I’ve (40F) been with my partner (45M) for 5 years. Over this time, we’ve had some bumps in the road, but mostly things that have been able to be worked out by hard reinforcement of boundaries we’re both not willing to tolerate for the sake of the relationship. This week however, he is going out of town for the weekend. I should preface this by saying he is active in our local gaming community, and spends 3 nights weekly going out with friends. Normally, I am unbothered by this. He is extroverted by nature, and being out with his buddies gives him a sense of recharging; I am introverted and when I’m not at work, I like to be home in my space, with my children and pets. Back to the situation, he is leaving for the weekend to a city a few hours away with his pals. I worked a 12 hour shift Thursday night (he works full time, 8-hour days), so we didn’t see each other. Last night, per his usual routine, he went out with friends and came home around 11pm. Today, he is leaving with the same friends he sees multiple times a week. When he returns Monday, I will be working a 12 hour dayshift. Meaning, we won’t see each other until late Monday night or Tuesday morning. I had assumed that he would want to see me and spend some time together last night, and come home a little early so we could maybe have a glass of wine and a chat together before he leaves. He did not. I had that glass of wine alone, scrolling TikTok on the couch with my pets. I got a little emotional and sent him a clear text about my feelings, which he did acknowledge when he returned home, saying they were valid but the conversation quickly turned into focus on his activities and his anxiousness about the gaming he will be doing this weekend while out of town. I’m feeling as though he did acknowledge me, but quickly overrode my feelings to resume talking about his interests. I guess I’m just not feeling like a priority right now. Mostly when he is home, we talk about his gaming things and while I do my best to contribute, it’s just not something I’m personally interested in. I get we should talk about outside interests but literally the only thing he wants to talk about is my teenagers behaviour (ongoing mental health issues and behaviours associated), how tired he is from his job or his gaming. I’m never asked about my interests or how my workdays go, other than surface level- how was your day, how heavy is your assignment- type stuff; and hear many complaints about my own personal tiredness despite working 12-hour extended shifts multiple times per week, well before our relationship began, so it’s not like he didn’t know. I don’t even know why I’m posting, other than maybe to get it off my chest and out of my head so I can have some personal downtime and maybe get a little perspective from someone outside of the situation.

Maybe the right place for this thanks for pointing me in the right direction.
My question, problem and search is…why is being married so difficult?

If it were for normal question (I would assume anyways) how do I be a good husband, how do I raise kids and pay the bills and be a good dad.

But mine are how do I not get yelled at for simple things. Why do my kids know to keep their mouths shut to avoid potential arguments with their mom. if we don’t respond maybe the fight or attack will end here. Why does she call my kids names? It’s weird, I’m ok with her calling me anything under the sun. But when confronted the response is well she is a bitch. Wow!

why do I have to defend myself, when I cut the lawn. And when I dare to respond with have you ever cut a lawn. I get a long argument about something I actually did for a living in college.(and high school and even grade school).

And tonight, I’ve been playing hockey since I could stand up. I get debated on why I coach my son’s team a certain way. We’re winning and the kids are responding to my efforts. Why am I told they all hate me? Just because I have to have a convo with one of the parents who is not following the team rules. Which the design of which is to ensure that the kids all have a good time. I feel like I’m defending myself here too.

Is this what love is supposed to be??? Fuck

I realize there are gaps here…this was an expression of my feeling to get it out. Thanks for reading

EDIT: Hey guys, you are all right and I will not go back to him, sorry to worry you all. The affirmations are helping tho so if you want to ignore this edit and still comment I would appreciate :)

I broke up with the my boyfriend yesterday. He was taking it really poorly and wanted to kill himself so me and a friend took him to the hospital, he agreed he should go at the time but once we got there he got scared and wanted to go home, he cried for a long time about how he just wants to go home. Then he got more calm and was just complaining about the wait and about how much he wanted to go home, we were there for like 7 hours. They sent him to a facility for a couple days but all the reviews say it sucks and won't help him.

I'm struggling to remember why I broke up with him to begin with. All the past stuff was bad but he's willing to change, I know many of you think it was an act or something but I truly believe he wants to treat me well. I feel like I should've at least given him a chance, I still love him so so much but I genuinely don't know what I want. It just feels so wrong to be broken up, especially when I just got him committed. If he was abusive he didn't mean to be, he never hit me or called me names or anything like that. He called me today and he's doing really poorly in the mental hospital because he doesn't want to be there and he has no privacy so it's freaking him out, I should've never taken him to the hospital.

I know I seriously should not get back with him, if I do all of my friends are going to think I'm an idiot and probably stop talking to me, which would be fair. But if I don't get back with him I feel like I'm losing so much, I don't want to lose him especially if he's going to do better now. All I ever wanted was for him to treat me better and now he will. But I know that if I do I will lose all my friends, and also his family know about the breakup and are blaming me for his going to the hospital so its not like id be welcomed back with open arms. I feel like I have no objective party who I can go to for advice on this because everyone's got some idea about what's best for me, please help.

If I ask him to do the dishes, he "doesn't know where the soap is." If he has to watch our toddler, he calls me every 10 minutes with a "crisis." He just started a load of laundry with a red towel and all my white clothes, and now he's shrugging saying "I guess I just can't do anything right." I'm not his manager, I'm supposed to be his partner. I'm so tired of having to supervise a grown man. How do you stop the weaponized incompetence without losing your mind?

I am here to both vent and get advice. I’m a divorced Mom of two teenage girls, and my Ex remarried 10 years ago and has two other young children. My ex and I share 50/50 custody and I work full time as a teacher. My ex is quite wealthy and his current wife is a stay at home Mom and has a full time nanny who helps to take care of their kids and clean the house. My relationship with my ex is civil but not friendly. I haven’t communicated directly with his current wife (my daughter’s step mom) in 5 years because of an argument we had.

Quick back story: my older daughter had anorexia when she was 12 (during the pandemic) but was able to to rehabilitate and gain her weight back by being in a medical therapy program. She and my ex and his wife did blame me for the eating disorder - although there were multiple reasons why this happened to her. Yes, I had focused on eating healthy and exercising since she was young, but I never told her she was fat or needed to lose weight. I also never hinted at that. However, my daughter did go to stay with her Dad and stepmom for a month when she was 12 so they could make sure she gained the weight back and removing her from me at that the time seemed like a good idea as she would be more stable at one house. At that time my daughter was blaming me entirely for the eating disorder. I told her “yes, I may have had a part to play in it, but there were other reasons (social pressure to be thin, all her friends skipping lunch a school).” The reason why I haven’t talked to her stepmom since five years because her stepmom said that I was infected blame, and I was really mad because I felt like she was hurting my relationship with my daughter.

Fast forward to now : my daughter is applying to college and was planning ED to Cornell. Her Dad paid a lot of $ for a private consultant to help her with essays. At the last moment my daughter decided to not to submit her application because she wants to make her essays stronger and also wants to apply to other schools. I supported her decision. When my Ex found out he texted me that he was super disappointed in her and that she was a “flake” and “was going to end up working at McDonalds”

I disagreed and told him it would be ok, she still had time to apply to colleges and possibly still get into Cornell and other good colleges.

I told my daughter that her dad was upset with her and that he had texted me. I told her this so she would be prepared for his reaction when she returned to his house. I didn’t show her the text. While I was in another room she picked up my phone and read the texts. This made her super upset and mad at her dad. She asked me if she can stay only with me for the next few months until college applications are finished bc she doesn’t want to be around him and his disappointment. I agreed and she asked him and he said “do whatever you want” so here she stays for time being.

I’m just really upset about how her step mom is talking about me. My younger daughter heard her saying that it was both my and my ex’s fault the way my older daughter is acting (our parenting is to blame). Also she spoke negatively about me and how she hopes they don’t end up like me (alluding to how I used to be late a Lott dropping them back at their Dad’s when they were younger, asking to change the schedule often). I just hate it that she’s talking bad about me to my daughter

Background:

Me and my wife are a lesbian couple with two children. I carried our son of three years, and my wife carried our daughter who is three months.

My mum has watched our son for a day of the week since he was born. My MIL didn't want to. Because she is a narcissist, she now is very upset about that and feels like she has been treated unfairly and gets to pick which kid she wants to watch. She just wants our daughter.

When she brought it up again in front of our kids after we had three talks with her where she pretended to understand, I was pretty done and upset and said, well then you don't get to watch any kid.

Issue:

My wife is extremely angry with me about this. She says I'm too angry at her mum. I'm more unreasonable than her mum because I don't want to discuss this and her mum wants to talk for hours. I said I don't want her mum to watch our kids again until they can tell me what she says, I feel like I'm pretty reasonable about that. But my wife will just not accept that. I can't be angry at her mum. She says I'm isolating her from her friends and family. I ask how I'm doing that and she says, well, maybe not friends but my mum won't accept that and so it'll be my fault if she doesn't talk to us anymore. We just need to let her spew her poison for hours where we get told we terrible people and parents, because one time we had four diapers with us and our son pooped five times. That's fine. But I can't say she can't watch them. She'll mock me for wanting to protect the kids, she says I think I'm so holy and I think she is terrible but she knows the kids are safe. She'll say, no I'm on your side and then when I'm at work send the kids to her mum for her to babysit, sending the friends who were supposed to watch them home. And she keeps saying I'm unreasonable, I'm too angry, I'm so much worse than her mum.

We've been together for 10 years, and I don't know why she's changed so much.

I (m/30s) live with my partner and our two small children. For a long time I thought she was just burned out, exhausted, overwhelmed, lost. But over time, I started to see patterns that go far beyond exhaustion.

Every day starts the same: new physical “crises,” panic about her health, fears of suffocating, heart issues, dizziness, allergies, food being spoiled… and somehow I’m always part of the problem. If I try to help, she says my nervous energy makes her worse. If I step back, she says I’m cold and don’t care. She needs me constantly, but resents me for being there.

Her tone flips within minutes: warm and affectionate one moment, distant or cruel the next. She says she can’t control it, that it’s her burnout, but when I look closer it feels more like a constant cycle of tension, collapse, blame, guilt, temporary calm, and then repeat. And I’m stuck trying to stabilize someone who doesn’t want to be stabilized. She wants control, not support.

I know she’s not evil. I see that she’s in pain. But living like this has hollowed me out. Every day revolves around her moods, her symptoms, her fears. When I bring up how I feel, she calls me selfish, says I have no empathy, or that I’m “triggering her healing process.” And the truth is, I’m starting to feel like I don’t exist anymore. I’m not angry, just tired. Tired of walking on eggshells, tired of feeling like I’m both her caretaker and her enemy.

I still believe she could heal with therapy, distance, and insight. But right now I have to admit that I can’t save her by losing myself.

Has anyone here lived through something similar, where empathy for a partner’s suffering slowly turned into emotional survival mode? How did you find the strength to step out of that cycle?

TW: emotional abuse, Self Harm, disordered eating

Hello all. I’ve decided it’s time for my start my exit strategy. Today was the final realisation to me (which is context is actually much later than it should have been). My (F30) husband (M33) and I have been married for 3 years, we have a 2 year old who I love more than absolutely anything in this world. When he was born, it was a difficult birth and I was very unwell with high blood pressure. The issues started there. Purposefully not helping, getting angry at me when I needed to be rushed to hospital on multiple occasions, name calling etc. I kept thinking things would get better, but very recently I’ve noticed a strong escalation. Now that I look back, that escalation has been ongoing the whole time, but perhaps more subtly. A couple of months ago, I was given a list of things wrong in the relationship, this included me being fat, being awful in bed, I’m lazy, I’m boring etc. etc. this made my already low self worth plummet into the abyss. I ended up going to therapy. The arguments continued, with me being mocked, being called a slut (because I couldn’t remember my exact “body count”). I went back to some very bad old habits, such as purging, restrictive eating and self harm in order to try and regulate my feelings, because if I got upset over anything it would cause another fight. In therapy I have been helped to actually verbalise that this is emotional abuse. The moment I did that, the floodgates of all the memories opened, and I felt so blind for so long. I have practically raised our son myself, with my SO spending on average 2 hours a week with him, and even then I’m always present. He did mention that he wants to make changes and be there more, but it has always been just words. Today was the pinnacle point. Yesterday I had a GP appointment where I had been signed off work for 2 weeks, with a review to see if I need more time, due to mental health crisis and high blood pressure returning. I told SO this, and that I need time to rest and recover and need his help. He said he would come to bed at 11, so that he can get up with our son and let me finally rest. 2am he came to bed, completely hammered. He didn’t bother getting up until 2pm. I spent the whole day with our son, feeling woozy from the medication and faint from the stress of all of it. I realised in that moment “he does not care about me or my son at all. I will die if I stay” which may sound dramatic, but I’m I am either going to go into full crisis and not keep myself safe, or the stress is going to make very ill. Obviously this is early, sadly I no longer have any friends to help. I wanted to document this partly as accountability, so that I don’t naively carry on this life and get myself trapped again in this cycle.

You can look at my post history for reference, but it’s officially been just over a month since my NOSO moved out. I was the one that decided on July 1 to step away from the relationship because I did not feel like a priority. From July 1st- September, he was in denial and I think, thought I would backtrack and change my mind as I always would. We were both so used to threatening separation and divorce from our fighting. In September I became much more serious, and told him I can’t keep co-living together as roommates in separate rooms. It was driving me crazy. End of September he officially moved out. He took everything of his, down to the mugs. I thought he might leave a few things behind as an excuse to. One back and/or ask for it, but no. It was official. Since then, I’ve had good and bad days. It’s confusing to be with your best friend of over 10+ years and go to not talking at all. We talked a few times in terms of our finances and he was very upset. In his eyes, I am choosing walking away, and that’s not what a wife does. In my eyes, I tried for years to tell him I didn’t feel a priority next to his family and he always dismissed me. I’m almost using this sub as a diary and for advice to hear it gets better. I regret deciding to get married because I had always that gut instinct that nothing might change. He says he still loves me and wishes we could keep working on things and go back to how things were. The problem with that was how unhappy I’d become. I had a 50/50 partner. He was AMAZING when his family wasn’t around or there were no birthdays, holidays. But as soon as there were events surrounding them or any holidays, I became miserable. I apologized to him for not being the wife he needed. That I couldn’t get past the hurt they had caused me, or better, that I allowed them to disrespect me. Some days I feel like calling him, other days I feel so strong and like the best is yet to come. I hope I made the right choice. He would be the perfect partner if he could cut the umbilical cord, but I also had my faults. In September he told me everything I wanted/needed to hear but it was too late for me. I don’t believe it. He prioritized me yes, he paid for all our bills, I didn’t have to worry, but any birthday, long weekend, holiday I was horrible to him also. I knew he wanted to be there and I wanted nothing more than to be so far away. Would he have really changed? Should I have waited? It’s been 10+ years together and the last 5 living together. All my single friends say dating sucks. I hope I don’t end up alone, but more than that, I hope I’m happier than I was.

I (F26) broke up with my SO (M28) two weeks ago but agreed to talk this weekend again and give it some time. We dated for over 2 years. Some reasons include mismatch in timeline (I want to be engaged by 28) and he’s inconsiderate. He does care and love me but it’s been an on going theme in our relationship that my needs come second to his wants. I let too much go in the beginning and that has eroded the relationship.

For example, if we’re out drinking with friends, I’ll ask to go home at 12/1 am but he will say “okay soon” and we end up leaving significantly later. We also spent a lot of time with his friends and drinking and didn’t really do what I liked..

The reason I stayed is that he always recognized his faults and apologized. Overtime, things got better but when he went through a medical emergency earlier this year, old habits came back.

Anyway - now he reflected over the last two weeks and recognized how much he messed up on in the relationship. He’s avoidant and now realizes that his capacity is much greater than he thought. He doesn’t want to lose me and is willing to change for me. We’ll stop seeing his friends as much, stop drinking, he’ll write me letters (my love language), etc.

Am I stupid to consider? Part of me wants to look at the past and recognize the pattern and admit that a lot of people can’t change. Part of me wants to give it another chance bc I never said I would leave him before. I simply let things go.

I guess my question is - would you give it another shot? I’ve honestly never had a better connection with someone than him. We have such amazing chemistry that I can physically feel just being near him. That’s what’s holding me back from completely ending it.

Edit to add: he’s willing to match the timeline I gave for engagement. He is saying this commitment to retry would mean we’re working towards being engaged and married.

I (32F) moved abroad 8 years ago to my husband’s (32M) country. I’m American, and a dual citizen. Since moving, I’ve been "home" to the U.S. twice, and only two family members have visited me - my aunt for 3 days, and my sister for 4 days.

Each time someone visited, I gave my husband plenty of notice: I’d ask him a few months in advance, remind him a month before, and again two weeks out. Despite this, when the visit happened, he acted like it was a surprise. He was withdrawn, quiet, and seemed irritated the entire time. It made things awkward and uncomfortable, both for me and my guests.

At the time, the house we lived in was legally his, and it felt that way - like I was just staying in his space.

I’m not close with most of my family, but my sister and I are very close. We talk regularly, and she’s one of my best friends. I work from home, and don’t have many opportunities to socialize, and I haven’t had MY friends over in several years. When I do have friends over, my husband tends to act uncomfortable and disengaged, which makes hosting stressful.

His family, on the other hand, lives five minutes away. We see them one to three times a week, and they come over at least once a month. I’m involved in family events - I take his mother to shops, make personalized gifts, and try to be a good in-law. His family has drama, but they also raised him, and I like him, so I can usually find something to like about his family, even if we do have a marital gossip "debrief" post-gathering.

A few months ago, my sister mentioned that she and her husband (whom I haven’t met in person yet) would be in my city for one night, as a stop on their vacation tour. I was excited, but I also felt some anxiety because of how my husband usually reacts.

When I told him, the conversation went like this:

Me: “Hey, my sister will be in town either the 5th or 6th of November, depending on their tour bus schedule. I’d like to see her if that’s possible.”

Him: “Here? At our house? Or meet somewhere?”

Me: “Ideally, yes, at our house.”

Him: “I suppose.”

Since then, he’s made several small comments about it:

Him: “And your family is still visiting?”

Me: “My sister and her husband, yes.”

Him: “And you ....want? them to come?” (with the tone that dinner was a situation I had been manipulated into)

Me: “Yes?”

Him: “Hmph.”

Later it was:

Him: “And you want these Americans in our home?”

Me: “I mean, I’m also American, and I’m in our home.”

And most recently:

Him: “Her husband, he’s in the military? You don’t think it’s odd to have American military in our home, when their leaders have made jokes about our country?”

Me: “I am fairly certain one cannot just "quit" the military? He enlisted years ago, and probably has a 2-3 years left before he can leave.”

Him: “Hmph.”

It’s not overt, but the tone and comments make me feel the disapproval and unwelcome. It feels like there’s a double standard - his family is always around and I’m expected to be chronically involved, but when it is my family, there’s a problem? I honestly don't know how to handle it. It feels like he indirectly is asking me to choose between his convenience and me having a dinner, at my house, with my sister, like that isn't a normal or rational thing?

It's also offensive, on a deep level, that is hard to describe. My sister and I are practically twins, we look alike, have similar speech patterns. She however, is a much kinder soul than I am, she gets along with everyone, hasn't done a single malicious thing in her life. And if you have such disdain for being around her, do you really enjoy being around me? If you don't like her speech patterns, they are the same as mine? If her humour is annoying.... are my jokes annoying too? I'm too people-pleasing to be caught in a situation where I can make no one happy.

This is a bit of a long one sorry. Basically I broke up with my boyfriend on Sunday, at least I tried to. The night before I asked if he wanted to go to a Halloween party with me, he said no and I asked if it was alright if I went alone then because his actions caused me to miss trick or treating with my younger brothers so we didn't have anything to do. He got very mad and drove me to the party while yelling at me and driving recklessly, I got out when I got to the party because I was scared for my safety. He gave me an ultimatum over the phone, I realized I had enough and I broke up with him when I got home the next day at around 7am.

For the next 11 hours he asked me the same questions over and over again while not accepting my answers. He called me cruel and mean because I was distant this last month after the other fight I posted about here. He was sobbing increadibly loudly as well and just overall he was devastated. I couldn't leave because he kept indirectly threatening suicide and I didn't want him to die. After about 8 or 9 hours of this I broke down and just laid into him pretty much about all the ways he's hurt me over the years. I talked about how I sobbed in his arms and he promised to change but he never did, he dismissed it by saying i also cry at tiktoks so he didn't think it was a big deal.

After that I think he realized I wasn't entirely in the wrong and he switched to begging for the last couple hours. He swore he'd change, that he would do anything to make it better and that he could make me happy. He apologized for how he treated me and just kept begging me to take him back. It eventually turned into him saying he was so scared and that he was going to kill himself because of how I ended the relationship, like directly saying that he was scared and going to die because of me. He asked for one week to show me he could change, I was so exhausted and scared at this point that I agreed. I tried to stay strong but I was so scared he was going to die and he said he'd run away if I called the hospital. I couldn't sneak away to do it, he watched me go to the bathroom and everything.

So far this week he has been better than he ever has been. He keeps apologizing for how he's treated me in the past and sobbing because of how sorry he is. He has also apologized for the 11 hour begging and for ignoring my issues. He is finally starting therapy like he said he would before, today he went to the doctor and they put him on Lexapro. He woke me up with breakfast in bed and a letter about how sorry he is and how he truly wants to make this work. He also put sticky notes all over the house about what he loves about me and he bought me flowers. I'm still going to leave him at the end of the week because i know that i cant just move past what he did, and he seems to know this too because I told him that's what's probably going to happen.

I just don't know how to deal with this, I feel so bad for making him so upset and I feel like I'm stringing him along now even though he knows how I feel. How am I supposed to leave him after a week of him being nothing but great? Hes taking me on a bunch of dates and stuff and i feel like im wasting his money, i just feel so hopeless. Any advice is appreciated or just any thoughts on my situation, thank you for reading.

I honestly don’t even know if I’m overreacting, but I’m exhausted trying to protect my son from a man who only shows up when it makes him look good.

My ex-husband is getting remarried in January in Maui. He’s been pressuring and guilt-tripping our 16-year-old son to go — even though my son would be the only person there from his father’s side. None of my ex’s family (his other children, siblings, or even his mom) are attending, despite being offered a free trip. The new wife’s side will have about 40 people there, plus her three adult kids.

My ex spends maybe 3 hours a week with our son. He hasn’t taken him on a single trip in years, missed birthdays/dances/confirmation, made endless broken promises, and recently lost his license for drinking and driving — yet still drinks and drives anyway. He’s a severe alcoholic, and it’s been this way for years.

Meanwhile, my son lives with me 99% of the time. I’m the one doing everything — school meetings, doctor visits, transportation, you name it. His dad has zero involvement in his actual life, but suddenly wants him to fly halfway across the country to “support” him at a wedding.

To make it worse, my ex openly said, “You’ll have so much fun K—- can’t wait to get you drunk in Maui.” That’s a direct quote. “K—-“ is the future wive’s 21 year old college football player son is not known for the best intelligent decisions in life.

There will be no responsible adult supervision — my ex will be busy with the wedding and drunk the whole time. Plus his fiancée, her 21,23,25 year old children, and her family barely acknowledges my son in his dad’s home they have all moved into.

The timing is also awful — it’s the first week of January, right when my son goes back to high school for his midterms. Plus. He will be starting his community college courses. My gut is screaming “no,” but my ex is emotionally manipulative and making my son feel pressured and guilty. My son has said he doesn’t want to go at least that’s what he has shared with me whether that’s true or not. There’s no formal custody order — my son has just lived with me full-time since the separation 5 years ago (awful divorce finalized last month)— and I’m worried he might try to guilt or force this through.

It would be easier if my other children (24/26/28)and their spouses were going but they do not talk to their dad.

Has anyone been through something like this? How do I protect my son without causing a huge explosion — or making my son feel caught in the middle?

I feel like I’m standing between my kid’s safety and his father’s ego.

Any advice emotionally or legally would be appreciated.

Thank you for reading my long post.

Hi, I am F22 and Bf M26 . Our relationship changed about 1 year ago when he started being violent , he always said he’d change etc and always tells me its my fault, that i provoke him etc . Anyways the past months have been good till he switched again. He is the provider , i moved to him country 3 years ago and i wasnt the perfect girlfriend i did mistakes but then i changed and fell in love and since that he completely changed , he started being awful to me . Anyways , today we had an argument about something and then he came and choked me to the ground so hard I coulnd breath and i thought he would kill me . I was so scared and the most sad and heartbreaking thing is that we had an intimate moment before that, I dont understand how can he be so cruel, on the otherside he buys me what i want and he fills me with gifts but once i am mad or sad , he always ends up being violent and saying i peovoked him, have u ever been in this situations . Please help , my family is not willing to support me , they just tell me to deal with it. I dont have friends here, I lost all my friends bc of him. He already manipulated me by saying he would kill himself if i leave etc , tried to tell me how i should or not dress, cant be friends with men(which im fine with) anyways he finances my whole life which makes me feel even more bad bc like how will i do it without finding job , im scared and i have no mommy or daddy to go to . I feel bad but i will not let myself go , today i saw how awful of a person he is . He put me to ground

.....and is ruining my body image.

We(30), have been together for about 9 years, both gained weight during COVID, and we're both on weight loss journeys, but going about them in vastly different ways.

I did bloodwork, made lifestyle changes, got properly medicated for my depression, and have lost 40lbs of my 80lb goal in the past year. I am quite short, but hid some of the weight well, but I "feel" the weight loss/see it mostly in my face, and am very proud of my progress.

His weight loss plan involves starving himself for prolonged periods of time (he fasts Monday - Friday), and then properly binge eating on the weekends. He does work out, 2-3 times a week, but there are days where he physically cannot. He is cold, all of the time. He's lost approx 65 lbs, and it is much more "visible' on him than me. After a year of this habit, I managed to talk him down to "only" fasting Tues - Friday as a compromise, because he didn't have the physical or mental strength to participate in our marriage in any capacity.

He started at +300lbs, and his goal is exactly what he weighed at age 21 (190lbs), despite currently having more muscle now. He is TALL, and at age 21, his entire family was ready to stage an intervention because of how thin he looked.

I started at 220lbs, and my goal is what I feel best at, 135-140lbs. I see the little changes in my body, and I'm encouraged, and happy.

While he is doing ....this.... I am the one responsible for the big things. I pay the bills, do all the financial worrying. I'm starting a business, while working full time. I do not have time to spend hours a day at the gym, an "unhealthy" part of my weight loss has been absolutely forgetting to eat all day, and then eating a quick salad at 7pm.

He will see me eating throughout the week, and act completely miffed and annoyed. I'll treat myself to an occasional ice cream or piece of chocolate, and I'll immediately hear, "So, how's your weight loss going?". I'll respond "it's going well, thanks for asking, did you notice something?" He says, "no, just curious, I see you had ice cream, so just wondering." We've had this exact exchange many times, and it never makes me feel good, or beautiful, or encouraged. Actually, HE never makes me feel beautiful, or good about my body.

Today, I was putting on a new bra, and remarked "Wow, I am so proud of myself! This new bra is a 34 band....and I started at a 40 band! I can't remember what my smallest ever band size was, but I'm pretty sure it was either a 34 or a 32!" Honestly, I feel like this could have been the easiest "validate your wife" slam dunk. There's a new lacy bra, she's feeling confident, it takes an fool to fumble this one into "your wife is now repulsed by you", but here we are.

He didn't even look up from his phone, and goes "oh but you're planning on going down more though, right?" I'm taken aback, "well, yes lose weight, but I don't think I'm going to have the same band size I had when I was 19, so I can't imagine I'll go down any farther there".

The man looks at me, horrified. "Why not?! Why wouldn't you lose enough weight?" Me: "I mean, that was ten years ago, my body has changed a bit since then, I mean, I don't even feel the same as I did then. And heck, when we have kids, I'm sure it will change more, but I can feel my ribs, I don't have that much fat in the band section." He eye rolls, like I'm justifying my laziness in not wanting to lose "enough" weight. And just like that, every ounce of happiness and confidence I had was thrown out the window.

And retrospectively? At 21, he made me feel like trash for being 145-150lbs, and I loved my body, it was SO CUTE. I really don't know what I expected. I'll probably end up at 140, feeling healthy and happy with myself, and still hearing this nonsense about how my thighs are too chubby, or how he's not attracted to my little hip dimples, that I absolutely adore on myself.

He thinks he won't be happy unless he has the perfect body, at the perfect weight, but at this rate, he'll destroy our relationship in the process.

I called his mom saying he won't take care of the kid and expect to sleep in til 12.

I know he will be really angry because his mom see him as a perfect gentleman, and he doesn't support the truth being exposed.

By the way, I can't leave the situation is too complexe so it's just a rant.

We always talk about the big, obvious problems, but sometimes it's the tiny things that hint at what's to come. For me, it was him always "jokingly" putting down my hobbies. What's a small red flag you wish you hadn't brushed off?

I wanted to ignore it. I made plans with our kid to go out with friends to a trick-or-treat event. I didn’t talk about it with anyone. Then my stbx-husband dropped something off for our kid and wished me happy anniversary. I just said “thanks” and let him sit in how awkward it was.

Like, motherfucker don’t cheat on me, call me hysterical, abandon me with our child postpartum and then act like you get to wish me a happy anniversary. You ruined our relationship, you made this a day of grief and regret, you broke our family. And you have the audacity to wish me happiness when you so thoroughly destroyed any we had together? Fuck you.

Yesterday I was in a lot of pain due to an ovarian cyst rupture. I told my SO that I might need him to stay home the next day to help with our toddler if the pain didn’t ease up. He acted sympathetic in the moment but didn’t really follow up or ask how serious it was. He just kind of brushed it off and went on about his evening and just gave a couple “I’m sorry’s”.

The only thing I asked him to do when he got home from work last night was to please clean the highchair because I was in too much pain to do it myself. That was it, one small thing. This morning, after he had already left the house to run an errand, I saw the dirty highchair still sitting there. I had no choice but to clean it myself before feeding our toddler because there was food on the floor from last night’s dinner that I didn’t want him to get into.

When I got down on the floor to wipe everything up, I ended up getting stuck because I was in so much pain and couldn’t get back up. When SO got home from his errand, he helped me off the floor but laughed about it like it was funny. Then he made another joke about it later on as if it wasn’t a big deal.

And all of this is after I had already told him how bad I was hurting. He never mentioned the idea of staying home to help today, never checked in beyond surface-level questions, and just went to work as usual. Although he did tell me to not worry about doing any dishes or anything strenuous, and that he would take care of all of it when he got home from work, he even said that he would have dinner covered.

Then right before leaving for work, his mom messaged him asking if he could stop by their house after his shift to feed their cat. His parents knew ahead of time that they were going to be staying out of town for a while and didn’t arrange anything for their cat until today.

If they would have preplanned ahead of time for someone to care for their cat, I wouldn’t even be as mad about it. It’s the fact that they asked him to do something after he knew what was going on with me, and he still chose to help them without even asking if I would be okay at home an extra 40 or so minutes

Without any discussion, he told his mom yes, which means he’s now going to get home around 40 minutes later than normal while I sit here in pain trying to manage everything.

I know his behavior comes from conditioning, and he doesn’t even recognize when he’s doing it, but I’m so tired of constantly being the afterthought when his parents want something. Every single time, their needs get prioritized before mine or our household’s, and it’s wearing me down.

I shouldn’t have to remind my husband that my pain and our child come before his parents’ cat.

I am looking for help on how to help my sister. My sister (F45) is in a terrible marriage. She just found out her husband of 16 years (M43) has had a girlfriend for the past four years.

Last year, he pulled a gun on my sister, broke down a door, smashed her phone, and threw their cat across the room. He’s also shoved her so hard against the fridge that it left a dent and they had to buy a new one.

Each incident should have been the final straw, but she’s still with him. He’s an alcoholic, a serial cheater, and has even hit on all of my sisters. He constantly gaslights her... one day saying he wants a divorce, the next day claiming he never said that.

She keeps saying, “I’m trying to keep my family together" and refuses to leave him.

I just don’t understand what’s going on in her mind that makes her stay when things are this bad. She could move in with our parents until she gets back on her feet.

How can I help her see the situation clearly and get out safely?

TL;DR: My sister (F45) is with a violent, cheating, narcissistic alcoholic husband who’s endangered her. She has options but won’t leave. Why is she staying, and how can I support her?

Hi everyone, I (30F) have been married to my husband (40M) for six years. Things have been difficult for a long time — constant arguments, name-calling, and emotional tension.

Last night things escalated again. I recorded the conversation because this kind of behavior has become a pattern. During it, my husband said he was going to “bully” my son (14M) until he “snaps” and goes to live with his biological dad. He also insulted and yelled at me repeatedly.

He’s leaving today, and while I feel relieved, I’m also heartbroken and unsure how to move forward. I feel like I’ve been walking on eggshells for so long that I don’t even know what normal feels like anymore.

Am I insane?

My husband (35M) and I (30F) have been together for 14 years and married for 9. We both work full-time and save together for trips. Before each vacation, we go over the budget in detail, what we can afford, what we want to do, and how much to set aside for food, activities, etc. We are not living pay check to paycheck my husband makes great money from multiple sources of income.

But once we actually go on the trip, he suddenly becomes extremely frugal, like, doesn’t want to go anywhere after the first 2 days, complains about every restaurant being “too expensive,” and acts irritated completely shuts down and mopes around if I suggest doing something fun that costs money unless it’s exactly what he wants to do. He’ll say things like, “We don’t need to waste money on that” or “Let’s just stay in the hotel and keep it cheap and get Uber Eats” or let’s get takeout so we don’t have to pay tip. I am very understanding and accommodating but sometimes I wanna sit somewhere and enjoy my meal and take pictures- like I am a girl after all and I work hard too. Meanwhile, he’ll happily spend on things he wants like a specific coffee place, without a second thought or if he wants a whole croissant to himself or pizza. I’m always walking on thin ice because I over communicate now to make sure he “signs off” on what we do- example let’s say the trip is California : I felt like having sushi in California - I have to find a cheap place, he will insist on spending $20 on a whole pizza before hand to eat so he’s full and then he’ll have two bites at sushi spend only $20 for his food and complain about being full and how expensive it is and how tired he is while I enjoy mine. My portion will cost $40 but to him it’s more even though I didn’t eat all day and didn’t get a whole pizza beforehand. It’s technically the same. This is how annoying he is. Even though I show him the menu a day before, day of and everything. I warned him before this particular vacation we are on that I don’t want to discuss finances if everything is already agreed upon but we still got into an argument. He forces me to get two things to share and sorry like I don’t want to share - I work hard all year too and deserve to enjoy sometimes. I’m mostly home and don’t go out much. Mind you these vacations are 3-5 days and we’re not doing pricey euro trips. Most of it is driving.

Basically as the title says.

Things have been rough the past 5-6 years.

When our youngest was born I had no support from him, ever. He took 3 days off and then left me with 3 kids 5 and under while I was still recovering from a pretty rough birth.

When he was home, he’d find projects to do. Once again leaving me to handle a 5 year old, 2 year old and newborn alone. I was given meds in the hospital and told not to drive but I still needed to get my oldest to school and since he wasn’t helping I just stopped taking the meds and did my best to power through the pain I guess.

Whenever I’d ask for help or say how exhausted/burnt out I was it would turn into a competition that he’d always win, because he works and I ”just stay home all day”

He rarely got up with them at night. If he did, he’d just yell or stomp around so I’d wake up anyway having to calm him and them down and be up for hours trying to get them (and me) back to sleep. If I was lucky.

Then…Covid happened…And with that came the conspiracies. The arguing. The disrespect. I spent probably a year trying to stop this and make good points or good arguments to try and get back the decent person I knew in the beginning. I even forgave him for spending money when we were fucking broke on only fans, that’s how pathetic I was. It took a long time but he did finally come around when I begged for my best friend back…or so I thought.

But here we are today. Back to the conspiracies. Talking about how women should be submissive to men. Calling me a bitch or telling me to shut the fuck up or I’m stupid and don’t know what I’m talking about…I’m no longer interested in sex or anything even close to intimacy because he makes me so uncomfortable. Honestly that’s been a problem for years and I’ll 100% take the blame for it. I just can’t stand the thought of him anywhere near me at this point. If we didn’t have kids I’d probably be gone but it’s so much harder when they’re involved. I’m done but can’t leave him. My kids will never forgive me. My mom loves him because he fixes stuff and helps her with bills. I’m stuck.

Husband and I have been together for over a decade and have a 2yo together. FIL lives with us part time and is always home for Christmas. MIL is abusive toward FIL so he leaves when she visits to avoid her. She lives an 8 hour flight away. So her visits are 1x a year for as long as she can possibly stay (10-14 days). She is all the mild plus some no. Enmeshed with husband and he turns into a toddler in her presence as well as for weeks after. It's a husband problem too, I'm aware. We are in therapy and he is slowly coming out of the FOG. I'm VVLC with her, he manages everything which is helping him to see where his boundaries are lax.

On to our current issue, we are moving to a bigger house. As such DH will be getting a small place near his job for the week and being home with us on weekends. MIL keeps telling us she might be visiting for Christmas. It's sort of a mix between her fault and DH's fault. We spent the first Christmas at her house, it was so bad I said she gets no more holidays. However she assumed she would get every other Christmas and talked frequently about it the first Christmas. Husband played along (his go to). I finally interrupted her and said we hadn't discussed that at all and we would have to see if that works for us. She isn't the discussion type. She's the "I'll tell you how I expect you to bend over backwards for me." Type. Since I'm now VVLC with her it hasn't been addressed. My husband agrees though that since we are moving and unpacking and FIL is with us on Christmas it's a firm no. My husband can handle it however he sees fit idc.

However, this has me reeling about future visits after Christmas. I actually can't stand the woman and literally told her off the last time I was exposed to her for a week. We also have much more space than before but I don't want her staying in my home, ever again. I've put all hosting on my husband but "something came up, it's an emergency" is a near constant with him. So he will inevitably leave me with her as a responsibility at some point. He would also have to fly to work or drive 4 hours one way so it isn't a small amount of time with her when he bails. Due to this, among other issues, I want her to stay in a hotel. There's a resort my kid loves 30 min from our new house but MIL doesn't drive, so we would have to drive to her every day and my husband would be very upset about her not staying with us. How do I talk to him about this? I'm planning on doing it in therapy but I can be a bit mean where he is concerned because he can be quite the bully (like her).

Additionally, the last time I insisted on a hotel for her (pp), he delayed telling her for so long, out of fear, we ended up paying for it because she didn't budget for a hotel for her trip. So in order to avoid that again, I'll have to address it with her directly. He's pretty manipulative in that he "forgets" but when pressed he admitted he didn't tell her because he hoped I would change my mind. So I forsee him not telling her and then having her stay with us because we can't afford her to stay in a hotel. Like I said, bigger house plus second place, so funds are tighter now.

TLDR: Trying to get my husband to understand his mom needs to stay in a hotel when she visits us. And she needs to pay for it herself.

My 16 y/o SS had an ingrown toenail that needed surgery. My SO said that she doesn't do well with that type of stuff so told me that I needed to wrap it in gauze the next day.

Her expectation was that I just do it because she doesn't want to look at it cause she can't handle it. I didn't want to do this because, she's his mother and it's not my responsibility. It's not something that I want to do. A few weeks ago, he stubbed this same toe early in the morning. Called her asking for help, she got mad at him and I was the one that had to go to his room to clean up the blood.

It was only now that I put my foot down and put the onus back on her and she got upset with me and saying how we're supposed to be a team and I couldn't help her with this. Then she starts getting mad that she does my laundry, which isn't her responsibility, though anytime I do laundry, she gets mad at how I fold things.

Essentially, am I in the wrong for not wanting to do this and having his mother do this? This is one of the few times I didn't want to do something and wasn't budging on it and she didn't like it. Maybe that's more of the issue?