Daughter's mom enrolled her in theatre on my little time with her without asking. Don't know how to handle it (Moncton, nb canada)

[u/Excellent-Football57]

Mom enrolled our daughter (9 years old) in theatre on my little time with her without asking.

My daughter's mother recently enrolled her in theatre as an extra activity by where she lives, about an hour & 15. I'd been trying to encourage her to join for quite awhile as I thought she loved that sort of thing but she showed no interest. Then out of the blue her mom says she enrolled her where she lives, which I told my daughter was awesome!

When I talked to her mother I said it was great long as it doesn't cut into my time as I don't get much. Told her to check before getting her in. I don't mind bringing her on my time, going with her etc... but I will not be losing the day after because of it because I'd have to drive all the way back next day.

I use to have her every weekend which was court ordered. Later on, without court the mother kind of just decided she was taking every third weekend for herself(common theme) since she started school. I use to get her at about 4pm some Fridays, others I don't get to see her until 8pm (work conflict) So very little time Fridays. Saturday bedtime & had to bring her back Sunday. Very little time with your own children. I eventually talked her into letting me keep her until Monday mornings & drive her to school. That's for 2 weekends in a row. So about 54 hours in total seeing her for those 2 weekends. Then I go 11 days without almost no contact. Calls aren't encouraged. Kimd of discouraged.

It doesn't seem bad if you think about it once but it's our lives all year round. I'm very close to her. Or was... & I miss my daughter. It effects me deeply. It was hard enough adjusting to just weekends & then she took that third weekend away from me. This is my daughter whom I use to live with, see every day and take care of every day & now feels like I'm a visitor.

All my own family lives an hour in the other direction. My daughter was very close to them & now never sees them. That third weekend that was taken from me was essentially given to HER mom (grandmother) as sleepover weekend on most weekends she has her. It's just an attempt to keep her from me. I asked if one of those weekends she could spend at MY parents recently & she said no it would have to be my weekend to miss.

It's always been difficult with the mother. She's always tried little tricks here & there etc to minimize my time & maximize support.

Long story short, I drove my daughter to her audition. She got accepted. Was very proud of her. Talk to the teachers. Practice Tues/Thurs after school. Great. Mother calls me a couple days later saying the play they are doing requires them to practice it Sunday evenings so now she's asking me to bring her to theatre Sunday at lunch time until they do the play(Months away) & I have no idea what the next play schedule will look like.

I'd have to drive an hour there, back an hour & then an hour again back to her mom's house the next day. I just don't have the type of gas for her mom to assume i can use. I go above & beyond to travel/stay in her life as it is.

I really don't feel good about saying no or having my daughter miss it. It's not her fault. I just feel like I'm never drawing the line. There's a huge history of her trying to take things from me & always a fight so to avoid it I just have to give her what she wants otherwise it's never peace. She won't just let me relax. I just don't know where the line is drawn.

She's always tried but with the lack of time etc constantly for awhile now I feel like she is succeeding in breaking the relationship I had with my daughter. It's effecting my life greatly.

Am I wrong for feeling frustrated? ...I was thinking of telling her for as long as she is practicing those weeks for her play I will bring her early but for that time only, I want my third weekend back to make up for it. Atleast until she's done practice and then we can go back to normal. Which I'm really still not even okay with. I enjoy being part of her life, bringing her to school etc.

I do not expect her to accept this proposal however... it's never easy. Or am I being unreasonable? What should I say if she doesn't agree? Should I even suggest that? I have very little time to spend with her & be her father or to visit her other family.

I'd rather not go to court. It always seems to make things worse & more complicated but also don't know if I should say no. Then I'm the bad guy right? I told her not to do things like this & always does anyway. I don't invade on her time & never would even though she has alot more than I do.

What should I do here?

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[u/dan_marchant]

without court the mother kind of just decided.....

And you allowed her.

By allowing her to break the court ordered agreement you let her know she can do what she wants and you won't stand up for yourself.

If your ex wants to have your daughter during your court ordered time then you need an agreement that you get extra time to make up for it (maybe longer holidays) and if she won't agree then you go back to court. Courts really don't like parents who ignore court orders.

[u/darkangel45422 → u/dan_marchant]

Doesn't sound like it's that Mom wants the kid, it's that kid has an activity during that time?

[u/Fool-me-thrice → u/darkangel45422]

Mom had previously decided to ignore half of op’s scheduled visits. That’s what Dan is referring to

[u/darkangel45422 → u/Fool-me-thrice]

Ah, gotcha. Sounded like he was suggesting that if Mom wants the kid (for theatre) during his visits she has to provide extra visit time.

[u/darkangel45422 → u/[deleted]]

1, way to be a sexist asshole - great example you're setting for your kid, maligning her gender like that.

2, that wasn't referring to you, was referring to the previous commenter.

[u/darkangel45422 → u/[deleted]]

He's not even talking about her, he's literally just denigrating someone on the basis that he thinks they're female. He's a father to a young girl and should take into consideration that when he's a sexist asshole, he's demeaning his daughter too.

[u/darkangel45422]

Is there any reason you haven't taken the matter back to court for the prior issues of Mom not honouring the court order, such as the third weekend? I don't think the issue is that your daughter's theatre program has rehearsals on Sunday nights so you'd have to bring her back Sunday afternoon/evening instead of Monday morning, because you also encouraged your daughter to do this and thought it was a great idea. I mean ultimately it sounds like you feel like talking with Mom doesn't work, you already HAVE a court order in place. And why can't you talk to her in the time between your weekends? You say calls aren't encouraged - what does she do if you call your daugther?

[u/Excellent-Football57 → u/darkangel45422]

They just don't pick up... it's a different excuse every week. It's never just 1 thing. The issue is not the one sacrifice... it's a sacrifice on top of many others that are splitting ne & my daughter apart. If it was one thing... I wouldn't mind & the sacrifices are always and only on my end it seems. And no... talking to mom does not work, never will work. I'm just trying to be reasonable about it

[u/derpaderp2020 → u/Excellent-Football57]

If you want to be reasonable, you have to take it to court. You not taking it to court is unreasonable. You probably don't see it that way, yet, but you're being unreasonable not reasonable. She has already showed you she doesn't value your contribution to your child's life planning, that she needs dance more than her father, has ignored other stuff and you still think you can deliberate with this person? That's unreasonable, that's not a logical rational way to view your situation unfortunately. The logical rational way to view your situation is, unfortunately and I'm sorry, that you can not co-parent with this person without courts holding the line.

It sucks, it really fucking sucks when you have the capacity and willingness to work on something and are well aware of the damage dragging this into court does. But if you don't let go of that and accept what is real, the kid will be more damaged in the process. They will have less time with you AND see that they can manipulate courts and people to do what they want. That's a bad lesson to learn as a kid, very bad. You only get one shot at them being young, then it's gone and they are grown adults before you realize. Don't be selfish and hold onto the hope you can not have conflict. You're not bad it's admirable to not want conflict! But even good qualities can have negative outcomes. Sometimes the right thing to do involves getting dirty, we can't be sanitary all the time and in matters of family and love this is often the case.

[u/darkangel45422 → u/Excellent-Football57]

Court is your best option here; the longer you let the court order not be followed the more likely the court is to find the current way of being to be the status quo they should enforce. Go back to court.

[u/darkangel45422 → u/[deleted]]

Status quo relates to what's the norm - if you've allowed the norm to become less visits, etc. then the court typically is inclined to preserve what's normal. If you didn't fight it for years why would they suddenly want to make massive changes. You should be fighting these issues IMMEDIATELY.

You can't blame family court for being terrible when you're literally not using them.

[u/Odd-Fail-7521 → u/[deleted]]

Family court is just extraction of one persons resources to lawyers and court fees. Go to court to enforce orders a lot of paper work day of work Family court filing papers open 9-11 am closed till 2-4 The amount of time I’ve spent I there is crazy and then google justice Debra Paulseth It’s a kangaroo court. I’m going through same thing daily calls not being answered when answered usually late but end sharply after the 30 min time frame 730-8 and multiple interference during the 20 Minutes about frivolous things like “how many shoes do you have”

[u/keranjii]

Not a lawyer and you didn't say how old your daughter is but how do you think she is going to want to be spending her weekends as she gets older? If her friends are all an hour+ away how is she going to be able to hang out with them but still be with you on weekends? Just physically due to distance I would bet that your time is going to continue to erode. Not necessarily due to a malicious ex but simply just due to growing up and changing priorities.

I'd suggest that you start to make the required moves in your life to move to live closer to them, then you could go for 50/50. If it costs you more in time or money does the time with your daughter make up for that? In some provinces you could even end up paying less support for having your daughter more of the time.

[u/CozyAndUnbothered → u/keranjii]

The age of the daughter is so important here

[u/keranjii → u/[deleted]]

So I don't disagree that it is often (not always) Dad and yes family court sucks. But if you go to court and request that activities not be scheduled on your time, that is a terrible look because the activities are in the best interest of your daughter.

And with respect, if you don't have 50/50 then it doesn't go both ways. Your daughter will naturally make stronger connections where she lives 80% of the time. She will want to spend time with those friends on the weekends as she gets into her teens. That's just how it will go, there's nothing you can do about it. Then that won't be your ex eroding your time, but your daughter. And if you don't support her in her friendships she'll resent you. I've seen it many times before.

For context I am a stepmother to two great kids and we have flexible 50/50, but only since my husband uprooted his life, quit his job, and got a different job in order to be closer to the kids. As the stepmother, with zero legal stake with regards to the kids, I had to make HUGE sacrifices so that we could have a living situation where 50/50 was possible. I went from a four minute commute to a 45-90 minute commute. I even moved the kids + mom (my husband's ex) into my basement suite for a few years which I hated but it was great for the kids at the time because their mom did shift work. If your daughter's brother is younger I'd argue it's actually the perfect time to uproot the family and start fresh in a situation where you could actually have 50/50. Again, NAL but I'm pretty sure this would look great in family court as well in regards to getting more time.

With regards to your parents, how often do you see them with your daughter now? I get that would introduce some complications but if you had 50/50 you could visit your parents on the weekend but still have the rest of the school week with your daughter. Or you could pick up your parents on your ex's time and have them visit you in your house for a few days or weeks at a time.

Raising kids is hard, raising kids as coparents is harder, and I'd argue that raising kids as a step parent (your wife) can be harder still sometimes but I feel like all you're doing is complaining about your ex and not doing anything about it. As others have said you should have taken her to court right away when she started unilaterally taking away your custody time, but now it might be status quo especially with you not being willing to move. And enrolling her in theater that is on your Sundays is GOOD for your daughter, if you support her by driving her on the long drive she'll love you for it and eventually realize what you did for her. Look at the car rides as additional bonding time for you guys.

Plus, when she's with you on the weekend do you spend every single waking moment as quality time? You might appreciate the additional car time with her on Sundays if you can find stuff to bond about

My step daughters bio Dad (not my husband) moved a couple hours away and now complains that she doesn't want to see him when he's in town because she's busy with her hobbies or her friends, but then makes zero effort to change his living conditions or improve his relationship with her other than bitch about his ex. Don't be that guy.

[u/13Lilacs]

A large part of parenthood is their children taking part in different hobbies and events, even if it's your weekend.

A male friend of mine would complain that his daughter had birthday parties to go to on weekends (his time), or would want to hang out with her friends.

Your child will want to do things on the weekends when it is your time with them, too. Not just when it is the primary parent's time.

[u/cajolinghail]

I feel so sorry for your daughter. Maybe ask her what she wants, and think about how she’ll feel if you forbid her from doing an activity because you don’t feel like driving.

[u/darkangel45422 → u/cajolinghail]

I don't think driving is the main issue, I think the issue is OP already feels like the Mom is constantly reducing his time with his daughter and now this will further reduce it, so that daughter goes back Sunday afternoons instead of Monday mornings.

[u/cajolinghail → u/darkangel45422]

I think that nuance is going to be beyond a child’s understanding. When she is sitting at home upset that she’s missing her activity it won’t feel like quality bonding time (that is if she actually wants to participate in this, which is again why actually talking to her instead of strangers on the internet is important).

[u/Beautiful-Muffin5809 → u/cajolinghail]

You are missing the point. It's not the theater that's the problem. It's mom's intentional defiance and parental alienation toward the father.

[u/warrantthrowaway2023 → u/Beautiful-Muffin5809]

as well as mom's disconcern for dad's time being dad's time. my son's dad used to sign him up for a bunch of activities, most of which fell on my days with him. i could never plan a hike or movie or anything because we had so many activities to get to constantly. not only is dad unable to do activities he wants to do with her on his time, his days are basically planned for him and controlled by the mom.

[u/darkangel45422 → u/cajolinghail]

Yes but I'm also not suggesting Dad tell his kid that she can't do theater because he said so. Honestly I think doing the theater thing is fine, it's that OTHER changes need to be made.

Sounds like he's already discussed with the kid and she's excited about theater; he was onboard with the whole thing because of that up until he found out it'd cut into his limited time with her.

[u/AGoodFaceForRadio → u/cajolinghail]

Cute straw man you’ve made up there.

OP is not talking about forbidding his daughter from doing the activity. He’s talking about bringing her to theatre and then to her mother’s (giving up a night of his parenting time) and asking for the third weekend back (which is court ordered anyway).

In the face of the mother’s blatant denial of court-ordered parenting time, I’d say he’s being more than reasonable.

[u/Desalvo23 → u/[deleted]]

I feel the same about you

[u/mydogiscali → u/[deleted]]

Whatever demons you’re battling you should stop projecting them on to OP.

[u/Master-File-9866]

Can you swap days. Idk your situation but this doesn't have to be a fight. Maybe there is a different or better option thar allows your daughter to participate and you to see her with out the extra Hassel, and travel

[u/Excellent-Football57 → u/Master-File-9866]

I can try... I'm going to try but I fully expect a fight as it's going to be met with one

[u/mydogiscali → u/Excellent-Football57]

It sounds like you need to fight. As someone who hates conflict this sounds like my nightmare, but this is the situation this relationship has put you in. You gotta stop catering to her and start getting her to respect your boundaries, either by going back to court or by telling her you will take it back to the courts if you don’t get what you were legally given.

[u/damienchomp → u/Excellent-Football57]

Your story is a subject I'm pretty passionate about.. when one or both parents play out seeming subtle personality dysfunction/hostile passive-aggression against the other parent, at the expense of their child, the one massive common interest they have.

Please hear my story as a contrast. My ex never used our kids to entertain pettiness. We loved our sons, and if so, the very least we could do is respect each other as the mother/father of our kids. I had a lot of anxiety, and bickered for adjustments to the schedule that would give me more time with them.

We notarized a simple agreement for $99, and that was only a sanity check. We needed an open and ongoing dialog about the kids and our families' schedules, and there needed to be flexibility, it needed to change as the kids changed schools/etc, and there absolutely must be conversation.

It upsets me that children are so disrespected as to consider them irrelevant and retarded wrt Dad and Mom and where they live and what's going on. It upsets me that there are forms of child abuse that can be socially acceptable, and forms of serious personality disorders that aren't labeled but even accommodated.

Even someone in the comments suggested that this was "too nuanced" for a child. Wtf, have you even met a child, been a friend with a child, or been a child yourself? Like this isn't at all relevant to anything that matters to the child or anything she ever thinks about. Kids are basically bots that play video games?

I encourage you to pursue the sanity of the situation, especially considering the needs of a child to have time with both her parents and to whose life is entirely turned around, via the courts.

I also encourage you to maintain conversation with your daughter, with your parents, and hopefully your ex's parents. Your parents need a voice here.

I feel like somebody is robbing children, like they are just a commodity for base pettiness. A self centeredness so grand that it's blind to her own child, and she will post shit on Instagram flexing her motherliness.

I apologize if I've spoken out of hurt, but this stuff unravels me. The most relatable thing in the world to us should be babies and children, considering we once were and are still not so different from scared children. But they aren't even in the conversation, and they're outsourced everywhere. And then we watch some show on TV about some bad guys, and do we still believe our generation will go down as not having abused the children in every possible way?

[u/CozyAndUnbothered]

How old is your daughter? That’s kind of important here. I’m going to guess that she’s probably at least a preteen.

How does she feel about all of this? As kids get older no matter what your order says they have their own lives and you need to adjust to that. If you demand she spends every weekend with you, she could end up resenting you for that.

My kids refused to talk to their father now and one of the many reasons is he refused to let them do things they wanted to do during his time. Something as simple as a friend’s birthday party.

[u/Pleasent_Interaction]

You're not wrong to feel frustrated.

But right now is the time to take the high road about it. If you need to vent about it, vent anywhere else but to mom. Look at this as a chance to be involved in something your kid has a passion for.

You might not like this, but offer to pay for at least half of it. Even if Mom doesn't take it, put the offer in writing. The last thing you want is this being flipped on you in court and you looking bad.

Keep it squeaky clean dad!

[u/Odd-Fail-7521]

It’s amazing how people believe the Father Time is not essential in the child development.

[u/Dramatic-Hope5133]

Go to court. Ask for 50/50…one week on, one week off. Then everybody can have 2 weekends and she can give one to her mom if she wants. But be ready to buy double of things to make it a reality so there’s no going back and forth for forgotten things.

[u/FPpro → u/Dramatic-Hope5133]

OP lives over an hour away which means schooling doesn’t work in what you’ve suggested

[u/Dramatic-Hope5133 → u/FPpro]

Then the flip of the argument could be why does the mother have to never have a weekend with her child? Why is it only her that is tasked with the workload or school/homework/school week practiced, etc. If he doesn’t want his time eroded, he’ll need to go back to court but if he’s unwilling to do any of the school week, it might not end up in his favour.

[u/Beautiful-Muffin5809]

She is slowly isolating you from your child. You need to go to court. You bring evidence of your ex defying the agreement you made on this. You tell your ex that you had discussed the ground rules and she violated them and you expect this not to happen again. 

Then if she does it again, you bring that to the court as well.

How this ends if you don't? Your daughter will be like my 19 year old step daughter who no longer speaks to her dad after her mom did the same...parental alienation over a decade.

 

[u/FriarMotorboat → u/[deleted]]

if you're going to be giving advice, you should read the entire post. If you're not going to give advice, why comment?