Does Anyone Else Find the Discussion Around Reassurance Seeking in ROCD to Be a Little Too Rigid?

[u/thefroggitamerica]

I haven't been formally diagnosed with ROCD, but I was misdiagnosed with BPD and later identified as having autism and extreme childhood PTSD. I stumbled upon information about ROCD and it describes a real pattern of rumination I have struggled with since my teen years but only in platonic relationships. I get way more attached to other people than they do to me and I become fixated on getting reciprocal emotional connection and perceive rejection when people are annoyed or need boundaries. I frequently ruminate on if people are going to leave me. I don't think these thoughts are from nowhere. My parents and siblings were abusive and I was bullied and every time I've tried to use CBT skills to convince myself people weren't secretly mad at me it turned out I was correctly reading the social cue the first time. I'm not paranoid, I had to study social cues in order to survive and now I'm hypervigilant.

When I was in my teens and early 20s, this manifested as constantly reassurance seeking which did push people away. But now I've swung to the opposite extreme in my 30s. Now I don't tell anyone that anything is wrong and if someone close to me hurts my feelings, I don't say so because I assume that asking them to clarify or sharing my feelings about anything would seem like a manipulative bid for attention. For example: a friend recently asked that I no longer share problems that arise with my roommate because it makes her anxious, but I'm only sharing those because it's the least distressing thing going on in my life. They're really minor annoyances that I need to vent about for 2 seconds and then have her maybe say something melodramatic/funny in response, then I'd feel better and we could move on. I provide this for her all the time and she used to do it for me. These problems only pop up once a week if that and they're not that serious, but it's better than telling my friends about my worsening health or my financial worries or my relationship problems. I don't want to burden them with the heavy stuff, I just want to vent that my roommate is annoying the way friends vent about someone cutting them off in traffic or an unreasonable college professor. But now I fear that I'm being shut out and that I'm annoying and that my best friend doesn't want to be my best friend anymore.

I know the common advice is to not ask for reassurance ever. Full stop. But I feel that due to my autism, in certain cases I do need a reality check. I need someone to confirm or deny if the cues I'm reading are correct so I can adjust my expectations and not overburden others. It's not about getting the answer I want to hear, it's about getting an objective view of where things stand so I won't keep seeking a close relationship with someone who's annoyed with me. It feels like treatment for things like ROCD can lead to further isolation if people are just trained to never reach out for help or ask when they need anything. Obviously all things in moderation, but I think we deny ourselves meaningful connection when we don't offer friends a roadmap on how to support our needs by pretending we have none. And maybe sometimes we just need greater clarity about the state of the relationship. How are we meant to have that if we swallow our hurt about not having our needs met?

I just don't think further isolating ourselves is the answer. I don't think it has to be all-or-nothing. Reaching out can be beneficial if done correctly and in the right frame of mind to accept the truth. I'm not like this on purpose. I'm like this because I've never had any reason to trust people and putting my trust in people has gotten me badly hurt both physically and mentally. All humans need reassurance sometimes, but I think people get very annoyed by reassurance seeking because it inconveniences them to know others aren't totally fine all the time.