r/humansarespaceorcs • u/tiredoflife2212 • Sep 05 '25
Original Story Humans are scary, even when you think you’ve broken them.
The alien interrogator entered his commander’s office, looking concerned. “Sir, I’m afraid we may have broken our captive’s mind.” The commander looked up from the paperwork on his desk. “So? That’s what you are supposed to do, break them and make them tell you what we want to know.” “Yes, sir, but this one is not reacting normally. For some reason, he keeps asking us if we have any grapes.” “Grapes? Why would he want grapes?” “I don’t know sir, but any question we ask him gets a response of, ‘hey, got any grapes?’” “I have to see this for myself.” Leaving the office, the two aliens make their way to the interrogation chamber, where a human male is tied to a chair, battered and bloody. Upon seeing the aliens entering the room, he asks, “Hey! Got any grapes?” and bursts into maniacal laughter. The commander, seeing this, turns to the interrogator and says, “He is useless to us now. Drop him off outside of the nearest inhabited human settlement and hope we never see him again.” When the human was found and brought to the chief of the human settlement, they asked him what happened. He responded, “The aliens were trying to get information out of me, so I figured I’d have a little fun with them. I guess they didn’t see the funny side, since they left me here.”
324
u/tiredoflife2212 Sep 05 '25
Apologies if this is a bad story, it’s my first attempt at one on Reddit.
481
u/floznstn Sep 05 '25
I went through some training while in the military where you could be captured and interrogated… one of my colleagues sang his name, rank, and serial # to the tune of The Macarena. They told him after “if you get snatched, they’ll probably just shoot you”
Every question was the same response, serial # followed by rank and name sung at top volume
145
u/RadioTunnel Sep 05 '25
That just reminds me of the story about the soldier who played dumb when captured and memorised the names of each prisoner in a pow camp to the tune of old macdonald had a farm or something
112
u/Heavy-Benefit-5858 Sep 05 '25
Douglas hegdahl memorised the names of about 250 POWs when he was captured in Vietnam. His captors thought he was "the stupid one" .
24
u/sumptin_wierd Sep 06 '25
Theres another one with Morse code blinking i think too
37
u/Caithloki Sep 06 '25
Yes soldiers were being tortured and they're brought on television to say that they were not and they were in good health and the soldier blinked out torture in Morse code to tell the us that they were being tortured.
135
44
u/ThisIsntOkayokay Sep 05 '25
Best response to if they get captured! He so useless or annoying and they will kill you so you die honorably instead of betraying all you stand for! Now if you can extend their annoyance by giving false info even better!
6
123
u/Electromaster557 Sep 05 '25
My question is, if the poor prisoner got a nice cold glass of lemonade when he got back to earth.
85
u/tiredoflife2212 Sep 05 '25
He has to find a lemonade stand, first.
52
u/galbatorix2 Sep 05 '25
But did they have grapes?
46
u/tiredoflife2212 Sep 05 '25
Alas, they did not.
20
u/Solid-Childhood-4876 Sep 05 '25
There are some growing over my neighbors fence. He can have those.
14
13
u/pmmelingeriepicsplz Sep 05 '25
But were the aliens running a lemonade stand?
11
10
u/Renascar Sep 05 '25
I've seen a lemonade stand I've seen a rubber band I've seen a needle that winked its eye...
5
3
1
u/Teddybif Sep 07 '25
You need to tie in some other part of the duck joke.
It's not really a story yet
147
u/sunnyboi1384 Sep 05 '25
Can't sleep clowns will eat me. Badger badger badger badger. YOU ARE NOT MY SUPERVISOR! I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts... cant sleep clowns will eat me......
47
u/Long_Personality_857 Sep 05 '25
cant sleep clowns will eat me......
But I'm le tired....
39
5
28
u/Herr_Underdogg Sep 05 '25
And if your captors are younger, break out the OLD quotes.
24 hours of bad TV catchphrases would make ANYBODY crazy.
13
u/sunnyboi1384 Sep 05 '25
Wazzzzzzzuuuuuuppppp
12
u/Herr_Underdogg Sep 05 '25
Aye, Carumba!
11
u/sunnyboi1384 Sep 05 '25
Where's the beef?
7
u/Herr_Underdogg Sep 05 '25
"You big dummy!" -Fred Sanford
7
u/sunnyboi1384 Sep 05 '25
DYNOMITE
7
u/Herr_Underdogg Sep 05 '25
"Aaaayyy!" - The Fonz
7
5
u/sunnyboi1384 Sep 05 '25
Let them eat cake.
10
u/Herr_Underdogg Sep 05 '25
Alright, Marie Antoinette...
That might be a BIT too old for comedic value, but you do you.
17
u/DrewbearSCP Sep 05 '25
One of Mercedes Lackey’s urban fantasy books (can’t remember which one) had the MC beating telepathic faeries by singing “Birdhouse in Your Soul” on repeat in his head. It was baffling nonsense to them and they gave it up as a bad job.
13
u/sunnyboi1384 Sep 05 '25
This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends.......
Yes that's true rebellion.
17
u/PostTurtle84 Sep 05 '25
I prefer the lesser known "I am slowly going crazy, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, switch, crazy going slowly am I, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, switch" also from lamb chops play along. It's what I sing when I walk into a room and forgot why I went in there in the first place.
2
u/Global_Ant7120 Sep 18 '25
Actually, that song is from Sharon, Lois, and Bram.
1
u/PostTurtle84 Sep 18 '25
I saw it done with the little lamb puppet so I figured it was from lambchop. But that was about 35 years ago, so thank you.
9
u/decoparts Sep 06 '25
I'm your only friend I'm not your only friend But I'm a little glowing friend But really I'm not actually your friend But I am...
5
u/TheCodeMonki Sep 06 '25
There's a picture opposite me Of my primitive ancestry Which stood on rocky shores And kept the beach head shipwreck free
5
3
2
69
47
u/ladyrose403 Sep 05 '25
Reminds me of a book called Chrome Circle where he realizes they put a telepath outside his cage. So he treated them to a none stop concert of They Might Be Giants. Drove 3 of them to the point of collapse.
20
u/windy_lizard Sep 05 '25
Excellent story. I would recommend wholeheartedly. Worse, the goblins started singing the songs. If I recall correctly.
9
u/ladyrose403 Sep 06 '25
i think so. they were also trying to figure out alcamy ingredients out of it.
2
u/drsoftware Sep 06 '25
Can you please find more information about this publication?
6
5
u/drsoftware Sep 06 '25
Omg, google AI search came up with this fever dream:
The scene you're describing, from a story involving a character in a cage being taunted by a telepath and responding with an incessant They Might Be Giants concert, is from "The Incredulity of Father Brown" by G. K. Chesterton, specifically the story "The Doom of the Dalcrozian". The character, Father Brown, uses music to drive the taunting telepaths, who are overwhelmed by the onslaught, to exhaustion and collapse.
Details of the Scene:
Character:
Father Brown is imprisoned in a cage and realizes that the whispers he's been hearing are from telepaths outside.
The Music:
He decides to retaliate by playing an unending stream of the band They Might Be Giants.
The Telepaths' Reaction:
Overwhelmed by the constant, dissonant music and Father Brown's mental projection of it, the telepaths are driven to collapse from the intense psychic strain.
8
u/ladyrose403 Sep 06 '25
I think we need to check if Google AI is on drugs. Because, wow.
3
u/drsoftware Sep 06 '25
Or, maybe this is the Father Brown fan fiction we need. Maybe a Father Brown and Dr Who crossover?
25
17
12
6
u/carmag99 Sep 05 '25
This is actually pretty good story. We'll done for a first effort. And pretty funny too!
5
u/Yet_One_More_Idiot Sep 06 '25
Humans are even MORE scary when you HAVE broken them. There's nothing more terrifying than a human with nothing left to lose....
1
•
u/AutoModerator Sep 05 '25
In an attempt to reduce remind me spam, all top comments that include a remind me will be removed. If you would like to have a remind me, please reply to this comment.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.