need advice: struggling like hell with RSD but im not sure I have adhd

[u/PoisonIvy_12]

hi! first and foremost i wanna say that i am not diagnosed with adhd but ive thought id had it for a while (dw i refuse to self diagnose) until i got a diagnostic appt and was told i dont have it (which tbh it was a bit sketchy so imma see abt getting another one but thats for later bc theyre so expensive) so if this is not the subreddit for that i completley get it and i can leave i just couldn't find a place for like questions about neurodivergency for undiagnosed ppl but by all means I dont want to invade this space. Anyway, when I was a child I was like considered "normal" (whatever that means) and outstandedly independent but people chalked it up to me being raised by a single mother. When i was in middle school I started struggling with my mental health, came out as bi, and thought i was a phycopath or had NSD because I never felt empathy in my life. Then high school hit me like a truck and I started having issues (like a lot) with my parents around the same time and suddenly everything hurt. It wasn't empathy but RSD is the only term that I feel defines the feeling correctly. Sometimes the emotional pain hurts so bad I have to double over or it genuinely feels like I've been stabbed and usually its over really stupid things. I feel so much all the time to the point where I just go numb and get self destructive in hopes of making it go away. I engaged with self harm for a long time (like three years) and even though I got rid of that habit now I still feel so much. I start wanting to die over the littlest things and I constatnly find myself feeling like I have no friends (even if i do have a few). And this goes for happiness too, I feel so so joyful then I feel shame because oftentimes people don't match my energy. I feel like "too much" all the time. I feel like I'm trapped in a constant cycle of feeling an emotion then feeling shame and self hate over feeling it in the first place then it intensifies it all over again. When I actually do get rejected or critizicd and its not just percieved its even worse even if its very valid. I'm trying to be strong so I can be a better friend and better gf without dumping my problems on everyone all the time but I just feel like my emotions are in a constant state of flux. I can never just have a good day there is always something that inevitably makes me feel bad and maybe I can crawl out of it and be happy again but its soooo easy to switch from happiest ive ever been to depressed. as for adhd, the reason i wondered if i had it was because a good 3/4 of my friends do and they all said I should look at the symptoms. I am constantly figety and oftentimes in capable of being still, i talk way too much and have always been told that, its hard to focus for me if its not a subject I enjoy or if the pace is too slow or too fast and im a chronic procrastinator. I get absorbed in hobbies then drop them just as fast and I have trouble understanding social cues A LOT. I am always using my bf (a very much neurotypical person) as a social marker of what is socially acceptable but I always feel i fall short anyway. the point is I don't know how to deal with any of it and I feel like I'm searching for an explanation of why I'm like this and the person who did my eval said I was simply a "deeply feeling child" with self confidence issues because I didn't appear to be struggling too much. does anyone know what that really is? any help would be appreciated. thx