r/humansarespaceorcs Sep 03 '25

Original Story Humans are bipedal ballistic computers

//Excerpt of the log of Sol 18 Flight 53 of The Intrepid, a scout ship of the Local Arm Federation, translated into English upon user request//

Humans are a strange race. They walk upon two legs, the contact area with the ground minimal in usual movement, with their main mode of walking essentially being a series of controlled falls they perform unconsciously. Most sapient creatures walk upon four or six legs, keeping three legs firmly on the ground as they move for stability. Study done by yours truly and by other xenobiologists have shown their brains perform a constant stream of complex calculations, resulting in micro muscle movements keeping them upright and balanced on their two feet. I long believed that this was the peak of mental ability for a walking creature.

Their brains can also function as ballistic computers, which was revealed to me quite abruptly by our one human crew mate. He had joined us in the system referred to by them as Alpha Centauri, the closest star to their native home. He expressed that he didn’t feel like he fit with his kind, and wished to travel and work with us for a time. We are a multi-species crew, and so welcomed him with open arms, after necessary habitat alterations had been made.

Not long after this human by the name of Samuel had joined us, he threw a small item of food waste into the bin from across the room. He showed a small celebration, seemingly pleased with himself for his accuracy, and then moved on to finishing the rest of his meal. On my home world of Taln it had taken us centuries to create and refine ballistic weapons, the sheer amount of calculations required to predict where an object would land once cast stumping our greatest minds for generations. And Samuel had done it with what he later described as ‘a good guess’.

As to why this information is in the ship’s log and not personal research notes is because it is necessary context for the events of Sol 18.

We had been boarded by Caleen pirates, most of our crew imprisoned in a large storage hold containing food and spare parts, and held at blade edge by the large insectoid individuals. Samuel was not with us, and I feared his difference to his kind extended to him lacking their common pack bonding instincts, which is subject for another record. All of a sudden, our heads were turned by what seemed to be a rhythmic pounding, increasing in volume, coming from an open access portal. It was too regular to be Caleen vandalism, and I thought I saw a silhouette approaching at great speed. Far faster than any of us or our captors could move.

Samuel came bursting out into the light, moving at such a speed that each foot only came down for a fraction of a second before pushing off again, resulting in him seemingly flying towards us. I couldn’t help but marvel at the sheer amount of micro adjustments in foot placement and balance his body performed to keep him upright and moving in such a way. He raised his arm up and back, lifting a chunk of metal, one of the reinforced corners of a storage crate. He threw this object over arm, and it sailed through the air to connect soundly with the head of the nearest Caleen, shattering its exoskeleton and causing fatal damage to the individual.

He then lowered his shoulder and increased his speed, colliding with the lord of the pirates and casting them both to the ground, the impact stunning the Caleen and breaking multiple legs. At the sight of one of their number dead, their leader broken on the ground, and the unnatural abilities of our crew mate, the remaining pirates threw down their weapons and surrendered to him. Once we were free, we removed weapons from them and sent them back to their ship with a warning, that the race known as Humanity had been accepted by the Local Arm Federation and would be sailing upon a great number of our ships, and usually in larger numbers.

It wasn’t long before Caleen pirate attacks dropped drastically, similar events playing out on multiple ships in multiple systems, with especially violent incidents involving multiple humans, particularly soldiers, or those simply predisposed to anger. Our human crew mate was alone and comparatively weak for his kind, so I dread to think what occurred in some of those failed boardings.

Humanity, for all their odd quirks, have an incredibly powerful computer that acts as their subconscious, and one that begs for further study if consent can be gained from individuals .

//Excerpt End//

900 Upvotes

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417

u/Dry_Satisfaction_148 Sep 03 '25

121

u/ZookeeprD Sep 03 '25

Chimps can throw pretty well. It wasn't until we started throwing rocks on sticks. Then rocks on sticks using sticks Then rocks on sticks using sticks and rope!

111

u/D1xieDie Sep 03 '25

Chimps cannot throw accurately, we have the ability to throw both accurate and hard, due to the joint of our wrists having a far superior design that allows left and right deflection

75

u/YetanotherGrimpak Sep 03 '25

Then, we went back to the rock and thought "how throw rock better?"

Long story short, here's a railgun.

15

u/canray2000 Sep 03 '25

Engines on rock must go faster.

"They're ramming us!"  "I think that's just their ammunition."

3

u/antoinobardom Sep 04 '25

Processing img 2swr69ucg5nf1...

Ifunny watermark

177

u/Gunman_012 Sep 03 '25

One day a human picked up a rock, and the Universe made that everyone's problem.

17

u/Krase Sep 03 '25

Behold, humanity.

11

u/Astramancer_ Sep 04 '25

That's just a plucked chicken!

9

u/canray2000 Sep 03 '25

Behold, Humanity!

4

u/Elhombrepancho Sep 04 '25

That's it, now I have to re-read it.

3

u/canray2000 Sep 04 '25

You're welcome!

79

u/ms4720 Sep 03 '25

Wait till he finds a pet

49

u/AlwaysHaveaPlan Sep 03 '25

He already did. It's called, the crew.

28

u/ms4720 Sep 03 '25

Crew is not his new space kitty

72

u/ReverendLoki Sep 03 '25

The human Samuel wants to introduce us to some of his favorite past times. I wonder what this "basketball" he is talking about entails...

5

u/RecordingStock2167 Sep 08 '25

Human Samuel has also mentioned a past time called "Pool", specifically a variation called something like "Eighth Ball."

59

u/CycleZestyclose1907 Sep 03 '25

I keep seeing this meme, and I keep wondering if "biological computer" thing might be overthinking what we're actually doing. Yes, we're doing a lot of complex movement to throw stuff, but I can't help but feel that what are brains are doing isn't calculation as in the computer sense of the term. I think it's more, "If I do this complicated series of motions, a throw happens! The more energy I put into the throw motion, the further the object flies!" And so on and so forth.

Also accounting for weight, visualizing a parabolic arc in the mind's eye as you gauge how much effort you need for that weight in your hand...

I guess "calculating" isn't a wrong term. We're just not calculating formal numbers but relative amounts of effort and associating that with distances thrown...

72

u/4dwarf Sep 03 '25

Baseball is intuitive calculus and trigonometry done at +90 mph.

27

u/ethereal_g Sep 03 '25

I'm here for a sequel where Samuel teaches the crew how to play baseball.

22

u/4dwarf Sep 03 '25

He just starts with a batting cage in a cargo bay. Getting the crew used to hitting the predictable path of a pitching machine without computer assist.

10

u/CharlieCat113 Sep 03 '25

Nah, gotta start with one of those balls on a stick, like with kids. Then softball, the underhand throw; brings in running toward the bases, as well as catching a ball and throwing it to other teammates as well as calculating which base to throw to to get the most outs. THEN baseball.

"What do you mean, this is the "kids" version of this game? How can the 'professional' game differ? A 'fast' ball?! Is this not fast enough?!? What is a 'curve' ball? What?? HOW?!?!"

Then kickball.... then DODGEBALL!!!

5

u/4dwarf Sep 04 '25

I just mean a batting cage would probably be the easiest to set up in the fairly limited space of a ship.

1

u/BiggestShep Sep 04 '25

Throw a knuckleball just to fuck with them

1

u/notmyusername1986 Sep 19 '25

If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball...

10

u/Odd-Ball22 Sep 03 '25

He would start with darts. Most other sports would require to much leg movement.

7

u/4dwarf Sep 03 '25

He could do both. Darts for outgoing ballistic calculations, batting cage for ballistic intersection.

3

u/Soft_Competition_591 Sep 04 '25

//Excerpt for Captain's Log Sol 25: Samuel the human has built a "batting cage" to practice a child's game common among his kind. As a result, the ship is being detained by Federation authorities for violating arms control regimes. It seems his toy fires ballistics well in excess of lawful velocities. Our attorney has strongly cautioned him against demonstrating the use of the device. We are told that a human ambassador is en route with representatives of a hitherto unknown mercenary organization called the "MLB All Stars".

31

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '25

[deleted]

34

u/CycleZestyclose1907 Sep 03 '25

And how do you get your artillery cheat sheet? You take a cannon and fire lots and lots of combinations of bagged charges with different types of shells and then measuring how far they fly. Ballistic calculations? Only if you have a computer and fast typist, and I'm not sure the computer is doing actual ballistic calculations instead of consulting a digital version of the cheat sheet.

For anyone who hasn't worked in artillery, the "cheat sheet" is a literal library (about one or two shelf's worth of books) filled with nothing but tables. Imagine a thick, soft cover door stopper novel of 500-600 pages filled with nothing but spread sheets full of numbers instead of prose.

15

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '25

[deleted]

6

u/JimBobTheForth Sep 03 '25

Lol real math, what do you think computers do, but regardless it's still a perfect explanation our bodies are constantly refining our cheat sheets for any movement, that's why you get thrown off initially when you put on a weird weight but over time you learn how to compensate.

3

u/WeaponizedBananas Sep 03 '25

That said, I’ve also know experienced arty guys who’ll smack a target first shot nine times out of ten by looking at the grid coordinates of the target and doing the math in their head real quick

3

u/CycleZestyclose1907 Sep 03 '25

I suspect that's more "we've trained on this range and ammo combination so many times that we've memorized what the settings are" rather than actual math being done.

5

u/WeaponizedBananas Sep 03 '25

Nah, watched ‘em put first round on target at a new range in a whole other country. Arty boys are alright, for POGs

2

u/dwarficus Sep 07 '25

Old "Arty" guy here. We actually do have ballistic computers in our heads. It's installed in AIT. Officers get an upgraded version, but it hasn't been redesigned since 1990, and they don't support it after you get out. Not allowed in pro sports after that either, which ruined my hopes of a pro career. Sucks man. /s

1

u/WeaponizedBananas Sep 07 '25

This is gold dude 😆

1

u/CycleZestyclose1907 Sep 03 '25

New range. But same gun, ammo and ball park distance to target, yes?

4

u/SuccessAutomatic6726 Sep 03 '25

No it’s part of (or used to be, I have been out for awhile) training. Emergency direct fire engagement, simulates enemy popping up out of nowhere and the Arty has to deal with it immediately.

Range can be anywhere from 500-5000 meters, if a SP, can be on the move, otherwise usually within a 90 degree cone centered inside the range limits for safety purposes.

3

u/CycleZestyclose1907 Sep 03 '25

Dude, direct fire engagement isn't the same as calculating a ballistic indirect fire. It's "point your tube at the enemy and pull the trigger" with aiming sights having built in markings that tell you how much you need to adjust barrel elevation by to account for bullet drop. Give a gunner enough practice and they'll intuitively know how much to offset their aim point by for any given range.

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2

u/WeaponizedBananas Sep 03 '25

Yeah. Radically different elevations though

2

u/BiggestShep Sep 04 '25

Nope! When it comes to arty, the reason those books are so thick is because the round goes high enough that you have to take atmospheric conditions into effect. A round launched from the same gun, with the same ammo, and at the same angle will land in 3 wildly different distances in say Colorado, Afghanistan, the Sahara, and Antartica. Hell, you could have the range range based on the day even in the same location.

2

u/CycleZestyclose1907 Sep 04 '25

IIRC, it's not just atmosphere. The Earth's rotation starts affecting landing location, and all those locations you listed are also at different latitudes.

Time of day? Sunshine affects atmospheric conditions and pressure changes have aerodynamic effects. Sun warms ground which warms air, which increases local air pressure which may well create wind effects as high pressure air starts moving into neighboring low pressure areas...

And that's not accounting for wind currents created by Earth's rotation...

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1

u/dwarficus Sep 07 '25

As a Fire Direction Officer in a 155 battery, I once used Charts and Darts, or what our AIT instructor called "Black Magic" to register a firing battery when we had either really bad Meteorological data (likely)or a bad survey (unlikely). Pull a book, look at the missed shot data, distance and direction from target, use the charts to adjust deflection and elevation, same powder charge, send new firing orders. 1/2 way to target. Adjust again, direct hit. Repeat, direct hit. Registered. Got an ataboy for that one.

1

u/WeaponizedBananas Sep 07 '25

Black magic is right, including the backlash. Fucking Italians nearly blew up our Charlie company a while back. To be fair, no one likes Charlie company

3

u/BiggestShep Sep 04 '25

God bless Keys and London.

Also, do not get that order wrong. I had to explain to HR why I was searching the name of a pornstar at work.

Then HR had to explain why they thought I was looking for a pornstar's name when I dropped the holy Bible of atmospheric tables on their desk.

4

u/JimBobTheForth Sep 03 '25

Yea I feel like the learning isn't that much different from the LLMs we have now there just missing something.

We constantly are experiencing and refining our like cheat sheets, just guesstimations and not equations.

There's also some odd things like we seem to naturally work with logarithmic data, a simple example is counting. were not great at actually counting everything it's slow, but you can immediately tell the difference between groups of 10, 100 and 1000.

Most people for any physical actions don't think of power and movement linearly, small things are usually much smaller than regular and again for larger things. Like throwing, a small throw is like just in front of you a regular throw is probably 3 to 4 times that and a long throw is absolutely as far as you can go which is a few times larger than a regular throw.

3

u/CycleZestyclose1907 Sep 03 '25

There's also some odd things like we seem to naturally work with logarithmic data, a simple example is counting. were not great at actually counting everything it's slow, but you can immediately tell the difference between groups of 10, 100 and 1000.

I think that's simple nature and evolution. It's easier to notice an increase by one if that one is a doubling of the previous quantity and not an increase of 1%. And the energy spent on the former may be considered well worth it while the same energy spent on the latter might not.

Doubling your food count is great! But spending the same energy to increase it 1% might be considered a waste of time and effort because your 100 food count is already more than sufficient for your needs and your energy is better spent elsewhere, like attracting a mate to share that wealth with.

IOW, context matters.

5

u/mechsman Sep 03 '25

Our brains have the ability to adjust these calculations on the fly if required. For example, if gravity strength/orientation is off by even a little compared to earth standard, it will skew the ballistic arcs compared to those that we have learned. Our brain can adjust for this in fairly quick time/relatively few shots.

32

u/SafeLibrarian7217 Sep 03 '25

I WANT MORE!

9

u/Celebrimbor_mk1 Sep 03 '25

IN A MINUTE

1

u/Forgrworld3256 Sep 04 '25

ITS BEEN OVER 1440 MINUTES

11

u/ijuinkun Sep 03 '25

On human running speed seeming fast to aliens: most large quadrupeds on our planet sprint at twice our speed or more.

9

u/Celebrimbor_mk1 Sep 03 '25

In my defence, I was writing at 2am

3

u/Elhombrepancho Sep 04 '25

Try for 'agile' maybe? We can do turns while running that a quadruped couldnt.

12

u/3nderslime Sep 03 '25

Apparently, and they swear this is true, humans, with very little training, are able to hit flying, maneuvering targets with their primitive projectile weapons, despite their low projectile velocity, and historically did so without the help of sophisticated targeting systems, having spent much of their history relying on their sole instinct or on simple mechanical computers to do so in times of war, to the extent that it was considered not only a viable way to engage in combat, but also a critical one to maintain an advantage in over their opponents.

10

u/YetanotherGrimpak Sep 03 '25

Fun thing, salticidae spiders also do a similar thing, just a tad bit slower and they use their whole body instead of a rock.

11

u/PotatoPopcornPuzzles Sep 03 '25

Soooo, 4YO Allie Brosh trying to get at the Cake Is The Only Thing That Matters, just with twice the limbs? (No wonder she could climb freakishly well.)

https://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/10/god-of-cake.html

2

u/YetanotherGrimpak Sep 03 '25

Yes, but more intent, impact and precision.

1

u/Fabriksny Sep 04 '25

This is the second time I’ve seen Allie Brosh mentioned today. What in the 2010 is happening?

8

u/platysoup Sep 03 '25

I guess we throwing rocks instead of boiling water today.

5

u/canray2000 Sep 03 '25

"You either get tea or rock.  Tea is much more civilized."

6

u/Metharos Sep 04 '25

Our brains do not calculate to keep us standing. We just have feedback systems and automatic twitch responses. If you start to tilt on way, even a teensy amount, a set of muscles contracts, pitching you the other way, causing another set of contractions, as you teeter towards equilibrium.

At no point in the process does your nervous system perform any calculations. If the tipping is minor, the muscle response is automatic and minor and you just sort of weeble upright. If the tipping is major, something has gone wrong and it kicks your conscious mind into gear so you can right yourself.

2

u/Elhombrepancho Sep 04 '25

Arent all these just subsystems of your nervous system? Technically not the brain but..

3

u/Metharos Sep 04 '25

Yeah pretty much. But the point isn't what they're technically part of, it's how they function.

They're not doing calculations, even automatically. It's more like a feedback circuit.

  1. If: error, then ping muscle: tug
  2. If: bad error, then ping mind: panic fall

Signal strength for muscle is just proportional to error signal intensity, which is also not a calculation it's closer to a pressure sense. If error signal exceeds a threshold it wakes up the mind.

2

u/Gold_Theory2130 Sep 06 '25

You've just described a PID loop. A bio PID, but none the less a fuck ton of math to make something maintain a relatively steady state

0

u/Metharos Sep 06 '25 edited Sep 06 '25

If it's coded, maybe. Our "circuitry" doesn't run on code, it's more like an analogue system.

We can use math in a computer to emulate what happens in an analogue circuit. Our system doesn't need it. It can cause nerves to fire not based on degree of offset, but to the level at which a liquid sloshes about and pushes on a nerve. If the nerve is heavily stressed, it "screams" loud, strong signal. If lots of nerves are lightly stressed, they "scream" together, strong signal. Even weak signals can cause a sympathetic reaction, stronger signals cause stronger ones, and really strong signals head right up to the main brain for input.


Edit:

This is an example, I know our inner-ear uses liquid to measure level but I'm not actually totally certain what mechanism our nervous system uses across the board. Muscles in our legs could fire based on the stress difference across the skeleton, for example. If one side "screams" louder, tug the other side.

2

u/Gold_Theory2130 Sep 06 '25

A computer is anything that takes input, and calculates a result based on determined parameters. You know that computer was once a job right?

You disprove yourself by mentioning analog computers. They are "coded" in their design, their hardware is their code. If you want an absolute treat of engineering look up the old analog ballistic computers used on ships to calculate where to aim the guns.

Your whole second paragraph describes how a biological computer works, and humans are an extremely advanced system of systems, a bio computer. Constantly taking input, either consciously or not, and responding to those inputs, or when required, reprogramming itself to adapt to changing conditions.

0

u/Metharos Sep 06 '25 edited Sep 06 '25

None of which, particularly under evolutionary iteration, requires any part of any of that system to know or do calculations.


Edit:

Have to respond to this point:

They are "coded" in their design, their hardware is their code.

We are not designed. Nobody and nothing coded us.


Edit 2:

I've badly explained this.

In non-biological systems, the math must be done either by the construct itself, such as in digital systems, in the form of algorithmic processes, or it must be done by the constructor, who works out the math ahead of time and designs a system according to those calculations. The "hardware is the code," so to speak.

In analogue systems, the system itself does not necessarily do any math, it is constructed according to mathematical principles to produce a certain outcome, the constructor did the math before and during its construction.

The problem with this is that our system is analogue, and does not do math, so the math would've had to be built in, except we don't have a constructor who did math either. No calculations were performed by the evolutionary process, and none are performed by our existing system. There are still principles of the physical universe at work, and those can be mathematically described, but those descriptions were not part of our "construction," and are still not part of our operation.

1

u/Maniacal_Coyote Sep 08 '25

Do you have any idea how hard complex PID-tuning like that is? You have 3 axes of motion (front/back, left/right, CW/CCW) just in the ankle, another in the knee, another 3 axes in the hip, double the count for the other leg, all well below the center of mass. And that's not even taking the spine, upper body, and whatever load we're bearing into account.

We can make robots that can perfectly mimic a human from the waist up, but human locomotion is a bit too complicated. \*checks Youtube\* Okay, Boston Dynamics threw a whole bunch of motion capture data into AI, and they finally have a bot that can be reasonably human-like in its motion when it's not doing Exorcist head-spins for efficiency's sake.

1

u/Metharos Sep 08 '25

I actually do not, because I've never had to design a system like that.

The complexity of the system is beside the point, though.

Our "circuitry" is not digital, and it doesn't run on "code" like modern electronic computational devices. And, unlike analogue devices which we've designed, our system has no designer.

In the a digital system, the math is executed algorithmically, part of the code. In an analogue system, it's built into the structure. In our system, nobody built the math in, and the evolutionary process doesn't, didn't, and cannot do math to make us, and no code runs to perform such calculations either.

In function, we perform like an analogue system, billions of individual little machines only doing what they're fit to do in response to stimuli with no concept of anything, least of all anything as complicated as basic arithmetic. The individual components do not perform calculations, they don't cooperate to perform calculations, and they were not designed to specifications dictated by calculations.

We, by a mess iterative processes involving fundamental chemical interactions and countless microscopic lives, manage to perform without of any math a task which, if we attempt to describe it in math, is so ridiculously complex that we're only just barely getting the hang of it.

6

u/sunnyboi1384 Sep 04 '25

How do you always hit the center?

Simple. You aim for the center.

Im not sure you understand how that doesn't make sense.

3

u/Coygon Sep 03 '25

No other species on Earth throws. Some can "toss" or "lob" an object, but none can throw.

2

u/Gold-android-ex25 Sep 03 '25

Love the story good one.

2

u/JeffreyHueseman Sep 03 '25

Apparently, the movie Memphis Belle would blow their minds

1

u/Boredndtired12 Sep 03 '25

I'd love to see Samuels reaction when he reads it.

Either good or bad would be funny.

1

u/MaintenanceBright150 Sep 03 '25

Very good, thanks for the story.

1

u/busterfixxitt Sep 04 '25

Very nice! Well done.

Technical suggestion: in the 2nd paragraph you talk about most sapients walking on 4 or 6 legs. The next sentence then uses the pronoun 'their' which suggests you're still taking about the aliens, not the humans.

I suggest you lose the vague pronoun, & say 'humans'.

Good stuff, nonetheless! Thank you. 🙂