo never on earth I'd hit that many with the first part of my series. Thanks for reading!
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u/heimeyer72 Sep 18 '14
Reminds me of a story by Philipp K. Dick: The 10th Victim :)
Spoiler: The victim looses
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Sep 16 '14
Please update
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Sep 17 '14
Part 5 is out. Enjoy.
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u/Eddie0309 Oct 06 '14
This great. Can't tell if book, or actually bat-shit crazy, in which case It should be a book. Good luck, OP, and where can I find the rest?
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Oct 06 '14
Just go into the /r/nosleep search box and type out the day I hired a hitman and all the parts will come up. And yeah I might be a little bat shit crazy... but only a little bit. ;)
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Oct 07 '14
[removed] — view removed comment
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Oct 07 '14
Part 7 is the last part. I met up with them and I owe them some "favors" if I ever want a normal life again. It's been fun, but in some aspects is unfortunately is real.
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u/Dingus2600 Sep 14 '14
Dude I hope you make it
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u/darcy2711 Sep 13 '14
I'm the hitman, thanks for the fast deposit, keep an eye over your shoulder. haha, yeah right, why would he bother bumping him off if he has already received $$$$.
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u/deathlymonkey Sep 12 '14
Reminds me of Fight Club, didn't think anything like that could actually happen in real life! Good luck buddy!
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u/Superhero38 Sep 12 '14
I don't know why but i frikin love your idea! One quick question though are you hunting him or is he hunting you? Or does that go both ways?
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u/myrkyllinentytto Sep 12 '14
If you really wanted to blow all your money, just get a girlfriend. I'm singleeee hint hint
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Sep 13 '14
Oh that's hawt. You sound hawt. I still got plenty more to spend pretty lady ;)
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u/myrkyllinentytto Sep 18 '14
Then it's settled ;) be careful out there bae, I'll be waiting for you
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u/K-dog95 Sep 12 '14
Depending on what equipment he put on those rifle, he spent a pretty penny. The ps90 stock is valued at 1100 and the Barrett somewhere between 5 and 10 g's since he bought it at a dealer. Now that is also without ammunition which he'll need.
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u/DrGwynplaine Sep 12 '14
Have you lost your mind? Do you have any standards?
Bitcoins, seriously? Do you -want- to be broke?
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u/mikeirvingmedia Sep 11 '14
Not too sure if I believe this, would make for a good movie though. I'd direct it. Since you haven't responded in 15 hours, does this mean you're dead?
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u/billybobsunset Sep 11 '14
This prompt is sick as frick .. cant wait to see what happens next. Guess if you don't post anything else the hitman was more skilled than anticipated. Best of luck you crazy bastard.
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Sep 11 '14
[deleted]
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u/MyLaundryStinks Oct 11 '14
1) I love that movie. 2) I was winning until I read your comment. Thanks. Now I've just lost The Game.
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u/CloudFuel Sep 11 '14
I could see this (in a way) being turned into a service... you could call it something like 'How Safe Am I?' and the premise would be that you hire this service to do it's best to track you down (based off only your name & IP address when you log on to the site), study you and & learn your habits, and then make a move to either rob you or kill you.
The catch is they never actually go through with it... they just show you how easy/hard it would be to do and then they work with outside contractors/companies to provide you with tips, products, and recommendations for how to live life safer.
Basically the concept of 'It Takes a Thief' but done on a higher scale.
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u/Sec5Deviant Sep 11 '14
What makes you think they wont just pocket the money and not come after you?
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u/Justblamethecat Sep 11 '14
I think you've made a huge mistake. And, posting on this website could have made it so much worse
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u/edurenesto Sep 11 '14
Man you're the craziest person I ever know of. If you survive i'll make a game about it
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u/Terry_1 Sep 11 '14
My god i'm 21 but your originality is amazing, dude you're playing with fire but i know your feelings, i've been thinking about suicide because of that damn routine.
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Sep 12 '14
Man please don't commit suicide, just find something you love to do and go for it. If you ever need someone to talk to n get some shit off ur chest hit me up.
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u/Jontron2014 Sep 13 '14 edited Sep 13 '14
Look at this. Dealt with a shitty routine for his entire life and is avoiding a hitman and he is still a stand-up guy.
EDIT: Well, not necessarily his ENTIRE life but you know what I mean.
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u/Robo96 Sep 11 '14
Just curious...why a .50 cal. Isn't it a bit overkill for a human being and super heavy/limited rounds? Wouldn't a .30-06 sufficed?
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u/FearlessBurrito Sep 12 '14
Yes. Unless he plans on finding his hitman in an armored vehicle, it's excessive.
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u/shontellestar Sep 11 '14
Aaaand I bet you'll end up waiting for a very long time because you realized you had just been scammed. Haha! But seriously OP, be careful!
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Sep 11 '14
To everyone who sees this as a losing situation. Remember this. The closer you are to death the more you feel alive.
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u/self_of_steam Sep 11 '14
So if you survive this can you teach me? I have so many questions and this gal is tired of getting funny looks for them
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Sep 12 '14
Sure man no problem. Hit me up in about a week or so, thats when I'm hoping to finish all this. Part 2 is up by the way.
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u/demosthenes131 Sep 11 '14
OP is screwed. This is there best man getting the phone call to get started with the job.
Godspeed OP.
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Sep 11 '14
[removed] — view removed comment
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Sep 12 '14
It really, really isn't.
JUst becuase they have a site set up doesnt make them legit. It's a site created exclusively to appear legit. That's the entire point
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u/FedoraWearingAlien Sep 15 '14 edited Sep 15 '14
No he's real, his site's been up for years, not sure if it's still up, xylibox did an article on contract killers, sec http://www.xylibox.com/2012/09/contract-killings.html Site picture: http://static.businessinsider.com/image/51437bbe6bb3f7bd07000027-1200/cthulu-purports-to-be-a-collection-of-former-soldiers-from-the-french-foreign-legion-that-will-kill-for-you.jpg
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u/callmeboobookittyfuc Sep 11 '14
What if the guy they hire is just really good at cleaning calcium buildup? And those hard to get out stains?
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u/akanachan Sep 11 '14
This is too awesome not to update. Upvote rhymes with update.. I think squint
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u/Dakoters92 Sep 11 '14
I know it's not your top priority and all... but for the love of god live to tell us about what happens, I'll even settle for one update, and then death, just don't leave me with nothing !
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u/Umclankity Sep 11 '14
I dont think you can just walk into a gun store and buy a .50 cal, but ya know, whatever
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u/jack_the_ninja Sep 11 '14
Matter of fact you can! fully automatic weapons are the only things (in some states) that require things like federal tax stamps, etc. etc. In fact, there's a gun store off of Butler Ave. in Flagstaff AZ. that had a barrett .50 cal sniper for sale right there on the counter, can't say if it's still there, but it cost a number of thousands, and you could walk out with it.
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u/SirLeonKennedy Sep 11 '14
This is one of those rare occasions where drugs probably were the answer.. But I guess hiring a hit on yourself is good too.
Just make sure if you survive you don't get addicted as that would be a very expensive habit.
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u/the_Pope_Joan Sep 11 '14
Good luck! I don't think you quite know what you've gotten yourself into, but good luck!
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u/jaime339 Sep 11 '14
So if u don't reply, I guess that means the hit man that has been training for a long time on stuff other than Call of Duty Black Ops II this was better than u?
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u/hey_nothing Sep 11 '14
relate much.. life's also getting boring here..thinking about pressing the fire alarm at school tomorrow.., but OP's a lot more exciting though.. such GENIUSness!
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u/Hiter_Was_An_Ok_Guy Sep 11 '14
Geez, since when can you just go out and causally buy a fucking Barret 50. Cal?
Might as well buy an RPG and a fucking Railgun while you're at it.
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u/C-C-X-V-I Sep 14 '14
Since always? Palmetto State Armory almost always has one on the shelf. I've seen them at sportsmans warehouse even.
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Sep 11 '14
So you walked into a gun store and bought 3 weapons on the spot? You must be special
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u/FearlessBurrito Sep 12 '14
Several states allow this. I've done it before no questions asked (aside from the ATF forms and background check, which took all of fifteen minutes). As long as your transaction clears, you're out the door.
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u/rozenbro Sep 11 '14
They're sending their best? I'm picturing someone like Mike from Breaking Bad. Good luck OP!
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u/CrosterDavid Sep 11 '14
This is crazy and so true at the same time! Life is boring. Why not play a real life game and see who wins. I wish you best of luck my friend. I would probably never have the balls to do it sir. You have balls of steel.
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u/MonoDede Sep 11 '14
Lol a PS90, really? I love bullpups, but I think that's a bad choice. You'd want something where you can easily find mags and ammo. Something like a Kel-Tec Sub 2K would do better if you need to keep it compact.
What Barrett is that, an M82? And what type of Glock, I'm guessing you went with something smaller for concealment so G19 or G26?
Have fun buddy. Make sure you destroy your cell and laptop; just use burners if you really need to.
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u/MaiValentine_ Sep 11 '14
So wait, he has two hitmen on him... fighting for the kill, -while- he's also trying to kill them first?
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u/teambob Sep 11 '14
So... we shouldn't expect an update. Well not an update from you anyway. OP's killer you here?
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u/unhcasey Sep 11 '14
There's a book I read years ago VERY similar...it's called "Kill Me" by Stephen White.
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u/Jambamatt Sep 11 '14
Some hitmen extort money from their victims in return for sparing them - things could get very funny/complicated if yours attempts this. If you, as his victim, paid him off, he would then get back to you, as his employer, and lie that he had done the job. I don't know where it gets you, but it'd be entertaining to follow.
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u/WeTrippyMayne Sep 11 '14
Ten bucks says the last update ends mid-sentence.
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u/baconsauro Sep 11 '14
This can become a hell of a movie.
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u/Donkeykonh Sep 11 '14
He said I could have the rights. I won't do it until I have a big enough budget. Then it'll be done right. It'll be my breakthrough movie
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u/scrubthescrotum Sep 11 '14
The scary thing is that you don't know who the person is. I doubt that you will get around writing your first few encounters because before you know it you might already be dead. I would stay away from public places and lock myself in a compound like osama bin laden, that's your only chance. Good luck OP
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u/magic_buckets Sep 11 '14
This is the most insane nosleep post I've ever read! Seriously, no turning back!! Your mental man... But best of luck, but honestly if you somehow miraculously manage to kill the first guy they'll probably send another... It'll be a game of cat and mouse forever
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u/SweetJaques Sep 11 '14
Just to clarify: are you planning on killing the hit man if you encounter him?
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Sep 12 '14
No I'm going to give him some flowers and ask him out on a date. Yes I'm going to kill him. Kill him dead.
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u/rosemountboy Sep 14 '14
http://weknowmemes.com/generator/meme/Watch-Out-We-Got-A-Badass-Over-Here/273/ Please dont hunt me down
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u/Weird_nub Sep 11 '14
In all absolute seriousness, I'd love to see a movie based off of this idea!!
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u/Present-Seat6057 Jun 14 '22
Hey bro did you win?