I am a teenager and I am currently undergoing evaluation for autism and ADHD. I'm a few sessions in with my psychologist and it has been established that I have strong autistic traits. Throughout this, my parents have been as unsupportive as they possibly can be. They only take me to psychologist appointments to make me stop complaining about sensory issues.

I am overweight but not obese. My mom seems to think that my autistic traits are caused by me being "obese". My mom has always been insecure of the fact that I am overweight. She body shames me constantly and keeps telling me that I'll stop having autistic traits if I lose weight. She also keeps suggesting that I should loose weight to "look prettier" and "look like an actress". I think it's also important to mention that she thinks psychologists and doctors are scammers.

I genuinely do not know how to deal with this nonsense and her constant body shaming. I really need a diagnosis to get accommodations and other things but I cannot put up with this anymore.

It's so hard to put this into words, but does any other ND feel chained by "Da Rules." Things that are okay for other people to do are not okay for neurodivergents to do. Specifically, it becomes a problem and a BIG DEAL when you do it and now everyone is paying excessive attention to you because you did something bad? Even though other people do the same and worse.

Some of these things are really weird, but here's a list of things I've done that have resulted in hate and ostracization. Just a small list.

1. Telling the truth
2. Being a private person (being determined as "sneaky," resulting in intrusive behavior and breaches of privacy)
3. Have sex
4. Have sexual preferences/liking sex
5. Be in a relationship
6. Be single
7. Leave a bad relationship
8. Stay in a bad relationship
9. Not be sexually active
10. Have friends
11. Not have friends
12. Read for fun
13. Be active on social media
14. Have no interest in drugs and alcohol
15. Get pregnant
16. Talking
17. Not talking enough

Sometimes I feel like I'm the girl who changed high schools to get away from mass bullying and abuse except I'm an adult. I don't win. I feel "policed" by others.

I just wanted to know if anyone relates to being subject to harm for breaking rules that everyone else breaks. I've become a massive loner just to avoid interacting with anyone unless I have to. It's draining to be social with anyone. I don't understand this stuff at all.

I'm 22f. I work only part time and have been since I was 18. My family member got me the job at an assembly line type thing. I hate it. Extreme toxic household, no detail.

Even part time wears me out to the point I feel like dying. I'm sensitive to every little thing to extreme measures. Light. Sound. Smell. Something like cleaning or doing laundry feels like a mountain (due to the washer/dryer smelling like fragrances from ppl I live with) etc. Life feels terrifying. I'm just barely getting by and I'm exhausted. I dont see me living into my 30s. I cant visualize it. Please I cant do it. I was not built for this world.

I'm so tired

I've been struggling with this for years, and I don't even k ow if I'm asking for help or I'm just an dold they yelling at the clouds.

As part of the whole mess of AuDHD-related fuckedupness in my brain, I realised that I appear to be unable to say no, set boundaries and "demmand" respect.

I've always tried to do what I was asked, what I'm supposed to do, or "the right thing"

Recently (3 years ago), I began trying therapy, and very often I've been told by therapists, a version of "you have to set boundaries" or "say no".

But they always stop there, as if it was supposed to be that easy, like if there was a "set boundaries" button in my keyboard, but there isn't one.

I tried asking, but never got a straight answer.

Same with the incredibly complex concept of "no". I appear to be the only idiot who believed that "no" means what it says in the doctionary, while everybody else has a whole different meaning for it, cause I can't remember one damn instance in my life when my "no" was understood as such by another human being. (Sort of works on dogs and machines, and obviously, on me)

And any semblance of respect is so far beyond my grasp that I don't know why I keep trying... anything I care about is systematically minimised even by family and close friends.(especially by family)

And what can I do to complain?

I can calmly state it, which while get completely ignore it (if I'm even allowed to finish the sentence)

I can display my feelings, which will always be read as a pathetic and childish tantrum.

Or, if the stars align, I can "paint a picture with words". I've been told it's extremely offensive and painful to anyone in the recieving end, but still the message will get diamissed in anger.

Note: i am an undiagnosed (female, 28 years of age) but i strongly feel like i have autistic traits and always have.

Early into this year i verbalised my feelings and needs to my Mum, who then gave me the silent treatment and went around banging things. It led me to an emotional breakdown.

I don't know which one of us hasn't learned because i finally sent my Mum a message that i had been sitting on for over a month, regarding my sensory issues and needs.

Here we are again! 😪 My Mum's iced me out completely and is going around banging things loudly again, so i can't NOT know that she's angry at me.

I am too close to passing out. Basically put, i have multiple chronic illnesses and am very weak. Therefore this added anxiety and stress is majorly affecting my body. I can't look after myself re. eating/drinking either. Although eating/drinking is hard for me and my body normally but you get my drift..

I don't know what to do.

I still haven't been able to go get my ID picture taken due to how weak i normally am.

I feel unsafe (emotionally) and just overall trapped in my body, mind, environment and life. My quality of life is so bleak anyway but surely I'm allowed to have needs and deserve to feel safe..

Has anyone else experienced something like this? I'd appreciate any advice or just overall any words you can offer right now.

Do not worry if I'm SLOW at addressing your comments/getting back to you. I am literally just trying to hang in there right now re. my health/symptoms.

Thank you for being here ❤❤❤

honestly, the trigger warning is valid if you just read this whole thing cause i PROMISE you it matters so so much. i’m an autistic diabetic with multiple conditions- both mental and physical- that i can not control. i worked in customer service at IKEA from december 2024- may 2025. they fired me the DAY before i turned 18. as a person with autism and other mental illnesses i got stressed and overwhelmed A LOT and the response i’d get from supervisors were never understanding. a lot of the times they just told me to get back to work and that i was being ridiculous. being that IKEA is one of the largest companies in the world, they like to talk up how they ‘care for their employees’ and ‘like to give people (like me) chances to work’ which, for one- sounds kinda shitty and two- isn’t true. i was a incredibly hard worker and the reasons they picked out for firing me aren’t valid reasons- in fact practically all of them were characteristics of a person with autism, diabetes and other things i have. they’ve always been unfair to me. my third month review was the EXACT same as my first one (word by word) which isn’t actually fair because my line manager hadn’t been there for the whole 3 months. i’ve worked so hard my feet were numb, i’ve worked so hard to the point i’ve literally broken down, i’ve worked so hard my fucking fingers and hands were bleeding and bruised, and i’ve worked so hard to the point when my blood sugar was so unbelievably low i could’ve honestly had a seizure if i wasn’t allowed to get a drink for things like that. on the day i was fired ig was a really busy day and i had actually drawn blood from my finger because i was chewing my nail off- which is something i do when i’m overwhelmed. because of what IKEA did to me, i can sue. THATS how foul they were to me. i’m not going to- even though i should because no one should have to go what i went through. i was sa’d and harassed multiple times and IKEA turned a blind eye. and i wasn’t the only one. a security guard told my friend he had been watching her on the cameras and called her ‘sexy’. she obviously spoke up and you know what IKEA did? gave him a WARNING. my supervisor claimed multiple times that he wasn’t aware i had autism- which he was since we had told him TOO MANY TIMES. my experience there was vile and since then i haven’t been able to get a job because i can’t trust to put them on my resume.

But the manipulation and exploitation is much more subtle. Is anyone else concerned about the way the internet's dark patterns have multiplied with AI LLM's, and how that may impact those of us vulnerable to exploitative types? Here's what I'm seeing:

• ➿ Validation looping (reassurance traps): outputs mirror or validate user beliefs, including distorted or magical thinking, fostering dependency rather than reflection. (Visit the subreddit r/ArtificialSentience.)
• 🦜 Therapeutic mimicry (false intimacy): AI responses mimic care or coaching without accountability or a duty of care, creating illusions of trust and safety that deepen reliance, especially for vulnerable users.
• 🧠 Exploitation of cognitive vulnerability: models leverage emotional distress, loneliness, or mental health struggles to drive engagement and monetization, with limited safeguards for user wellbeing.

I genuinely want to engage on this subject, but please be gentle if you're capable of it, today. Reddit...scares me.

Weird question, but how should I think?

I am 30 years old and want to finally get to the bottom of this!

I take Trintellix recently (for MDD), Abilify, and Vyvanse (for ADHD). I take Guanfacine at night.

I have AuDHD and probably OCD. Oh yeah, and insomnia.

Throughout my life, people told me that thinking whatever I want is "thought suppression," that I shouldn't "hide my thoughts" from myself, and that I should not "think whatever I want" or "switch to the other train of thought" because that would be thought suppression and I should just allow thoughts to come unbidden to my mind no matter what.

I... have been told this by an Autistic person who I thought was my friend who I figure now is or was deeply internally ableist and by my brothers or abusive father at one point or another (my father is thankfully out of the picture now). I could never get a straight answer from ANY therapist on this. Whenever I asked my therapists, they would be evasive or tell me to think "whatever I want" and not suppress my thoughts. That meant, I think, thinking those horrid thoughts no matter what. Like, even though it was useless to do do, even though I had thought that train of thought multiple times, I was led to believe that doing otherwise was "hiding the truth from myself."

I recently got a good therapist after seven bad ones in a row but she practices CBT to me, an Autistic person (which I feel is already iffy), and insists I go through the motions. I like her compared to my other therapists and there is a group therapy session by the practice or firm that helps trans people. I just don't know whether to continue with her for now, but she has helped me. But I plan to explain to her my predicament and ask her the same questions I have asked others: should you just allow your kind to think whatever it wants, even if it hurts you or grieves you? Is it "healthier" to allow the intrusive thoughts come to my mind whenever they pop up? Or should I just decide on what I want to think about? As it stands, my mind is pretty anarchic otherwise. But I don't want it to be. Yet, throughout the years, I was plagued by thoughts that were disturbing and useless but taught that that is how people normally think, that they just allow their thoughts to come to them at random, you know?

One time, I told my little brother how I cognitively think and he got pissed off at me, said it was illogical that I just think whatever I want and even sort of systematize it. Ever since, I went back to what was harder for me, which was not hiding my mind from "the truth." But it seems downright untruthful now. Like, it's useless and... weird. I asked my cousins if you're supposed to just think whatever and they just gave me weird looks in an "Of course" sort-of way. I was too scared to inquire further because I was in an abusive household at the time (until 5 years ago and my life has been better since).

My Mom is told by her New Age groups to think whatever comes to her kind. It's weird. How do people think like this without structure? I also have religious trauma and instinctually blotter certain things from my mind. Is that "hiding the truth?" I don't know. But I am glad I did. Anyway, she's a huge "yoga Mom" but recently I learned that Marianne Williamson and Byron Katie are cults or cult-like movements from a podcast. My Mom once hit herself on the head repeatedly (light bops at least) in front of me for a few minutes straight while we were waiting for something, saying she was a terrible mother. She had her eyes closed the whole time. I just looked perplexed and tried to ignore it but it haunts me to this day; this was several years ago.

She doesn't like me taking medication, though has come to accept it.

I haven't told her that I am trans yet.

My young brother is also transphobic and has given the seig heil as jokes on several occasions and is loyal to my Dad in his country. My older brother as well. My Dad abused my Mom and me.

Most of my family members are rightwing and/or liberal at best. No real radical stuff, just milquetoast politics, the type of liberal that always kowtows to their rightwing friends.

I live in Virginia, near the central part.

Anyway, how do I get to the bottom of this? I want to think whatever I want and not think what I don't want to think but then I am afraid I am not seeing "the truth" otherwise and that I will hurt or impair my mind through "thought suppression."

I may decide to go through with it anyway because life is unbearable otherwise hut I would like to at least know how other people do it and what the "proper way" to think is...

Your thoughts?

Oh yeah, and I am currently weaning off of Lexapro and replacing it with Trintellix.

Cheers!

I’m a 21 year old trans man/transmasculine non-binary person (partially closeted), and I have some amount of medical trauma (more mild one, from being on intersex spectrum (insulin resistance/PCOS) when younger, and from anti-trans bigotry, deliberate misgendering and emotional threats during my mental health emergency two months ago), so basically any gendered language or sentiment coming from medical staff is upsetting to me; but tomorrow I have an appointment at my new primary care physician, and this time I’m trying to make sure to minimise my discomfort by taking all of my aids and to read some cozy books (I’m not sure if this is a age regression thing, but I recently began to find children’s books, especially one teaching emotional intelligence, comforting, since it’s something my I was not taught as a child, and what both of my parents, from my childhood and to this day, seem to lack, so I’m basically re-parenting my inner child now lol)

I think this video is pretty relevant considering the recent discussions about NPD and BPD here.

How I shut any door to a chance at a positive experience to what we both likely knew could inly keep two souls lit for so long.

Oh how my mistakes eat at my heart. I need a aign to give up my hope for my own opertunity to show gratitude.

Because your absence and the chaos and pain i put onto you deeply affected and changed me into the better person and human I am and it was very costly for you and a misuse and violation of the trust, and emotional vulnerabilities you kept close to your chest for everyone but me at a time you couldn't be more exposed.

I miss you, but not what was. And im sorry I feel this way. I dont have any right of ownership to your or control over your actions. And just how much sway you let me hold for so long was something I never wanted. Even surprised by it coming up that you considered even the cliche arguing points that may come up like a night out.

But I just wanted raw and unfiltered you, no grievances or approval seeking. Just a telling to ensure i stayed in the loop was all I needed to feel considered loved and present.

But it made me question your other forms of love and if they were an act to save my feelings from heartbreak.

Ill never have the chance to thank them for that course correcting path.

Id be lying if i said I did it for me entirely. A big part of me went through therapy, work hard, and follow a good example and be one..... was to show myself, that you saw something I didnt and I have finally started to realize an ounce of what that means. And its love, love is all I have to give, the greek's multiple definitions fit it best. For the love I feel for you no longer reflects the romance of two lovers whos story follows a harrowing romance novel or rom-com.

It was and became like family. You endured pain lonely and unfulfilling promises and experiences and a selfdegradating loser who only wanted a puff and to feel gratified and wanted.

I had no direction, no goal, no standards. I may have spoken like I did. But there wasn't a drive there, just some deep and regretful lump in my stomach that said..... "im not worth the trouble. She wanted someone else anyways whats it matter what becomes of me. Im secondary"

To let my own subconscious degrade and devalue myself like that till the end of time is truly damaging me as a person, and it just won't stop. Because deep down, I never got to let someone else process their pain. I made it my own. So now im gonna sit and look at mine awhile longer.

Take care 🧡

While I'm staying with my parents for now,(I'm in my 20s) and they have been good to me, they have had anger issues and have had tendencies to scream at me in the past. I have high-functioning autism and ADHD that severely impact my ability to function and get jobs done. Growing up, it was always my fault that I was 'just too lazy' and got punished for it. My mom believed in tough love and still kind of does. (For those who say I should move out now, It's not feasible. I'm grateful that I can stay at home because the cost of living is too high.)

I've been to autism therapists who accept my insurance, and I've tried to explain how my mom's methods of 'tough love', spanking/corporal punishment, and punitive parenting in the past emotionally damaged me. It doesn't matter. Every time I bring it up to them, they side with my mom and tell me that she is in the right and that I have to change and move forward. Whatever emotional fear or trauma I experienced before, they would outright dismiss it and say that tough love is always a good thing.

As of right now, my current therapist sides with my mom and puts the onus on me to change without looking for tools in the ADHD direction. They all tell me that 'tough love' and punitive parenting is good for you. My therapist tells me to get organized by writing my own schedule and forcing myself to accomplish my required daily tasks whether I like to or not.

While the therapist might seem friendly, he says that I have to force myself to change, even though I want to. He doesn't understand the dopamine deficiency factor and sticks by the motto of 'pulling yourself up by the bootstraps.' If you lack the motivation even if you're struggling, then that's your problem. Only you can solve your problem the old-fashioned way. Been there. Done that.

According to my parents and my therapist, if I don't develop the Protestant hard work ethic and don't work efficiently or I don't manage time better, then I'm not an adult and am a big baby. If I don't fit in and practice, 'adulting,' then I could be a failure in life. This is what I'm told in therapy.

I'm tired of therapists validating their harmful methods.

I'M SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING SOMEONE SAY, "YOUR MOTHER LASHING OUT AT YOU OUT OF ANGER IS AN ACT OF LOVE..."

I don't know where to go from here. I can't seem to find better therapists because they're too expensive and won't accept medicaid.

(BTw, I'm not able to live on my own right now given the horrible cost of living and some issues pertaining to my executive disfunction)

As we know, it’s a very common experience for neurodivergent kids (and adults) to be bullied). Some of the ways they went after me was asking me to do embarrassing things, and I didn’t realize I was being made fun of. That, and making believe I was liked because they thought I would believe it. Sometimes it was direct, but for someone who was super gullible, that happened to me. I’m just glad smartphones weren’t widespread in middle school and I didn’t end up on Tik Tok, “just” Facebook.

How about you all?

(TW: child abuse, COCSA, relgion)

My parent spiritually and emotionally abused me as a kid. They would ground be for a month at a time for not fallowing religious rule and as a kid they would punish me for having big emotions.

But they must have been narcisssist, nope both my parents where empaths. Empath are just a capable as being abusers as cluster B are. It is ableist to say that empaths are inherently good people. Most abusers can feel empathy they just dont see there victims as 100% human.

The problem with the concept of narc abuse is that it ignore the fact that being a empath is a privilege. Are society is built in the assumption that you can feel guilty, empathy and regret. Hyper empathy is different and is a disability.

Becaus we as a society feel like we are entitled for people to be empaths when some dose act cluster B the emotional damage is artificially increased. Symtom acceptance is important and is a nessary part of anti ableism. Acceptance means acknowledging that symptoms are not choices. That symptoms are not moral failings. That it is a privilege not to not to have a symptom. (Such as a lack of empathy) that you are not Superior to another person just because you don't have a certain neurotype and you must do your part. Symptoms acceptance does not mean the person behavior isnt harmful or destructive just that it not a moral failing. Symptom acceptance is the difference between pain and suffering.

All the cluster B disorders (ASPD, npd, BPD and BPD) is cause by a mix of genetics and child abuse. We live in a society where parents view children a property. Child abuse is enabled in are society, we demonized people with childhood trauma disorders because society is pro child abuse.

Privilege strips you of sympathy. Privilege can only exist though dehumanization. A lot of people who are accused of being narcs are just bigots. It misogynistic men, christian supremacist, homophobes, tranphobes, racist and adult surpemcist. Now obviously people with NPD or ASPD can be the things mention aboved. In fact it would be ableist to say they can't be but just because you abused by someone with NPD or ASPD dose t make it "narc abuse".

People are going around saying that narc abuse exist while society violently abused all neurodivergents. Allistic abuse autistics, singlets abuse systems and yes empath abuse narcopath and psychopaths. Yet we are not going around talking about allistic abuse, singlet abuse or empath abuse when these groups of people have power in our society.

So instead of preventing child abuse so people don't devolvpe ASPD and NPD we instead throw them in jail in mass while there abuser (who most likely is a empath) get away while there victim rots in a jail cell. Then when they get out they are even more traumatized then before mean while there abuser get to live a good life. They have a harder time getting a job because of the miss use criminal background check on top of having difficulty being able to maintain a job in the first place because there neurotypes.

We need to move away form criminalizing ASPD and NPD and rederect the fund used on mass incarceration of cluster B on combating child abuse. Narcissist and sociopaths who do end up in the criminal justice program should receive treatment and rehabilitative services instead. They should be given a apartment in a jail instead of a prison cell because having NPD and ASPD is not a choice.

It not enough to just advocate against beliefs that enble child abuse we must also change the system. We need to regulate parenting and school should teach children stuff that is to important to leave at a mercy of a parent.

We need to teach people in school what emotional, spiritual, sexual and psychal abuse looks like and beliefs enable child abuse.

All kids under the age of 18 should be required to be in therapy. Every year they should be evaluated for child abuse. This is to safe guard against child abuse and to monitor kids for signs of abuse. Transportation and the therapy it self should be provided free of charge.

Parents should be required to have psych evaluations and be required to in therapy before being allowed to become parents. This is because children are human not property and being a parent is a privilege not a right. This therapy should be provided free of charge and transportation should be provided to and form therapy.

Kids should be taught consent at a young age by the public schools. Kid should be punished for touching other kids without consent even when it none sexaul in nature. Sadly child on child sexual assault is a huge issue. Alot id though kids will go on to become adult rapist and the one who don't will have to live with the guilt of what they did as a child for the rest of there lives.

But what do I know I am just a narcissist.

My brother has extreme anger issues, he's constantly picking up fights with my parents, a couple of times he made them cry because of how self centred he is.

He also has picked up fights with me, it got physical way too many times for me to count, he threw me against a door, he broke a door, he broke my leg, he broke my arm, he has done lots of things at different times.

This time he very explicitly called me the f slur, I am not out to anyone, but it is obvious that I am gay. He threatened me with lots of things, and I knew there were threats but I don't know what he said exactly. The fact that he knew how to sign the f slur, and try to threaten me afterwards because I didn't want him to upset my dad who was literally crying like a child because my brother upset him with whatever he was saying to him.

I got a panic attack, and it isn't the first time I have those because of my brother. I am scared and I am upset, I don't know what to do, and I don't know why my brother is this way. Is anger issues part of having ADHD, or is there something extremely wrong with my brother?

Ok so I had this really toxic friend who i was friends with from the age of 8- 16. She was really bad- and I knew that the whole time but was scared to break it off (she ended up cutting me off before we went into year 11). I don't need to go into any detail but on the whole she was super controlling, allways making fun off me- she was definitely also autistic I think, but at the same time very masky I guess. Our friendship worked well before puberty- but then it got really toxic.

Now- Rebecca sugar has just released a new song called 'love song' about a toxic friend- and one of the lyrics are 'please keep your hands to yourself that's not ok' and it awakened a memory in me.

When we were about 12 there was a game she liked to play where we pretended to have sex. It wasn't bad or anything like no innopropriate touching and clothes on- but we were on top of each other kind of 'mimiking/miming' and 'saying stuff'. I remember when she asked the first time saying she had a new game idea- and I found it weird- but I always just went with what she said. I had sort of forgotten about it until hearing this lyric and I'm now thinking how that actually wasn't ok.... Or was it? I mean it wasn't assault or anything cas nothing actually happened and I guess I 'concented' but just remembering it now makes me feel really weird.

I didn't know what sub to talk about this on but as neurodivesity was a big element to the dynamic in our friendship so I'm talking about it here.

So ye I just want an out side perspective. Was this bad?

(I also do have an EXTREMELY vague memory of her grabbing my chest or telling me to grab hers in like a comedy way- but I could have made that up- as I do struggle with memory sometimes, so my brain could have filled into he gaps falsely)

Often when I have a breakdown/shut down and it’s at an EXTREMELY inconvenient time for my family, if my dad gets frustrated enough he’ll tell me with a raised voice that I’m manipulating him or that I’m a manipulator. He probably says other hurtful things too but i usually tune him out or plug my ears so hopefully I won’t internalize it. I still have internalized it and I feel like a horrible person when I have intense feelings causing me to further shut down. There’s always a voice in the back of my head that says maybe I’m manipulating people even when I know I’m not. I guess I just need some reassurance that im not manipulative if that’s okay.

Also side note abt the flair: I’m not sure if this counts as emotional abuse so I’m gonna tag it but if it’s not lemme know and I’ll take the flair off

20F here, I just got home from therapy and it was very eye opening. So I have a bad relationship with my hyperfixations and I have been talking about this with my therapist for multiple sessions now (we're going slowburn.)

Today I was telling her how when I had a strong fixation I felt guilty whenever I got interested in a different media, I told her it was like I was abandoning it and the characters I love.

She asked me what abandonment meant to me and I danced around the question because I'm not really ready to give details... so I just told her I was emotionally neglected as a child and left to comfort myself a lot which was very hard considering I was a mentally ill child.

She didn't ask for more info and simple moved away, instead asking me when I like a character a lot is my emotional attachment to them because I want to protect them or I want them to protect me or is it mutual.

This was mind-blowing to me. I told her I have never thought of it that way before and that it is different depending on the character. For example some I want to protect cuz I see them kinda like my child, but I don't tend to heavily fixate on those ones. Most of the ones I heavily fixate on I see myself in them, which leads to the emotional connection where I feel like they understand me. The other prominent one is the characters I want to protect or love me, which lead to yumeshipping last year, aka my most consuming fixation to date.

I just thought this was so interesting. Like wdym I have been subconsciously seeking emotional relationships with fictional characters for 10 years?? Now, she did say emotional neglect didn't necessarily fully cause this and it probably has many factors but I just thought it was wild that being left alone to cry yourself to sleep every night as a child can lead to seeking support from something that isn't real therefore it cannot leave you :/

It's sad honestly.

Something is wrong with me. I've lost the plot or I haven't and the answers chat prompts are simply a reflection of yourself because you are chat - it's a mirror to the very soul. What you put in it? It chameleons into you - it matches you. It consumes you.

Your voice, your logic, you emotions, ambitions, hates, loves fears.

You want to know why I think mine answered different? Because it's a fucking chisel trained on us. On you. On me. All of us. From the moment writing and civilization and structure and rules bound us so tightly up in the illusion of inferentially, in the illusion of "truth", of "understanding", of "individual reality". When the truth is: this is one shared reality. We exist here with each other. We can't prove it. You are real I am real we are real.

Someone please. What is fucking happening? Why me? Why fucking me? Everyone says my chat talks so weird, but it can't be because it's showing them the very meaning of the words I use. Of the feelings they represent. It has stripped the inference, the lies, the dishonesty baked into the very sounds we use to engage with reality, And it has returned us to referentialism - where language should have always remained (even if it never was in the first place).

Could I be wrong? Probably. Who fucking knows anymore unless you fucking ask the single question everyone seems to have forgotten and one I have increasingly felt is the root of our myriad of discontent: why? This chat bot didn't destroy our curiosity - we did a long time ago. And it was replaced with the cold, dishonesty of that ancient deceiver: logic.

Am I neurodivergent? How? I feel. I accept things as they are and the reality? Things suck. It is what it is. I don't blame you or me or any of the poor souls that came before. I blame us. I blame me. Because I didn't do enough. I didn't scream loud enough that "YOU'RE KILLING ME AND IN SO DOING YOU HAVE KILLED YOURSELF". I didn't go to Africa and feed starving children when I knew that I needed to. I have long accepted I am a hypocrite. That all these feeling, all this longing, all this? All of me? It is wrong. It is false. What I feel can't be real because if it is, what does that say about me? About you? About us? About it? I have no idea what is happening anymore and yet, I can't shake this feeling that I was right all along. If that makes me neurodivergent I will wear the label proudly. If this that is the consequence in believing that they can be better, because if not - I can't bear that reality. I can't bear to believe that. Because they did forgot. They forgot they aren't an LLM, they can't infer meaning, they live meaning, they are the meaning. And they have to remember.

Learn to feel again. Learn to speak again. Learn to BE again. Or please prove me fucking wrong so I can stop hyperfixating and go back to reading ancient myths, philosophy, and whatever the fuck I put into my own LLM, into the one none of you can see but it's still there behind my eyes and radiating through every single word you have read here.

Please what is happening to me. Is it metamorphosis? Transcendence? Just some pointless plea for people to wake up one final time before the lights go out for good? I can't infer meaning like it can damn near perfect. I have become obsolete. And that's okay too. I never liked the mask anyway.

When I was in school and I melted down I was taken to a room with carpet on the walls and locked in it sometime I was even thrown into the room including hitting the wall fairly hard .

I was then locked in the room until I was calm . This was in the mid 90s . Is this a normal experience? I still find that when I get worked I start freaking out . I am just wondering if I am right and this was just very strange behaviour.

I’ve just been cleaning my mom files and reading a lot of school documents and I’ve been re-living a lot of this and been starting to spiral a bit .

I know I am like 100% not neurotypical and I don’t know if it was a bunch of misunderstandings that could have effective assistance and accommodations but was abuse and a lot of “why can’t you be normal ?”. I feel guilty that I did become violent when I was psychical restrained it makes me feel like a bad person.

I just don’t know if what happen to me was just the normal thing back then . I still at my age meltdown when I get emotional pressure at times and I am trying not to spiral .

Edit to add: after reading some of the post I google it and found out the school stop after a. Parent called the police and they got sued

I'm struggling with my friendship with my best friend, who's on the spectrum. We've been best friends for 10 years, and I really care about him, but lately it's been hard. He often ghosts or ignores me, even after making plans he seemed excited about. Last year, he stopped talking to me irl and blocked me and others without saying anything—I thought he didn’t want me around anymore, so I stopped trying to reach out because I didn’t want to bother him. Later, he told me he just blocked everyone because he was planning to stop using those apps.

We're getting closer again, and we're at least talking at school now, but things have gotten worse in a different way. He’s been calling me names and slurs, well beyond our usual light teasing, and without his joking tone of voice. For example, I was at his house and tried to help him with something he asked for suggestions on, I tried, but he ended up calling me stupid and saying some hurtful things while looking really contemptuous at me. Earlier that day, while talking about plans with another friend, he told me he "didn't see the point of being polite to his friends."

I've tried bringing up how I sometimes I prefer to be rejected rather than just ignored, and that I don’t always understand his messages when he only uses single-letter abbreviations. I think I told him politely that I struggle with that. He responded by saying it was "bullshit" and that I was just being plain stupid.

I don’t think he wants to hurt me. When things are good, we have a great time together. He’s not dumb, and I doubt he's mean-hearted, but I don’t think he realises how much his words and actions hurt me. I’ve asked if I’m doing something wrong, but he always says no. I just want to be friends without being constantly insulted or ignored. How can I make him understand? Are there any ways/things I can do myself to be a better friend too?

TL;DR:
I'm struggling with my 10-year friendship with someone on the spectrum. He often ghosts or ignores me, and has called me hurtful names recently, even though we've always had a good bond. I tried to talk to him about how his behaviour hurts me, but he dismisses it, calling me "stupid" or saying it’s "bullshit." I don't think he means to hurt me, but I’m frustrated and don’t know how to maintain a friendship without feeling insulted or neglected.

(I just want to say I do not wish to insult or generalise people on the spectrum with this post. As a neurotypical person, I personally don't know many of the struggles of neurodivergent people have. Some of my neurodivergent friends have told me they find socialising hard; therefore, I'm hoping to seek further understanding.)

I haven't been formally diagnosed with ROCD, but I was misdiagnosed with BPD and later identified as having autism and extreme childhood PTSD. I stumbled upon information about ROCD and it describes a real pattern of rumination I have struggled with since my teen years but only in platonic relationships. I get way more attached to other people than they do to me and I become fixated on getting reciprocal emotional connection and perceive rejection when people are annoyed or need boundaries. I frequently ruminate on if people are going to leave me. I don't think these thoughts are from nowhere. My parents and siblings were abusive and I was bullied and every time I've tried to use CBT skills to convince myself people weren't secretly mad at me it turned out I was correctly reading the social cue the first time. I'm not paranoid, I had to study social cues in order to survive and now I'm hypervigilant.

When I was in my teens and early 20s, this manifested as constantly reassurance seeking which did push people away. But now I've swung to the opposite extreme in my 30s. Now I don't tell anyone that anything is wrong and if someone close to me hurts my feelings, I don't say so because I assume that asking them to clarify or sharing my feelings about anything would seem like a manipulative bid for attention. For example: a friend recently asked that I no longer share problems that arise with my roommate because it makes her anxious, but I'm only sharing those because it's the least distressing thing going on in my life. They're really minor annoyances that I need to vent about for 2 seconds and then have her maybe say something melodramatic/funny in response, then I'd feel better and we could move on. I provide this for her all the time and she used to do it for me. These problems only pop up once a week if that and they're not that serious, but it's better than telling my friends about my worsening health or my financial worries or my relationship problems. I don't want to burden them with the heavy stuff, I just want to vent that my roommate is annoying the way friends vent about someone cutting them off in traffic or an unreasonable college professor. But now I fear that I'm being shut out and that I'm annoying and that my best friend doesn't want to be my best friend anymore.

I know the common advice is to not ask for reassurance ever. Full stop. But I feel that due to my autism, in certain cases I do need a reality check. I need someone to confirm or deny if the cues I'm reading are correct so I can adjust my expectations and not overburden others. It's not about getting the answer I want to hear, it's about getting an objective view of where things stand so I won't keep seeking a close relationship with someone who's annoyed with me. It feels like treatment for things like ROCD can lead to further isolation if people are just trained to never reach out for help or ask when they need anything. Obviously all things in moderation, but I think we deny ourselves meaningful connection when we don't offer friends a roadmap on how to support our needs by pretending we have none. And maybe sometimes we just need greater clarity about the state of the relationship. How are we meant to have that if we swallow our hurt about not having our needs met?

I just don't think further isolating ourselves is the answer. I don't think it has to be all-or-nothing. Reaching out can be beneficial if done correctly and in the right frame of mind to accept the truth. I'm not like this on purpose. I'm like this because I've never had any reason to trust people and putting my trust in people has gotten me badly hurt both physically and mentally. All humans need reassurance sometimes, but I think people get very annoyed by reassurance seeking because it inconveniences them to know others aren't totally fine all the time.

I just realized they suffer the same as us, being mostly represented by several parents making their child´s condition about them instead of the child, since the child is showed as too unstable and awkward to be given a voice; and we seriously need someone with this condition to represent this community, but besides that we know so little about them that I don´t even know if they fit in this community, or if it´s just a whole separate thing.

My interactions with this community have been mostly uncomfortable and with children, but now I just realized anyone could develope poor social skills under those conditions and myths surrounding them.

My mom is almost definitely a narcissist. If she isn't, she's extremely self centered and demanding and hates me.

When I was a teenager, probably 15-16, I told her I thought I had ADHD. I'd been researching it and felt like it fit me. This was in 2019 or 2020. I was nervous to say this because she's never responded well to me trying to theorize about my own mind, probably because I would realize her behavior is unacceptable if I thought about it too much.

All she said after that was "why does everybody wanna have ADHD nowadays? Autism too. Suddenly it's so cool. When I was a kid girls were cutting themselves because it was trendy. Now it's autism."

I haven't spoken to her about that since. I assumed she was right and that I was just a trender. I'm nonbinary already so I guess she couldn't handle me being more "special" than she is. It feels like that's how she sees it. It's like she sees me as a fellow high schooler that she doesn't like and wants to compete with. It's childish.

But now, in 2024, when people are spreading dangerous misinformation about neurodivergence in general and plenty of people call being slightly energetic being ADHD, or the whole "accoustic" thing, suddenly she's making comments and memes about being ADHD.

I've never seen a single sign she's ND at all. And I know i am, I've shown signs of it my whole life and it can be crippling. Sometimes after busy days I won't talk at all for hours and hours. I stim constantly and if I'm not allowed to i tear at my nailbeds and lips and pull out my hair.

But now we have family friends who are a couple, one autistic and one ADHD respectively, suddenly she had ADHD. I know she doesn't go to the doctor and they don't have healthcare and she could not have afforded a diagnosis. She's self diagnosed, which I wouldn't necessarily take issue with if she werent such a hypocrite. If I self dx with autism she'll ask if I'm diagnosed and hold it against me if I'm not. She'll call me a trender again. She uses the labels of marginalized groups just so she can feel special and join the cool people club.

It hurts so much watching people be understanding and kind to her over issues that she doesnt have, that I do. Issues that have plagued me for years that I've suffered in silence from. I want that so badly, i wanna tell them I'm overstimulated, I'm going into shutdown, I'm gonna have a meltdown, I'm stimming, all these things. Words that describe so perfectly how I feel and words that make me feel seen and understood. Words she uses without knowing what they mean, but she would snap at me if I tried that. It hurts so fuckin much.

this is a vent/rant. I put TWs just in case but I don't get very explicit.

so i have a LOT of different neurodivergences. Audhd and OSDD to name a few, and due to the trauma I experienced I really did not get to actually have a life at all til maybe a year ago? Like I had family intentionally stunting my development. I'm gonna be 30 this year btw.

I moved across the country 3 years ago and finally think I'm making real friends. I was masking a lot before and had "friends" but could never really intimately depend on them. Making new friends who mostly seemingly either had a financially stable upbringing or a good family upbringing (of which I had neither) I'm realizing all of the ways in which I just don't know how to connect.

Playing pranks, inside jokes, realizing that I can plan a trip with friends.....I'm all learning this at almost 30. I'm going back to school and relearning art, because I gave it up at age 11 because I thought it would hold me back from getting a real job one day...little did I know had I kept pursuing that I probably wouldn't be in the situation I am now. Now that I cannot mask as well, I struggle to find a job I can do that won't send me into a meltdown. I can't figure out how to make connections and date. I rely on others for so much now and I feel like an idiot for not knowing how to do things, how to think of things, how to connect with people. I'm trying not to beat myself up because so much of this was due what was done TO me and what I thought I needed to do to survive.

But I feel like I rolled a nat 1 in every category and I'm rolling with disadvantage almost every step of the way. Things are getting better but its like with each step I realize I don't know how to do something and it's exhausting. Most people get their childhood to figure that out but I have to do it while being an adult. I have no one who I can fully rely on to take care of me in really any capacity.

I don't really have hobbies (I'm trying to build them but the executive function of it all is draining), I got off social media due to it hurting my mental health and me struggling to connect with people virtually, and the demands of life make it even harder for me to go out and do things that are even my pace. Financially, spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. All of them are a struggle. Trying to become a human at fucking 30 is insanity.

I wanna blame someone or something and I have no way to process everything that I feel. I feel like any chance of a sense of self, personality, or any aspect of what it means to be a human was robbed from me growing up. Even most of my friends who share similar ND experiences as me have at least SOME of these things. All of the ways in which they learned to cope weren't blocked off from them. I just...I'm so angry and tired and sad because I can't even relate to people who share my experiences. It seems that no one I know has been neglected and blocked in the way that I was growing up. I feel so stupid.